Thursday, January 01, 2004

ah yes. The new year. 2004, and I'm still not flying around in my personal space the 80's were sure wrong about the 00's. (you can figure out how to pronounce that) Time for reflections and resolutions. I've been doing much more of the latter than the former; a habit which I may actually need to stop and start making some goals and dreams for the year that is yet to unfold. I must say 2003 was freaking awesome. It was by far my hardest year ever (up until the very last day...a story yet to come) but each hardship was so worth everything I have gained from this place. Living the dream baby. Come to think of it I don't think I had any real concrete goals for 2003 other than to make it to the end of the year and develop some friendships with "pre-christians". Both of which have been successfully accomplished. Speaking of friendships that has definitely been the greatest blessing of this year. I recall a song we used to sing in Brownies (one of those incredibly RANDOM childhood memories) "Make new friends but keep the old, some are silver and the others gold". I think I have more "gold" friends than I could have ever asked for. Not just friendships, but life long, intimate, "Kindred spirits" (there's Anne again). Relationships I left in America have not just been maintained, but they have blossomed and become a source of unspeakable joy and encouragement. Some have temporarily died, but MWS said it best when he sang "And friends are friends forever, if the Lords the Lord of them". (what's with all the cheesy quotes??) My relationship with my immediate family has grown and become closer as well. How does all of this happen despite the distance? Absence makes the heart grow fonder? (that's cheesy quote number 4 if you're counting). I've allowed, and sometimes made myself become more open and vulnerable with them to the point of calling home today not just crying but bawling because of my current circumstances. And bless my mom's heart she made it very clear that when she asked, "So what are your plans?" it was not, "So when are you coming home?" in disguise. They trust me, and trust my desicions and trust my wisdom (they said that!) and don't want to pressure me either way. (though I was really wanting them to tell me what to do today. I want anyone to tell me what to do, I can't make this desicion it's too hard. I don't want to be a grown up anymore. Why did I take off and leave home so soon?) I told her I'd give it to the end of the month, and if nothing changed significantly I'd charge a ticket home. I can't believe I said it myself. But even now reflecting back on that statement, which was kind of said in the middle of emotional upheaval, I still have peace about it and I think it's the right plan to have for the moment. And let me tell you my plans have been changing by the moment. Which I hate. Absolutely hate. I'm so not myself right now. (Um, this blog just took a turn to the left, in case you didn't notice). Or maybe the problem is that right now I am completely my true self. How many times have I heard this year that when pressure and hard times and attacks come and squeeze you, the truth about who you are on the inside comes out. Well let me tell you friends my insides are made up of a lot of saline. I haven't stoped crying for two days...I'm crying now as a matter of fact, and honestly, it feels good...except for the headache...but it's definitely cathartic and helpful in some way. Back to the previous statement regarding wanting someone to tell me what to do...I want God to tell me what to do, but He won't, and He said that. He's told me time after time, after I've "demanded" He give me specific guidance, that he's given me a head, a heart, a spirit and that He'll bless whatever descion I make. Well that doesn't help. And you know what He threw in my face to illustrate that point? Last night. Last night was New Year's Eve here in Sydney and a few friends and I went into the city. It was amazing (details in a bit). But I didn't ask God, "Ok now You have to tell me where to go and what to do tonight God, because I don't want to move without your guidance." No, I used my head...I didn't want to be around the psycho partiers so we stayed on the north side of the city and went to a reserve that I'd heard was a bit more "family friendly". So that's where we headed to, and I know it sounds "super spiritual" but God really did completely bless the night. We miraculously found free parking in the city (I KNOW, I almost didn't want to move my car when we left, ha) within walking distance of our final destination. We found the greatest little patch, on the ferry dock of all places, that had ample space, nothing in front of us but water, boats and the beautiful Bridge and Opera House, and the hopelessly drunk crowd very far away. Honestly, it was a dream come true. I've always wanted to have a NYE in sydney like that. I wouldn't trade it in for anything (including my cell phone that is currently sitting at the bottom of the Sydney Harbour, though that was a very sad loss). Point it, the night was amazing. I couldn't have dreamed that it would be better, or cheaper! We honestly paid like $5 for gas and $5 for food. All of that and not once did I really "consult" God, persay. I was just using the gifts He's given me. And now that's what He's telling me to do about this whole staying or going thing. Though to me it seems a little bit of a more serious descision.
And I know what you're thinking cause I'm thinking the same thing. "Ok, Mel so a month ago you were pumped on the whole cafe living in Sydney forever thing, two weeks ago you started thinking about going back to Mesa, last week you said you were going to stick it out until the end of this year come hell or high water, and now you're giving it until the end of the month???"
Yeah I know. Well hell has definitely come, and it's name is McDonalds. I will never look at that place the same again. I hate it. And I think I truely mean that. I hate everything about it, I hate who it turns me into, and I hate myself when I'm there. It has nothing to do with "McDonalds", I hope I'm not that proud after this year, but none of the managers or staff there like me (except for the rest of the people that came over from Bo-Ma and surprisingly they aren't liked as well) and they make us do all the shit jobs. It's seriously so crap. Even thinking about going back there makes me cry. I don't want to do it. And if you know me, you know that I'm a pretty tough person. I've done a lot of jobs in my short life that some people wouldn't go near. I cleaned the nasty as Superdome for goodness sake...there's not a lot I won't do (though my friend said the retirement home she's working at might be hiring, but you have to bathe old people...I won't do that. Only if they're related to me and were a part of bringing me into this world would I do that.) So it's not like I'm a whip and just whinging about having to lie through my teeth when I say "Enjoy your meal", cause hell it's McDonalds! On top of all that one of the managers (the especially bitchy one) checked my uniform yesterday and told me my shoes weren't "regulation" though they have been all year at Bo-Ma which has the same regulations. Right. So she said I have to buy new shoes before my next shift, I tried to politely fight her in saying that I have no money and would try. She bitched back with, and I quote, "It's not a matter of trying. There's a shopping centre across the street that has shoes at a variety of prices, and if you don't get shoes that are acceptable don't come back". She was SO gracious though and let me work the rest of the day in my "unregulation" shoes. If she was REALLY that concerned, shouldn't she have sent me home? And the ironic thing is that the whole time she was telling me this I was looking at her shoes, which were definitely not "regulation" compared to what she was telling me. Ugh. Did I mention that I hate it. And I definitely don't want to invest money into shoes for a job that I hate and intend to leave as soon as humanly possible. I don't HAVE money to buy shoes with! Needless to say I am now frantically trying to find a job, any job, before my next shift.
Did I mention that New Year's Eve was freaking amazing? Sydney definitely knows how to throw a party I tell ya what. 1 million people in the city, and all of them except us three were drunk off their faces ha. Because of the length of the habour and how spread out people were they actually had 4 separate, identical firework displays that were all syncronized and centered around the Bridge. It was AMAZING. I seriously can't get over it. And because of all the bays, and inlets, and city buildings, the sound just echoed everywhere. I felt like a kid again. I also felt patriotic because fireworks on a hot summer's day must obviously be the 4th of July. Or the 1st of January. Whatever.

