Monday, September 29, 2003

I just walked in the door from college and all of a sudden had this really powerful thought that broken people are attracted to my life. And, as you do, went straight to the computer to process it.
I just got a lift home with this girl from college who I kinda know but haven't every really hung out with her much and like we were just chatting and stuff and seriously like out of no where she just starts telling me all this stuff she's going through and how hard things have been recently. And I"m just sitting there like, why is it that 1) People with really hard stuff are always comming across my path and 2) Why is it that within 10 minutes of talking to me they just pour their hearts out. Like I know how to help people! I want to! My gosh like the deepest desire of my heart is to see the mass ammounts of brokeness in this city healed, but i so don't know how to do that. Maybe that's why they do open up cause there is some sense that I will just listen to them without trying to fix them. But seriously that is like how kate and I started bonding, we went for a drive one day and "blah" out of no where came her life story and I'm just like why can't I ever be the person with problems. I do have them ya know. I guess this has been something I've kinda been craving all year. I have no sense of being mentored or lead in any relational kind of way by a woman more mature inthe faith than I. I mean I think it's a huge responsibility and a huge privelege to be a part of seeing friends and peers and stuff mature and healed and see chains and bondages broken off their lives and I love that God has allowed me to be a part of that in multiple relationships but yeah I really wish I had someone I could kinda look up to. Someone who would ask me how I'm going and just be able to listen to my rantings. I guess I do have one, or two, or maybe two and a half if I think about it, but I definitely see them far to little and one I haven't seen since I left AZ so there ya go.
Speaking of two and a half, I found out that next monday is a public holiday here and I'm working my normal monday night shift but because it's a holiday I get paid not double time but 2.5 time...or whateve ryou would call that! So hello I'm gonna make like $150 in a 5 hour shift. How good is that!
Aight I'm done.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

warning: this might be long, depressing, random, abstract, or any number of other things. read with caution.

I've been wanting to put this up for ages, but lent the cd to a friend and didn't want to confuse words like "pain" and "brain"

This Journey is my Own
By: Sara Groves (I so wish I could claim this song)

When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man's advice and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man
And pay the highest price?
What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?

So much of what I do is to make a good impression
This journey is my own
So much of what I say is to make myself look better
This journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man
And pay the highest price?
What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?

I have never felt relief like i feel it right now
This journey is my own
Cause trying to please the world it was breaking me down, it was breaking me down

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, now I live and I breathe for an audience of one. Now I live and I breath for an audience of one, cause I know this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man
And pay the highest price
What would it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose my life?

You can live for someone else, and it will only brin you pain
I can't even judge myself
Only the Lord can say, "Well done."



I would like to put that single song on a cd, and send it to my parents...maybe just my dad. I don't know. I'm so tired of them trying to make me live their journey. It's my own damn journey! yeah I want their advice, and I wish I had their approval but I'm tired of trying to get it.

It feels like every extreme emotion is inside me right now; bouncing around between my head, my heart, and my spirit like the little animated videos of molecules they showed us in chemistry in tenth grade. Anger and joy, frustration and peace, uncertainty and confidence. Tonight I've laughed till I thought I'd pee my pants, I've cried...more of that is definitely coming...you know what I think it is...it's the conflict between the spirit and the flesh. The last few weeks I've really realized that God has placed a pretty strong prophetic gifting in me and I've really been wrestling with that...not in a bad way..but like why? why me? why a conservative baptist girl (as if I actually classify myself like that). But right now it's like I can physically feel the battle going on, and it makes me want to just go to sleep when I probably should go upstairs and start praying. I just spent an hour or so (defintely not enough time) talk with (mostly listening to) Kate and man the enemy is so trying to pull her down...woah hang on...just had to message her. And it's so weird cause some parts of her, like the stuff we were talking about tonight was like me a few years ago and so I'm frustrated cause I so want to see her freed from it, but I can also see that she's TOTALLY on that journey. And I'm just really pissed off at Satan cause I mean this girl is such a world changer and he knows it and he's trying to stop it and he's not going to, if anything he's just helping her cause she's gonna persevere through these tests and and come out so much closer to God on the other side. And like my head totally wants to just say everything and tell her how she needs to get "fixed" but then my spirit (the Holy Spirit? the One that's in me...whatever you like) totally stops me, which is good, cause I know that 1) Whatever is was that God took me through to free me won't work for her and 2) That's just a really selfish thing to say. Part of me also really wants to light a fire underneath the rich, "daddy's girl" part of her that really is hardly there but the bit that is is doing a sufficient job of holding her back from some stuff. I don't know why I feel so responsible for a person I've really only gotten to know well for like the past month or so. It's like in my spirit I almost feel like a mother or a mentor or something towards her. Which is weird, cause yeah she's like 2 years younger or something, but that's really not heaps and she's really mature so I really don't think of her as younger at all, but then when it comes to God stuff I definitely see the gap and then I become really determined to like keep getting to know her, and do life with her, and spur her on into everything God's got. I dunno it's really weird. Actually leah was a bit of that to me last night, thanks for that mate I definitely thank God for you. Anyway...she (kate) is leading on a camp this week with her church up in queensland so i won't talk to her till like next monday which will be weird but good. I really think God's gonna do stuff, I mean even though she's "leading" God's gonna start breaking stuff off of her.

