Friday, April 30, 2004

You know you have become far too involved in a tv show when you start praying for the characters. Sad but true. I've been watching ER for many years now and have gone through many ups and downs with the staff of the County General emergency room so I kind of feel personally involved. Like if I went to Chicago, I'd try to go there, and say hi to Carrie, and John, and Abby, and Elizabeth. But I think I definitely crossed a line last night when I started praying for the former "nurse Abby" who is now "Psych consult Abby" who finally got up enough guts to take her boards and have a chance at being a real doctor. I just really really want her to pass them. She's worked so hard, and so long, and she's SO good. If I went to an ER (God forbid) I would definitely want to have an Abby. Does this seem wrong to anyone else? I think it probably will.

ANyway, the place I'm working at bought pizza for lunch today and I'm starving...lates.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

I think I'm having a panic attack. Or a "I'm thinking way too much" attack. I feel like my brain is spinning inside my cranial cavity. You know like those rides at the fair, where you stand against the wall of that spinny thing and like force of the ride causes you to stick to the wall and go up and down. Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit. And it's happening it my head. I'm at work right now, and I actually have stuff to do. This lady, who just told me she was leaving to go to therapy, is having me do all this internet research for her. I hate doing this kind of stuff. It is so beyond pointless. She wants me to look on like two hundred websites of different health companies and look for a list of contancts and execs. People don't just publish that info for the world to see on their website you know. I can't believe people spend their lives doing this stuff.
And it is that thought that sent me into this tail spin. What am I supposed to be spending my life doing? I thought I knew. I thought I had it figured out to a point. Now I feel like a junior in high school again. Seriously. I keep thinking, why am I going to college in the fall? I have NO IDEA what I want to study. I know one thing I certainly do NOT want to study is business. I thought I would do music. But why? THen I thought I'd do literature or english or writing or linguistics or something in that liberal artsy area. But why? Then my friend told me about this killer externship she got through her nursing school at ASU. She'll pretty much be making $25,000 WHILE shes still in school. SO I thought, good greif I should be a nurse. THen I remembered I don't like blood. Or needles, or human excrement, or anything nurses work with.

I feel like every day I'm just putting one foot in front of another to get through the day. But instead of going anywhere, I'm on a treadmill. And everyday it's the same story. And I can't handle it. I seriously just want to go sit in my car and cry right now. I thought about it at lunch, but then I realized I'd spend the rest of my hour cleaning myself up, and I thought that a waste of time.

So then at lunch I was at Starbucks. And Starbucks is a place that fosters deep thinking. Which is probably what I didn't need. But there I was in a comfy chai, with a surprisingly good skim cap (for being in America) and the thoughts came. I was trying to read Mark, and God kept telling me to read, but I couldnt stop thinking, and telling God what I was thinking, and asking and begging him to make my thoughts clear.
Since I finished Blue Like Jazz yesterday, I started reading God Chicks by Holly Wagner this morning. that was before internet research lady. And after about a solid hour where all I could do was sit at the desk and pray (silently) in tongues. I had this really weird heavy burden and I dunno maybe it had to do with this..anyway. She said something in her first chapter about what she was living and running this race for. She said it was to hear God say, "Well done HOlly. Good job." SO at Starbucks I wondered if this was my motivation for waking up. And I decided that if it was it was incredibly selfish. It sounds very noble, and VERY Christian, but think about it. You live, do all this good stuff for God, serve people, feed the hungry, go to Africa, why? So when you die and find your self in heaven, you can hear God tell you good job. What is more selfish than that? So even though my reading of Mark wasn't too successfull at lunch, I did catch some stuff. Like when the disciples were looking for Jesus in chapter 1, and from what I can tell it was only the 2nd day they'd been hanging out with him and already he's disappeared. Since Jesus spent the whole of the previous day healing people, and casting out demons, and teaching in the synagoge stuff the people had never heard, he was all of a sudden a pretty in demand guy. Well they find Jesus (apparently he had woken up MANY hours before sunrise to go to a solitary place...truely this man was the Son of God) and tell him everyone is looking for him, and he says "We have to go to the next town, that's why I'm here. That's my purpose." He spent HOURS with God before sunrise on the second day of ministry with his disciples and knows exactly what he is meant to do. And there in lies the key.

I don't spend time with God. I read about Him. I read about people that do spend time with Him. But I don't. Not often, or regularly. I need to do this. If I want to stop the spinning I need to be with God. He can tell me all the what's and why's and turn my selfish religious attempts at living life into true worship.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

If you weren't convinced that you should read Blue Like Jazz from the previous post, this opening paragraph from the chapter "Money: Thoughts on Paying Rent" should convince you.

"Writers don't make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don't work either. We sit around in our underwear until noon then go downstairs and make coffe, fry some eggs, read the paper, read part of a book, smell the book, wonder if perhaps we ourselves should work on our book, smell the book again, throw the book across the room because we are quite jealous that any other person wrote a book, feel terribly guilty about rhowing the schumuck's book across the room because we secretly wonder if God in heaven noticed our evil jealousy, or worse, our laziness. We then lie across the couch facedown and mumble to God to forgive us because we are secretly afraid He is going to dry up all our words because we envied another man's stupid words. And for this, as I said before, we are paid a dollar. We are worth so much more."

Hilarious.

Monday, April 26, 2004

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald (Don) Miller. It's changing my life. You should check it out at www.bluelikejazz.com The book is making me do crazy things like find out what's really going on in politics at www.dinnerforamerica.com, think again about going into full time missions in crazy countries, check into places around dallas where I could serve people who don't get to be served alot, and it makes me really really really want to get back to Mesa where I have established relationships with people who aren't Christians and start growing those relationships again. It makes me want to read my bible with passion not obligation and write music to tell God thanks not to say "I wrote a new song today". It makes me want to never own my own car or home or lots of clothes or spend money on stupid crap. It made me mad the other day when I was listening to Sean Hannity on AM radio, only because I was waiting for the traffic report, and I heard him talk about the 6 cars he has bought in the past TWO YEARS! The six included two Cadillac Escalades and four Chevy Surburbans. This from a man who has spoken freely about trying to follow Jesus, and is a pretty prominant political figure. In the book Miller talks about how Christians would much rather believe that feeding the hungry and clothing the naked can take the form of a trickle down economy rather than actually going out and feeding them and buying them clothes. This book is turning me into someone I think my parents will disagree with a lot more than they do now. Although I'm going to try and pursuade my dad to read it when I'm done. We'll see how that goes. Could create a lot of tension.

All I'm saying is check your heart, check out the book, and check out what Jesus was really talking about.

Saturday, April 24, 2004

It's back.

The marriage bug that is. I knew it wouldn't stay gone forever...or long. Why??? Why must I want to be married? Why can't I just want a boyfriend or a guy friend for that matter?

