Wednesday, March 31, 2004

What the hell happened to Sara Groves! Since when did she become an over produced radio pop princess?????
This new cd is definitely going to take some getting used to.

However the fact that I got it for $1 makes it ok right now. But Is this what krys thought when she first heard "The Way I Am"? Right now I"m just kinda shocked and scared. I want my "Conversations" sara back. I'll keep listening though, and trying to like it. The lyrics alone will bring me back. I"m sure in a week I'll be telling you all to go buy the cd right now.

So speaking of krys, she got to go to the last date on the USA united tour last night. sigh. I made her tell me all about it. In a way it was like...what's it called when people "cut" them selves? Self destruction? No, but something like that.

Seriously God, isn't it time for the understanding to kick in? Isn't it time for the big lightbulb in the sky to turn on? It's April 1st in australia God. And in 3 and a half hours it will be April 1st in my part of america. My heart hurts God. I can feel it in my chest. It's heavy, and it just sits there. I feel it with every breath and in every sigh. And I'm tired of this lesson, and I'm tired of this rollercoaster, and I'm tired of living in the inbetween. I'm sick of looking at my half unpacked suitcase. I"m ready for freedom, however that happens. Give me a distraction, give me April 2nd, quit bringing this up and let me move on or DO SOMETHING. And is it possible that I could go one night without dreaming so vividly about things that might have been. Why do I remember the things I want to forget, and the things I should remember run away too fast for me to catch? What I do I don't want to do and so goes the story. Actually I feel like I could use a little more right now. Man, how selfish is that. It's only by your grace that you haven't sent lighting through my ceiling or paralyzed my hands from typing anymore of this crap. And there's the real grace. You sit there and take my crap, listen to me whine, and keep on loving me. I love you too...but right now it's kind of in the way like when your mom makes you say it to your great aunt gladys.

So the retreat was good. Different but good. I learned that it's not about me. God is sovereign enough to use me inspite of myself. I could go into that but i don't feel like it. However, do not despair, there are many other random things I do feel like talking about.

First a story.

So today I'm just chilling here at the desk, doing nothing, and a lady walks in and asks me if I spoke spanish. So it took me about 30 seconds to figure out what the hell was going on cause...well your brain doesn't work fast when you've been doing nothing for 2 weeks. So I was like...ummmm no. THEN she proceeds to ask me what she was going to ask me (I assume) in spanish, in PERFECT english!!!!!! As some of you may know, it has been a pet peeve of mine for some time how we have catered to the spanish speaking community in America rather than encouraging them to learn OUR language. Now I have a fear that someone who doesn't normally read this blog is going to stumble upon this post, call me a racist, report me to the media and my life as I now know it is over. Don't get your panties in a wad. I'm not racist, I took spanish in high school, I have a lot of hispanic friends who speak spanish (AND english), and mexican food is on the top of my list. But I will admit that for all the arguements I've heard regarding english vs. spanish in America I DO NOT understand why we continue to move more towards creating a second official language in this country. Yes, Canada has two, but Candada was founded by french speaking people and english speaking people. I must say, I shock myself with how incredibly ethnocentric (the only thing I remember from Am. Gov't) I continue to be on this issue....Ok AS I am writing this a lady just walked in..another one..trying to ask me something in what must have been "Spanglish". I understood half of it anyway. If someone wants to try to tell me I'm wrong I'd appreciate it, cause I kind of want to be wrong, but honestly it doesn't make sense to me.

Anyway, on to other less divisive things

I'd like to talk about people with multiple blogs. "Who cares?", you may ask. "There are children dying from AIDS in Africa, there is war all over the Middle East, John Kerry has a higher poll rating than Bush and you want to talk about multiple bogs!?", you may say. And I would answer, "I don't care who cares, and yes I do."
It seems to me there is a trend. People start blogging then realize there might be things they don't want certain people to read so they start a new "secret" blog and don't tell anyone about it, or maybe just a few close friends. Or someone will want to start a blog dedicated to one certain topic. For example, one of my friends start a blog about her dreams and what she thought they meant. Ok. As many of you know I myself have more than one blog...though technically the other isn't a "blog" persay, and I really haven't written in it for ages, mostly cause I'm lazy and I like the blog layout better. But here's my point (yes, there is one). And if you think I'm taking this thought to a ridiculous extreme, I am, but just think about it. I believe this trend of having multiple blogs is a result of the incredibly seperated and compartmentalized society we have created and currently live in. I could give multiple examples of this in our day to day lives, but I'll let you think about it instead. Shouldn't take too long. This is part of the reason why I don't write in d-x anymore. That and I can't keep up with two forums. I was just tired of having "secret" things in one place and "public" things in another. Or whatever. Now I'm not saying that we all need to be spilling our deepest darkest secrets to everyone. Obviously I do not share all of mine here, though I do strive to be as open and honest as possible. I guess I just feel like people will get a slanted view if you only write about one aspect of your life in one place and a totally different part somewhere else. I'm all about being a whole person, and hopefully that philosophy spills over into the discussions held here.