Man, my spirit is still really stirred up I think I"m gonna go do what I said I should've done a while ago and go do some praying. What a random night, seriously. I love my life. I love God more than life.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

yep well it was a fantastic week. I got lots of work done but I'm ready to get out of here praise God we have another week break in three weeks time. I remember giving ali crap about all the breaks she had at uni...now I LOVE it. But yeah during that break in october Kate and I are going up to Port Macquarie to serve at the AOG national (or is it state?) conference. I know you're thinking "Wow mel, you're super spiritual to give up a week of to go and serve" (I know that's what you're thinking so don't lie to yourself) but I mean yeah ok it'll be cool to serve, sounds pretty laid back, but it's an all expenses paid trip to Port, which is beautiful and some place other than Sydney...not that I am sick of sydney by any means, but I just love traveling, and um yeah apparently we have quite a bit of time off to head to the beach as well so ya know it'll be great. Plus maybe kate will let me drive her cool car. Speaking of kate we hung out a bit this week, and once again I am reminded that I am abundantly blessed with what has to be the best relationships in the world. Honestly I don't know why or how God keeps putting amazing people across my path in life, but I'm just blown away. The girl brough be a bag of ground starbucks coffee for my newly acquired coffee pot yesterday! I mean hello! Instant best friend right there. If the relationships I have now are any indication of what my marriage will be like...wow...bring it on baby. Yeah I've recently moved back into the "I'm SO ready to be married phase". But then I almost had a panic attack at church last night when Donna said something about imaging the stage in life when you have a baby on your hip. I almost stopped breathing, and since kids are generally a result of marriage, maybe I can wait. But I mean by time you get the whole relationship going, and established, and then engagement, a couple years married...by then I'll be ready. So anytime now God. =) I like how he doesn't get tired of hearing that.
God's really been testing me on generosity recently. sigh, man I didn't realize how attached I am to "things". Like I really do have a naturally generous spirit I think, and I mean I guess I do let go of things fairly easily once I get over the initial, "You want me to what..." Cause see I've been telling God that I need more money cause I really want to be able to give more money, and there's so many people here that I want to bless and there's just so much need and I so wish I could do more to fill it...so then God goes and says "well start with what you have". So this weekend was a good friends birthday here and like she has done SO much for me, and the rest of the TAFE girls this year so I was like I can't NOT get her something but I really didn't have money to spend blah, started going off to God about how I need more and he was like "Well that Switchfoot cd sitting on your bed stand there is brand new and she doesn't have it". ouch. And I had just been talking to her like a day or two before about that cd and she said she wanted it so much. gave her the cd, she was so pumped. I was blessed to see her that blessed. Definitely no regrets. Then last night after church kate and I went to Gloria's and I realized I was on my free drink on my punch card then the Holy Spirit whispers (give it to her). but, but I've worked so hard and paid so much for this free coffee! So with just about only a 20 second hesitation this time I say, hey I have my free coffee on my punch card, you want it! ouch. So we go to Gloria's I order our coffee's and my friend Kyle is working and I give him the card and everything and go to get out my money for mine, and he's like aw don't worry it's on me tonight. You can't out give God. So now I'm just waiting for an opportunity to give away a guitar and expect I dunno maybe a Taylor or Maton in return? (Ok I so take that back God!) But seriously when you start to ask for opportunities the windows of heaven open, and I'm so blessed and so pumped cause I really want to get even more of a generous spirit and I want to hold these crap possessions even more loosely and just really be able to see other people flourish. yeah I dunno. Moral of the story...be careful of what you ask for. You'll most likely get it.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Um I'd just like to say that it's really annoying when you have a week off and you technically can sleep in but your body (or God) won't let you. Mind you I have been wakeing up and lying in bed and praying for a while, which is good, but I"m just like this is rediculous! I want to sleep. And I could take a nap, but I mean once the day is started I really do have quite a lot to do. Today and tomorrow are like my blitzing assignment days cause I have no work. So today I outlined one essay and spent the rest of the day writing a song out in manuscript...and I'm not quite done, nearly done, just have to finish up a guitar part. Can I just say that 1.) I hate having to work at things. Like I used to think I was naturally gifted when it came to music and in some (very basic) respects I am, but I really have to work my butt off to make this work and to get it on paper properly and I hate that. I really wish I was mozart and could just whip out what was in my head. and 2.) I miss my dad's Finale program. That thing made writing music child's play. But I will say that the more I write this stuff out by hand, the more easy it becomes. I know you may be thinking, "Easy, it took you a whole day and you're still not done" But compare that to like a week of frustrating work and lots of messy erasures and I have come a long way. Which is good. I'm also frustrated that lately I have been writing songs that I'm not capable of playing. And see I don't even know how that happens? How is it possible to write something you can't play. I mean fair enough if it was a symphony, but I'm talking like voice and guitar here. I'm not coordinated enough to play some of these rythms and sing different ones at the same time...and I came up with a wicked guitar interlude that I've been practicing all day and I think am just starting to get kinda smoothly. It sucks. I want krystle's hands. But at the same time it is cool that I have moved a bit (only a bit mind you) past E A B C#m E.

