Saturday, May 29, 2004

Hey so Liene's here and Houston was good and Joan was the greatest hostess ever. Um, that's all cause we're going to go to the lake now. Maybe we'll sit in the bed of my truck. Cause that would be a very texan thing to do. Maybe not.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

I think I might be at one of the worst places emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually that I've ever been in my life. All at the same time, I feel like every part of my being is shutting down. I feel like those rip off hallow eggs you get at easter. There's nothing inside me right now, it's all rotted away and all that's left is like my brain stem that knows to tell what remains to wake up when my alarm goes off, drive to crap jobs on deadly freeways, and go to sleep after dinner. I know there are seasons in life, deserts and valleys we all travel though. But man, this is a bad one. One of the most scary things for someone who strongly believes in the sanctity of life and the value of humanity is when thoughts of not wanting to be here creep in. Don't pretend like you haven't thought about it. Everyone does when life sucks. I'm not suicidal, and frankly I'm to much of a wuss to ever carry anything out if I was. Although I did tell Joan I would slit my wrists and jump off a building if Diana DiGarmo won American Idol. Tangent.

Emotionally I'm completely lonely and sick of it. I enjoy time by myself, but I'm going on 4 months without any real friends, and that's out of control. I'm also drained from trying to maintain good relationships with each of my family memebers whilst living with them. Not an easy task. Let me quote Sara Groves in reference to an incident last night over a cell phone bill, "We just had a world war three/here in our kitchen/ we both (all) thought the meanest things/and then we both (all) said them/ we shot at eachother till we lost ammunition..." In the midst of all of that, my mom, in her anger revealed that for some reason she's really mad at me that I talk on the phone to friends at night. Gosh, she's like the only person I "hang out" with, if you even want to call it that. I clean the woman's house for her with out ever being asked, I clean HER bedroom, I make HER dinner as well as clean the kitchen. What the hell does she want from me?????? My dad is getting senial, and though he has a great heart, I know he hates the position he's in. The church is stuck, and pretends like they want to move forward, but they can all his ideas. My dad's a lot like me (or visa versa) and tends to be very melancholic and introspective so he's quiet and contemplative a lot of the time. My dad and I have almost never fought, definitely never like my mom and I, but the last couple weeks there have be a couple of "heated discussions" and I hate that. And all you really need to say about Matt is that he's 17. Why my parents loved me through those years I'll never know. I love my family and I'm thankful for everything they've done for me, but they're driving me crazy.

Mentally, it feels as if my thoughts are consumed with things in this world. Money, debt, cars, how to get more money to pay off more debt to buy a better car. How did I get here? I've never held these things close to my heart. I'm seriously easy to please, low maintenence, and I'm honestly happy with that. So why all of asudden the desire for more? And why does it seem to consume me? My dad put money down on a car today. It's a good car for cheap, and I'll probably end up having him fix a few minor problems and reselling it for quite a bit more. I like the idea of making money, but, I don't like that I have to use my credit card to do it. It stresses me out. What if it doesn't sell? What if I buy it, invest a couple hundred into it, then end up stuck with it? I'll still have gotten a good deal, but it's a good deal I can't really afford right now. But my dad thinks it's a good idea, so I'll go along with it. And who knows I might end up making a couple k's. Which would be good. Also, the whole job situation is annoying and stressing me out a bit right now. I have a job locked in for the summer which is like HUGE HUGE HUGE blessing, but I won't start into that until next week after L goes back home. However, until then, they want to keep me on as a "floating temp" to help out whomever needs help with whatever random projects. Usually this has been looking like frantic people needing help so badly, but not having the time to train anyone, so they just throw you into the deep end and yell at you when you screw up. First, I hate screwing up. Second, I hate being critisized. Third, I hate being critisized for screwing up on something someone didn't tell me how to do properly. I'm not going to complain cause I guess I could be sitting around on my butt not making any money this week. But I think I wouldn't have lost my sanity in such a short ammount of time.