I'd like to be all spiritual about it and say that God is preparing me for something...someone. And that's probably partially true. On the other hand it could very well be hormones, espeically right now. But it's been back for a little while. That sense that if Mr. Right randomly walked into my life right now, i'd marry him next week. Kind of like, "whew now that that is over with we can move on". I don't know why I let myself feel like that is something that is holding me back. And i guess it's not holding me back cause I'm not going to sit around and wait. I mean if I"m not married in 10, 15, 20 years (God forbid) I'm still going to be doing God's work.

But I think I'm just really longing for that partnership. Last week the pastor at dad's church preached on wives submitting out of 1 Peter. Probably the best teaching I've ever heard from him. He did a really good job of emphasizing that submission does not hold the negative connotations we have attatched to it. One example he gave of biblical submission is that as the wife submits to her husband her strengths are able to help fill in his areas of weakness which in turn releases the husband to do the same for her. They complete eachother. Not just compliment. Now I know "Jesus is all we need" blah blah blah. But I think there is a sense that a healthy marriage relationship brings that sense of being complete, and I think that is what I'm longing for the most. That partner by my side that I can support and release to dream big so we can walk in God's will together. Not just some cheesy relationship that gives me butterflies each time I practice signing my name with his surname. Although butterflies aren't bad.

I'm only 20 for goodness sake. Far too young to be getting married. God I pray that you would either take this desire from me or fulfill it.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Ok I know I'm about 24 hours behind the times in writing this, but I'm sure the shock of the situation is still lingering.

JENNIFER GOT VOTED OFF AMERICAN IDOL!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Now, I know I've given up swearing but this definitely deserves a, "WHAT THE HELL!"

Seriously America...are you deaf? Are you freaking deaf? That girl should have won the whole thing. There has not been one contestant in the history of AI to bust it like that girl can. Her's was one of the performances I caught in it's entirety on tuesday night and I honestly had chills up my back. The woman is a-freaking-mazing. AND SHE LOST????

I'm starting to think this season is rigged. Seriously. The fact that the red head Casper John what's his face is still in is flat out wrong. The boy sounds like the chipmunks. And even if Diana is a cute little southern bell, she sounds like she eats a tub of yogurt before every performance. The girls that were in the bottom 3 should have been the remaining top three...or four at least. ( I like George, he's cute) And to think that America picked Jasmine look-at me-I'm-Hawaiian-cause-I-have-a-flower-in-my-hair Trias over freaking Jennifer. OHHHH NO girlfriend. I'm also beginning to wonder if America still isn't steeped in racism and sexism. I'm not gonna really jump on that bandwagon cause I might get people on my back, but just look at the facts that's all I'm saying.

Seriously, I wish someone with power in the journalistic media would do some kind of expose. This is flat wrong. ARG. I will definitely be waiting for her album to come out though. You know when Elton John says that this was a tragedy that someone is gonna pick her up with a fatty record deal.

In other American Idol news, if you were watching the performance show on Tuesday night, you most likely saw the hot and AMAZING Guy Sebastian, winner of Australian Idol. I squealed when I saw his head in the second row of the audience poking through Paula and Simon.

In other Paula Abdul news, I can't get the chorus of "Straight Up Now" out of my head. ANd pretty much all I know is "Straight up now tell me do you really wanna love me forever, oh oh oh..." over and over again. Lord deliver me from evil.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Today I busted out some old skool hillsong united stuff. By old skool I mean "To the Ends of the Earth". Trust me, it's ancient by now. I'm sure I've posted these lyrics in here before but i felt to do it again with the context of both of these songs. It's not a coincidence that they flow one into the other. I was actually tempted to turn it off cause I couldn't handle it, but I was in the shower with shampoo in my hair which I took as God saying "Listen". More comments after the lyrics...

ALL
By: Marty Sampson

You're the one who gives me shelter...
and you're the light that leads me home
you're the love that gave forever...
Lord you're all that I know

Chorus:
And all that I am... unto you I surrender...
Lord there is none like you
And I know that I stand... in the arms of forever...
Lord there is none like you

There is none like you

Verse 2:
With the world upon your shoulders...
Lord you gave your life away
if the world I know was over...
I know I'd have life in the price You paid

Bridge:
And I will stand...and I will worship You forever... for all You are
And I will stand...and all to you I will surrender... I'll worship you forever



To the Ends of the Earth
By: Joel Houston

Love unfailing
Overtaking my heart
You take me in
Finding peace again
Fear is lost in all You are

And I would give the world to tell You're story
Cause I know that You've called me
I know that You've called me
I've lost myself for good within Your promise
I won't hide it
I won't hide it

Jesus, I believe in You
And I would go to the ends of the earth
To the ends of the earth
For You alone are the Son of God
And all the world will see
That You are God
You are God.



In both songs I found it alot easier to sing the "God" bits than the "surrender" bits. It's so easy to sing, "Jesus I believe in You"...but..."and I would go to the ends of the earth" doesn't roll of the tongue quite so easily. Likewise, it's great to sing "Lord there is none like you" but to add faith to that and say "All that I am unto You I surrender". I couldn't sing it. Then I had to sing it, cause I know that for me, if I start speaking things out in the flesh, even if my heart isn't on board yet, it eventually will be. In a sense it was surrendering even to take that step cause I really didn't want to sing.
It's kinda funny, and kinda not but when I was at college last year we'd sing those songs and I'd mean it will all of my heart cause I thought "Look at me Jesus, I AM at the end of the earth and it's all for you. Look God I've surrendered a heck of a lot, aren't you proud?" I don't know if He was, but I sure was. Now, when he's challening me to take that statement of faith a step further, to really surrender and say "Jesus I believe in you" to allow my fears to be lost in him it's not as wholehearted or easy.

At the same time, I feel really contradictory, cause I know in my heart of hearts waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay deep down there that I honestly would go anywhere, surrender whatever. I KNOW I would. I know that I couldn't say no to my Jesus. I might not like it at first, I might go pouting and stomping my feet for the first few miles to make sure he KNEW I wasn't happy about this. But I would go, and I would have peace, and after a while I'd be ok with it.


Subject change.

You wanna hear a really gross story? Of course you do, unless your liene and start gagging when I say "I cut my nail too short". whatever.
So I DID cut my nail too short, my right hand index finger. The one that I hold my pick with when I play. Well last night during worship practice the only pick I could find in my case, I had a whole stash at home, was an old floppy one and like sometimes when I get outta control (cause I'm hard core) my finger kinda hits the strings and stuff. Well usually my nail is there and it's no big deal, but last night my nail was NOT there and my finger started to kill. I blame it on playing "My Redeemer Lives" like a mad woman. Anyway, so I noticed after a while that this blister had formed on the top of my finger. So after practice I went home really quick to grab my good picks and I put a band-aid on my finger. Well the band aid didn't last cause it really decreased my mobility so I just decided to suffer for Jesus. During "Better is One Day" I felt like all this wet stuff on my hand and I thought, "COOL my finger is bleeding! I"m finally a real guitarist!" Well, it wasn't blood but my blister had popped and ooooooozed all over my hand. I told you it was gross. But seriously how cool is that. Or maybe it just shows my serious lack of technique. ha.

