Friday, February 27, 2004

More "Passion" talk. Sorry if it seems like I'm getting caught up in the hype. I don't think I am, at least I hope I'm not. ANd I hope it doesn't come across that way. It's just an unavoidable subject right now, and especially after you've seen the movie.

I don't know if it was a conscious or subconscious descision that lead to me pulling out the best Jennifer Knapp cd of all time today or not, but however it came about to end up in my cd player it wasn't an accident. I know a lot of people are using The Passion as an evangelistic tool. I personally don't think Mr. Gibson intended for it to be so. I could be wrong. But if anyone wants to used something to make a connection between the "what" of the crucifixtion shown in the movie and the "why" of the crucifixtion, which is really the point anyway, Knapp's "The Way I Am" album bridges that gap beautifully. I haven't listened to the album in ages, and had forgotten how much it centers on the imagery of the cross, but also on the forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love that come from it. Even if you're a christian, I"d suggest busting out this cd, or buying it if you don't have it after seeing the movie. IT really just ties it together well, and brings your focus back into line. It's not about the blood and gore and violence. It's not. And right now I could go off on a very long and heated tangent about how sick I am of people in the media portraying it as such, because their just straight wrong, but I won't. It really makes you realize the power of the Holy Spirit at work, and the power of the enemy at work. There is a reason why some people have reacted so intensly against this movie, and also a reason why it's been given two thumbs up. Some people are ready for this movie, spiritually speaking, and others aren't. I have no doubt that for some people it will be the thing that pushes them to take that final step of faith and put their trust in Christ. For others it will push them further away.

And now I need to go get ready. I'm going out to lunch with people I don't know. Should be fun. Anyone want to make a bet about where our discussions will lead? Come on I really need the money, anyone up for somegambling? I put one dollar down, and set the odds at a million to one we will talk about "the movie". Now, if I am correct whoever has read this has to give me a million dollars. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. My blog, my rules. =)

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Well after towing my dad's Rodeo with "my" Ford Ranger 30 miles on the freeway yesterday afternoon I did get to see The Passion. I was kind of in a hurry to see the movie before I wused out.
The second point I wanted to talk about yesterday was definitely confirmed by my watching the movie.

The hardest part about watching the proceedings of those very long 12 hours was that it was like watching the wrongful condemnation and execution of your best friend. If your a Christian, this story is so much more than a part of history. It's a part of YOU. It's a part of your spiritual make up. It defines you. You have a relationship with this person, and if it's a good relationship you talk with him, you listen to him, you work and play with him and then you watch him get killed....for the good of the relationship. It's a hard reality to come to terms with. I think we have so distanced ourself from the story of Christ that seeing it in this confronting format kind of turns your thinking upside down. Or into mush if you're me. There's so much I want to process about this may be a few days before it's all out of me.

I want to write down my initial reaction that I wrote down in my paper journal whilst sitting at Starbucks right after the movie.

I just saw The Passion I didn't really cry. I just froze. Even now as I'm sitting at Starbucks "processing" I'm still trying to loosen my jaw that was locked. It's horrifying. NOt in a scary sense but in was me that put him there sense.

Jesus, how did you make it to the corss? How did you endure? No mere human woud have lived through the scourgings. Was is because of the prophecies? How could you have even been mentally strong enough to consider them? After watching you endure all of that, I woudl say those were the hours when your diety shone brightest. It had to have been a supernatural power keeping you alive so you could naturally die on the cross. How did you carry it? Even Simon who was healthy, young, and strong couldn't bear the weight.
Your grace. Your mercy. You created them. They spat on you. With each beting all I could hear was, "I love you". You said it to me. You said it to them.

There's so much more to say...but I think I'm out of words.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

So I'm on my way to go buy my ticket to see The Passion today. I'm not super excited but I'm going to do it. I had two major revelations last night. Well, at least they were to me.

1. I was watching the late episode of Entertainment Tonight and they were showing about 10 angry Jewish "leaders" (which of course translated into a "mob") in New York City that had just seen the movie. They were outraged. One guy I think was a councilman for NYC and said Mel Gibson should be, "ashamed of himself". One lady was histerical crying saying something like she wished Gibson understood the passion with which the Jewish people have been/are hated and how this movie is going to incite anti-semitism.