With that said, I may be about to contradict myself.

Today is March 31st, but if you're in Australia it's April 1st, a rather significant date for me personally. The details of which shall remain in my head. It wasn't until earlier this morning that I realized today should be commemorated rather than tomorrow. I hate the international dateline. Is there anyway to get rid of it?

I think that's about it for now...I think that's about all I can handle. Adios. =)

Friday, March 26, 2004

Where have all the posts goooooone? Doese anyone else remember that song "Where have all the cowboys gone?" By that chick that didn't shave her pits. I remember seeing her on Rosie and was like, DUDE shave your pits if you're gonna go sleeveless!

This is gonna be a real random blog cause I just have a million random things floating around and once they are out I think sanity might return.

So I've been thinking about phone numbers a lot recently. More specifically how we write phone numbers. See in the olden days when I was growing up, you always wrote phone numbers like this (123) 456-7890. That's just how you did it, so that's what has been ingrained in my head. But now, there are all these NEW ways of writing phone numbers, and frankly I can't keep up. Here are a few examples of phone numbers I've seen recently:
123.456.7890 (how very european, and we all know the european are heathen, ungodly people) (THAT"S AJOKE! see the website referenced in yesterdays post)
123-456-7890 (what happened to the () how will I know it's an area code without the ()?)
1234567890 (now what the heck is that, but i'm not joking, that is how I've seen phone numbers people!)
123/456-7890 (ummm huh? is that a 7 with out the hat? or a itallic 1? CONFUSION!

And last but not least here in the Dallas metro area there are 2 main area codes for landline numbers 972 in suburbs and 214 in Dallas proper. So I've discovered that people like to write these area codes in some sort of "shorthand" because "everyone" knows the codes. so, for example if a number is written 2/ 123-4567 it's the 214 area code, and if it's 9/123-4567 it's the 972. Now for some reason I am not opposed to this, as long as the short hand is being communicated to someone who is not from the area. (yeah it took me a couple seconds to catch on to that one). It's time effecient and much easier when you're on a call and getting a number from someone.

All I'm saying people is think seriously about how you choose to write your phone numbers. Make it clear, concise, and if you have some weird short hand, make sure people know what you're talking about. I mean this really could be disastrous. What happens if you give Mr. Right your digits, but he's confused about how it's written out so he doesn't even bother to call. This is not a matter to be taken lightly.

Now onto lighter things.
Pregnancy and motherhood.

