Monday, April 07, 2003

Ok this is going to be a bit of a rant. I’ve really been arguing with God about this cause for some reason I really don’t want to say this cause it’s hard and I might offend some people, or a lot of people. And I hate that. But I just can’t not say it. It’s like Jeremiah when he says the word of God is burning like fire in his bones and he just can’t contain it. Ok maybe not quite like that , but yeah I just feel this compulsion. And I really don’t want to rant cause when I get going I get all worked up and I can’t stop and I’m in a really good mood right now and I have a feeling that this might change that. I dunno. Ok and one more preface to this…by no means do I mean any offence towards Leaving Egypt, or their songwriters, cause yeah I love them.

Last night I tried to go to bed early. Really insanely early (9:30) cause I had to get up insanely early this morning, but you know how you can’t fall asleep before a certain time. Yeah, so I was lying in bed and I was like I should put on some music…what is music that I can always fall asleep to…Leaving Egypt! And seriously that in itself is a massive compliment. Like the only 2 cd’s that can help me sleep are that one and the Caedmon’s Call worship cd. And yeah eventually it did make me sleep…I don’t remember past song 4, but when the first song started playing I was awake and listening to it and I got really really annoyed and then I was thinking about it in the shower today and I got annoyed again. Ok so the chorus goes “ I will do anything for you my Lord something something something…cause I’ll do anything” ( I don’t know why I just forgot the other words but that’s the main bit that got me started) I’m lying there thinking..that is a bunch of crap. Ha. I started thinking about all the songs that say “I’ll do anything, I’ll go anywhere, to the end of the earth, I’ll follow you Jesus, I only want to be with you” blah blah blah. And they are always nice pretty upbeat songs..a la Audio Adrenaline “I wanna be your hands, be your feet, go where you send me….” I’m lying there thinking, if the people that sing these songs (not like the people that write them, but the little jr. high Christian concert girls) actually know how freaking HARD it is to follow God, they might not be singing that song. Like man, I don’t think I have even touched the tip of the ice berg speaking of like trials and struggles and stuff, but the past 2 months have been the HARDEST 2 months of my life. Pretty much ever! I have loved every single minute of them, but it’s so hard! I don’t know how else to say it. It’s not a feeling you get at a show or during really “anointed” worship, or at some amazing conference, following God is such a commitment, a completely conscious descsion of your mind, will, emotions, soul, spirit to pursue God and to never ever quit until the day He takes you home. It’s not some lofty ministry position. It’s hard. But I can tell you in my little experience that it’s completely worth it. Oh my gosh! It’s so worth it. The past 2 months I have seen more provision, more blessing, I have been filled with more gifts, more faith, I have worshipped God harder than ever, I have been in His presence more, I have seen more radical change in people’s lives around me… the list goes on! But can I just say one more time, it’s been so HARD!
The thing about following God, about committing your life to serving him, is that you can’t quit, you can’t give up when you’re tired, there is NO retirement, it doesn’t stop…because there are BILLIONS of people that are going to hell. As if we could give up on our job!
I don’t know why I’m saying this and I feel like I’ve completely lost my train of thought and I have to go to a Finale seminar in like…NOW…but I guess I don’t know maybe if there is anyone that is reading this that has said or thought “yeah I want to go in ministry” or even just thinking they want to serve God, or have even recently become a Christian (because when we are in Christ, we are all ministers, all missionaries, all priests) I’m just encouraging you count the cost before you jump in head first. I’m not saying not do it. Because seriously I can’t think of any better life. I mean even if you are in business, or career, or a profession, whatever like we are still meant to be salt and light you know..but again, just count the cost! What are you willing to give. What are you willing to sacrifice. I miss my family like hell and I have no idea when I’m going to see them again. What are YOU going to sacrifice. It’s worth it, I promise you. As if my promise means anything. JESUS promises you.

I gotta run. Love you all, and those of you that I know I miss you too!