Physically, I'm rediculously out of shape. My mom's got a magnet on the fridge that says, "I wish I was at the weight I was when I thought I was fat." Or something cutesy like that. I've been told I was fat and overweight for as long as I can remember. Even when I was probably in my best shape playing and training for sports in high school, I was always the "big" girl. Oh how I would love to back to those days of "bigness". I feel like I'm fighting an unwinnable battle. I eat healthy and exercise. I don't jump on to diet band wagons because when I do they never work, and I miss chocolate and coffee. Speaking of coffee, I've given up caffine completely and only drink decaf any more because I was drinking such large ammounts that it was wreaking havoc on my insides. Every morning I jump out of bed and do 20 minutes of yoga before I do anything else then in the evenings I go on jogs, or walks...depending on how ambitious I'm feeling. Usually it's a combination of the two. That probably happens b/w 3-5 times a weeks depending on what else is happening. I got a flat iron for my birthday, and wore my hair straight yesterday. The only problem is that my curly hair is actually quite well proportioned with my body and straight hair makes me look even fatter. What's a girl to do!?!

As if this hasn't been long enough, I could write a book on the state, or lack thereof of my spiritual health. This morning on the drive to work I started wondering if I met myself and I was someone else, if I would consider myself a Christian. I think I decided I would be "backslidden" or some other great religious term. My spirit's dry, and the gifts the Spirit has given me are all but dry too. When I do talk to God, He doesn't talk back. I automatically tune out in church, a couple people have approached me about leading worship, but it's really like the furthest thing from my mind. There are even few of my christian cd's I can listen to without gagging. (Although I will say that I just got the new Jeremy Camp worship cd from Sal for my birthday, and I was very excited about it. I haven't listened to it yet, but when I get a chance it's going straight into my cd player. Thanks friend.) I read through a few old blogs from about a year ago and I have come 180 degrees...but for the worse. I was listening to John Reuben the other day (one none gagging cd right now) and once again his song "Hindsight" totally summed up my feelings right now.

"i screamed to god out of frustration after another day of waking and hating the fact that i'm still where i'm at what's the point of all of this cuz i'm not seeming to find it is it meaningless i search the reason behind it because these moments seem to drag on forever and these years on end seem to have never been this desperation has formed repetition within to insecure to pretend and i'm too weak to defend here it comes again all in my world again left with no direction no beginning no end the days blend together and the weather never changes numb to the outcome but yet not quite painless aimless to whether or not i made a mistake and if so how far is too far before it's too late should i wait but then what would be too long to reverse the effects if i was wrong"

This needs to end. I need to do stuff. But I needed to vent.

Friday, May 21, 2004

I'd just like to say that liene comes in less than a week and I'm very excited. woo hoo!

I'd also like to say that I saw Shrek 2 tonight and it's freaking funny.

I'd also like to say that I got a call from Australia tonight and they want me back. sigh.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

I have so much to write and so little time. And honestly, I'd rather be playing my guitar. New strings...mmmmmmmm. But I know I need to write so I can move on with new thoughts that will swirl and spin and torment my head.

First, how good is it to be a Diamondbacks fan this week. Well every week really, I wouldn't want to be a fan of any other team that's for sure. But seriously, my man Randy Johnson tore it up the other night. The only thing that would have made it sweeter is if they were playing AT BOB against the Yankees. But in my book Atlanta is hated right after the Yankees so it was pretty sweet. Although, I was very glad that the fans there went nuts. I mean I'd go nuts if I watched one of the greatest pitchers of all time throw his first perfect game, even if he was on the other team. Unless it was the Yankees. Then I'd just swear. Anyway, goodonya Randy. Please don't leave us after this season when you become a free agent. Arizona loves you.

Speaking of Australia, Guy Sebastian (Australian Idol) was on American Idol last night, and sang his (lame unfortunately) "Idol song". But man that guy (no pun intended) can bust a note or two. And here's the really sad thing...he had an accent. *cringe* I need to go back. I need to leave, and go home to my mother land. The great south land of the Holy Spirit. The land of red dust plains, and summer rains. sigh.

