Tuesday, May 20, 2003

I'm not angry. I'm just frustrated. I crave intellectual understanding regarding my circumstances and I have none. I mean I guess I do understand some stuff. I know I count my life as loss for following Christ and I mean it doesn't bother me that I can indulge on...anything basically...ok so something I really wish I could go buy the new relient k cd that is downstairs in the bookstore taunting me, but then when I come to my senses I realize in the light of eternity, what does it really matter. really. So when it comes to things that effect me personally I'm fine. I can live without stuff. And actually it's very good to live without stuff...although hard when everyone around you is basically able to go get starbucks whenever they bloody well feel like it, but again what is really good coffee in the light of eternity. But what I hate is when I can't fullfill the responsibilities I've committed to. Like rent. Cause not only is it putting my residence in jeopardy but it's probably effecting other people in other places down the line. And I really really hate that. I'm not worried about being kicked out, cause I know God is my provider, and I also know he's the God of the 11th Hour (thank you JOC) and thankfully the people I pay rent to are gracious christians...BUT I still hate being in this place. Not geographically, but I hate this valley, I know it's neccessary, I know that I have to go through trials, and I guess if this is the worst it gets than I have still gotten off pretty easy. (Lord, let me learn the lessons fast) But I'm so ready for it to be over. I'm so ready to give up, to go back to my security. But at the same time I wouldn't give this up for anything. I'm full of contradictions I know, but that's totally how my spirit feels right now. So wanting everything that God has for me and willing to go through these fires, but so waiting to be on the other side of them.
So, in conclusion, what do I do? Do I sit around being really frustrated crying my eyes out screaming, "How long??" or do I get up, know I have the victory, know that I am like loved beyond belief, that I am a prized daughter of the King, that he freaking died for me so why wouldn't He give me every other good gift. I know my God is good, and I praise Him...I CHOOSE to praise when my feelings and emotions tell me otherwise. When the enemy tries to tell me other wise, I rest in the Truth of God's word.

You are my light and salvation
In whom shall I fear
You are the strength of all my days
In whom shall I be afraid

Though war may rise against me
Of this will I be sure

That I will bless the Lord forevah
I'll bless Your Holy name
I will bless the Lord forevah
I'll bless Your Holy name

Lord it is You I desire
Its You that I need
To live with You in your house forevah
Beholding Your beauty

And in the time of trouble
Of this will I be sure

That I will bless the Lord forevah
I'll bless Your Holy name
Yes I will bless the Lord forevah
I'll bless Your Holy name

Some unamed song on the new live cd. copyright Darlene.