Tuesday, December 30, 2003

just a warning: this may very well be long, disconnected, and quite random. Just thought you'd like to know.

I was thinking this morning about intimacy. Just realizing (again) how it's such a huge part of our make up as humans; how we crave that connection and long to know and be known. Heart break is the direct result of trying to fill that void with the imperfect love and intimacy of a human relationship. This is true even in same sex friendships. We want connection, we want life long friendship, and in the words of Anne of Green Gables (yes she's a real person!) we all want a "kindred spirit".
Surprisingly enough we were created with this need, only it can't be filled by human love (completely). Jesus spoke this morning, and once again confirmed so gently and beautifully that he has filled that space in my life. He knows me. And I'm learning to know him. And the best part about Jesus is that He knows EVERYTHING. We like to pretend that that is a scary thought. Sunday school teachers made frightening impressions upon our very young minds that "God sees everything we do, knows everything we think, and hears everything we say". And that that is a bad thing. Your sins WILL find you out.
But the truth is the complete opposite! What an amazing, freeing, fulfilling, life giving thing it is to be COMPLETELY known by Jesus. Why? Because those bad bits...the piece of candy you took out of the bin at the grocery store, the time you had just a bit too much to drink, or when you let your thoughts about that amazing guy from church get carried away...He sees all that, and then he sweeps all of that dirt out from every nook and crannie in your soul. He replaces it with His purity, His love, His friendship, His Lordship, His righteousness, His holiness, and His intimacy. Oh man. Even if there was no such thing as eternal life, I would be a Christian just because this relationship and this WHOLENESS makes life on earth so much more bearable.
Once again I'm overwhelmed.

On to a completely different subject.

I think I'm being lead home. Not now, but maybe a year from now. Mesa, AZ consumes my thoughts. I'm not home sick, I'm just excited. For what? I"m not even sure, but generally, just what God is doing there. I want to go back to my church, to my church family rather. I want to be a part of that body and share and lead (in whatever capacity) from everything that God has taught me here. I want to be an example, if in nothing else but lifestyle, to the next generation. I want to see that church and that company of people known as worshipers of God. Not known for singing contemporary worship songs, or having rocking worship bands, but for honestly being worshippers 24/7. My heart is full with anticipation for that day. And a month ago I couldn't have cared less. This is why I'm not flying home today (well that and the whole don't have $2000 in my pocket thing). I'm here for another year, and my heart is still very much open to whatever it is God has planned for me after that. I have not cemented anything in my mind or in my heart. Which can be hard at times, and freeing at others. My theme song of the moment, and I suspect of the next few months is "Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, but if I stay it will be double. So come on and let me know....should I stay or should I go?" (Don't tell me you people don't listen to the 80's retro lunch hour. I know you do) I love Sydney. It will always be a part of my life. When I leave, it will not be the last time I see this city. I love it. I love australia, I love the people...by time I leave here I will have spent nearly 3 years of my post-highschool life here. But I don't know that I'll be living here forever like I initially had hoped. Honestly, at this point I don't want to.
What about all the dreams and vision and passion you had for Sydney? you may ask. I don't know. They are still there, though cooled at the moment. And I have realized that everything I dreamed about doing here is being done. Granted my vision for seeing the city saved has not yet come to pass, but there are people here who are planted here who are working towards that. They will always have my prayers, my thoughts, and my support in whatever way possible, but my heart is planted in Mesa. Or at least seems to be at the moment. That's the thing I hate about this whole season. I feel like this Mesa thing has got to be a temporary feeling, because it came on so suddenly, so strongly, so out of nowhere. At the same time there seems to be so many little confirmations. Not that this is a serious one, but today at the drive thru at maccas two FEMALE LDS missionaries came through. (I knew by their "sister Jackson" and "sister so and so" name tags). I was so excited! I love Mormons. I love talking to Mormons, I want to love them to the truth but that's like one of the hardest things in the world. But honestly how random is that? There are NO mormons in Sydney (though the Australia Temple is kinda near by). Last week on "Extreme Makeover" one of the ladies was from Mesa and the interviewed her with the Tempe Town "Lake" in the background, and I was like...man that's such a good place to live. I dunno. I'm giving it a year. My visa expires Jan. 15, 2005 and I'm determined to stay here that long. Well at least until Christmas, if I do end up going back.

In other news...

I've written 3 decentish songs in the last week. I'm shocked at my own musical maturity and development. What's that about???

My two AMAZING friends Alison from Av. and Leah from...all over the place...got me the new Delirious CD for Christmas. I"M LOVING IT!!!!!!!! If you're in America, I'm so sorry this cd does not come out until february 10th there. wait a second, no I'm not. There's got to be something we get first! I'll try to give a more detailed analysis after I have more thoroughly analyzed.