Time for another cool link. This one is pretty random. When I was searching for those lyrics I found this site that has seriously ALL the lyrics to any Hills song that has made it onto a cd ever. It's cool. So if you use it in conjuction with the chord charts on
pwarchive it could be really cool. The random part comes in cause the site is actually a sound track lyrics site and if you go to the home page I can't find where the hills stuff would be and when I search for it on their site it doesn't come up, but when you go through Google, they manage to come up with it. So here is the direct link for all your hillsong lyric needs. www.stlyrics.com/songs/a/australiahillsongs8787/all298451.html#

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

ok and for the record...or leah...whatever

I wasn't questioning whether or not "crookeder" was a word so much as it's grammatical correctness. Wouldn't "more crooked" be the right way of saying it?

You should go check Jack's most recent post. The blurb in the middle...I'm pretty sure that straight up came from God through her to me.

But it's good stuff for everyone.

Things I have learned today:

1. Arabic is an impossibly hard language.

2. I am impossibly impatient. (I already knew that tho)

3. "All Things Are Possible" - Darlene Zschech (and you thought I was quoting scripture)

4. SuperTarget is super cool and requires much more than a 30 minute lunch break.

5. There are 193 countries in the world, unless Taiwan gets absorbed by China, then there's 192.

6. Some guy driving a truck somewhere in Dallas loves canoing.

7. This aboriginal women just expressed the feelings of many australians

8. Strawberry Cream Slushes from Sonic are adicting.

9. God is crazy and likes to mix things up a lot of times.

10. People that work on semiconductors all day have no social skills.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

They just keep getting better...

"He's crookeder than a saw blade. Granted. And he's a greedy slime-ball. Which is exactly why he'll be on our side."

Um, is crookeder even a word? And I thought saw blades were supposed to be straight.

And yet, I'm still reading.

ok so this new book I'm reading....

It's good, but I remembered why I don't like a lot of novels. Or maybe it's just the few that I've read that have left me with this taste in my mouth, maybe if I read one that was like in Oprah's book club....joke. But seriously it's good, like the story line is good, but I hate how writers make people say things that NO ONE in real life would say. For example, "What in tarnation are you doing here?" That is a direct quote. All of a sudden a good looking Peace corps workers turned into Yosemite Sam.
I find this to be particularly true in "Christian" novels. It's like the authors are trying to keep things clean, but just end up making them dumb. Like the character I just quoted isn't a christian and I'm pretty sure would be much more likely to be heard saying "What the hell are you doing here?". But good writing and realistic dialogue is thrown out the window due to making things family friendly. I dunno, I think it's kind of lame. Since I don't read a lot of fiction, Christian or otherwise, I don't really have anything to compare this to. Maybe non-religious novels are written this poorly as well. But I doubt it. I mean I did read a lot of good stuff in high school so I know not everything is crap.
There's also a lot of random bits thrown in here and there that I think are supposed to help make things flow, introduce new characters, add something to the exsisting ones, but they're pretty weak. Actually, I guess it's not that good of a book but for some reason it's got my attention. Probably the kid in it. He's cute and in my mind is a quieter David Petrini, and probably the most well developed character in the book thus far.

I'm sure this you will hear plenty more on this.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Praise the Lord I finally finished the book I didn't want to read.

I'm going to quote a few sentences from the closing paragraphs and then comment on them briefly:

"So what should Abraham look like? For starters he should look like us...he should embody the timeless values he's represtend for four millennia...a wanderer, a man of the frontier, who's prepared to leave the comfort of his family for the sake of the family he wants to create, and who admits that he can't do this alone but needs a partnership with God in order to realize himself more fully...The Abraham I long for would be a bridge between humanity and the divine, who demonstrates the example of what it means to be faithful but who also delivers to us God's blessing on earth. And this Abraham conveys God's grace through his children...perceptive enough to know that his children will not always embrace the fullness of God's blessing, the will not endlessly dance "kumbaya" around the campfire, the will fight, murder, fly planes into buildings, send bombs into schools, and generally try to squander God's generosity..."

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking? The "Abraham this guy is looking for is JESUS! HELLOOOOOOOO.
Seriously in the last 3 or 4 paragraphs of this book that is exactly what he is describing...with a few exceptions like "God-fearing but also God-not-fearing" but that's just cause he's still blinded to the whole Jesus fact. All in all, the book got better as it went along, but I still wouldn't recommend it.

Thanks to Jack for the blogger info. Apparently it's just this computer here at work that had some whack settings happening.

So I've been doing some research about going on a detox diet. There is a ton of info out on it right now. I didn't realize it was such a fad. I just knew that my friend Heather had done it cause she was working for this health nut family and they conned her into. But she said more than anything it just helped her think about what she eats and kind of make a break in old habits and stuff. This girl pretty much had a huge sweet tooth and cut out refined sugar completely but it started by doing the detox thing. I told her she was totally nuts when she started eatting soy chocolate and crap. But I've been thinking about it, and it'd pretty much be pointless right now, cause I really can't "choose" what I eat so much. I mean I can, but like when you live with a family it's like you eat what they eat. And my family does eat pretty healthily. I personally would like to see things go a little more organic, but mom says it's too time consuming. Yeah well, so is dying. Just kidding. It's also more expensive, but there are actually quite a few whole food and "granola" stores in dallas so prices are decently competitive. So I think I'll wait on it at this point until I get back to Mesa or something and have more control over what I eat.

In other news...

I lead worship sunday morning for the high school group. And to be totally selfish and whiny I want to go back "where every body knows my name" and where I hold some authority and respect. Not cause I need like a power trip, but because I spent a lot of years cultivating that kind of atmosphere in the ministry I was involved with at Trinity. (i know that sounds ridiculous coming from someone who's not quite 21, but when you start something in 9th grade you don't have to be very old to have put a lot of years into it) There is this idea in people here that in worship you stand for the fast songs and sit for the slow songs. lame. So yesterday I had already started playing "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" (they are also at least a decade behind on music) and one of the girls that was singing says, "Y'all can sit down now". And I'm like 1. Who died and made you boss? 2. Way to break the flow - there was a really tight sense of God's presence and just randomly throwing in something like that pretty much didn't help 4. Don't tell people how to worship 5. Hello I'M leading

Ok I know #1 and #5 are kinda the same, and honestly I promise it's not a power, importance, worship leader "complex". And i know these kids totally do not get that worship is more than music, that the leader is there for more than just telling people when to stand, sit and clap. I dunno it just feels like I've taken a step backwards about 6 years. And before everyone jumps on my case, I KNOW that it's a good opportunity to kind of teach and disciple these kids and stuff to bring some new mindsets and thinking into a pretty rigid set up, and I am thankful for that. And I DO realize that it did take years to finally get a group of kids at trinity that did understand that , and it took a while for that mindset to become the "norm". I'm just saying it's always frustrating taking a step back.