No I'm serious. Well maybe it's not "lighter". Anyway...
I've been reading a book this week called "Standing on the Promises" by Susan Wales. It's ok, pretty light weight compared to my last read. But good stuff nonetheless. Basically each chapter is a different "storm" people face in life (Singleness, marriage, infertility, lack of finances, sudden death/tragedy, etc.) and she gives lots of stories (I love stories) and "Promises" to stand on from Scripture. One of the chapters I read yesterday (at work...where I am now) was titled "Empty Arms, Empty Crib" and was obviously about infertility and the struggles couples go through to concieve or adopt a baby. Now, I realize I am young, single, with no prospects in sight, and really no desire to have kids for quite a few years but I firmly believe in preparing and being educated for the future. The more you can do NOW, and the more you can figure out how you would like to handle things then NOW, the better off you'll be i reckon. Ok, well, I need to clarify...yes, i AM a planner, BUT I also realize that you can't really plan out your life. You can to the best of your ability but as an intelligent person once said, "Shit happens" and the the plan changes. So I'm not saying that I have all this stuff set in stone for the future, but I just like to think about it and different scenarios. Back to the point.
There were all these stories about couples who couldn't have kids. Some eventually, miraculously concieved, some adopted, and some had their hearts desire flipped around by God and were able to use their time raising "spiritual kids", being involved with the youth group and kids who didn't have parents involved with their lives.
I recently had a conversation with Liene kinda on the same topic. More just about how women take for granted that they will be able to have biological kids. That's something I've always wondered about myself. Like will I physically be able to have kids. There were a good many years when I didn't even want to have my own children...but that was when I was 12 so I'm kind of glad I didn't...but honestly, even all through high school and stuff I just always really wanted to adopt. That's changed a bit, and I guess if I can have kids, and if my husband is ok with it I will. But after reading about the couple who was so involved with the youth at their church, and another couple who were able to actually be GOOD foster parents (a constantly heartbreaking thing, so I'm not sure I could handle that) I was thinking that I'd actually be ok if I couldn't have biological kids. Of course saying all of this from a totally single position in which there is no man and no love and no desire have our "own" involved. I actually found myself thinking, about all the extra time I would have if I DIDN'T have my own kids that I would be able to invest into unloved kids. The one lady that was a youth pastor wife said she had dressed more girls for prom and been to more high school ball games than if she'd had her own.
I don't know, I mean I haven't come to any real conclusions and obviously I can't cause it's just ME, but I think it's just really good to read stories like this and seriously think about the possibility of not being able to have kids, or even wanting to, and all the other options involved. It's all part of living life to the fullest you know?

Here's another thing I've been thinking about. (sorry for the monster's been a while) I really want to be in a band. That sounds so lame. "I wanna be a ROCK star". Not really. What I really want is friends that are musicians, that live near me, that are my age (as opposed to like the worship team at my dad's church), that are creative and decently good at what they play that I can play with, jam with, create with, bounce things off of. I'm feeling it ...(not like Blink) but just wanting to create music with other people. I love being involved with worship and stuff when I can, but honestly, there's not much creativity or originality involved. E A C#m B, thought a favorite of mine, gets dull. Especially when there is NO dynamic, NO sensativity to tempo. etc. boring. Apparently, my dad said the youth pastor at church wants to talk with me about leading for youth stuff, which I would LOOOOOOVE to do, and apparently there is a guy that just joined the church who spent a couple years with YWAM in NZ who is in a band and wants to get involved with playing for youth stuff, so there are some opportunities comming up...on the other had I'd just like to get back to AZ where I KNOW there are opportunities.

Well I think that's about it for now. I've actually got a few things I can do around here. Shocking but true. So peace I'm out for the weekend. I'll be back on Sunday to share all about a weekend spent with women 20 years my senior. Can't wait.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

oh yeah, and if you have some spare time, you should check out this site. It's so ridiculous. But you aren't allowed to read it when you're mad or have a headache. And you have to not let it make you mad, and just laugh that these people are actually seriously about this stuff.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

wow. I don't even know where to begin. It feels like it's been AGES since I've blogged. And in "normal" Melanie time it has been. The thing is that they have actually been keeping me decently busy here the past few days, and when I haven't been busy it's because the "boss" has been on my comp. At the moment there is no work and no boss. The other excuse for my lack of blog is that by the end of the day here my eyes are literally red and blod shot from being in flourescent lighting and looking at a computer screen for 8 hours and the last thing I want to do when I get home is jump back on the computer. But seriously i have had blogs running through my head for days people. Finally last night I got a chance to start writing things out in my paper journal, I kept going today at lunch as well. It has seriously been ages since I have used my journal as a "journal". I think one reason is that the journal I have right now is not my optimal journal size preference so I use it for writing, and sermons, and lots of good things, but not journaling too much. Except now I am. And I've actually found that there are some benefits to smaller pages. And the fact that my journal fits in my purse, so I can take it anywhere which is cool.
Yesterday I actually had a blog started about the evils of credit and credit card companies, but got "interrupted" by work. And actually a lot of the blogs that have been running through my head have seemed to fade into insignificance, which I'm actually really glad about. I think I use this forum to whinge too much and I'm gonna start to try and change that cause seriously if people read this they don't want to hear about crap that's going on in someone's can turn the news on to do that. And honestly I think I tend to focus on the crap a bit too much. I mean I know that I need to process stuff cause if I don't I'll start to twitch, but I think I need to start looking at life differently. I really shouldn't be allowed to complain about anything. Including that man in a blue truck who was incredibly rude and wouldn't let me over on the on ramp to the freeway this morning. But I have forgiven him. Obviously. =) So here's the deal people, I'm gonna start trying to keep this a bit more "up", and send the crap to the paper. not that I'm feeling like I need to hide stuff or not be real but, you know what I"m saying yeah?

