Monday, November 24, 2003

What is this? Three new posts in one 24 hour period? You'd think I was working back at CSE again. But alas and alack I am not. And I definitely have things I could, and probably should be dong, but for some odd reason I just want to write. Maybe it's because I took a lot of crap from my boss tonight, and because she's my boss and I have this weird conviction that authority should be respected I just smiled and internalized all my smart ass comments. Maybe it's because today I was really unsure if I wanted to be here or back in texas with my family. And more than the obvious confusion is the question "why would I want to be somewhere else if this is where I know God's called me?" Could it be because I was born into a world at war? Could it be that war is the ultimate seperator? Sons go off to battle never to return. Young brides don't see their husband until their first child is walking. Teenagers leave their families to go to what might as well be the other side of the universe with nothing but a crazy dream that they hope might save a few lives in this bloody battle.
I'm not sure why I want to write. But right now I'm compelled to it. I've really been loving that word "compelled" recently. Whenever I hear the word I think of the first line of the mission statement of my former place of worship in AZ. "Compelled by the Holy Spirit..." or something like that. I never did fully embrace the challenge to memorize it. But just that line, "compelled by the Holy Spirit". I love it because it's like you can't help but do something. You aren't being forced, there's still room for free will, but you just HAVE to. My life needs to be more like that. I need to be pushed more often. Sometimes I am, sometimes He is undeniably present, and compelling me towards something. But usually I'm pretty good at rationalizing Him away. That's sad. I wonder if I've done that so many times that He's become quieter. Maybe that's why I'm not as certain and Spirit lead as others. Maybe I've temporarily quenched him. Maybe I've said "No" one too many times and now He's waiting for me to take the first step and say "Yes" to anything. He still talks. Boy does He still talk. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't talk so much. But there's a lot more talking than compelling.
Now I'm really not sure why I want to write.
Though I am sure I want to go to bed. Last week of college for the year. Can I get a witness?