Actually I think I unknowingly started writing a song about Australia this morning in traffic. I found out that a really good way to kill time is to journal in traffic, and I had this progression and melody in my head, but no words, and then I got words. See I've been having this battle with myself. All of my songs are pretty serious. Which is ok, but I need to lighten up. But when I start to write songs like that they all sound cheesy. Then I started listening more closely and studying "fluff" songs. Like, who the heck though it would be a good idea to write, "They say it's your birth..nah nah nah nah nah" There's already a cheesy birthday song. I heard an upbeat song today that wasn't cheesy. I can't remember the band, but it was back from like jr hi/ hi school days. The chorus is "Don't give up you've got the music in you, one dance left..." I dunno something like that. My favorite line is, "Come around we'll kick your ass innnnnnnnnn!" I just like the mental picture. Think about it for a second. An indented ass. Funny huh. Man, I've been slipping on the swearing thing. It's all in reference tho. So yeah last night I started writing a cheesy song about how single I am. How I'm almost 21 and that's also how long I've been without a man. I quit writing after a few lines. It was so painfully cheesy, and the quintessential country song. I'm considering writing the lyrics, but you'll all laugh at me. Well I guess I laughed at me. Sometimes you have to write cheesy songs. They make your ok songs look better. But you'll get a kick out of these. Don't say I'm not vulnerable in here.

21 years I've been alive
Funny that's the same ammount of time
I've been without a man of my own

I guess I have my dad and brother
but no special friend or life long lover...

That's it. I couldn't bear it any more. All I could hear was Reba MacIntier's voice in my head and a lap guitar.

So Sunday is my birthday. I'll be 21. Like the song said. I've already recived the first trickle of what I expect to be a FLOOD of gifts so you'd better get on it. Here's what I want:
1. A hair straightener
2. A car
3. A new guitar
4. A new electric guitar
5. Lots of money
6. The David Crowder Band "Illuminate" cd
7. Any Christian rap or hip-hop cd (Grits, KJ-52, the new Rueben, Paul Wright, the Verbs, etc.)
8. A boyfriend
9. Tickets to Sydney and a paid registration to Hillsong Conference in July
10. To be able to move to AZ
11. Booze
12. The new Nora Jones cd or Wilco or Nickle Creek or Silverchair: Diorama or Outkast: Speakerboxx/The Love Below
13. For my grandparents' neighbor Eileen to heal and realize she needs Jesus.
14. Some recording software and equipment for my laptop
15. For someone to pay my college tuition

I guess that's pretty much it. I'm sure something on the list will fit within everyone's budget. =)

Well I'm out to my brothers third concert of the week. That kid. Gotta love him.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

oh man, I hate season finales. The cliffhangers that make you wait 4 months before any resolution. arggggg. Tonight was Gilmore Girls, and in 20 minutes it will be Judging Amy. (actually it's on now, I started talking to Mike, and haven't gotten too far.)
GG was totally bitter sweet. It's about dang time Loreli and Luke hook up. That made my heart happy. And I hope Jason saw it, maybe that will be the first season of the premier. If I were the writer, that's what I would have happen. If anyone remembers the episode that started with Loreli dreaming that they were married and she was pregnant and you were totally mad that it ended up being a dream, you'll understand why this is such a long awaited good thing.
On the other end of the spectrum is Rory and Dean. And I do believe this is worthy of a "What the hell!" Sleeping with a married man! Loosing your virginity to an ex-boyfriend that is now married. What a way to go. I would have been soooooooooooooo happy if it was Dean and he was married to Rory, but that is not the case, and so I am not happy. I don't even hope that Dean ends up divorcing Lyndsay. I hope they work it out, after he cheated on her, and that Dean and Rory both have to reap the consequences. That kind of sounds a little "Bible-belt-fire-and-brimstone". What can I say. I live in Texas. Seriously though, I hope the writers choose to show the reality instead of the fantasy.

I have much more to say, but I need to go catch up on my Judging Amy. I just had to vent about Gilmore Girls. Back me up Jack. I'm about to get shot down by a bunch of Hatahs. =)

Monday, May 17, 2004

I"ve never considered myself the type of person who lives a fearful life. There aren't many things that scare me. I'm not afraid of heights, speed, flying, or airline food. I"m not afraid of lonliness, or death, or eternal singlesness. I don't like pain (physical or otherwise), but I don't think I'm afraid of it to the point where I live a life trying to escape it. I'm not afraid of driving in DFW rush hour traffic, or being in front of large groups of people or even speaking in front of those large groups. And the list goes on.
However, there are a few things that I'm obsessivly afraid of happening in my life. This is one of the biggies. I'm afraid that one day I could be writing a version of this man's personal story.