Wow I thought I had totally lost that post. Not so my friend.
Well the truth is I really have no desire to blog right now, so um I'm not gonna. I'm really tired and the day's just starting. But in keeping with the above new blog requirements, the good news is tomorrow is FRIDAY!

mas later people.

Friday, March 19, 2004

so check it out, I'm getting paid to blog again. sweeeet.
Ok so you know how everytime I read a book I get on here and say it's the BEST book ever and you HAVE to read it. Well, I think I'm about to do that but this book comes recommended with conditions.

I just finished reading C.S. Lewis' "The Problem of Pain" (like literally just finished reading it). This is probably the best book I have read in the past 6 months, but also the book that I have understood the least on the first read through. I have heard it said by more than one person that Lewis was a great communicator because he was able to discuss complicated issues in lay man's terms. I guess maybe if you were a lay man living in England in 1954, but honestly a lot of his vocab will go right over my head, espeically when he starts busting the foreign languages. So if you're looking for an easy read, this is definitely not it. Not by a long shot. It's taken me a good 3 weeks to get through this 162 page book. Partly because I've been reading two additional books simultaneously, but I started reading those books because I needed a seriously brake from the weight of "Pain".
The book tackles one of those questions that is asked in every age, by people of every social and spiritual background, and with the usual Lewis style, the question is not answered but discussed with many outcomes and possible conclusions.
The question being, "Why do bad things happen to good people?", or "Why do bad things happen period?"
The thing that I love love love about Lewis is that he always breaks down an issue or topic logically and almost scientifically though I doubt he would agree with that. I guess I mean scientifically as the way one goes about doing scietific research or building a hypothesis...step by step. He is always completely practical but without ever losing sight of faith in the Supernatural.
Whether you are currently going through a painful situation, have faced painful situations, or are waiting for one in the future (because we'll all have them) I would HIGHLY recommend this book. The conditions of which being don't read this book if you don't want to: think, have your belief system challenged, be responsible for the knowledge you will have gained through it, have to bust out Oxford's dictionary. Seriously though it's not a light book, but it is definitely one worth plodding through. And as always if you have read it, or are going to read it, or are currently reading it I'm always up for discussion. Especially regarding the chapter on "Animal Pain" cause I'd like to think that my dog will be in heaven. And if that isn't intriguing enough this one is definitely going into my non-exsistant Book of Quotes, "When we want to be something other than the thing God wants us to be, we must be wanting what, infact, will not make us happy."

Peace out and happy reading.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Hey look everyone! Down there! sally left me a comment. You should too. I like comments. I also like it when people sign my guestbook. Yes, yes I do need some loving.

Here's an idea (and proof that I really am blonde at my roots).
Maaaaaaaaybe God has me in TX to teach me to LET GO. To really sand down and mellow out my control freak tendancies. Maaaaaaaaaybe God knows what He's doing. Maaaaaaaaaaybe God's trying to teach me how to be a better follower, to submit to others, but also to reinforce that I truely am a leader.
Right now I am known around my dad's church as "the guitar player". I love playing dont get me wrong. And I love just being back up in front and being a lead worshipper and all that jazz. But...I seriously don't know how musicians do it! When I get back to Mesa, the first thing I'm going to do is get together all the musicians I've worked with over the years and thank them non-stop for the role they played. Seriously I'm not cut out for this. You get no say! That's something else I'm going to change when I get back to Mesa. Assuming there will be a spot for me to lead worship on occasion, I'm definitely going to make sure the other people know they can have a say. Seriously! Speak up! Let's be a band and figure this out together. I will also remember to NEVER, EVER make guitarists play hymns. At least not hymns that are arranged traditionally with 50 bajillion chord changes per measure.
Ok so I'm playing for the women's retreat in a couple weeks, which I'm really stoked about and really excited to be in volved with. But tonight the lady in charge gave me a folder of music, and I was looking through it, and I'm like...I hope she doesn't really intend on USING all these. There are seroiusly like 20 songs in there for 4 sessions on a weekend! What the... That's like 5 unique songs per session. (look at me, bustin the math skillz dawg) Seriously though! If IIIIIIIII were in charge I would say 10 songs max for the entire weekend. Retreats are GREAT for introducing new songs and singing them every session. Ok not like all new songs but definitely one or two that can really coincide will with the theme of the weekend. I'm working with amatures people. But that's ok. It's good. I mean really there shouldn't be any "professionals" in the kingdom. That's a revelation I had yesterday that I totally just contradicted in my frustration. What's even more frustrating is that I've forgotten about my chai, so now it's gonna be super strong and cold. Brilliant.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