Blah blah.

I found a new show I'm addicted to. Which I'm sure you are all thrilled about considering I pretty much have one a night already. The exception to that rule has been Monday's. There is nothing on monday nights. Until now. Yesterday on Bravo they had a "The Restaraunt" marathon. I hadn't even heard of this show cause I was in oz, but dude, it's so good. And besides the quality and level of dining, there were actually a lot of parallels b/w what the people on the show were going through and what we went through last year at Bo-Ma opening a new restaraunt and all. And so yesterday while I was cleaning the house and doing laundry for my mom and stuff, I pretty much watched 5 hours of that show. No, I wasn't sitting on my butt the whole time and I can pretty much guarantee that I have never done that ever in my life before. But this show was so riviting. I guess because I've always wanted to open a restaraunt or cafe or something like that as well, it's just interesting to see how hard it actually is. So tonight starts the second season of "The Restarant" and I'm so glad that there is finally something worth watching on Monday nights. So now my weekly tv regimine goes like this:
Monday: The Restarant
Tuesday: Gilmore Girls interspersed with American Idol while GG is at commercial.
Wednesday: I'm pretty much not home on wed. nights any more, but if I am, I'm watching AI results show, and I used to watch The Apprentice reruns, but as will all know, Omarosa screwed Kwame over and Bill won.
Thursday: This is by far the best tv night of the week. Survivor All-Stars, Will and Grace, ER
Friday: There's nothing on friday so I usually read or play music or watch a movie or something non-tv. If I had friends, I'd go out, but I don't so I stay in. Or go out by myself. I'd go out with my mom, but that's pretty much old at this rate.

K I'm off to go find another near by Starbucks. One that doesn't end in a dead end cul-de-sac...peace.

Friday, April 16, 2004

So would someone please tell why once again after 8 hours in front of a computer I am here? On a friday night nontheless. It's cause I've got stuff to get off my chest. Stuff that's been going around and around in circles in my head for a few hours, but I need to send it somewhere it can go and stay for a while.

And another preface to this. I don't ever use this blog as some sort of indirect, passive - agressive way of communicating. I've thought about it, cause it's a lot easier, but I never have, and I work hard to not. So this is honestly stuff that is just in my head and not directed towards any specific groups or individuals.


So I'm coming out of the closet.

Not like that, although I think I just made some people read that about 50 times really fast. (A short tanget that could be really long: it kinda pisses me off that the homosexual community has stolen cool stuff and used it for their own twisted purposes. Ex: the closet, the rainbow, the color purple...the actual color not the movie)

I'm just done hiding. I'm tired of hiding. So tired. It's exhausting work trying to be someone you're not. And I've pretty much spent my life trying to be someone I'm not. Ever since I was young I've been trying to play the role of the "smart kid". I'd like to blame this on my dad and his pretty ridiculous expectations, but I won't cause I've known about it for a while. I always pulled good grades in school, and I mean I guess I'd probably rate "above average" on the intellect scale...as long as there were no spelling tests. It was only until I got in high school that I realized I was a huge smart kid poser. The kids that were in my honors classes were actually smart. Most of them are probably running corporations by now...I don't know. And even though I still got high grades in those classes, i knew even then I was faking it. But I wanted to badly to be them that I kept trying. I kept using big words that I didn't really know the meaning to, and I kept laughing at jokes when everyone else laughed even tho I had no clue what they were laughing about. It was hard work I tell ya. I think my teachers knew, at least one of them, and she was by far my favorite. I think she probably worked to get me to understand that I didn't have to be someone else's standard of "best" I could only be my "best". I think 4 years later it's starting to sink in. So that was high school. If you include jr. hi, where it all started hard core, that's 6 years of faking it. Six years of constantly comparing myself and never measuring up. No wonder I didn't go straight into college. Gosh. The pressure! I hadn't even thought of that until just now. Maybe somewhere in my subconsious...or maybe it was the Holy Spirit..whatever I knew I couldn't handle 4 more years of BSing my way through life. So I went to Australia and BSed in the opposite way.

I dumbed myself down cause. let's face it, ywamers aren't genereally known for their intelligence. Passion, yes. Love, yes. Hard working, yes. Smarts, not so much. So I played dumb. Though I think pretty much people could tell I was faking it. But it felt good to not have to prove myself. When you're dumb you don't know any better. Although there was definitely a pride trip going on underneath the mask and I knew I could take anyone down if we were to watch some Jeopardy together...which they don't have there so I don't know why we would.

Then I came home for a year and my parents weren't cool with the fact that I was tryin gto be dumb and skip out of college, so I went back to school for a semester and the talk about the old nature. Geez o man. Came flooding back in no time. There I was, the shining start in all of my community college classes. And the competition was fierce I'll tell ya what.

I think part of the appeal of going back to Australia again was that I could go to a place called a "college", which sounded good to people, but I knew it wasn't about being fake and knowing everything. I knew I didn't have to be a smart kid there. And yet, what happened with the first wave of assignments? I was the smart kid again. Especially since all my roomates were procrastinaors more than they were dumb and always asked me for help at the last minute when i'd had my assignment done a couple weeks before hand. Melanie the honors student to the rescue.

All of that to say this.

For some reason, my passion for writing has been renewed. I like to write. (Betcha couldn't tell) I've written stuff my whole life, whether it be stupid songs on vacations, poems for contests, prophetic essays about the Sydney Opera House, or whatever I've always been a writer on some level. I stopped for a while cause writeing became a "had to" more than a "want to" and nothing is fun when you have to do it. But now, I've been out of the game for a long time. Even tho I was writing essays and stuff all last year, that was pretty much BS ( a reoccuring theme). I haven't written anything real in years. Well ok songs and stuff, but not like editorials, or essays, or reviews, or stories, or anything without music attached. And as much as i love blogging, we all know that it's pretty much in a "diarreah of the mouth" format. Not too much thinking involved. So here's the good part. Don't give up on me yet people.

