Monday, January 26, 2004

I don't know what I'm doing here. I just got home from a long day out and about celebrating this wonderful nation. I should be in bed, but somehow I've wandered here. I think mostly because i'm in total mental and emotional chaos and venting here usually helps to clear things up...or at least get it out of my system.
I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to hit something and cry some more. I want to chuck the biggest tanty and get some fucking answers from God as to why this is happening. It sucks. It absolutely sucks.
You know what was one of the best things about today. We were in the city, right, George Street, like middle of the city heading towards the quay and I run into someone I know. Someone IIIIIIIII know. I ran into someone I know in Sydney. Someone that's from Sydney, that I go to church with, that went to college with me. I ran into her on the street. For the first time ever I wasn't the one standing around all awkward thinking "man I don't know anyone in this town except for the people I met on the internet". It's becoming home. It is home. Sure as hell more home than Dallas will ever be. And I'm leaving. And some people don't even seem to care.
I care. I cried getting the ferry back to Leah's. God, you did a good job with this place. It brings me to tears. And the worst part is I have no idea when I'll be back. The Bridge, the Opera House, the Harbour...it's so breath taking. Why would anyone leave? Oh, cause they're out of money. Right.

On the other hand, as much as I hate it and as much as it sucks I still have peace about going. That is the one thing that has not left me. He truely is the Prince of Peace. I've been having to eat, breath, and drink that peace because it seems it's all I've got right now.
It doesn't make any sense. Total chaos and total peace.
sigh.

There's so much more I could say.
I wish people would grow up and get real with life. Or am I just an "old soul"? Man I tell you what, life is too damn short to screw around with it, to waste it, to be miserable, and broken. There is an abundant life. There is wholeness. Might sound slightly odd coming from every I just said but even in the midst of all this I know who I am, I know my Creator, I know I am my Beloved's, and I absolutely know my life is abundant.

I really want to get a tatoo. I've got it all planned out. I might do it before I leave. My mom can't tell me to take a tatoo out. It'll be really cute and discreet, and this phrase, promise from God rather, has been my sanity. I think I will try to do it before I go. I'll check into it tomorrow. Amy will know a good tatoo parlor.

I'm going to take a shower and wash the layers of sweat off then to bed.
Farewell.

Oh and sorry if you were offended. Really I am. But it's my blog right?