ok I got the pictures done. They are all here. The member name that you need to put in the box on the left side of the home page is "sydneymel". Have fun. I think there are about 15 all up.

Boys Don't Cry

You sit there on the couch
Sipping your scotch and ice
You turn the TV on
And tune me out again

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me
You could ask anything
I wouldn't lie
But you're okay with this
Damaging awkwardness
So I'll just play it safe
And keep it inside
'Cause boys don't cry

I used to hold your hand
So tight there was no question
But now even when you're near
I've never felt so alone

If you just stand beside me
I'll keep you in my life
Tell me how much you love me
And I'll be just fine
Don't be afraid of me

This song just seems appropriate on so many levels right now. I was listening to it today and was just like wow, if I was a brilliant as Tiffany Arbuckle I could write this song right now. Also Rita Springer's song "No Eye Has Ever Seen" from the Effortless cd has been really influencial right now. Unfortunately I can't find the lyrics for it and the cd is in my car and I can't be bothered to go out there and get it. And of course right now I'm listening to Jennifer Knapp. And earlier it was Delerious. I've been really restless with my music lately. A couple weeks ago I was only listening to like two cds repeatedly and now I can't listen to the same thing twice. And poor Sara Groves who was in a regular rotation has been kicked to the curb for quite sometime. She'll come back soon though. She's got a new cd coming out. I'd really like that if anyone wants to buy it for me. ha. I don't know why I said that. This has become like diarreah of the mouth. Which I find very theraputic at times. I could a couple rolls of film that I devleoped back today. I was afraid to look at them because I've been doing so well the past couple days I was afraid it'd send me back to wherever the hell I just came from. But instead I just laughed a lot. I think mostly at Brianna cause she was in lots of pictures and I talked to her last night and seriously had to stop her from telling me about how great sex is. I'm sure it is, I just don't want to hear about it from her. Actually not that I don't want to hear about it, it's the mentals ya know. It's like I know these people and I just don't want to think about it. Anyway, I'm about to do some hard core scanning of the pictures and hopefully create another free thing at picturetrail since my old one just lapsed. So when that happens I'll put a link up in here.

Monday, March 15, 2004

You know what really annoys me? The world's view of sex. I know that must come as a shock. But seriously. I was watching this show tonight, a show I usually enjoy and agree with and actually tonight it could have been a lot worse. Out of three couples that were contemplating sex, none of them went through with it, and rightly so. But a couple things that really annoyed me were:
1. A negative view of virginity
2. A casual view of sex

Now right now you're probably thinking, "Mel where have you been the past 30 years?". Well I'm only 20 so for 10 of those years I was non-existant and for the other 20 I've just been hanging around. I know casual sex and the stigma acompanying virginity are not new things...but I don't know I guess I've been sheltering myself recently and tonight it was like, oh yeah...crazy people think like that. And it bothers me cause there's already one generation that considers that way of thinking "normal" and now it looks like there's going to be another. Again, probably not a super deep thought. I'm sorry, I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here.
So in the show one of the girls is like "You don't want to end up like so and so's sister. She's 29 and still a virigin" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW IS SHE LIVING!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure there are worse things. She could stay home every night. Wait around for Mr. Right. Oh wait, that's Rizzo. No but seriously, she could be 29 and riddle with std's or 29 with 4 kids and not married or 29 with no kids, no std's but emotionally wrecked for life.
Now, I do have to give the show props cause it wasn't just like these people were bed hopping. They were having real and serious dialouge about sex, and treating with at least some of the respect it deserves. But not once was the bonds of marriage mentioned. One girl said something like, "Sex is complicated, I don't know why. BUt I like to talk about it before doing it, not during" Gee, I don't know why sex might be complicated when you're trying to figure out who to sleep with and who to not sleep with.

This all seems a bit elementry to me, probably because it is. But it really annoyed me and I wanted to talk about it ok. Geez, get off my back.

