Monday, April 05, 2004

Thanks to krys for the help with the time zones.

So I"m just wondering...
Has anyone ever felt like totally throwing in the towel on this whole Christianity thing? Have you ever gotten to that point when you have seriously considered walking away? Just so you know, I'm about to be brutally honest with you (whoever "you" are) so don't hold it against me like 5 years from now. I have been at that point a lot recently. The past few weeks for sure. It's so hard, SO HARD living for Christ. And crap, I'm a freaking American! I have the right to be a Christian, and honestly I haven't faced a whole lot of persecution. What about people in Turkey who's families totally disown them for their faith? They'd probably bitch slap me and tell me to shut up for thinking christianity is hard. And it's true that living in certain countries or under difficult political circumstances can make living for Christ a million times harder, but it's also true that it's hard just for the fact that it goes against this flesh we live in. We don't like things that are hard, unless there is an immediate reward. (Maybe that's why prosperity gospel is so popular). So I keep getting to that point. I keep getting the the point where I think, "Ya know I"m young, I can walk away from this for a while. I can get extra sleep on sundays, not have my weeknights consumed with stuff, focus on what I want to do in life, and then when I get married and have kids I can come back." Sounds good right? I mean what's the church got for me anyway? Especially THIS church. I mean isn't the church irrelevant and totally unaware of the needs and issues my generation is facing?

I've been there a lot. I've to points where it feels like my spirit is standing at a fork in the road and deciding which way to go. It looks one way and can't see but a few inches before the path is enveloped in fog, and thinks..."Yeah right". Then it looks the other way and can see a lot farther, "I can get a degree in business, make lots of money, have a nice house, a nice family, a nice picket fence...". But something continues to pull me towards the path of the unknown. I'm compelled to it. It's a hard road, a slow road, and doesn't fill you with instant gratification. I have to fight to stay on this road. Daily. I have to decide every morning when I wake up which road I'm gonna walk. Some mornings it's a lot harder than others. I hope that one morning I can wake up and not even have to think about choosing, that it's automatic, natural, and desired over anything else in life. Someday.