Well I think that's enough for now. Though you might find more soon.
Go love Jesus, and let Him love you.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

My heart aches
It longs for you
And the distance seems
Impossible to breakthrough

Don't try
To cover up your tears
The pain is too real
And doesn't easily disappear

Comforter, where are you now
My soul is weary and heavy
And waiting for you

Away in a manger
And so far from home
Al I want right now
Is to know I'm not alone
...to know I'm not alone
... I just want to go home

Comforter, where are you now
My sould is weary and heavy
And waiting for you

Just FYI that's not what is seems...kinda
Merry Christmas! I'm off to church (seriously WHO goes to church on Christmas day!) then the beach! God bless Australia. I'm seriously loving this christmas though...it is so rich with meaning.
Well I'm out. If you're with your family this Christmas, just love on them and don't take them for granted. You never know where next year may find you.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

So...maccas. (that's McDonald's)
Today was my first shift. It's pretty much like a greasier, busier Bo-Ma (that's Boston Market). It's not bad, once you get over the initial "I can't believe it's come to this" shock factor. It's all about worshiping God and singing. Then you remember why you're actually there. The other good thing is that this maccas is especially busy which means the time flys. Much more so than at Bo-Ma.
I made french fries today. May I suggest that you NEVER eat the fries at that place. I mean not that you didn't already know that, but yeah, it's hecka gross. The oil they use is seriously stored as solid lard. mmmmm.
I really don't want to say anymore about this...I'm just thankful for the provision. And praying for something a tad more...enjoyable.

Friday, December 19, 2003

you know what's really funny. When God talks to you in your sleep. I feel like I didn't even sleep last night cause God was talking to me so much. I mean I feel rested, but it was like some seriously productive sleep. And what's really bizarre is that there are definitely two distinct ways that he talked to me last night. One was through a dream. A weird, yet not so weird dream. I definitely know what He was telling me through it...actually it was a huge confirmation of some stuff. I love how God is so faithful to continuously confirm things he's planted in our heart. It's like mini pep talks ya know. like he's saying "Keep going, it's still comming, in my time the promise will come true". Very helpful when you start to lose sight of those things. But yeah it was a very clear, very remembered dream, the meaning of which was very clear. Sorry no details there.
The other way he spoke to me was the same way he speaks to me when I'm awake, Spirit to spirit. But it was weird because I was definitely asleep...I don't wake up for much...but it was as clear as if I was awake and talking to God like I do. He kept telling me "I have the best for you". And then listed all the things now and in the future that he has the best for me. When I woke up he kept speaking this to my heart. I guess he's just really trying to get it into me cause I'm struggling to believe it right now. I'm starting to. The scales are starting to fall off. But I still ask "How is THIS the best?" This is good, I'm very content with this right now, but the best? He sees so much we don't. And he generally doesn't tell us a whole lot of what we can't see at the moment. Oh the frustration.

On another note...
If your name is Sally, and you had lunch with Kendall Payne, can you please ask her what's the deal with her highly anticipated second cd and how an isolated American in Australia can get her hands on it. Thanks. =) And maybe the same for Katy Hudson, who's now going by Kathrine Pwoeialdkfa something i dunno.
Peace I'm out.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

I just wanted to give some much due praise to God. He is amazing. Um, props to the Holy Spirit as well. Thanks for guiding me. Jesus, i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. Merry Christmas.
I think I had a dream last night that I got asked to go to North Korea, and I was really excited about it.
Back to the praise. Ok so there's a friend, who's been really sick for too damn long, and long story short she seen a few miracles this week that I just want to praise God for. One of many ailments was a large (i think...don't really know I guess) cyst in one of her kidneys. Well she had an ultrasound done on it a couple weeks ago and the results came back to show NOTHING there. Cyst gone, bye bye, adios, latah mate. Just one miracle of many that need to yet take place.
On the job front, I shall be starting at Macca's next week. (That's the "cool" name for mcdonalds...Lord help me). This is definitely a yay but poo situation. Yay because I havne't been finding any other work and the money's gonna run out eventually and poo for obvious reasons. It's mcdonalds. Another praise in this area is that this whole time that I haven't been working...I've been getting PAID! score. Gotta love the bizzare workers rights rules they have in this country.
Anyway, I"m out. Need to do some reading. I think I've got one, possibly two up for the "Luke" challenge. Anyone else?

Monday, December 15, 2003

Generally I would not bother to attempt a re-write of an entry that had been lost, but obviously someone does not want this out for the world to read. Not that the whole world reads this, but you know.
So I just finished reading the Book of John. I didn't read it all in one go, i read the first half pretty much last week then the second half today. It's so amazing reading a book so quickly like that, I highly reccommend it. You get perspective, and get to read it as the story it was intended to be read as. I used this book called "How to read the Bible book by book"by Dr. Gordon Fee, it's kind of like a commentary but not really. It gives a brief outline of each book and some social, cultural, etc. context and then pretty much kicks you out to read it for yourself. It's really good.
We've lost the story of the Bible. We chop it up too much to fit into sermon outlines and cute little greeting cards, especially the Gospels. "Oo, John 3:16, that's a good verse". "I love the Sermon on the Mount". But we have no perspective. We don't take the time to read the story as it was meant to be read. I think my next book will be Luke, since it's Christmas time and all. If anyone wants to read it with me that would be hecka cool. Like if a bunch of us read it we could all like talk about it and set up debates and stuff..not debates...but like discussions where we could talk about what God was showing us, and about the story as a whole. That'd be sick. If anyone's interested email me or leave a comment or something. I'll totally organize it. Wow, I'm way too excited about that.
I'm out...