I got a new phone yesterday. It's so cute! I seriously love it. And get this I am saving money by getting a cute new phone. There's this kinda newish phone company here called Orange (which i have a sneaking suspision that it's owned by Cricket in the states) anyway they have cheap as service and rates and stuff and I'm like finally a cell phone plan in australia that makes sense. Anyway it's a 24 month contract (although I can cancel at any time, I'd just have to pay the balance on the handset) and I just pay $18/month and I got the phone for free! My cute little brand new phone. It's less money than I was spending/ month with my pre-pay but I also get hecka better rates so I think it will work itself out.
In other exciting news I made the bloody best enchilada's tonight. Not even good for Aussie enchilada's just plain ol' GOOD enchiladas. But I am now offcially out of all my "real" mexican food brought to me from America. Man I'm gonna be eatting off those things all week. Ok you want the recipe cause they were seriously SOOOO good. And they are really easy and great for college students cause man talk about left overs. mmmmmm.
So you mix a can of refried beans with about maybe i dunno 1/4 cup green enchilada sauce not too much so that it's really runny but enough so that it's a nice smooth texture and in about I dunno 2 tsp. of oregano (i never measure things I just start dumping) and about 1 clove of garlic chopped up, and like about a hand full of cheese put it all into a pan and mix it up and let it kinda simmer on low and get warm. Get 10 corn tortillas and one at a time heat them in a frying pan with a tiny bit of oil for like 5 seconds on each side then soak them on both sides in enchilada sauce. Put about 2 spoon fulls of the warm bean mixture into the tortilla and wrap it up and put it in a baking pan thing. the tortilla should stick together because of the sauce. So do that for all the tortillas pack em all together in the pan dump the rest of the enchilada sauce all over them and cover them with cheese. Now see, you have to bake them in the oven and since our oven only works on broil I don't really know how to tell you a better way to bake them but I just put them in the cold oven and put it on broil and then left them in there for probably 10-15 minutes until the cheese was brown on top. I'm telling you this is an award winning recipe. mmmm I want some more.
Anyway I think that's it for now. Gotta finish the song before the Amazing Race comes on!