My heart broke and I honestly started crying. They missed the WHOLE POINT. Did they blink during the part where the subtitles read "You have no power other than what you are given. You don't take my life, I lay it down" I mean I haven't even seen the movie yet, but I"ve seen that clip. And that IS the point. No one killed Jesus. Jews, Romans...they were all pawns, players in this continually unfolding story known as life on earth. He GAVE his life away. And it physically hurts me that Jewish people are still missing that point. HIS people. 2000 years later the prophecies still ring true. Pray for Jews that the stronghold Satan has over their lives would be broken. And if you personally know anyone or have any Jewish friends LOVE THEM! my dad just called and his car broke down on the freeway, which might stall my movie plans, and has stalled my second point...which I shall return to later.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Stealing is not nice. I claim this as mine whether you like it or not.

Lost without you
I've been walking in circles
Without you

Bring me back to the day
When we walked hand in hand
We were so in love
THen I threw it away
Looking for something
But what I needed was you

Saw you at the church
You could feel the awkwardness
But all you had were smiles

We talked over lunch
I don't know why you took me back
Cause we were so in love
And I threw it away
Looking for something
But what I needed was you

Best Friend


Cause we were so in love
And you never walked away
You waited patiently
Praying I"d return

You're the love I don't deserve
A sacrifice I didn't pay
I walked a winding road to say
All I needed was you

Friday, February 20, 2004

Life is so unfair. So incredibly, absolutely, stinking unfair. I'd like to blame Adam, and Eve, and Satan...since really wouldn't he have been the first to sin? I'd like to have a reason, and I'd like God to fix everything. I'd like to actually be witnessing this VICTORY the Bible claims we have through Christ. Victory over sin, death, and the grave but not lame insurance companies and government agencies? I thought your 20's were for hanging with friends, and pretending to be serious in cafe's when you really just wanted to go watch Friends, and becomming responsible but not with too much responsibility in tow, and drinking, and having boundless energy, and doing stupid things like moving to Sydney for a year simply because you CAN.
Your 20's are NOT for lying sick in bed, struggling to physically be able to check your email, fighting with crap "customer service" people, wondering where your next pay check is coming from, or if it's coming at all, or anything at all that is generally related to people in their 70's and 80's!!!!
Life is unfair, and it sucks, and I hate it, and there's nothing I can do about it, and I know "the best thing I can do is pray" but that doesn't seem like enough with the shit hits the fan AGAIN. Damn.

Do me a favor if you're reading this, and do not for ONE MOMENT take for granted any health, prosperity, security, abundance, friendships, or anything that you have been blessed with. And if you have more than you know what to do with, GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T! It's too bad communisim only works on paper.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

So, have you seen Mona Lisa Smile? I saw it today, and seriously thought about walking back in for the next showing. The really weird thing is, because it came out while I was gone, I had heard NOTHING about this film, except that a friend told me it was really good. And as it started, I realized I had no idea what the movie was about, who was in it, if it did well at the box office or anything. I don't think I"ve ever watched a movie like that before, and I really really liked it. I had no preconceptions and was able to just make up my own mind. Part of me can't believe a movie like that made it into main stream Hollywood. It seemed pretty autobiographical of the current industry, just with a different setting and time period. A huge part of my passion in life is to do what Julia Roberts was trying to do in the movie, to teach people to think for themselves, but more in the church. Christians tend to be such sheep, and I mean apart from the He is the shephard we are the sheep thing, I think it's generally bad because we have stopped thinking for ourselves. So I could see a lot of myself in her character and the frustrations she went through.

It was also really weird seeing a movie in a theater by myself. You know you are a loner when you have to go to the movies alone. Cry a sad song.

In other news, I would like to annouce that today is a historic day. Today these words came out of Liene's mouth and were directed to me. And I quote, " I was wrong and you were right". End quote.
I wanted to make sure this day is commemorated and has carries the significance due it. I am right. =) Oh, and how right I am.

Let's talk about marriage, shall we?

I'm definitely feeling like a wild animal looking for it's prey. And I kind of feel like I can do that here in Dallas where I don't know a soul. When I venture out of the house by my self, I am definitely watching guys, not necessarily in the "oh, he's hot I want his number" kind of watching, but more in a "I definitely don't/do want that characteristic in my husband".