One of the few things that has stuck with me beyond my YWAM days was something our speakers on the topic of relationships said. It was something to the effect of, "Men struggle with what they see; women struggle with what their mind sees." And for me at least, that is the absolute truth. I am glad that I can say (cautiously and humbly) that I have never intentionally looked at porn. And that the one time I accidently found it while cleaning out files on a computer (long story) the Holy Spirit jumped out of me and immediately closed the window. Even during the few short minutes it took me to delete those files though, there was a war raging inside me. I can still hear the enemy trying to seduce me with cries of "curiosity". I can hardly remember a time when the power of God was more real to me.

Since that breif moment, I haven't been tempted by porn. The bigger struggle exists in my mind, where my imagination runs wild and loves to create impossible and probably ungodly standards for a potential future husband to live up to. I'm not really into reading fiction, but I know a lot of women get hooked into reading slutty romance novels. My weakness lies in chick flicks. Movies that depict perfect and therefore unattainable "lust" relationships. There doesn't even have to be sex in a movie. I'm pretty sure there's no sex in "While you were sleeping", but depending on my spiritual and emotional health at the moment, that movie could probably bring serious destruction. But if it all just stays in your head, and you know it's just fantasy then that's ok, right?

There's a passage of scripture in the New Testament (don't ask me where...maybe James? who knows.) That talks about temptation leading to thoughts that mull around in your head, then thoughts turning into thoughts of action, then actually turning into the action itself. I'm sure I screwed that up, but you get the picture. If temptation gets a foot hold in our life somewhere, thoughts don't stay thoughts for long. I know this is true. And I'm so afraid of the havoc that could wreak on a life that is purposed to succeed and glorify Christ. Crashing in a flaming ball of addiction and sin is not how I want to go. Not that I want to speak this prophetically into my life in anyway, but I'd much rather go as a flaming ball of flesh and fire for the gospel of Christ. In reality I'd rather not see either.

Some people hold the belief that the things you fear in life will eventually come true cause you put all your energy into thinking about those things. I'm hoping and praying that the opposite is true. I'd much rather be made aware of all the sinful desires of my heart, those things I fear could take me out of the race too soon, and be aware that they are there so I can 1) commit them to God and ask for help, 2) watch for warning signs and 3) have my friends and sisters in Christ hold me accountable.

Like I mentioned a couple posts ago, this looks like an issue that is going to try and turn grey on us. We like terms because it gives us a place to put blame besides our selves. People no longer lack self-control, they are sex addicts. Heaven forbid we deny ourselves the "right" to having the internet in our homes and work places, because we might (or might not) look at inappropriate stuff.
I'm not saying that real problems don't exsist, I'm just saying that we live in a Prozac happy world. We want a quick fix without digging up rotten roots. I think this is one issue that, as much as it tries to go grey, will always be black and white in my book.

Lord, save me from myself. I know my flesh, and where it could lead me. Teach me to find strength, self-control, complete satisfaction, and unconditional love in You. Don't let me walk this road.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

So guess what? i'm kind of excited.
I talked to this guy at church today who has a recording studio in his home like FULL on studio, and he was really excited. He gave me a cd of stuff that has been produced there. IT was hard to get past the HORRIBLE musicianship to really listen to production quality, but it was actually really decent. Though I don't know why people always feel the need to put the "tin can" reverb on vocals. Drives me nuts. If you can sing, sing...if you can't, effects are only going to make it worse. Like that one Cher song, "Do you believe in love" or something, where she sounded like a robot. Didn't really help her in my opinion.
Anyway, so now I"m going through songs, and I REEEEEEEEEEEALLY wish I had journals here, but this is also why I am thanking God for blogger. I remembered there was one set of lyrics I kind of liked that I posted up a loooooooooooong time ago. Well august, that's a long time for my memory. And I found it. Yay. Now the crap thing is that my guitar broke a string, and I have no backup. Lame. I might have to go out. So now all I need is for Leah, Krys, and Ali to all fly out here and help me. =) Or any combination of pairs or singles of the above. I'd also take Christian, Adri, or Stephen just anyone I can work with.
"I'm all aloooooone..." Actually there are some college kids comming back that might be up for it. Anyway, that's all. Latah.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Your best friends are always your harshest critics. Apparently L didn't read my new and improved blog description. Whatev.