I started writing again...probably about a month ago. And until today, I haven't really shared anything with anyone. Why? Cause I went back into "smart kid" mode. My two best friends are both smarter than me. Probably by far. And they are definitely better writers by far. Since some of the stuff I've been writing is kinda personal I wasn't ready for that stuff to be critiqued yet. But today I decided to come out of the closet. I had a long talk with God and told him how tired I was of hiding, and he said, dude your friends love you and they may rip up your writing for a while, but eventually their constructive criticism given in their huge ammounts of love will build you up to be the best YOU can be. He also reminded me that that's all I have to work towards. I'm probably never going to work at my friends' "best" levels. But I definitely want to work at mine, and I'm SOOOOO ok with that. ANd there is SOOOOOO much freedom in that. I think that's it. And unfortunately i think i'm pretty much written out for the night. The real stuff shall wait till the morn.

love love.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Lessons I have learned today:

1. Whatever is going on with blogger's new design sucks, and if it's permanent I might just take up xanga on their offer.

2. The m&m's inside those black and white packages are actually black and white themselves. Kinda creepy.

3. Do not trust the directions given by the Starbucks online locator system. I followed the driving directions they gave me perfectly and found myself in the dead end cul-de-sac of a neighborhood. Maybe it was directions to the Starbucks family residence. I dunno. Either way I did not get my iced Americano I was hoping for.

4. Teenagers should not be allowed to drive because they are rude, dangerous, and play loud country music at the gas station just to annoy everyone around them.


On another note, I am VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY excited about going to see Sara Groves tonight. And sadly enough, I'm excited about going by myself. I think I already said this, but I can't really remember due to the early onset alzheimer's but I'd much rather go to a concert by myself than with someone who has lukewarm feelings about the artist. Also it's alot easier to get a good seat that way. "Room for one?" oh yeah.

woah...what the heck is going on with bloggers posting format??? is this new? it's lame. No me likey. Anyway...

Sorry about the linking problems. The actual website is www.pwarchive.com No "s". Also, I don't know why my links haven't been highlighting as of late. Anyone have any ideas? Anybody, anybody...krystle...anybody...
You know what I find surprising, that I get a lot of crap from people for my spelling but not for my misuse of punctuation. I use the elipsis (sp???) quite frequently, and I don't know that I ever use it in it's proper context. Come on people, if you're going to be picky about your grammar, be picky about all of it.

Now I have a book UNreccomendation. Yes, that is correct. I don't know if I've talked about this book in here...but it's crap and you shouldn't read it or spend money on it or bother with it at all really. It's entitled Abraham and it's by Bruce Feiler. There are numerous reasons why this book is crap.

1. It's straight up boring. The writing is trying hard to be something it's not. Namely original, witty, and good. The topic itself is pretty boring. Abraham. Wow. Tell me more. Actually it's not about Abraham at all. Feiler is using the Biblical character of Abraham as an excuse for a book that's real purpose is to further the liberal stereotype of crazy, fundamentalist, right-wing, "evil" Christians and also a lame attempt at uniting the three monotheistic religions through the one person they claim to have in common.

2. Though he interviews and quotes lots of "scholars" from various religious backgrounds (rabbi's, catholic priests, Greek Orthodox priests, a female Lutheran minister..I haven't gotten into the bit about Islam, but I'm sure he interviews some of them too) these people are all of the same (wrong) opinion. That if the three religions would sit down over a cup of tea, talk about Abraham, their founding father and realize that they can be united through him the world would cease to have problems. We could all hold hands, sing Kum Bah Yah, and make Rodney King's dream of "getting along" come true. Sorry folks but it ain't gonna happen. Wars are going to continue to escalate. "Peace in the Middle East" will continue to escape the leaders of the world. And then, hallelujah, Jesus will return. Come quickly Lord.

3. It's a really good example of...well I don't know the technical term for it, but you know how often people's research confirms what they believed prior to the research. Like everything is slanted towards their personal bias.

I guess that's the end of my list...I could rant some more, but I think you get the picture. If you want to read a book about the Middle East, the deeply rooted problems there, and some of the interrelations of the "Big Three" check out, An Unexpected Light by Jason Elliot. It's a really good book. I haven't finished it yet cause Liene stole it from me, I mean I gave it to her. Anyway I'm off to search for the nearest starbucks near me. Did you know that I've been to 10 out of the 23 starbucks in Sydney. I didn't either. But the store locator on their website is a lot of fun to play with. They have stores in countries I've never even heard of.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

you know what I don't like about xanga is that you have to be a member to leave comments! How lame is that! Well much to my surprise, I actually AM a member. Who knew? I was trying to leave a comment on her and it took me to this sign in thing so I randomly tried my generic username/password combo and it worked. ha. So then once i found that out I thought about opening an account cause I think you can do cooler stuff with xanga easier than you can with blogger, but I'm quite partial to blogger. I feel some sense of loyalty. That and it's always a big to do when you up and leave one place for another.

So I would like to know why old creepy men are attracted to me. Do I give off some vibe that says "If you are old, and weird I want you bad"? I hope not, but I'm starting to wonder. I went out to the lake today to be alone (wow, I really am like Christ) and to read and write and think and chill. For a while I was just walking around by the shore but then wanted to do some studying so I went to my truck and moved it so the back was facing the lake so I could put the tailgate down and sit in the bed. (Yeah, white trash, I know). So it was working out well I was reading, not really finding anything useful for what I was looking for, but it's always good to be in the Word no matter what. So a while later this guy in a dodge ram pulls up next to me, rolls down the window of his truck and yells out "Beautiful day isn't it". A more precise statement would have been, "Beautiful day, WASN'T it." WHy do weird guys just start talking to me??? Seriously I was sititng there minding my own business, reading...you don't bother people that are reading. Unless you're this guy. He get's out of his truck, lights up a cigarette and proceeds to tell me his life story. And about one summer when he went to "looooseeana" and it was the most humid place he'd ever been. THEN he asks if I have a boyfriend! Well as a matter of fact I do, and he's back in PHoenix where I'm from. He was very sympathetic, noting that he'd had a few failed long distance relationships. Not surprising. He probably bothered his girlfriends when they were reading. ANyway, it was after noon by that time and I pulled an "Oh look at the time" and left. Truth is, I could have stayed there a couple more hours.

If you are a creepy old man, and you like preying on young ladies who are innocent and minding their own business, I beg you, just leave them alone!

On another note, I'm leading worship for youth tonight. Thank goodness i found that site yesterday.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Hey so for anyone out there who leads worship or is involved with worship in any way, I think I just found the BEST tab site I have ever come across. Seriously, every song I was looking for they had. (Some songs don't have lyrics cause of copyright stuff, but some do). But check this, there are a bunch of different options on how you can view the chord sheets. So you could do just chords, or just lyrics for your singers, and they even have an "overhead" one so if you use overheads you can just print that sucker out and not worry about formatting. You can also search songs by author, title, or text which is a big help cause 99% of song titles usually aren't what you think they should be. And my favorite feature by FAR was the modulating feature! HALLELUJAH! You can pick a song, and there's a little tab on the left and you can pick whatever key you want the song in and it AUTOMATICALLY changes the key for you. Ok did I say HALLELUJAH?! Seriously, I reckon this is huge. For all of us who aren't musical geniuses, or just out of practice, or lazy, or don't have lots of time this is a great tool. ANd it's all FREE! Seriously, check it out and send them some love for their amazing web site. It's all atwww.pwarchives.com

Sunday, April 11, 2004

He is RISEN!