Thursday, December 11, 2003

"To live in ignorance of spiritual warfare is the most naive and dangerous thing a person can do. It's like skipping through th eworst part of town, late at night, waving your wallet above your head. it's like walking into an
al-Quaida training camp wearing an 'I love the United States' T-shirt. It's like swimming with great whte sharks, dressed as a wounded sea lion and smeared with blood. And let me tell you something: you don't escape spiritual warfare simply because you choose not to believe it exsits or because you refuse to fight it.
The bottom line is, you are going to have to fight for your heart. Remember John 10:10 - the thief is trying to steal the life God wants to give."

(from Waking the Dead by John Eldredge)

I don't think I'm neccesarily naive to spiritual warfare, but I will say that right now I feel like I'm wearing an "I love the United States" in the middle of an al-Quaida training camp. Or kind of like that giant magnet they have at scrap metal yards...all the crap is being attracted to me.

God is good.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

It all comes back to Ps. 116. This is from The Message, courtesy of

Psa 116:1 I love GOD because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy.
Psa 116:2 He listened so intently as I laid out my case before him.
Psa 116:3 Death stared me in the face, hell was hard on my heels. Up against it, I didn't know which way to turn;
Psa 116:4 then I called out to GOD for help: "Please, GOD!" I cried out. "Save my life!"
Psa 116:5 GOD is gracious--it is he who makes things right, our most compassionate God.
Psa 116:6 GOD takes the side of the helpless; when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.
Psa 116:7 I said to myself, "Relax and rest. GOD has showered you with blessings.
Psa 116:8 Soul, you've been rescued from death; Eye, you've been rescued from tears; And you, Foot, were kept from stumbling."
Psa 116:9 I'm striding in the presence of GOD, alive in the land of the living!
Psa 116:10 I stayed faithful, though bedeviled, and despite a ton of bad luck,
Psa 116:11 Despite giving up on the human race, saying, "They're all liars and cheats."
Psa 116:12 What can I give back to GOD for the blessings he's poured out on me?
Psa 116:13 I'll lift high the cup of salvation--a toast to GOD! I'll pray in the name of GOD;
Psa 116:14 I'll complete what I promised GOD I'd do, and I'll do it together with his people.
Psa 116:15 When they arrive at the gates of death, GOD welcomes those who love him.
Psa 116:16 Oh, GOD, here I am, your servant, your faithful servant: set me free for your service!
Psa 116:17 I'm ready to offer the thanksgiving sacrifice and pray in the name of GOD.
Psa 116:18 I'll complete what I promised GOD I'd do, and I'll do it in company with his people,
Psa 116:19 In the place of worship, in GOD's house, in Jerusalem, GOD's city. Hallelujah!

Dear God,
Please fix everything.

I love you.
- Your daughter

Saturday, December 06, 2003

I'm home sick. And it's a vicious cycle because I think the only reason that I am home sick is because i was just home. I have fresh memories, fresh conversations replaying in my head. I finally have mental pictures of the new place my family hesitantly calls "home" I walk around my house here looking at the carpet for clumps of dog hair to pick up, then remember my dog isnt here. I wonder what happened in each member of my families life TODAY when I'm usually satisfied with a weekly or bi-weekly update. I cry and think that will make me get over it, it helps, but then I remember when I was there crying because of something my mom said to me and that feeling that I can never do anything right. I remember being there and crying because I wasn't here then I just feel scitzo, "What do you want to do with your life anyway Mel? You can't be in two places at once." And on top of everything else, everyone here is going home for Christmas. There's literally only a handful of us kids who are making our own way in this crazy country and can't afford to go home for the holidays.
You know what I just realized...the main reason that I came back from America (mom wanted me to stay through until january when school started back up) was because of Boson Market and job security. HA! Life's funny. What are you doing God? Taking me through the process I know. I just need your peace back. It's been lost in the absolute "bizareness" of these past 6 weeks. Nothing feels certain, I don't feel like you've made my feet to walk on solid ground any more...it feels like I'm walking on water. Hm, interesting that that just came out.

That's really too deep to process right now. Im going to have to think about that for a while. And you know what, I'll have 7 hours to think about it while I'm cleaning up the superdome tonight. I'm dreading it...the only consolation is that we have a fun group of people working. Lord help me.