Sunday, September 14, 2003

ahhhhhhh study break. And I do actually plan to use it for studying since I'm here in sydney and not other various places around the earth. Some studying at least...definitely not today though. Today I'm just soaking up the laziness of not having to do anything. That doesn't really make sense but I'm sure you all know what I mean. Last night I stayed out late and partied with kate and some old ywam friends...it really is quite a small world once you get out there and check it out. I thought I'd enjoy a nice sleep in this morning but for some reason I was awake and praying at 8:00am. It's weird the things God puts on your heart to pray for that early. And it's frustrating when you really want to sleep but you can't so then you think "well I'm awake I might as well pray". Might as well pray. Something about that line isn't right. But that's the way I think at 8am. Some one asked me a very deep question the other day. What does AM and PM stand for anyway? I used to know, but I guess it's not something I think of often.
So i saw Switchfoot on saturday night. It was pretty cool. Australians definitely don't know how to enjoy a concert, but I was loving it. I guess it would help if you knew the songs...Australians definitely need the revelation that there is good christian music out there besides hillsong. So we saw Switchfoot up in Newy which was cool cause I haven't been up there in ages and I went with ali and some of her friends which is always (usually) fun. But I will admit that at times I feel like the "weird" christian cause ya know I'm out at hillsong and it's actually really funny feeling like the pentecostal one in a group. Definitely not used to that, but it's fun, but it's also frustrating cause you remember how you used to be and how you just didn't "get it" and you want other people to get it too. Something that really annoyed me was a conversation I kinda over heard between a couple guys (sorry ali if you're hearing this for the first time here. I'll talk to you about it but I just needed time to process it before I just opened my mouth and started talking). Like they were fully cutting down some other christians because of a certain method they used for altar calls. (I mean really how rediculous does that conversation sound!) But yeah I guess I can't make a full judgement cause I didn't hear all of it and I wasn't actually IN the conversation but I know I heard somethings that were just really mean. And man it just really pisses me off when Christians bag eachother out. I reckon it pisses Jesus off too, because it's like his bride, and his church which he came to build turning against eachother. Honestly I wanted to say to this guy...so when was the last time you lead over 200 youth to make a decision to pursue a relationship with Christ? Like the whole story with Billy Graham or some famous evangelist that got critised for his method and he told the guy "Well I like the way I do it better than the way you don't" I dunno. I guess it's cause I've been there. I've been the one that's critical and I understand why they think the way they do and why they say the things they say, but I also know the root of bitterness that it comes from and how absolutely unproductive it is and how it just breaks God's heart.
Anyway I think I'm going to get off my soap box for now, but I dunno maybe someone needed to hear that or think a bit about that today. Like I know it's confusing sometimes why there are so many extremes with in christianity, I mean far out I was at a church last night where people were being slane in the spirit, rolling on the floor laughing, and convulsing because they were having a demonic spirit cast out of them (not Hillsong btw) and I mean yeah it still takes me a while to get used to that stuff and it's definitely not the type of church environment I was raised in, but who's to say they're wrong and my conservative up bringing was right. Cause I definitely don't think it was. It was awesome, but definitely lacking. I guess Rodney King still said it the best when he said, "Can't we all just get along". Actually I think Jesus said that too, "Love your neighbor as yourself".

Friday, September 12, 2003

Another fire sky has arrived
How much longer can I listen
To this ghost inside

Don't understand why I can't understand
Waiting for this fog to lift
You don't let go of my hand

I'm just trying to keep my feet on the ground
But you're pushing me to fly

I've marched this ground into a river bed
The walls are still there
But my fear fell instead

I'm just trying to keep my feet on the ground
But you're pushing me to fly
All I know is how to walk on this earth
But one day I'll be in the sky

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

I would just like to say that I am SO in love with Jesus. Like how faithful is he. It's shocking really. To think how much undeserved love I get. Like I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was telling me about some girls she works with and how like they wake up in the morning and don't know why cause they have no self-worth, they don't think their lives are valuable, they don't feel they are here for a reason or purpose, they don't know they are loved and a princess of a King. I was just like...woah...I never even realized that. I never even realized that I DO wake up in the morning because I am loved and valued and I have this amazing relationship with my creator that just captures my heart everyday and causes me to want to go out and see my dreams fullfilled. I didn't even realize that my whole life I had known I was of value to someone and that my life had significance and purpose. Like I just sat there almost saddened at how much I have taken for granted. But at the same time like having this revelation of how blessed I am to have always known those things and then just heart broken for the people who don't. Like why would you wake up if you didn't have Jesus. I mean hello I still struggle with making my bed an idol sometimes.
I would also like to say that I absolutely LOVE making new friends. I love going deep with people and I love hearing their stories and I love sharing mine and I love when you realize that God has probably brought you together as friends. (ok I so can not wait to know that about my man...that will be awesome) But yeah like Kate and i fully wagged our last class today and went to Starbucks and got some frappies and went to this gormet pizza place and just talked for hours. Like it was so good. It was so good to have someone here to do that with. I mean I have my aussie girls, but honestly I see them far too little...i mean I'm so glad they are here and i am here and I can see them, but you just know how it's so cool to have someone in your everyday life like that. Like how much do I miss that. Liene...I miss you hon! But yeah like I just keep getting blown away by this girl. Like I can't wait to see her outter shell crack cause there is a mighty woman of God underneath there that's going to change thousands of lives. no joke. So yeah that was freaking awesome, and it was so good to go somwhere and feel some sense of freedom. praise God. Well tomorrow's thursday, the next day is friday, and next week is our study break. Miracles are happening I tell ya. I think for now though I am off to bed to enjoy the miracle of sleep. And it is a miracle cause if I wake up tomorrow that's a miracle, and when I do wake up it'll be a miracle that I'm living in a new day with new grace and new mercies abounding for me. Thank you Jesus.
peace I'm out dawgs