My prayer is, and the burden that God has put on my heart for this Resurection day, is that it would be one of salvation and renewal of relationship. I just have a sense that all around the world, today is going to mark a significant day of first time salvations and lives turned back to him. That this wouldn't be another religious or consumer holiday but that it will really hold the significance and power that it's meant to. There a lot of people I personally am praying for. Friends, acquaintences, former co-workers, parents of friends, relatives all of whom either have yet to make a first time descision to follow Christ or aren't living it right now are weighing heavy on my heart. If you're randomly reading this and don't know God personally but you know it's not a mistake you're reading this PLEASE email me or leave your email in a comment or gb entry or something. I really want to get to know you.

I went to church this morning probably more out of obligation than anything else. Well that and I believe in the corporate body of Christ, and tho I feel very much like a lone ranger at this church still, there is power in community and unity. But what I was really looking forward to was after church when the rest of my family would be at the second service, I would have the house to my self to crank of the Hope DVD whilst preparing scalloped potatos and deviled eggs for our lunch this arvo. It was really great. I honestly feel personally renewed and have my focus right. On top of that I got to watch Joel looking mighty fine while singing "Free". No I was NOT lusting in worship. But seriously people, the boy looks good. After that I played some piano and had a bit of a quieter time of just worship and chatting it up with God. I don't know why I"ve been preferring piano over guitar when it comes to times of worship these days. I think maybe cause I get distracted by my guitar playing cause I want it to be perfect and I know that my piano skills are like zip so I can just play basic and it doesn't bother me. Anyway...I think my potatos are about done and I think I need to go put another coat of nail polish on before we leave for lunch.

Happy Easter everyone...He is risen indeed!

Saturday, April 10, 2004

so this is an open invitation to anyone I know or don't know that is in the Dallas area and wants to go with me to the Sara Groves concert next thursday night. I'm going no matter what, but generally it's not cool to go to concerts by yourself. Maybe I need to. But I'll avoid it if I can. So if you want to come just throw something my way and we'll hook it up

Thursday, April 08, 2004

What's really amazing is that after 8 hours of staring at a computer screen, and the probability of doing so tomorrow, I am here back in front of a computer when I don't need to be. But I DO need to be. I have SO much to process my brain is about to explode. So forgive for what is about to become a long, winding, random vent.

So I've been having this on goine dialouge with God regarding where I'm at and where I wish I was and where I want to be in the future. AKA "What I thought I wanted, and what I got instead". Honestly, I haven't been at a very good place the past weeks...possibly months. I haven't been at a good place spiritually or emotionally a lot of the times. When you get into that pattern it just kind of spirals downward. You know it's happening, you can see it, you know how to stop it, but you don't or can't or something. Anyway, so that's where I've been. Not a lot of relationship happening. But God is faithful. So i've been talking to God and maybe last week or the week before I posed the question, "Should I pull myself out of ministry". I mean it's not like I'm preaching, but I play guitar on sundays for my dad and I played and sang at women's retreat and I've said I would lead for college group this summer and have talked with the youth pastor about doing stuff with the HS group, etc. So I thought, considering where I"m at with God I am in NO place to be put in front of people as an example. Being on the platform is something I consider a HUGE priviledge a HUGE responsibility and I in no way take it lightly. Even if I'm not leading, I'm still there and that is leading. So God answered my question in a totally unexpected way. He said something to the effect of, "Don't back out of ministry, that's where your healing will come from". eh? How can healing come from pouring out of yourself? Shoudln't it be the other way around? And how can a jar that is empty pour anything out to begin with? Well, I don't know but I listened, and I obeyed, and I hung around pretty much saying "yes" to whatever came along.

Oh my gosh, was God right. Women's retreat I was reminded that God uses me inspite of myself, and it's never, never, never about me or where I'm at. It probably helps to be in tune with the HOly SPirit and in good relationship, but He'll take whatever he can get his hands on and use it. Then yesterday as I was stuck in rush hour traffic, I got a call from my dad. Van (youth pastor) is trying to get a hold of me because it's youth group, the guy that was supposed to lead can't, it's 6pm the meeting starts at 7...can I do it? Oh Lord. Honestly that's what I said to myself. Then I said "Yes" to Van. And here is where another topic is introduced. I am so so SO thankful that God has given me the gift of praying and speaking in toUnges. =) Not only in this moment, but in a lot of moments over the past couples months I just haven't had words. So I just started praying with my spirit and God totally busted in gave me a direction to lead, gave me songs that "coincidently" my brother had picked out for me to do as well, and made the theme in my heart TOTALLY connect with what Van was speaking on. Seriously, we looked at eachother after the meeting was over and were like, "wow, that was God". Here's the other thing. Last sunday morning I felt compelled to go to the HS sunday school group (did I already talk about this???) and Van spoke on Sin. I was totally shot down. The Holy Spirit was all over me like a cheap suit, but in a better way. I'd been thinking about it and meditating on that all week...giving up swearing, blah... So that's what God put on my heart to go with last night and even though Van was doing a TOTALLY different study on Sunday's and Wednesday's it just so happend that these two were both on sin.

So now I'm feeling a bit like a soldier in the reserves and I need to be ready when I get called upon. It's so easy to get slack when you're just on "hold", but then there's a day when you get a call and have to be prepared in 50 minutes and yeah like I said I praise God for the gift of toUnges and never doubt the power of the Holy Spirit to do stuff like what happened last night, but there is also responsibility on my part to be ready.
Whew...glad that's off my chest. Now on to something a little more...well, you can figure it out.


I love ER. The show. Not the place. The place scares me. Actually, so does the show a lot of times, but I'd still say it's my favorite and definitely the show I've watched the longest, despite the recent rash of seedy story lines. But tonight, man. Why do they always have to do such controversial stuff that throws me into conflict and makes me think about what I believe. lame. kidding.
SO if you missed it, which i'm guessing you did cause I"m pretty much the only friend I know that watches it...or any tv for that matter, here's the plot that blew me over tonight.
Carrie Weaver (handicap bitchy lady) is a lesbian and like at the beginning of the season her and her "wife" had a baby. Well the "wife" had the baby. But you know they considered themselves married, and a family unit and were planning on having more kids, the american dream. So they left the baby with the "wife's" mother while they both went to work. Well sandy ("wife") is a firefighter and got caught in a building that collapsed. Long story short, she dies. They can't save her. Her best friend, life partner, "wife", whatever sits there helpless. Herself a dr., but nothing can be done. If that's not bad enough, the "wife's" family is very strict roman catholic and never approved of their homosexual relationship. Remember the baby was with the mother...well they wouldn't give the baby back since TECHNICALLY it was part of their blood not hers. So at the beginning of the show we have a woman who is in a happy "healthy" relationship, with a new baby and at the end she has neither.

