Tuesday, December 30, 2003

just a warning: this may very well be long, disconnected, and quite random. Just thought you'd like to know.

I was thinking this morning about intimacy. Just realizing (again) how it's such a huge part of our make up as humans; how we crave that connection and long to know and be known. Heart break is the direct result of trying to fill that void with the imperfect love and intimacy of a human relationship. This is true even in same sex friendships. We want connection, we want life long friendship, and in the words of Anne of Green Gables (yes she's a real person!) we all want a "kindred spirit".
Surprisingly enough we were created with this need, only it can't be filled by human love (completely). Jesus spoke this morning, and once again confirmed so gently and beautifully that he has filled that space in my life. He knows me. And I'm learning to know him. And the best part about Jesus is that He knows EVERYTHING. We like to pretend that that is a scary thought. Sunday school teachers made frightening impressions upon our very young minds that "God sees everything we do, knows everything we think, and hears everything we say". And that that is a bad thing. Your sins WILL find you out.
But the truth is the complete opposite! What an amazing, freeing, fulfilling, life giving thing it is to be COMPLETELY known by Jesus. Why? Because those bad bits...the piece of candy you took out of the bin at the grocery store, the time you had just a bit too much to drink, or when you let your thoughts about that amazing guy from church get carried away...He sees all that, and then he sweeps all of that dirt out from every nook and crannie in your soul. He replaces it with His purity, His love, His friendship, His Lordship, His righteousness, His holiness, and His intimacy. Oh man. Even if there was no such thing as eternal life, I would be a Christian just because this relationship and this WHOLENESS makes life on earth so much more bearable.
Once again I'm overwhelmed.

On to a completely different subject.

I think I'm being lead home. Not now, but maybe a year from now. Mesa, AZ consumes my thoughts. I'm not home sick, I'm just excited. For what? I"m not even sure, but generally, just what God is doing there. I want to go back to my church, to my church family rather. I want to be a part of that body and share and lead (in whatever capacity) from everything that God has taught me here. I want to be an example, if in nothing else but lifestyle, to the next generation. I want to see that church and that company of people known as worshipers of God. Not known for singing contemporary worship songs, or having rocking worship bands, but for honestly being worshippers 24/7. My heart is full with anticipation for that day. And a month ago I couldn't have cared less. This is why I'm not flying home today (well that and the whole don't have $2000 in my pocket thing). I'm here for another year, and my heart is still very much open to whatever it is God has planned for me after that. I have not cemented anything in my mind or in my heart. Which can be hard at times, and freeing at others. My theme song of the moment, and I suspect of the next few months is "Should I stay or should I go now? If I go there will be trouble, but if I stay it will be double. So come on and let me know....should I stay or should I go?" (Don't tell me you people don't listen to the 80's retro lunch hour. I know you do) I love Sydney. It will always be a part of my life. When I leave, it will not be the last time I see this city. I love it. I love australia, I love the people...by time I leave here I will have spent nearly 3 years of my post-highschool life here. But I don't know that I'll be living here forever like I initially had hoped. Honestly, at this point I don't want to.
What about all the dreams and vision and passion you had for Sydney? you may ask. I don't know. They are still there, though cooled at the moment. And I have realized that everything I dreamed about doing here is being done. Granted my vision for seeing the city saved has not yet come to pass, but there are people here who are planted here who are working towards that. They will always have my prayers, my thoughts, and my support in whatever way possible, but my heart is planted in Mesa. Or at least seems to be at the moment. That's the thing I hate about this whole season. I feel like this Mesa thing has got to be a temporary feeling, because it came on so suddenly, so strongly, so out of nowhere. At the same time there seems to be so many little confirmations. Not that this is a serious one, but today at the drive thru at maccas two FEMALE LDS missionaries came through. (I knew by their "sister Jackson" and "sister so and so" name tags). I was so excited! I love Mormons. I love talking to Mormons, I want to love them to the truth but that's like one of the hardest things in the world. But honestly how random is that? There are NO mormons in Sydney (though the Australia Temple is kinda near by). Last week on "Extreme Makeover" one of the ladies was from Mesa and the interviewed her with the Tempe Town "Lake" in the background, and I was like...man that's such a good place to live. I dunno. I'm giving it a year. My visa expires Jan. 15, 2005 and I'm determined to stay here that long. Well at least until Christmas, if I do end up going back.

In other news...

I've written 3 decentish songs in the last week. I'm shocked at my own musical maturity and development. What's that about???

My two AMAZING friends Alison from Av. and Leah from...all over the place...got me the new Delirious CD for Christmas. I"M LOVING IT!!!!!!!! If you're in America, I'm so sorry this cd does not come out until february 10th there. wait a second, no I'm not. There's got to be something we get first! I'll try to give a more detailed analysis after I have more thoroughly analyzed.

Well I think that's enough for now. Though you might find more soon.
Go love Jesus, and let Him love you.