Then there's that word. Husband. It sounds so old, can't we come up with a post-modern word for husband. I'd substitute the australian "partner" but come on, everyone knows that makes you sound like a homosexual couple. I got bit by the marriage bug about a year ago, I thought it would have gone away by now, everyone else told me it would go away. It's still here, and seemingly stronger than ever. I don't know if it's simply the power of suggestion, since everyone and their mother has gotten or is getting married this year, or if it truely is God preparing me for the future. I'll assume it's the latter.

I'm excited to get married. And not just for the wedding, and honeymoon, and showers...though I'm sure those will be fantastic...I'm excited to be a wife, and to spend my life with someone. If you would have told me even three years ago that at the rediculously young age of 20 I'd be seriously considering marriage, I would have said "hell no". Actualy, I would have said "heck no" three years ago. I'm backsliding. In the book, "Divine Dance" that I mentioned last week there was a really good chapter on dating and marriage. However, the author mentioned that girls between the ages of 15-20 should not even think they are ready for a marriage relationship. Part of me totally agrees with that. Liene keeps telling me people change the most between 20 and 23 or something like that. However, most people during those years are just starting to live on their own, just coming out of college, just entering the real world. I'm not saying that in the 3 yeras since high school I've experienced everything or that I fully even know who I am. But I can tell you for sure this past year alone has taught me more about my self than the previous 19 years COMBINED.

Can anyone be fully prepared for marriage? I highly doubt it. But I do know that love is a verb ( i don't care what you've heard) and the action is not sex, contrary to popular opinion, but commitment which I feel I could do succesfully. But there will definitely be sex involved as well. So really, the only thing missing is a man. Small problem.
I have more to say about this, but I am already running late for an I shall return later.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Did I write this?
Oh wait, I don't have a little sister.

But seriously, the thing about thinking in movies, and having conversations with people in my head, and winning Oscars for those yet to be made movies are 100% true. And, on occasion, I do shake my head...usually at tragedy. Or whilst watching the interview with Mel Gibson last night, and seeing my Best Friend completely whipped into a non-human form. That made me shake my head.

I have more to say about that interview, and especially about the whole anti-semitism thing, but I think I'll wait until later.

Monday, February 16, 2004

I would just like to say that I am angry at the Daystar christian television network.
They didn't show my church, Hillsong that is, because they did an extra half hour of fundraising. (As if they need it. I guess they could always afford to buy some more hairspray for that guy whose hair never moves.) So instead I turned it to another christian tv station ( i was eatting lunch and really wanting to watch tv while I ate) and watched some other church. It was a baptist church, and the pastor was speaking on spiritual warfare!! Can I get an AMEN! So yeah I listened to him, and he was really good, but man...Why didn't they have hillsong on. Didn't they know that would get them more money than trying to sell some "new" study KJV bible.

The interview with Mel Gibson was surprisingly good.
And my foots asleep.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

how much do I love processing without having to think deeply.
So I first saw this on Kara's page, but I guess she actually stole it from Tara. So my thinking is, I'm going to steal this from kara because then everything that's in Bold I have in common with Kara AND Tara. Does that make sense? Hang it doesn't cause what if I have something in common with kara that she didn't have in common with Tara...oh screw it, here's the damn survey.


1. Copy this whole list into your journal.

2. Bold the things that you have in common with me.

3. Whatever you don't bold, replace with things about you. Take note, ALL 100 are about me, the bold ones I have in common with Tara. You bold what you have in common with me then make up new things about YOU for the rest.

Please add a comment if you do it so that I can come read it!

01. I like Starbucks Caramel Macchiatos. A lot.

02. I think the best sound in the world is people worshipping Jesus.

03. I like to read but I usually just fall asleep or day dream cause my attention span is like this - .

04. I’ve done a lot to change my life for the better...but Jesus has done more.

05. I love green beans.

06. I just gotta find a new job. (can you tell I'm being really creative with these?)

07. I have some regrets, but there's nothing I would change.

08. I really need to get new glasses, my eye sight is rapidly deteriorating.

09. I love to cook, and now that I'm home, I do quite often.

10. I really don't like dogs... that smell. The rest of them are cute.

11. My favorite article of clothing is my blue hoody that I got for $3 from Mesa Thrift 5 years ago.

12. I have never been married.

13. I've never been to Bermuda.

14. My favorite color is pink at the moment...but it changes a lot....sad but true, I'm becomming a girl.

15. I can't believe I have just over a year of college period

16. I enjoy a variety of musical styles.

17. I like to spend a lot of time by myself.

18. I like to just sit around and watch movies or tv on the weekends, but I am usually working instead...or at least pretending I'm working so my mom doesn't yell at me