Ok people, this BROKE my heart. I almost lost it, and if my dad wasn't there I probably would have. I DON'T agree with homosexual relationships, I DON'T believe a such thing as homosexual marriage can exsist, but I DO believe we are called to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. I don't know how far do you take that? I wouldn't rejoice with a friend if they entered into a homosexual relationship. I couldn't. But I would mourn with them if their "partner" died. I dunno, I mean I know it's tv and all but I found myself feeling the same emotions if it would have been a wife who lost her husband and son all in one day. I hate confronting issues like this. Cause the likelihood of me ever actually being in that situation are slim, but I believe it's good to decide how to react to a situation before it takes place not during. LIke not getting into cars with scary IT guys that ask temps out to lunch.

ANyway, I think I"m processed out. I"m probably gonna go listen to Sara Groves and write a letter to a great friend and call it a night.

Oh and Happy Good Friday. If you can say that. I'm happy.

Back to the "thankful" post...

I am SO thankful that I am not called into the business world. No matter how tough I may think I am, and how "unsensative" I claim to be I could never cut it. There have been probably 3 seperate times this afternoon, just after lunch, when I seriously wanted to cry. Why are business people so mean? Why are they in such a hurry? Why are they so flaming arrogant that every thing they say is derrogatory. Part of me knows I could thrive in this environment. I would become hard, cold, mean, bitchy (not swearing), I'd always be in a hurry, and I think I would be pretty successful. I know my flesh. It would absolutely love it. However, I can tell that God has done a work in me, because nothing of this lifestyle appeals to me. I would not like to be friends with or get to know better any of the people I have met in this office...and now I must depart...

If you go here www.buzzplant.com/saragroves/contest/ you can listen to the new Sara Groves single, if you haven't already heard it yet. But even better than that, you can enter a contest to win an iPod and a collection of cds from INO. Which, I'm sure will include the lovely Darlene Zschech cd. =) Just thought you'd like to know.

I would also recommend going to the link on the contest page for the video interview. You kind of have to search around for it...it doesn't take you directly to the interview, but it's really good.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

I just told a really fat lie. To make things worse, I've been thinking about this lie since yesterday. However, I think it's one of those situations where it's ok. I'm at a new job for a few days this week, and there's the guy that's kind of overseeing me and stuff. And he's one of those people that when you meet you just click with right away and feel like you've known them for a super long time. Same sense of humor, etc. Well THAT guy yesterday asked me if I had plans for lunch today and being innocent and naieve I said "no"...cause I didn't. I tell the truth. Except for right now. So then he said maybe we could get some lunch together and I was like "ok"...still being true to my blonde roots. WELL...a few minutes later I thought...wait a second...I'm not getting in a car with a person I just met, i know nothing about, and is probably at least 10 years older than me. Even if they are funny and pretty good looking. So then I started thinking of excuses...oh wait, I have none. So then I started comming up with lies. Krystle suggested I should say I have to walk my dog. That would work, if I wouldn't have told the guy I live in Mesquite which is like 30 minutes in no traffic. So then we (krys and I) thought of the boyfriend route. As much as I like the thought of that lie, I don't think I could pull it off convincingly cause that's just a little bit too much of a stretch. So then later yesterday evening I settle on having lunch with a friend in the area. (???) Which if you want to get technical is true, cause I'm going to be reading my Bible, and meeting with Jesus at lunch. I hope my lie was not too transparent. Oh the adventure of working temp.

ok...the first time I read this I was so confused and super excited...then I found out when it was written. yeah. bummer. I am the most gullable person I know. I think I was just super excited about Knapp coming off her sabatical. check it out here www.cmcentral.com/news/1980.html I even went for the thing about the MWS set. Oh well. At least she came off her sabatical to play a good april fool's joke so we know she's alive. =)

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

So I realized that a few posts back there somewhere I said something to the effect of trying to make my posts more positive and less whiny. Well the truth is, life is kinda not feeling so positive these days, but feelings are fleeting and i KNOW that my life is blessed. Even if I don't feel it. So I'm feeling really compelled (my new favorite word that I stole from Sara Groves and the TBC mission statement) right now just to write a bunch of stuff I'm thankful for, and things and people that bless me. I don't know where this is gonna go, cause it's all very spontaneous, but hopefully we won't get too superspiritual. However, I will start with:

1. The Holy Spirit...cause He helps me out a lot, and comforts me a lot, and tells me it's all gonna be ok. He allows me know know the truth of my Father's love for me, and constantly reminds me of that truth when I'm not feeling it.

2. The fact that I have to have the coolest friends in the world. I mean seriously, this is one area of my life that is ABUNDANTLY overflowing with blessing. I don't think I can ever be thankful enough for my friends. Even when I am not physically near ANY of them, my relationships just continue to grow and encourage me and challange me, and I hope visa versa

...I'm gonna have to return to this later cause it's time for lunch...I'll be bahck.

I'm thankful for:

3. Not having to worry about where my next meal is comming from right now. I may not be rich, but at least my rent is paid, utilities are taken care of, I have a house full of food and STUFF, a car, a cell phone, and a whole bunch of other luxuries.

4. Music. I love music. Seriously, God speaks to me through music probably second only to his word directly. I love making music, and singing and playing and using the little gift God has given me in that. I can be in such a crap mood and then a worship song will just pop into my head, and I'm reminded of what it's about.

5. This is kinda related to #4, but I think it deserves it's own catagory. I am SO thankful for the new Sara Groves cd. I told you I'd be eatting my words. You should get this cd. you NEED to get this cd. I was listening to the second disc last night which has a 30 minute interview with her and some demos and stuff...and during the interview I was just laying in bed crying. she's gotten to the other side of the "something" and I'm still kinda in the middle.

6. Work. Thank you JESUS that you have given me work in the past month. I think that one's pretty self explainatory.

7. I'm thankful that God has blessed "what I got instead". (I'm telling you, the whole cd is speaking to me)

8. I'm thankful for 75% Off Books.

9. I'm thankful for high speed internet.

10. ...that God has been allowing me to write a lot lately, and that it's actually turning out decent. I like writing...bet you didn't know that.

11. I am thankful that it's time for me to leave work and praying that traffic will not be as hellish as it was this morning.

peace out

Monday, April 05, 2004

Thanks to krys for the help with the time zones.