Hallelujah it's baseball season!!!!
Today I caught my first spring training game on ESPN2 and it was glorious. I have been waiting for this day for a long time. Seriously do you know how long it's been since I've seen a baseball game. I just hope I can get back to AZ before the season is over, because the Rangers suck and they are American League which honestly, I don't understand so much. The whole pitchers not batting thing, it's just lame. I mean once you've seen Randy Johnson at bat I'm sure you would vote that all pictchers should bat for comedy reasons alone. Anyway, it's just good to be in a country where the sport that involves a bat and a ball is actually interesting and fun to watch.
This morning i watched a monolouge by Julia Sweeny (the lady that played "Pat" on SNL in the 90's) it was all about this year in her life where her brother got cancer and died, she got cancer and had a historectomy, and her parents moved into her house for 9 months. It was really good but once again brought up the question of how do people go through life with out God. Puredeadcrazy I say.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

"Mel...find your faith. Get your childlike faith back. It comes by hearing, and hearing by my Word. You don't need anything else right now. Not a car, not a job, not money, friends, marriage...just get your faith back. It's all you need."

Monday, March 08, 2004

there's a lot to be said.

I want to start off by highly recommending this article on Relevant. It is more than relevant to my life right now. Pun seriously not intended. While I'm at it I'm going to recommend this article and its partner.

I'd like to talk about that second pair of articles. If you're too lazy to read them yourself (which really, you should) I'll sum them up by saying they're about a very brave woman who called off her wedding in the very late stages of planning. As I was reading I was surprised by my reaction. If you asked me in conversation if I would ever consider canceling or postponing my wedding because of "hesitations" I would be very confident and come up with some rediculous answer like, "If for some reason I had some serious questions about the person or the relationship I wouldn't be afraid to even stop it at the altar." After reading this persons' story, however, I'd say that's pretty much a lie, because as I was reading I was thinking, "I would never do that at that stage in the game". I would justify my hesitations as nerves or "cold feet". I would tell myself that the person I was about to marry truely loved me, and I loved him, and even if I wasn't sure I loved him I'd learn to love him as so many people in other cultures who've had arranged marriages had learned to do. And honestly, after a few days of processing I still dont know that I've convinced myself that I would do the right thing and call it off. However, I pray to GOD that I will never have to be in that situation.
This leads me to another related point of discussion. Specifically that of having doubts, or "red flags" come up when considering a potential mate. A friend and I were talking about this the other week, and she brought up the point (and I agreed) that it's good for concerns to be raised when conducting that very important "search". If there are no such areas of concern then something has got to be wrong. Your standards are too low, you're lying to yourself about the true character of the person, or they are lying to you about their true character. I'm sure there are other options but those are the biggies I'd say. I really don't believe there is a such thing as a "soul mate" or "the perfect match". It just isn't possible when you're dealing with fallen humans. I definitely believe there is a "right mate" or "the very nearly perfect match" but to talk yourself into believing "happily ever after" is only to decieve yourself or to wait for heaven.

wow, I had no intentions of going there. But I have. And now my brain is sufficiently empty, so I'll go back to my reading. Chances are I'll be back here before I have to leave "work".

Saturday, March 06, 2004

If you were anything like me when I was a kid, then this analogy will make sense. If not you'll probably just think I'm gross.

