Friday, April 16, 2004

So would someone please tell why once again after 8 hours in front of a computer I am here? On a friday night nontheless. It's cause I've got stuff to get off my chest. Stuff that's been going around and around in circles in my head for a few hours, but I need to send it somewhere it can go and stay for a while.

And another preface to this. I don't ever use this blog as some sort of indirect, passive - agressive way of communicating. I've thought about it, cause it's a lot easier, but I never have, and I work hard to not. So this is honestly stuff that is just in my head and not directed towards any specific groups or individuals.

So I'm coming out of the closet.

Not like that, although I think I just made some people read that about 50 times really fast. (A short tanget that could be really long: it kinda pisses me off that the homosexual community has stolen cool stuff and used it for their own twisted purposes. Ex: the closet, the rainbow, the color purple...the actual color not the movie)

I'm just done hiding. I'm tired of hiding. So tired. It's exhausting work trying to be someone you're not. And I've pretty much spent my life trying to be someone I'm not. Ever since I was young I've been trying to play the role of the "smart kid". I'd like to blame this on my dad and his pretty ridiculous expectations, but I won't cause I've known about it for a while. I always pulled good grades in school, and I mean I guess I'd probably rate "above average" on the intellect long as there were no spelling tests. It was only until I got in high school that I realized I was a huge smart kid poser. The kids that were in my honors classes were actually smart. Most of them are probably running corporations by now...I don't know. And even though I still got high grades in those classes, i knew even then I was faking it. But I wanted to badly to be them that I kept trying. I kept using big words that I didn't really know the meaning to, and I kept laughing at jokes when everyone else laughed even tho I had no clue what they were laughing about. It was hard work I tell ya. I think my teachers knew, at least one of them, and she was by far my favorite. I think she probably worked to get me to understand that I didn't have to be someone else's standard of "best" I could only be my "best". I think 4 years later it's starting to sink in. So that was high school. If you include jr. hi, where it all started hard core, that's 6 years of faking it. Six years of constantly comparing myself and never measuring up. No wonder I didn't go straight into college. Gosh. The pressure! I hadn't even thought of that until just now. Maybe somewhere in my subconsious...or maybe it was the Holy Spirit..whatever I knew I couldn't handle 4 more years of BSing my way through life. So I went to Australia and BSed in the opposite way.

I dumbed myself down cause. let's face it, ywamers aren't genereally known for their intelligence. Passion, yes. Love, yes. Hard working, yes. Smarts, not so much. So I played dumb. Though I think pretty much people could tell I was faking it. But it felt good to not have to prove myself. When you're dumb you don't know any better. Although there was definitely a pride trip going on underneath the mask and I knew I could take anyone down if we were to watch some Jeopardy together...which they don't have there so I don't know why we would.

Then I came home for a year and my parents weren't cool with the fact that I was tryin gto be dumb and skip out of college, so I went back to school for a semester and the talk about the old nature. Geez o man. Came flooding back in no time. There I was, the shining start in all of my community college classes. And the competition was fierce I'll tell ya what.

I think part of the appeal of going back to Australia again was that I could go to a place called a "college", which sounded good to people, but I knew it wasn't about being fake and knowing everything. I knew I didn't have to be a smart kid there. And yet, what happened with the first wave of assignments? I was the smart kid again. Especially since all my roomates were procrastinaors more than they were dumb and always asked me for help at the last minute when i'd had my assignment done a couple weeks before hand. Melanie the honors student to the rescue.

All of that to say this.

For some reason, my passion for writing has been renewed. I like to write. (Betcha couldn't tell) I've written stuff my whole life, whether it be stupid songs on vacations, poems for contests, prophetic essays about the Sydney Opera House, or whatever I've always been a writer on some level. I stopped for a while cause writeing became a "had to" more than a "want to" and nothing is fun when you have to do it. But now, I've been out of the game for a long time. Even tho I was writing essays and stuff all last year, that was pretty much BS ( a reoccuring theme). I haven't written anything real in years. Well ok songs and stuff, but not like editorials, or essays, or reviews, or stories, or anything without music attached. And as much as i love blogging, we all know that it's pretty much in a "diarreah of the mouth" format. Not too much thinking involved. So here's the good part. Don't give up on me yet people.

I started writing again...probably about a month ago. And until today, I haven't really shared anything with anyone. Why? Cause I went back into "smart kid" mode. My two best friends are both smarter than me. Probably by far. And they are definitely better writers by far. Since some of the stuff I've been writing is kinda personal I wasn't ready for that stuff to be critiqued yet. But today I decided to come out of the closet. I had a long talk with God and told him how tired I was of hiding, and he said, dude your friends love you and they may rip up your writing for a while, but eventually their constructive criticism given in their huge ammounts of love will build you up to be the best YOU can be. He also reminded me that that's all I have to work towards. I'm probably never going to work at my friends' "best" levels. But I definitely want to work at mine, and I'm SOOOOO ok with that. ANd there is SOOOOOO much freedom in that. I think that's it. And unfortunately i think i'm pretty much written out for the night. The real stuff shall wait till the morn.

love love.