Sunday, December 22, 2002

I would like to preface this with saying that I"m pmsing right now, so everything that is emotional is even more rediculously so.
With 24 days left until my departure, I'm defintely getting cold feet. I feel completely 50% torn about going, and I've never before really feared leaving. Not that I'm afraid...I just don't want to. I'm very comfortable here. I'm comfortable with what I'm doing, and have been doing. I'm comfortable with my friends, my church, my routine of life. I quite like living here right now. I'm afraid for my family. Not that I hold them together, hardly, I'm just afraid that they are currently and in the future, facing some rough times and it doesn't seem fair that I get to just kind of miss out on those for paradise. And I'll try my best to carry the burden in prayer and stuff while I'm away, but it won't be the same. And it still doesn't seem fair. If anyone out there has some wisdom on growing up and that whole process of separating your self from your parents and becomming your own person, I could really use some.
On the other hand I'm completely excited to go. When I think about what God has done to get me to this point, I KNOW he must have big things waiting for me. And I can't wait to get started on that journey with him. I can't wait to be on my own and with God again. Imagine not feeling guilty for having an hour long quiet time while your mom is cleaning the house like a mad woman, and when you finally emerge she's got a list of things for you to do and an additude that makes it hard to retain the peace and calm you were just in. I can't wait to live openly again, with out the fear of critizism for not living up to someone's standards.That will be nice. Being in sydney will be amazing. I'll admit the longevity of it all is a bit scarey, but again look what God has done to get me to this point. And I know He's going to continue carrying me, and providing. Providing physically, and emotionally, and spiritually.
A big part of the Sacred Romance that really stuck out to me this time through was the importance of Rememberance on our journey with God. We SOOOOO often forget what He has done, not only in our lives, but through out HISTORY. (I know I can barely remember what i did yesterday don't even ask me about last year). But we have to remember, to remember. It is a foundation for our hope and future. If we don't take time to look back then we have no basis for God's character, we wouldn't know who He is or how He acts, we wouldn't know what He's brought us out of, and if we don't remember those before us we wouldn't have a hope in something good waiting for us. I have to remember what He's done, and I can't lose hope for the plans He has and I can never lose sight of heaven, because if I do I'll never be able to trust His plans and follow Him.