I got hurt a lot as a kid. I was pretty much a "tom boy" and was the queen of extreme sports before there was such a sporting genre. I lived on the coolest cul-de-sac, and much to my delight (and I'm sure my mothers chagrin) I was the only girl my age. My friends and I used to do the stupidest stuff, and looking back on it, it's a wonder any of us lived past the age of 11. We used to build ramps out of scraps of wood we'd find in peoples' back yards and put them in the middle of the cul-de-sac to jump. We'd go to one of the houses in the "bend" of the circle that had the steepest driveway and we'd bike, skate, roller blade, or skooter as fast as we could down it and seriously get air off these dodgy ramps. We'd have karate tournaments...none of us actually studied karate. We'd play football on the black top, and chicken on one neighbors trampoline (when his parents weren't looking of course). I have no idea why I've just done all this reminiscing, but it's been fun. And I'm sure drives home the point that I did get hurt a lot as a kid. The opportunity was definitely there.
Here's the gross part. I was fascinated by the scabs I would get when I scraped my knee, or other various body parts. And even though I KNEW I shouldn't pick them, I couldn't help it. It was like they were calling out to me. Yes, I was a scab picker. And, like my mother warned me, I have the scars to prove it.
Tonight I was watching my weekly episode of Hillsong TV, and had my weekly good hard cry. I've come to realize that watching that program is like ripping off emotional scars for me. The other day I was just staring at this poster I have of the Harbour...crying. I can't help but watch Hillsong, I can't help but stare at my posters and read the Sydney Morning Herald online. When I do though, it's like any healing that has taken place is completely negated, and I start over with a raw, wounded, and bleeding heart. And I know that for the sake of healing and moving on that I probably shouldn't dwell on those things like I do. But I can't help it. I can't help but wonder, "what if". What if I had worked harder to find ajob. Did I give up too easily? What if Bo-Ma had never closed? What if I had never gone in the first place. Surely that would have been easier than this. What if I never get back. What if I really actually missed a huge miracle, or a huge breakthrough.
IT's still so painful.
And on days like today when it's absolutely gorgeous and beautiful outside, when everyone is happy for a weekend with decent weather, it totally magnifies all of the hurt and unresolved issues that are so much easier to supress on other days.
On days like today, only these three remain:

Faith. Hope. Love.

Thursday, March 04, 2004

I got a joooooooooooooob! I got a jooooooooooooooob!
Well...kinda. It's only a one day assignment for next monday, but STILL! That's more than I've worked in...2 months. =) man I'm a lazy ass.

I registered with this temp agency 2 days ago and seriously, they've been working so hard for me. It's really amazing. They called me and asked if I coudl do an emergency job today, but I already had an appointment to take my great aunt out to run errands today. It was great fun, but I coulda used the money. But yeah, the guy that's been calling me and stuff is trying to hook me up with this longer term temp position, so who knows.
Anyway, I like these people. If you ever need a temp agency go to Remedy Staffing. They're all over the country supposidly.

Well I'm off to fix dinner. woo hoo. I really think I might last 4 weeks as a house wife. This cooking and cleaning thing is gettng old.

Monday, March 01, 2004

Where the Love Lasts Forever
by Joel Houston

Your mercy found me
Upon a broken road
Lifted me beyond my failings

Into your glory
My sin and shame dissolved
And now forever yours I"ll stand

In love, never to end
To call you more than Lord
Glorious Friend

So I"ll throw my life upon all that you are
Cause I know you gave it all for me
And when all else fades my soul will dance
With you, where the love lasts forever

And forever I will sing
Lord forever I will sing
Of how you have your life away
Just to save me, Lord you saved me

So I'll throw my life upon all that you are
Cause I know you gave it all for me
ANd when all else fades my soul will dance
With you, where the love lasts forever

How do you justify the truth, and beauty of this song with the ugliness of an untimely death. This weekend a kid that has grown up at my church in AZ was found dead in his bed. Cause of death still unknown. How is that merciful? How is that loving? And how can people say stupid things like, "Well it must have been God's will/timing". Thankfully I haven't heard anyone say that, but it presents a good arguement against the people who use that lame excuse for other crap that happens in life. News flash: Not everything that happens on this planet is God's will. That's why Jesus had to teach us to pray things like "Your will be done on EARTH as it is in HEAVEN". Obviously all the beings that were created to chill in heaven have got something up on us in that God's will is done in Heaven. Except for the whole Satan rebellion thing, which I really don't know how to explain. But let's just work on the assumption that since all that happened God's will has been done in heaven, tha's why we have the contrasting Earth and Heaven. One place, God's will is not always done, one place it is. That's why we have to PRAY people! Get on your knees, get on your feet, get on your face, I don't care what posture you choose, I personally like to pray while I'm out on walks. But for our sake, for eternity's sake, for the lost's sake, get PRAYING! If you don't know where to start, start with yourself we always have things we need prayer for personally. ANd then ask the Holy Spirit to bring people, nations, issues, churches into your prayers. I'm done ranting, and I'm going to actually go start doing. There's a war going on people. You're in it whether you like it or not. Ignorance does not make you exempt. And you're either on one side or the other. It's the ultimate Good versus evil plot. Real lives are at stake. Start fighting, not against eachother, but against the stuff that's happening in the spiritual realms. And the only way you can fight a spiritual war is with spiritual weapons.