Saturday, December 06, 2003

I'm home sick. And it's a vicious cycle because I think the only reason that I am home sick is because i was just home. I have fresh memories, fresh conversations replaying in my head. I finally have mental pictures of the new place my family hesitantly calls "home" I walk around my house here looking at the carpet for clumps of dog hair to pick up, then remember my dog isnt here. I wonder what happened in each member of my families life TODAY when I'm usually satisfied with a weekly or bi-weekly update. I cry and think that will make me get over it, it helps, but then I remember when I was there crying because of something my mom said to me and that feeling that I can never do anything right. I remember being there and crying because I wasn't here then I just feel scitzo, "What do you want to do with your life anyway Mel? You can't be in two places at once." And on top of everything else, everyone here is going home for Christmas. There's literally only a handful of us kids who are making our own way in this crazy country and can't afford to go home for the holidays.
You know what I just realized...the main reason that I came back from America (mom wanted me to stay through until january when school started back up) was because of Boson Market and job security. HA! Life's funny. What are you doing God? Taking me through the process I know. I just need your peace back. It's been lost in the absolute "bizareness" of these past 6 weeks. Nothing feels certain, I don't feel like you've made my feet to walk on solid ground any more...it feels like I'm walking on water. Hm, interesting that that just came out.

That's really too deep to process right now. Im going to have to think about that for a while. And you know what, I'll have 7 hours to think about it while I'm cleaning up the superdome tonight. I'm dreading it...the only consolation is that we have a fun group of people working. Lord help me.