19. I want to travel (all of) the world.

20. I am SO not a morning person.

21. I am a horrible dancer but I have no problem "dancing" and making a fool of myself.

22. There are not too many foods I refuse to eat, one of them is definitely sardines. blech.

23. I love the smell of coffee.

24. My hair looks damn hot in Texas. It helps that it's extrordinarily BIG.

25. My biggest vice is lack of discipline.

26. I consider myself very intuitive.

27. I can be creative at times.

28. I do not see much of my extended family. ...though that might change if I have to move in with them.

29. I definitely have my times when I'm a bit too anal about things.

30. I love fruit...especially mangoes from australia.

31. I have a massive queen size bed that is too big for the bed room

32. I love baby animals. Like who’s going to say, “Damn, kittens suck!”??? this is only bold cuase it's really funny.

33. I just got a new bed and all-new bedding over the summer, and already I want something different....that's only cause my mom bought stuff for the "guest" room, and it's all white. boring.

34. I admire my friends back in Sydney, that are continuting to live by faith there.

35. I am tolerant of different points of view, but I don’t have to agree.

36. I am not as wealthy as I'd like to be. Who is?

37. I hate Halloween.

38. I don't like to be the center of attention.

39. I absolutely hate to dress up....on a regular basis. It's fun for special occasions.

40. I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me but a good foot taller.

41. I really enjoy thoughtful gifts, even if they cost nothing.

42. I live to make people laugh and smile.

43. I've lived in Arizona for the majority of my life and I can't wait to get back.

44. I love how my fingernails look when they are long, but I have to keep them short for guitar-playing purposes.

45. I have limited patience...with crap drivers.

46. Over the past couple of years I have really grown to love water.

47. I wish I still had my beautiful aussie summer tan.

48. I have never seen an Indiana Jones movie.

49. I obsess when my computer isn't working right.

50. I love road trips.

51. I like silence at times.

52. I am a Christian and totally committed to it and God, although I am NOT perfect. I still mess up.

53. I haven't had a diet coke for over 2 months.

54. I rarely procrastinate.

55. I wish I knew more about make up, and like wearing it well. My friend krysty rocks with make up and she always looks fun. Not over done, but just good.

56. I don't care about name brands for most things like food and medicine and shampoo.

57. Someday I want to have long curly hair. Just to know I could pull it off....oh wait.

58. I become overwhelmed easily.

59. I am not a member of the mile high club....yet

60. I always know the location of my keys and purse.

61. I love the rain.

62. I always strive to do what's right, but it doesn't always happen that way.

63. I overreact about things sometimes.

64. I try to surround myself with really great people.

65. I have not tried a martini

66. I like to people watch.

67. I like easy going people.

68. I’m not comfortable in really warm climates. I am miserable in the heat...but at least I know how to deal with it. As opposed to this snow and crap.

69. I love peanut butter M&M's.

70. I like fun socks.

71. I hardly wear make-up....comparitively speaking.

72. I love the smell of clean clothes in the dryer.

73. I love my online friends....but I hate calling them that.

74. I have learned to say no....but I think I could say it more.

75. I am SO thankful that God controls my future and he is faithfully leading me into it.

76. I prefer pens over pencils. Black ink only.

77. I always have to have chapstick somewhere accessible to me. I freak out if my lips don't feel nice and lubricated.

78. My bra and panties are never a matched set....who's going to see them!

79. My maternal instincts have definitely kicked in...I want babies.

80. I love my family. They're crazy sometimes, but I love them.

81. I own my own's called a "hot wheels".

82. My boobs are there are too many smart ass comments to put here. Just insert your own.

83. I love the smell of freshly showered guys.

84. I am allergic to psycho cats.

85. I love to fly.

86. I daydream sometimes.

87. I think I'm kind of depressed right now, either that or in some kind of weird culture shock, either that or I'm going insane.

