Saturday, January 14, 2006

I woke up this morning incredibly depressed. More so than I have felt in a really long time. Probably a year or more maybe. Sometimes I wonder at the source of my depression, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this time it's absolutely spiritual warfare.
Last night we had the most amazing key leadership meeting for adopt-a-block, and I'm getting ready to go to our key leadership "retreat" for WACA this afternoon. And the enemy hates this. He hates all the dreaming, the vision, the faith, the expectation, the hope.
I hate feeling like this. Actually it has started to lift a bit. But I hate that it seems to be beyond my control. But I do love the hope that I have that extends beyond feelings and mindsets. I love that God carries me through, and allows me to function and go on in spite of what I feel like doing. I've realized this morning that beyond how I natually love serving in ministry and the local church that it's really good for me because ministry happens whether you feel like it or not. I have to be somewhere today. I don't have the option of staying in bed and feeling crap about myself. There is purpose, there is life, there is somewhere where I am needed. All of that helps.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

I have been a crazy mad songwriter today. I love days like today. All this creativity, and all these ideas have been pent up inside me, building up for weeks now because I just haven't had time to sit down and work them out. I've been waiting for today for a long time. Except for a somewhat lengthy intermission to watch The Notebook (it inspires me ok. I could seriously watch that movie a million times and still love it.) It's such an awesome feeling though when stuff just pours out of you and you can see songs come together. I spent most of my time finishing up fragments of songs that have been running around in my head for a while now. I actually ended up using bits from two different songs that just weren't working, to create one song that is just fantastic. At least in my humble opinion. I really wanted to solidify some things because this Friday Marianne, Kari and I think a couple other people and myself are getting together to workshop some of our new songs. I'm SO excited. This is my dream. I'm also a tad nervous because I think I could count on one hand the number of people that have ever heard something I've written. Well maybe two hands now that I think about it.

I think I accidently wrote a sappy, country love song after watching The Notebook. So maybe it doesn't inspire me for the better, but it inspires nonetheless. It was cathartic. I'm not sure why. I don't really do sappy, and I definitely don't do country, but it felt really good.

So tomorrow is 2006. Today...well really the 2 year anniversary of the "Splash Heard Round the World". In English, it's the 2 year anniversary of my mobile commiting suicide by jumping into the Sydney Habour, which oddly enough, was the final confirmation that I was to leave my beloved adopted home land. Normally, I would celebrate this anniversary by drowing my sorrows with alchohol, but I'm actually going to a "dry" party tonight. Should be fun.

Happy New Year everyonee.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I'm learning a lot about myself these days.
I'm learning that I'm still a lot more closed off than I thought. Though I have definitely made great strides in this area in the past 4 years or so. It's been coming at me from all directions. In relationships, through the amazing book "Captivating", through Sara Groves, and today through my voice teacher who told me I was closed off and needed to become more vulnerable.
I've taken the principle of guarding your heart to an extreme that I don't think was ever intended. Because there is guarding your heart and then there is covering it in concrete, wrapping chains around it, and padlocking it shut.
It's an ongoing process though. Unwrapping the chains and chipping away at the concrete. I guess I just didn't realize that and assumed it had all been taken care of. There's also the parallel process of continuing to realize your identity in Christ. I say it's parallel because we close our selves off because vulnerability leaves us open to being hurt by people. But when we are gaining our worth and value and purpose from God then the thoughts and opinions of people around us hold less importance in telling us who we are. I don't know if we can ever be completely free from "fearing man". But I know the more I know God, the more I know who I am, and the less I care about what people say about me.
I'm interested to see where all this is going. What it's leading to. What the next level of openess feels like and looks like.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Some of you may have heard that last Sunday my car got broken into at church and my cd player got ripped out. Well this week I have really out done myself.

I decided I would park in the front lot this week just for safety's sake. However I never park in the front lot and am not familiar with it...that combined with the blinding morning sun provided a lot of entertainment for people coming to church. I somehow managed to drive my car over not one, but two concrete parking barriers and a pole with a handicapped parking sign on it. I just plowed the sucker over. And I honestly was completely blinded to the whole thing. I didn't even know what had actually happened until I got out of my car and saw that my two front wheels were completely off the ground. I called a tow truck to come lift it off as to prevent any more damage from happening, and miraculously enough my car is running and driving fine. I love how Jesus protects me and has favor on me even in the midst of my own mistakes.

My only regret is that I didn't have a camera with me to take a picture of the whole scene. It was honestly hilarious.

Next Sunday I will be driving to church in faith that nothing will happen to me or my car.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

It was time for a change. Since my personal template designer is in the midst of a storm, I went with a ready made. It seems more appropriate for my mood these days. Summer is gone (though you'd never know, it's still 90 degrees here. Not even joking.). The days are shorter. I get more melancholic during fall and winter. If I struggle with depression it's usually during this half of the year.

Speaking of depression I realized that it's two years ago this month that my restraunt in Sydney closed. The event that triggered a series of downward spiraling events that eventually lead to my return to the States. And two years later I'm still dealing with this in some capacity.

All this to say, change is upon us.