A couple weeks ago I found out that one of the drummers at my dad's church has a recording studio in his home. I haven't seen him for a few weeks, but the next time I do I'm going to approach him about it cause I'd really like to get some stuff down. Mostly just for myself, for the experience, and for any interested friends. But the thought of being able to record has prompted me to get my butt in gear and work on some of my stuff. The frustrating thing is that I left a bunch of my journals back in Mesa, which have a lot of lyrics in them. (Hey, could you bring me the yellow, collage, australian journal? Thanks.) So I kind of have limited resources. My current journal has a couple potentially workable lyrics, and one new one that...well...I don't know if I love it or hate it. The other frustrating thing is that recently I've been playing with a lot of new progressions and tunings and rythms and stuff, which is fun, but I have no worrrrrrds. So I decided I needed to write, but everything is comming out really depressing right now. Which is weird, cause I think I'm definitely feeling better now than I have for a couple months. Maybe it's delayed reaction? I dunno. The other weird thing is that I"ve been playing piano a lot more than guitar recently. I would love to record a song that is primarily accompanied by piano, but again, it's all coming out sounding like a less perverted version of Alanis Morisette. Actually if that was the truth, I'd probably be really happy, cause I love her honesty, and I'm glad her new cd is more "happy", or that she's at least gotten to that place in her life. I wish she found her happiness in Jesus instead of Buddah tho. Anyway, I'm gonna post some lyrics. I really wish I could post sound cause lyrics can be crap with out the music. For those who care it's in 3/4 and the basic progression is D/B D/A D/F# G(w/o the B) but it's um, kind of muted and picking so it's not just like strumming and stuff and then the chorus has more of a 6/8 feel. Or 3/4 held over 2 measures. Cause it would be kind of dumb to make a time sig. change from 3/4 to 6/8. Although I'm sure krys can correct me on that somehow. (Um, that sounds a little bitter, but it's TOTALLY not. Honest.)
I hate trying to explain how something sounds. Hence recording. blah blah.

Nothing to say
Nothing to hide
Nothing to lose
Nothing to fight

I'm standing here open
I'm standing here wanting to change
I'm standing here needing to know you
I'm standing here calling your name

Take my nothingness
Make it something beautiful for you
Take my nakedness
Clothe me.................(still working on that)

Feeling like quitting
Feeling like I'm far away
Feelings deceive me
Feelings will soon fade away

Take my nothingness
Make it something beautiful for you
Take my nakedness
Clothe me.................(still working on that)

Take my lonliness
Replace it with your presence
Take my life away
.............................(that's still blank too)

Friday, May 14, 2004

Thanks krys for giving my my guestbook and my entenation comments back. =) Now you can all sign and comment allllllllll the time.

Well, the temp agency saga continues my friends.
This afternoon while I was finishing the remainder of my DQ Reese's Blizzard that I got last night after Matt's award ceremony, Jenni called and said...
J: "Please don't kill me"
M: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"
J: "The client just called and cancelled the order for next week"
M: "You're joking me"
J: "No, I'm so sorry hon. Feel free to call the other agency and just let me know if they find you anything. I'm so sorry, but you know I'm trying to keep you busy"
M: "Yeah, it's not your fault. Thanks."

Do they even KNOW the turmoil they put me through. Good greif.
So I call back #2, ask to talk to Rhonda get the same, "Who are you, why do you want to talk to her, what is it regarding?" Please don't treat me like I'm an idiot. Thanks. I never got a chance to explain the "flaking out" to her and I wanted to make sure she knew that I really wasn't flaking, and that now I was available if anything came up. She understood and said she did have a job to put me on and so now I have a job in freaking IRVING! It will take me a life time to drive there in rush hour. But it pays good, so I'm not going to complain. It sounds like what I was doing the other week at GTESS, filing, helping HR clean up their personell stuff. Yippee skipy. blech.