88. I'm a really big fan of chick flicks.

89. I do NOT like spiders in australia.

90. I think I'm a pretty laid back person most of the time.

91. I am easily amused.

92. I'm ready for this list thing to be over.

93. I think it is ridiculous that all these celebrities nowadays have more money than they know what to do with, yet there are people everywhere who are poor and suffering and don't even have enough spare change to get some food....AMEN!

94. I have many acquaintances, but only a few I consider real friends.

95. I don't have many secrets from my friends.

96. I always appreciate honesty, even if the truth sometimes hurts.

97. I love to help people.

98. I miss Sydney.

99. I like to buy things for people just because...but I don't always.

100. I'm glad this is done!

Saturday, February 14, 2004

So here's a thought.

Jesus died, so that HE could live with US forever. He loved us that much.

I think I heard it put that way, in those specific words for the first time tonight. I went to a saturday service at a church called Hillcrest...unfortunately no relation to Hillsong...though it was similar in some ways.

But yeah, funny how we always put such an "us" spin on things and think "Jesus died for US. To save US from our sins, so WE could live forever with Him." But if he wouldn't have died, he would have been separated from us because of our sin, so maybe he died because of his amazing love that could stand to live without us.
I don't know man, that just blows my mind.

So you know what else blows my easily I forget. I think I might revert back to Jewish customs and start physically wearing scripture on my so I don't forget.
It's like I came home, and dumped my faith at the door step. I've been relying on MY qualities, MY experiences, MY intellegence to find me a job. I've been relying on MY parents money to feed, house, and clothe me.
The pastor at the church preached out of Joshua tonight. I didn't actually hear a lot of what he said cause I was distracted by the people talking behind me, the people talking in front of me, and his nasaly voice and mild lisp. But one point I did catch was about Israel crossing the Jordan. They were crossing it at a time of the year when it was too late for them to plant crops, it was nearly harvest, so God had to set up a way for them to survive because once they crossed, his manah and supernatural "just enough" provision would disappear. And even though they would be walking into a land of blessing, flowing with milk and honey, they were going to have to work their asses off for it. So what does God do? He gives them the possesions of an enemy. He took the possesions of the wicked and gave them to his people. Their houses were built, their banks were full, their crops were ripe for harvest, and God gave it to his people to give them a jump start in their new home.
I think that is damn cool. And I think I've forgotten, since I haven't had to rely on God for my next meal, that my provision comes from him. I hate how quickly I've forgotten, but I LOVE that I have been reminded, cause things are going to be different from now on. I just needed my perspective changed...I needed to get my eyes off myself.
I also forgot who I am in Christ. I am His creation. He calls me beloved and friend. I've been feeding myself a lot of crap, so here's the deal. I'm going to need serious help with this. I am fasting from commercial tv this week. From sunday to sunday. I'm saying "commercial tv" cause I still want to watch hillsong tv, and i found out that my mom bought "Bend it like Beckham" and I really want to watch that this week, but pretty much everything else is off limits. I'm gonna need hard core accountability with this, cause if you don't know, I'm slightly addicted to television. So that's the plan, I need to spend at least a week being refilled with the Holy Spirit, being in His presence, and getting the mind of Christ back into my head.
Ok well I'm out...oh yeah it's been snowing all day. That is too weird. I can't get over it.

Friday, February 13, 2004

well the valentines rant has been post poned indefinitely. I just don't have the time. Or the will power. Plus it's too cold to type, or think, or move. I think I'm kind of in a mild depression right now. I was just thinking about the past 3 weeks of my life...well it feels like a lifetime in and of itself. I think it's finally all caught up to me. You can only run so long. So instead of desperately searching for a job today I "took the day off'. I did some stuff around the house for mom, but mostly I read, and sang, and wrote, and played, and went to Half Price Books. Oh, that store is a money hole.

Yesterday I went to 75% Off Books (yeah, how's that for marketing) and ran across a book that Jack had quoted in her blog. It was only like $2.25 or something rediculous (75% off!) so I bought it. It's called "The Divine Dance", and it's really good. What I didn't realize is that it's written for high schoolers, but a lot of the stuff is still right on, and I could definitely see the author writing a more "mature" version or something. But um, the last line in this paragraph really hit home to me for some reason, and i thought I'd put it up here.