New subject.

So you know the stereo type of the stay at home wife who, when her husband comes home from a long day's work promptly starts to talk his ear off because she hasn't had any verbal communication all day? That's how I feel with my housemate. Except all the time. It's hard cause I mean I am actually interested in what she has to say most of the time, but I just don't have the patience or desire after 6 hours in hell for her to tell me how great her new car is. Lets rub a little more salt in the wound thanks.

So back to the whole crying on the phone to my parents thing. I was seriously debating whether or not to call because I didn't know if I wanted to appear that "weak" (though I tell you what...He truely does become our strength in weakness). But I'm so glad that I did call, because though they didn't tell me what to do, they talked with me through some things, and were just so calm and understanding about it. They went through their fare share of rough times and trailer parks when they were young, so I definitely respect them for speaking from experience. My dad actually answered the phone and didn't seem to be freaked out at all. He said he was sorry (obviously) and wished they had money to help out, but they he would support whatever I decided to do. (there it goes again. What's it with Dad's and them wanting you to think for yourself these days) And my mom was amazing. I was sure that when she heard me crying she'd lose it herself, which was totally what I did NOT need, but she maintained composure the whole time, and eventually distracted me with stories of christmas, painting, and the search for certain household items which have still not turned up after the move. Though I wouldn't be surprised if she lost it after we hung up. I'm so thankful for them. And thankful for what God is doing in their lives. Today..or yesterday I guess... was dad's last day at therapy. He won't see anyone until March. Lord willing. And He is.

I would like to say that i hate this stupid South Beach diet, but it does seem to be working. Though I'm not sure it will be after my New Year's Eve mini-splurge.

ok and you know what I love, I love the joy, peace, patience, confidence, security, faith, and grace that I'm experiencing through all of this crap right now. I love that though life kicks your ass sometimes, Jesus and that relationship is immovable and is absolutely an anchor that holds you steady.

I think I need to stop thinking about myself now, and start thinking about others that are going through crap right now as well. i.e. PRAY!

Umm, if you've read this far, you get a gold star or you're just really bored and in that case get nothing. Except probably knowing way too much about my life.
Peace out.