Sunday, September 28, 2003

warning: this might be long, depressing, random, abstract, or any number of other things. read with caution.

I've been wanting to put this up for ages, but lent the cd to a friend and didn't want to confuse words like "pain" and "brain"

This Journey is my Own
By: Sara Groves (I so wish I could claim this song)

When I stand before the Lord, I'll be standing alone
This journey is my own
Still I want man's advice and I need man's approval, but this journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man
And pay the highest price?
What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?

So much of what I do is to make a good impression
This journey is my own
So much of what I say is to make myself look better
This journey is my own

Why would I want to live for man
And pay the highest price?
What would it mean to gain the world, only to lose my life?

I have never felt relief like i feel it right now
This journey is my own
Cause trying to please the world it was breaking me down, it was breaking me down

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, now I live and I breathe for an audience of one. Now I live and I breath for an audience of one, cause I know this journey is my own

And why would I want to live for man
And pay the highest price
What would it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose my life?

You can live for someone else, and it will only brin you pain
I can't even judge myself
Only the Lord can say, "Well done."



I would like to put that single song on a cd, and send it to my parents...maybe just my dad. I don't know. I'm so tired of them trying to make me live their journey. It's my own damn journey! yeah I want their advice, and I wish I had their approval but I'm tired of trying to get it.

It feels like every extreme emotion is inside me right now; bouncing around between my head, my heart, and my spirit like the little animated videos of molecules they showed us in chemistry in tenth grade. Anger and joy, frustration and peace, uncertainty and confidence. Tonight I've laughed till I thought I'd pee my pants, I've cried...more of that is definitely coming...you know what I think it is...it's the conflict between the spirit and the flesh. The last few weeks I've really realized that God has placed a pretty strong prophetic gifting in me and I've really been wrestling with that...not in a bad way..but like why? why me? why a conservative baptist girl (as if I actually classify myself like that). But right now it's like I can physically feel the battle going on, and it makes me want to just go to sleep when I probably should go upstairs and start praying. I just spent an hour or so (defintely not enough time) talk with (mostly listening to) Kate and man the enemy is so trying to pull her down...woah hang on...just had to message her. And it's so weird cause some parts of her, like the stuff we were talking about tonight was like me a few years ago and so I'm frustrated cause I so want to see her freed from it, but I can also see that she's TOTALLY on that journey. And I'm just really pissed off at Satan cause I mean this girl is such a world changer and he knows it and he's trying to stop it and he's not going to, if anything he's just helping her cause she's gonna persevere through these tests and and come out so much closer to God on the other side. And like my head totally wants to just say everything and tell her how she needs to get "fixed" but then my spirit (the Holy Spirit? the One that's in me...whatever you like) totally stops me, which is good, cause I know that 1) Whatever is was that God took me through to free me won't work for her and 2) That's just a really selfish thing to say. Part of me also really wants to light a fire underneath the rich, "daddy's girl" part of her that really is hardly there but the bit that is is doing a sufficient job of holding her back from some stuff. I don't know why I feel so responsible for a person I've really only gotten to know well for like the past month or so. It's like in my spirit I almost feel like a mother or a mentor or something towards her. Which is weird, cause yeah she's like 2 years younger or something, but that's really not heaps and she's really mature so I really don't think of her as younger at all, but then when it comes to God stuff I definitely see the gap and then I become really determined to like keep getting to know her, and do life with her, and spur her on into everything God's got. I dunno it's really weird. Actually leah was a bit of that to me last night, thanks for that mate I definitely thank God for you. Anyway...she (kate) is leading on a camp this week with her church up in queensland so i won't talk to her till like next monday which will be weird but good. I really think God's gonna do stuff, I mean even though she's "leading" God's gonna start breaking stuff off of her.

Man, my spirit is still really stirred up I think I"m gonna go do what I said I should've done a while ago and go do some praying. What a random night, seriously. I love my life. I love God more than life.