Sunday, September 07, 2003

There's so much I want to vent here, but so much that is not for public consumption...if you know what I mean. It will be in a couple weeks so stay tuned but for now you get some other stuff. It's just as good so don't think of clicking the little x up there.
I've officially become more aussie. Why you ask? Because I have fallen in love with a little condiment called "Sweet Chili Sauce". Most commonly known for being combined with sour cream and turned into a dip for potato wedges, but you can put it on basically everything. Which I have been doing of late. I used to abhor the stuff and mock (mocha) aussies for eatting it and now...I have turned to the dark side. Just more confirmation that I'm meant to live here forevah I reckon.

I found out today that I am a very meloncholic type person. I always thought I was before but that was when I didn't really know what the definition of meloncholy was. I mean I thought I did, and I kinda did, but now it's been clearly defined for me and I definitely tend to have a melon collie personality. It's not a bad thing...it's kinda cool actually...when used in correct proportions and with correct aims and motives.

I would like to write about my new friend Kate. And I can write about Kate because she doesn't know this blog exsists. Ehhhhhxcellent. Kates a really cool girl that is at college with me, and I've known her pretty much the whole year, but like the last 3 weeks we've just been hanging out heaps and like extracurricularly and it's really cool. It's funny cause in some ways she is who I've always wanted to be. Like this really weird, genius creative person. Like seriously the type where you can look at their clothes and be like, "Oh she's one of those 'creative' types" I've always wanted to be able to have that level of creativity, but I'm too damn logical and I like the GAP too much. It's ok I mean I've come to terms with the gifts God has and hasn't given me, and I do have some level of creative ability and I'm really trying to stretch and grow that, but there's a part of me that still really wants to be able to pull that off. Anyway...back to Kate. The weirdest thing that I'm still comming to terms with is that she's younger than me...like she totally doesn't act it at all and when she tells me about her "past" I definitely feel the younger of the two...or at least the least experienced...but I honestly have like no friends that are younger than me. well like one but I forget she's younger than me as well. The only time I really remember that I'm older is when we're talking about God stuff and like the point in our journey's that we're both on. And I guess age and spiritual maturity don't always go hand in hand, but to some extent they do. So yeah we've been hanging out a lot and I guess that's kind of been freaking me out as well cause it starts to bring up the whole dependency issue. Like it always happens with friendships and especially starting new friendships or spending lots of time with one person before you're really "comfortable" with your relationship. I mean I guess it just brings up past stuff and a somewhat healthy fear of not wanting to relive that, but then like I find myself wanting to back out of stuff like not getting too close or whatever because I dont want to go there. I dunno. It's cool though. We've talked about living together next year with a couple other girls and I think that would rock. If we have the combo of roomies we've been talking about we would seriously have an awesome house. Anyway...I think I'm done talking about that for now. Though there will probably be more in the future cause I really like the idea of being able to process this whole thing in here.

Favorite Psalm of the moment: 5:3
In the morning Oh Lord, you hear my voice
In the morning I lay my requests before you
And wait in expectation

Favorite non-worship song of the moment: 11th Hour by Jars of Clay
"Rescue me from hanging on this line
I won't give up on giving you a chance to blow my mind
Let the eleventh hour quickly pass me by
I'll find you when I'm running out of time"

Favorite worship songs at the moment (sorry I'm in my Hillsong bubble....it'll burst soon enough):
"My hope is in the name of the Lord
Where my help comes from
Your my strength my song
My trust is in the name of the Lord
I will sing your praise
You are faithful"

and

"When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God"

Sensing any theme's there?
Anyway I reckon this is long enough...if you think about it pray for me. Well basically the only people that read this pray for me anyways so thanks heaps guys. Like I honestly sense the difference in my life. God is blesssing me so much that I can't even believe it sometimes. I love you all SOOOOOOOO much. Latah.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

So I found my wallet. Praise the Lord. Just thought you'd all like to know.
There's so much in my head and in my heart right now...unfortunately I have to go grocery shopping but suffice it to say that I love Jesus. I'm gonna put some notes up in here sometime. But I don't even have words there is just this something inside me that has been reborn. I feel like I have faith like a mustard seed and that mountains in my life actually ARE moving. I feel like I walk with Jesus and that at any time I can just turn and talk to Him and He'll talk back. I can't explain it but something's changing and I'm excited and slightly intimidated cause I know I'm not going to be able to maintain the standard of living I have right now. Habits have to change, thinking has to change, mindsets need to change. It'll be good. it's all about the journey. more later...a girls gotta eat.