"But as David's life went on, he eventually stopped dancing for God and started dancing for his own pleasure. His mistakes led to deadly consequences, as they do for all of God's children. If God has called you to dance for Him, He will never let you get away with dancing for another."

Ah, the truth. Powerful stuff.

Um, so I wrote a song on the piano yesterday. As I told liene...I was impressed with myself. I've never written a song on the piano before. And it's pretty good too. Granted the reason I sat at the piano was to try and replicate a song Norah Jones had just played on the Today show...well I wasn't really trying to replicate it, cause I know that's of no I guess in a sense it's kind of a rip off, but it definitely morphed into it's own. And while I'm at it, is there a such thing as a song that's NOT a rip off?

Laundry's done. I'm out. Damn I'd make a good wife.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Stand by for a completely unbitter, anti-valentines rampage, I mean, err...essay.
And that's not sarcasm fyi. I really am not bitter. But I really have become anti-valentines.
oooo, I bet you can't wait.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

First off...props to my boiiiiiiiis in Outkast for takin home Album of the Year. Seriously, I wouldn't say they stand on the highest moral ground (Jesus, draw them to salvation) but their music is kickin. If it wasn't for "Hey Ya" my summer in Sydney would have been boring.

Second, I want to say I'm dong a lot better right now. You can't imagine the difference an evening with God can make, or the power of praying friends. (Has Stormie written that one yet? Maybe I can beat her to it. Maybe it can be a collaboration with all my friends out there who know first hand the power of praying friends.) Speaking of which, pray for healing for my friend Rose regarding a heart murmur. It's a long story, but that's all that really matters.
God spoke to me a lot tonight. Possibly too much, although technically that's not possible since He never gives us more than we can bear. One specific thing He said I feel compelled to chronical in here. (wow bustin out the vocab.)

If you don't know me, I'm a very competitive person. VERY competitive. So much so that I think it's become somewhat of a strong hold in my life that keeps me from doing things if I know I can't do it better than anyone else. I think this has a lot to do with how I was raised and pressures that I felt were put on me to be the best, even at a pretty early age. I've always wanted my parents to be pleased with me, so I always worked hard (up until high school that is) in school to get good grades. I played sports cause I was athletic like my dad and wanted to make him proud. Too bad not one of my teams ever had a winning record. Basically, for me, the fun was sucked out of everything because I always had to perform. Even when I was in choir, though I did love being involved, a lot of it had to do with "Can I be the best singer, in the best choir at my school?" (the answer to that is, "No".) I've known all this stuff about me. I'm a thinker (gasp!) and over the years through my thinking, God has used it to reveale a lot of whom I am in the flesh and who he has created me to be. Well tonight He showed me how this competitiveness and compulsion to not do anything unless I can be the best at it, is totally holding me back.
I don't write, because people can write better than me, with more original thoughts, and more creative ideas. I don't sing because I have yet to fully develop my gift. I don't play guitar because most of my friends are better than me. I feel stupid because there are people that are younger than me that have more "formal" college under their belts than I do. I don't write music because my melodies sound like every one elses. I don't debate, because someone else will always have a more educated answer. I've quit trying, because I know there will always be someone better.
But here's the thing! (This is really cool, just you wait Henry Higgins, just you wait)
God doesn't judge me against other people's accomplishments! God doesn't measure my achievements against anything else but 1) What He's told me to do and 2) What He's given me to do it with.
I don't think you realize the freedom that lies in that concept. I don't think you can unless you have the same competitive tendancies as I do. And if you do, I really hope you can meditate on this and find freedom for yourself.
But do you know what this means?
This means I can write! From my heart! And I can do it well, with excellence, but I don't have to worry about if someone else has maybe said the same thing with more eloquence. I can sing and play and make music for the glory of God and if it's G C D, it' doesn't matter! However if it sounds like, "Praise Him, praise, Praise Him, praise Him cause He's Holy and worthy" then it matters. "I said now fellas" (yeeeeeah?) "What's hotter than being hot?" (Fire and brimstone!) "I said what's hotter than being hot!" (Fire and brimstone!)
See and I can make stupid "Hey Ya" parodies and not really care. I can think about, and question, and debate the great questions of theology and the universe without feeling incompitent, because I"m not! And because I can search the scriptures and the truth IS revealed to me. And I can study and grow and show myself approved. I can be free from the cloud of criticism that I can sometimes almost feel hovering over any attempt at creativity. I can create from my heart and sould things that are pleasing to God, and be judged only by him who gave me the ideas in the first place. Sounds like a win - win situation to me.

