Wednesday, April 28, 2004

I think I'm having a panic attack. Or a "I'm thinking way too much" attack. I feel like my brain is spinning inside my cranial cavity. You know like those rides at the fair, where you stand against the wall of that spinny thing and like force of the ride causes you to stick to the wall and go up and down. Just the thought of it makes me want to vomit. And it's happening it my head. I'm at work right now, and I actually have stuff to do. This lady, who just told me she was leaving to go to therapy, is having me do all this internet research for her. I hate doing this kind of stuff. It is so beyond pointless. She wants me to look on like two hundred websites of different health companies and look for a list of contancts and execs. People don't just publish that info for the world to see on their website you know. I can't believe people spend their lives doing this stuff.
And it is that thought that sent me into this tail spin. What am I supposed to be spending my life doing? I thought I knew. I thought I had it figured out to a point. Now I feel like a junior in high school again. Seriously. I keep thinking, why am I going to college in the fall? I have NO IDEA what I want to study. I know one thing I certainly do NOT want to study is business. I thought I would do music. But why? THen I thought I'd do literature or english or writing or linguistics or something in that liberal artsy area. But why? Then my friend told me about this killer externship she got through her nursing school at ASU. She'll pretty much be making $25,000 WHILE shes still in school. SO I thought, good greif I should be a nurse. THen I remembered I don't like blood. Or needles, or human excrement, or anything nurses work with.

I feel like every day I'm just putting one foot in front of another to get through the day. But instead of going anywhere, I'm on a treadmill. And everyday it's the same story. And I can't handle it. I seriously just want to go sit in my car and cry right now. I thought about it at lunch, but then I realized I'd spend the rest of my hour cleaning myself up, and I thought that a waste of time.

So then at lunch I was at Starbucks. And Starbucks is a place that fosters deep thinking. Which is probably what I didn't need. But there I was in a comfy chai, with a surprisingly good skim cap (for being in America) and the thoughts came. I was trying to read Mark, and God kept telling me to read, but I couldnt stop thinking, and telling God what I was thinking, and asking and begging him to make my thoughts clear.
Since I finished Blue Like Jazz yesterday, I started reading God Chicks by Holly Wagner this morning. that was before internet research lady. And after about a solid hour where all I could do was sit at the desk and pray (silently) in tongues. I had this really weird heavy burden and I dunno maybe it had to do with this..anyway. She said something in her first chapter about what she was living and running this race for. She said it was to hear God say, "Well done HOlly. Good job." SO at Starbucks I wondered if this was my motivation for waking up. And I decided that if it was it was incredibly selfish. It sounds very noble, and VERY Christian, but think about it. You live, do all this good stuff for God, serve people, feed the hungry, go to Africa, why? So when you die and find your self in heaven, you can hear God tell you good job. What is more selfish than that? So even though my reading of Mark wasn't too successfull at lunch, I did catch some stuff. Like when the disciples were looking for Jesus in chapter 1, and from what I can tell it was only the 2nd day they'd been hanging out with him and already he's disappeared. Since Jesus spent the whole of the previous day healing people, and casting out demons, and teaching in the synagoge stuff the people had never heard, he was all of a sudden a pretty in demand guy. Well they find Jesus (apparently he had woken up MANY hours before sunrise to go to a solitary place...truely this man was the Son of God) and tell him everyone is looking for him, and he says "We have to go to the next town, that's why I'm here. That's my purpose." He spent HOURS with God before sunrise on the second day of ministry with his disciples and knows exactly what he is meant to do. And there in lies the key.

I don't spend time with God. I read about Him. I read about people that do spend time with Him. But I don't. Not often, or regularly. I need to do this. If I want to stop the spinning I need to be with God. He can tell me all the what's and why's and turn my selfish religious attempts at living life into true worship.