Monday, October 20, 2003

there is so much going on in my brain that like if I don't get out I will freak out. But because there is so much I've been putting it off cause I don't REALLY have the time to be doing this, but more stuff just gets thrown into the mix and if I don't take the time to vent I will have a break down which will result in me waisting more time than if I would have initially just gotten it all out. (how's that for a sentence)
First I would like to start with the drive home from Port Macquarie and the amazing conversations I had with kate. This girl really needs to bust outta her shell and let God break the chains that are still hanging around her, cause she's awesome, and once again I can't believe that God has placed someone In MY life that is so incredible and is going to change the world. Anyway, alot of stuff she was saying really got me thinking, and I came to the conclusion that even though I'm here and basically living on a prayer (and lots of faith) that when I think about the future and dream about what it is God wants me to do, I still limit it by what my family would deem acceptable. Or "normal". Of course nothing fits into those catagories so then I'm left frustrated and feeling like there is a cap on my life. But yeah once again God is reminding me that He is bigger than and starting to release me to dream those dreams regardless of the opinion of man. One of those dreams has been the thought of going back to Japan. Ever since I left there I knew I would go back, I never thought (and still don't) it would be for an extended time, but recently it's really been on my heart. I've been considering the possibility of maybe spending a year there and teaching english, but I have no idea how that would fit into what I really know I'm called to be doing. I get jealous of people who have travelled and lived all over the world and experienced God in all different cultures and have been able to serve God in all different cultures. I get jealous of people who feel they are called to an itinerate ministry because more and more this year God has confirmed that I'm going to be planted for life in a local church because that's where his blessing comes from. That doesn't mean I will never leave that place, but whenever I do it will be because I have been commissioned by them and I will always return to them as my church. I remembered that today. I remembered that I wanted to flourish in the house of God and be a part of what Jesus came to build. But I have no idea how that fits in with me going back to Japan. So then I started praying, God please open up your opportunity for me to go there, instead of me trying to make my own.

My dad's in the hospital. I think he's getting out with in the next day or so. He started having some heart murmurs and stuff. He's gonna be ok, but what really bothers me is satan. And the fact that he's allowed to attack my family like this. he's been on their case for far too long and it's seriously got me pissed off. I keep praying for protection, keep praying for breakthrough, and I know God hears me. I don't doubt that. And I know he's stronger, bigger, and far superior to any lame ambush attempt the enemy might try, but I'm just tired of getting bad reports from them. And I also think it's really lame that so many people are being attacked with their health right now. Doesn't satan know that these bodies are only temporary. I mean yeah it's what God's given us to do his work, and I absolutely believe in divine health and healing but as if sickness in faith filled servants is going to stop the growth of the kingdom. but seriously it's so unneccesary and I'm just not putting up with it any more. I have got a word from God that I am not going home for a funeral. So I know my dad is going to be stronger than ever and that through this persecution there will grow enduracne and faith. And I know that liene is going to be healed while learning lessons that she will need to carry close to her heart for the rest of her life. And I know that God's protection IS over my family and friends because I'm not going home to bury anyone dammit.

I keep having conversations with people about getting married. I think it's just an age and season of life thing. Everyone wants to find the one. It also doesn't help that it's spring, and seriously EVERYONE is hooking up. But the more I talk to people and everyone's very spiritual response is "I'm so not ready to get married, God's got so much work to do", I reckon I am ready. Of course God's got more work to do, he's always got more work to do. But I was talking to a friend today, and she said how she was just starting to think about how she is preparing now to be married in the future. What kind of habits she wants to take with her, she wants to be able to cook and keep a house, she wants to get better at managing her time, etc. And I'm just thinking yeah I've been thinking about that for ages. And I think even subconsiously the last few months I have been changing some habits that are lame. I think the biggest one has been my diet and exercise. Which weren't actually terrible before, but I know that with the kind of future I want I'm going to have to eat and exercise to have heaps more energy than I do now. I don't want my kids to grow up eatting junk food, so those are habits I have to change in myself now. I've purposely been cooking "real" meals instead of going the typical college kid route because I know that my life is only going to get busier and I want to be able to still make real food for my family. It's been a personal goal for me this year to learn to live on 6 hours of sleep and function at a normal level of awareness and happieness cause I know that a husband and kids and a ministry don't generally accomodate for 8 hours sleep. Some stuff I have been doing purposefully, but some stuff I've just done for no apparent reason, but now when I put it in the context of preparing for marriage it makes a bit more sense. So yeah I'm getting there. I guess I can say that I'm so ready for it, but I will KNOW I'm ready when he actually walks into my life wearing a "I'm single, but looking" t-shirt.
Um so I think my brain is basically empty now and I'm in serious need of a nap so I can be a bit more awake to finish up some assignments.
I think I'm also sick of waisting my time on this thing when I could be on my knees fighting. We are in the middle of a war you know. It become more and more evident every day. The main thing to remember is that the battle might not be over yet, but the war was won 2000 years ago. Keep pressing on my friends.