Friday, January 16, 2004

I feel like I've reverted to my senior year of high school. Kind of. Senior year I had no idea what I wanted to do and thought my life would become nothing if I didn't find something worthwhile, and quick. So I did YWAM. That bought me some time. And also lead me to Hills, and Sydney, which is where I was sure I would spend the rest of my life. That was my call. That was my purpose. Working with Jesus to save this city.
So here I am two weeks from leaving "my purpose" and I think the only difference between now and senior year is that I know no matter where I end up, or what I end up doing I know that I am sucessful, I do have value, I am living in God's will, and my self worth does not come from what I happen to be doing at the moment. (You learn that last lesson really quickly when you are scraping off wrappers glued with beer to the floor of the Superdome.)
It's just really weird because even though I haven't gotten very far into my dreams yet, it feels like I'm totally changing gears, and I am I guess, but I can't change gears like this every 3 years ya know. I need to choose something and go with it. I WANT to choose something and go with it. The problem comes in the choosing. "Go with your heart." "Seek God's perfect will." "Choose something and God will bless it." Right.
You know what my dream is? To be able to make a living working at a church. At my church, in Mesa. I really want to sit down with my senior pastor and my worship pastor and say, "Ok, I'm here for life. I need to finish uni, I want to start an arts academy to build the gifts of kids and people in the church but also to reach out to the community. Can you guarantee me a paid position in 3 years that will at least cover my food and rent." In my dreams right? Oh wait, I already said that was my dream. So then I think, ok do I go for a music major that will give me the skills I need to do something like that even if I end up working a job on the side to actually make money? Or do I get a degree that will make me money and do music on the side?
Then today I had this other thought. "I really would love to be a writer. I have so many thoughts and have so much I would love to try to express to the greater church body." Now, if you're a regular reader of this blog, you may not believe me but I was actually a pretty decent writer back in the day. If I got back into form and did a uni degree I could maybe pull it off. I would love to write for Relevant. Geez, don't toy with your emotions like that Mel. But then I wonder what the hell does writing have to do with serving my local church? How would it benefit them? I so have a passion for the local church. I want to build the kingdom through building MY church. You meet a lot of people around here that want the global, itinerate preacher, world renowned ministry. I really have no desire for that. I want to be part of an influencial church. I want to be part of a church with a big vision, but I don't need any of that for me personally.
The frustration is that right now I'm apart of a church that has got the balance of local and global influence perfected. It seems normal that our pastors are here one weekend and preaching to 100,000 people in Rio the next. However, they reached their position on the global scene by sowing into the local. They were faithful with the small, and through sowing into the local vision God gave them an opportunity to impact the larger church body.
So that takes me back to music, finishing that degree and trusting that God will continue to use those gifts and talents.
Sometimes I wish I was called into the business world. It's so much more concrete. It's so much more stable. Or even accounting or medicine or law or some kind of carreer path. Not fulltime ministry which is so abstract. At least when you say "I'm studing business" people know there is a concrete career path there. Not so much when you say, "Yeah I'm studing music and trusting God's got a plan".
I guess it doesn't bother me so much, as it bothers me having to constantly explain and find approval in others. hm..maybe that's something to think about.

In other news...

I went to the Jars of Clay concert tonight. I wasn't going to, but decided at the last minute. It was good. Probably the best I've ever seen them. Some things never change though. Poor Dan H. He just isn't much of a performer. None of them are actually but they are amazing musicians and that is pretty cool to watch.

Well I guess that's "it". I'm off to bed. Good night.