Thursday, April 08, 2004

What's really amazing is that after 8 hours of staring at a computer screen, and the probability of doing so tomorrow, I am here back in front of a computer when I don't need to be. But I DO need to be. I have SO much to process my brain is about to explode. So forgive for what is about to become a long, winding, random vent.

So I've been having this on goine dialouge with God regarding where I'm at and where I wish I was and where I want to be in the future. AKA "What I thought I wanted, and what I got instead". Honestly, I haven't been at a very good place the past weeks...possibly months. I haven't been at a good place spiritually or emotionally a lot of the times. When you get into that pattern it just kind of spirals downward. You know it's happening, you can see it, you know how to stop it, but you don't or can't or something. Anyway, so that's where I've been. Not a lot of relationship happening. But God is faithful. So i've been talking to God and maybe last week or the week before I posed the question, "Should I pull myself out of ministry". I mean it's not like I'm preaching, but I play guitar on sundays for my dad and I played and sang at women's retreat and I've said I would lead for college group this summer and have talked with the youth pastor about doing stuff with the HS group, etc. So I thought, considering where I"m at with God I am in NO place to be put in front of people as an example. Being on the platform is something I consider a HUGE priviledge a HUGE responsibility and I in no way take it lightly. Even if I'm not leading, I'm still there and that is leading. So God answered my question in a totally unexpected way. He said something to the effect of, "Don't back out of ministry, that's where your healing will come from". eh? How can healing come from pouring out of yourself? Shoudln't it be the other way around? And how can a jar that is empty pour anything out to begin with? Well, I don't know but I listened, and I obeyed, and I hung around pretty much saying "yes" to whatever came along.

Oh my gosh, was God right. Women's retreat I was reminded that God uses me inspite of myself, and it's never, never, never about me or where I'm at. It probably helps to be in tune with the HOly SPirit and in good relationship, but He'll take whatever he can get his hands on and use it. Then yesterday as I was stuck in rush hour traffic, I got a call from my dad. Van (youth pastor) is trying to get a hold of me because it's youth group, the guy that was supposed to lead can't, it's 6pm the meeting starts at 7...can I do it? Oh Lord. Honestly that's what I said to myself. Then I said "Yes" to Van. And here is where another topic is introduced. I am so so SO thankful that God has given me the gift of praying and speaking in toUnges. =) Not only in this moment, but in a lot of moments over the past couples months I just haven't had words. So I just started praying with my spirit and God totally busted in gave me a direction to lead, gave me songs that "coincidently" my brother had picked out for me to do as well, and made the theme in my heart TOTALLY connect with what Van was speaking on. Seriously, we looked at eachother after the meeting was over and were like, "wow, that was God". Here's the other thing. Last sunday morning I felt compelled to go to the HS sunday school group (did I already talk about this???) and Van spoke on Sin. I was totally shot down. The Holy Spirit was all over me like a cheap suit, but in a better way. I'd been thinking about it and meditating on that all week...giving up swearing, blah... So that's what God put on my heart to go with last night and even though Van was doing a TOTALLY different study on Sunday's and Wednesday's it just so happend that these two were both on sin.

So now I'm feeling a bit like a soldier in the reserves and I need to be ready when I get called upon. It's so easy to get slack when you're just on "hold", but then there's a day when you get a call and have to be prepared in 50 minutes and yeah like I said I praise God for the gift of toUnges and never doubt the power of the Holy Spirit to do stuff like what happened last night, but there is also responsibility on my part to be ready.
Whew...glad that's off my chest. Now on to something a little more...well, you can figure it out.


I love ER. The show. Not the place. The place scares me. Actually, so does the show a lot of times, but I'd still say it's my favorite and definitely the show I've watched the longest, despite the recent rash of seedy story lines. But tonight, man. Why do they always have to do such controversial stuff that throws me into conflict and makes me think about what I believe. lame. kidding.
SO if you missed it, which i'm guessing you did cause I"m pretty much the only friend I know that watches it...or any tv for that matter, here's the plot that blew me over tonight.
Carrie Weaver (handicap bitchy lady) is a lesbian and like at the beginning of the season her and her "wife" had a baby. Well the "wife" had the baby. But you know they considered themselves married, and a family unit and were planning on having more kids, the american dream. So they left the baby with the "wife's" mother while they both went to work. Well sandy ("wife") is a firefighter and got caught in a building that collapsed. Long story short, she dies. They can't save her. Her best friend, life partner, "wife", whatever sits there helpless. Herself a dr., but nothing can be done. If that's not bad enough, the "wife's" family is very strict roman catholic and never approved of their homosexual relationship. Remember the baby was with the mother...well they wouldn't give the baby back since TECHNICALLY it was part of their blood not hers. So at the beginning of the show we have a woman who is in a happy "healthy" relationship, with a new baby and at the end she has neither.

Ok people, this BROKE my heart. I almost lost it, and if my dad wasn't there I probably would have. I DON'T agree with homosexual relationships, I DON'T believe a such thing as homosexual marriage can exsist, but I DO believe we are called to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. I don't know how far do you take that? I wouldn't rejoice with a friend if they entered into a homosexual relationship. I couldn't. But I would mourn with them if their "partner" died. I dunno, I mean I know it's tv and all but I found myself feeling the same emotions if it would have been a wife who lost her husband and son all in one day. I hate confronting issues like this. Cause the likelihood of me ever actually being in that situation are slim, but I believe it's good to decide how to react to a situation before it takes place not during. LIke not getting into cars with scary IT guys that ask temps out to lunch.

ANyway, I think I"m processed out. I"m probably gonna go listen to Sara Groves and write a letter to a great friend and call it a night.

Oh and Happy Good Friday. If you can say that. I'm happy.