So I"m just wondering...
Has anyone ever felt like totally throwing in the towel on this whole Christianity thing? Have you ever gotten to that point when you have seriously considered walking away? Just so you know, I'm about to be brutally honest with you (whoever "you" are) so don't hold it against me like 5 years from now. I have been at that point a lot recently. The past few weeks for sure. It's so hard, SO HARD living for Christ. And crap, I'm a freaking American! I have the right to be a Christian, and honestly I haven't faced a whole lot of persecution. What about people in Turkey who's families totally disown them for their faith? They'd probably bitch slap me and tell me to shut up for thinking christianity is hard. And it's true that living in certain countries or under difficult political circumstances can make living for Christ a million times harder, but it's also true that it's hard just for the fact that it goes against this flesh we live in. We don't like things that are hard, unless there is an immediate reward. (Maybe that's why prosperity gospel is so popular). So I keep getting to that point. I keep getting the the point where I think, "Ya know I"m young, I can walk away from this for a while. I can get extra sleep on sundays, not have my weeknights consumed with stuff, focus on what I want to do in life, and then when I get married and have kids I can come back." Sounds good right? I mean what's the church got for me anyway? Especially THIS church. I mean isn't the church irrelevant and totally unaware of the needs and issues my generation is facing?

I've been there a lot. I've to points where it feels like my spirit is standing at a fork in the road and deciding which way to go. It looks one way and can't see but a few inches before the path is enveloped in fog, and thinks..."Yeah right". Then it looks the other way and can see a lot farther, "I can get a degree in business, make lots of money, have a nice house, a nice family, a nice picket fence...". But something continues to pull me towards the path of the unknown. I'm compelled to it. It's a hard road, a slow road, and doesn't fill you with instant gratification. I have to fight to stay on this road. Daily. I have to decide every morning when I wake up which road I'm gonna walk. Some mornings it's a lot harder than others. I hope that one morning I can wake up and not even have to think about choosing, that it's automatic, natural, and desired over anything else in life. Someday.

Sunday, April 04, 2004

I think I'm going to go mental trying to keep up with all the time zones now that our clocks changed. I need like 5 clocks in my room set to all the time zones I regularly call people in. You know like how they have in travel agencies and stuff. yeah. Cause I think right now I am two hours ahead of AZ, 3 ahead of CA, 3 behind Sydney if you flip flop the am and pm (which is really like21 behind or something..I dunno I could be way off with that one) and I can't remember if we're the same or 1 hour behind the east coast. All i know is that my head hurts from trying to keep it all straight.

Speaking of sydney...I miss it. I finally got to talk to krysty kay last night. Gotta love that girls laugh. Definitely haven't heard that for a long time. I also talked to Al who tried to make excuses for her slackness, but whatever. I tried calling leah but apparently she doesn't believe in telephones anymore. I found out that Ali went to church with Leah and Al which is cool, cause I reckon it's a good church and she could fit in pretty well if she was willing to make the drive. I think I could write a soap opera about all of the relationships I have with people that randomly weave in and out of my life. Instead of "Neighbors" we could call it..."Worlds Apart" or something catchy like that, cause I mean really we all are. Except for lucky people who get to go study in sydney...oh wait. I must say though I'm really questioning God about the fact that I had to leave sydney before krys got a chance to study there. It makes me sad. We would have had such good times. And once again we will not be in the same time zone for more than a year. Actually I think 11 months is the one to beat right now. It all comes back to time zones...and sex...but that's another discussion.

I think I'm going to go play my guitar. After a trip to Guitar Center this arvo where I played a BEAUTIFUL $2600 Taylor 614 w/ expression on an amazing California Blonde acoustic guitar amp my crap as Fender isn't gonna be much fun. Maybe I'll play the piano instead. But if anyone feels like the Holy Spirit is leading them to buy me that Taylor (my 21st is coming, don't forget) you just go right on ahead!

Friday, April 02, 2004

I said I was giving up swearing not drinking. I had a couple glasses of red with dinner and I am feeling GOOD right now. Seriously I was thinking on the way home from work, "I need some wine with dinner" and tonight it was just mom and I so that's what we did. And I love that I can go to restraunts and not get carded. Fantastic. Welp that's all. I think I might go write. Who knows what I'll come up with right now.

Here's the thing people. When I say stuff in here, it's almost always tounge-in-cheek. I know you know that. I love Sara Goves' new album. I loved it from the first time I listened to it. I could tell it was good stuff. Just not what I'm used to or expected. I haven't stopped listening to it, and it's awesome. You should get it. The other thing is, that this is generally the primary outlet for my ranting, so when I run to my blog to unload it's usually at the peak of passionate, irrational opionion. That's the beauty of this thing. I can be crazy, stupid, unfounded, and no one has to know about it. I can process my thoughts, opinions and beliefes here so that when I enter the real world I'm a bit more stable. blah blah blah.

I would also like to say that I'm so thankful that two of my best friends, who shall remain annonymous, feel they have the right to tell me off whenever they feel like it. It's a really good thing and I'm seriously thankful for that. Sometimes I'm not cause I'm like shut up already, but in the long run I'd rather have that open communication than fake friendship. Seriously, I've got cool friends. Unfortunately, none of them live within driving distance. ha. Or starbucks distance. Imagine if we started measuring distance by the number of starbucks' between here and there. I think I might start that. Anyway, to you two thanks for shutting me down, some day I will reciprocate the favor. I just don't like being mean. =) TOUNGE-IN-CHEEK!

I would also like to say if you're Australian and you emailed me at 4am I miss you and I'm sorry we couldn't chat cause I'm bored too.

I would also like to say if you're Australian and your name is Al and you live in Avalon and you said many weeks ago that you had a present for me, that you need to send it already. Oh, and an email would be nice too. geez. It's like pulling teeth people. Not that I've ever pulled teeth...well I guess my own when I was a kid.

I would also like to say that I'm giving up swearing. *gasp* I know. Well I can't run anymore, or justify, God's got me in a corner. That and I'm living in the Bible belt. I guess the big epiphony was yesterday when I got ran off the freeway by a big rig (seriously, that happened) and a lovely combination of 4 letter words came flowing out. I didn't like that. So I'm giving it up. Slowly but surely.

I would also like to say that the past two nights in a row people have called me right as I had kinda sliped into dreamland and I thought it was the alarm on my cell phone going off so I hung up on them then called them back in a sleepy stupor. Two nights in a row. I'm sorry I've been going to be so early, but you would too if you had to wake up at 5:30 for an hour long commute.

I would also like to say that you should get a new cd by a guy called Michael Gungor. I think he was reviewed or mentioned on relevant, or grassroots or somewhere. But I heard about him and got his cd for $1 the other day along with Sara, and he's REALLY good. As far as I can come up with if you put John Mayer, David Crowder Band, and Jeff Deyo into a blender, gave it a good whirl, you'd get Michael Gungor. Good stuff. Some of the guitar riffs are a bit too much of a straight Mayer rip off, but I still sit and marvel at the talent.

I would also like to say that I think I'm done here...work beckons. Fairwell.