And right now I believe it's time for me to do an interpretive dance all the way to my bed. Hallelujah.

(yeah I know quoting a song by Nickleback. lame. It just seems appropriate.)

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
and tried to turn the tables?

I wish you'd unclench your fists
and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this,
but don't think it's too late

Nothin's wrong just as long as you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright,
but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright,
but not right now
I know you're wondering when

And I hope that since we're here anyway,
we can end it, saying
Things we've always needed to say,
so we can end up staying

Now the story's played out like this
just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothin's wrong just as long as you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright,
but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright,
but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
and tried to turn the tables?

I wish you'd unclench your fists
and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this,
but don't think it's too late

Nothin's wrong just as long as you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright,
but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow I'm gonna make it alright,
but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)

I know you're wondering when

Saturday, February 07, 2004

I am not: sarcastic...ever.

I hurt: so much I wish I could vomit and feel better like when you have the flu.

I love: that this shit can't keep being thrown at me forever...right?

I hate: TEXAS!

I fear: I'm giving the enemy a foot hold and not doing a lot about it.

I hope: that God will continue to be faithful, despite my current frame of mind and bless me with an awesome job so I can leave this place.

I hear: Him calling me back.

I crave: understanding

I regret: not trying harder to stay in Sydney

I cry: when all the shit gets to be too much...can't really improve on that.

I care: ...not enough.

I always: feel like I should be doing more with my life than what I am at this point.

I long to: return to normalcy

I feel alone: right now.

I listen: to hip hop...and I like it.

I hide: how I really feel...and then it allllllll hits the fan.

I drive: myself to the point of insanity...or at least I seriously think I could if it wasn't for the Holy Spirit.

I scream: like an emo kid..but only on the inside.

I dance: when no one's looking, and let me tell you, I can shake my ass.

I write: because words give me an outlet to express the chaos in my head.

I breathe: by the grace of God.

I play: mindsweeper. And yes, it is called minDsweeper. Just look at mine...(pun fully intended)

I miss: Hillsong and Sydney.

I search: for a man damn it.

I learn: everyday, that I am not who I thought I was.

I feel: like quitting.

I know: I can't quit.

I say: I'm ok, but I'm mostly lying.

I succeed: by the grace of God...lots of grace happening tonight.

I fail: when I try to write with eloquence.

I dream: of getting married, making babies (and raising them), changing Mesa and TBC, and leaving Texas.

I sleep: like a baby...a flailing baby.

I wonder: why I love australia so much if I'm not meant to live there.

I want: for people to fucking make sense again.

I worry: that I'll accidently swear in front of my family.

I have: the most amazing friends in the world.

I give: my life for the Kingdom.

I fight: the battle of the bulge.

I wait: for sex.

I am: beloved.


(stolen from Kara thanks mate.)

Monday, February 02, 2004

oh hi there. I'm in America. I'm in Arizona. I'm at liene's house on her computer.
Life is weird I tell ya what.
Life is so weird that I spent 2 nights with one of my best friends and didn't cry when I drove away cause I'm in America now, and surely that means I'll see her soon.
I went to my church on sunday. Despite the lacking music, and the somewhat unchallenging sermon I didn't miss Hillsong. I was home. One person who I was slightly nervous about seeing, who I had had bad dreams about seeing, and who happened to be leading worship said, "If I would have known you were going to be here I'dhave you play with us." That was really good. I mean I know it sounds lame that I was nervous cause of a dream, but God speaks to me through dreams.
Last night I watched the (shocking) Super Bowl with a bunch of friends and it was almost as if I'd never left. I love these people so much. Tonight I went to coffee with friends, band practice (some things never change), and popped in and out of youth group (see previous sarcastic comment in parentheses). Tomorrow I'm meeting with my worship pastor, and hanging with the fam.

In other exciting news my friend got published at today. Check out this link and the article. It's really good, and she's pretty damn excited. Leave her lots of comments. She'll like that. Damn good article
Well I'm off to bed. I totally haven't gotten over the lag cause liene and I have been staying up way too late talking about how sad it is that we're not married and everyone else is. It's a hard knock life. Night.