I think I'm going to go see Mean Girls tonight. I think it might be the biography of the #2 people I've been dealing with. I should actually call the girl I"m meant to go out with. Oh my gosh, I"m going out. Do you even understand that this is the first time since like February that I'll go out with someone I'm not related to. Wow.

I knew something like this was going to happen. I kneeeeeeeew it.
This week I interviewed and signed up with a new temp agency. I love Remedy (agency #1) but they haven't had a whole lot of stuff going on. I decided since I had some free time I'd check out another agency and see if they had anything going on. So I went to agency #2 (new agency, not yet worthy of my endorsment by putting their name in here) and they were all very bitchy. Seriously. I was really confused a lot of the time when I was there because I didn't know if they didn't like me personally or if they just had sticks up their butts. After Liene recieved a call yesterday for some references it was confirmed to be the latter. But I'm not going to discriminate against your snobbishness if you get me work. So this morning around 9:00 I got a call from #2 saying they had something for me next Wed-Fri. which works out well cause I have something lined up with Remedy on Tuesday. So I said, yeah sure. Well she didn't have a lot of info when she called, like oh I dunno WHERE I NEEDED TO GO, so she was going to call me back. So 5 minutes later the phone rings and I'm like oh it's her...oh no, it was Jenni from Remedy. "Hey, Mel (I let them call me Mel cause they're cool and I like them) I have some good news. (oh crap!) I got a week long for you next week instead of just the tuesday thing. (seriously oh crap)" ", ummmmmmmmmmmm"
I felt like Judas betraying Jesus when I told her I had just accepted a wed-fri with another agency. My Remedy people have been SO good to me. THe other day I went in to pick up some time cards, and Jenni said they were just having a conversation about how much they loved me and wished they could clone me so I could still work my temp jobs, but so they could send me out for some temp to hire stuff as well. Hello! Betrayal. On top of that she said she had already filled my Tuesday job so that I could take the week long. Kickin' me while I'm down. (You have to understand, that I am the type of personality that is fiercely loyal. I don't have a lot of close friends because the close friends I do have I invest everything into. And I'm pretty much like that with everything in life. I didn't even want to check out another temp agency, but my head and bank account told me otherwise.)
Because I had told Remedy that I would take a longer assignment if one popped up earlier this week, I felt that I could honestly say they had first dibs. So I told Jenni I'd fix everything and call her back. So I called #2, and once again got the "stick up the butt" feeling from them. The lady that initially called me hadn't called me back yet (it had probably been a good 20 minutes by now) so I called and asked for her, and I could hear the receptionist talking to her (hello people, it's called "hold")
"Um, Melanie is on the phone regarding an assignment next week"
"What assignment?" (Ok, how many Melanie's can you have working next week, that you JUST talked to?)
Me: "It was the Wed.-Fri."
Lady in background: "I told her I'd call her right back"
Reception: "She'll call you right back"
Me: "Ok, but something just came up since she called me and I can't work next week"
Reception: "Oh.....................................ok bye"
Me: "Oh,actually I have one more question"
Reception: "Uh huh"
Me: "Would I be able to come by and pick up some time cards incase something else comes up in the future?"
Reception: "Um, why do you need a time card???"
Me: (Gee I don't know maybe cause I don't work for free?) "Oh, do you not use time cards?"
Reception: "It's faxed to you on the first day of an assignment."
Me: "Oh, ok I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that. Thank you."
Reception: click
Me: @)#(*@&%$

So then I feel like a flake, which I HATE, but I'm glad I can work for Remedy. So I call Jenni back.
J:"Thanks for calling Remedy, this is Jenni"
M: "Hey Jenni it's Melanie"
J: "Heeeeeeeey, what's up buttercup" (not joking, that's really what she said)
M: "I am all yours next week"
J: "Yay! Not that I'm possessive of you or anything" and proceeds to give me the job details.

I Kneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew something like this would happen. I hate it. And I'm trying to get over it but my two hugest pet peeves have been committed. 1. Flakiness and 2. Disloyalty. But inspite of it all, I guess it's better to have two people fighting to give you work than have no work at all. Thanks a lot God. No matter how close I come, you never let me get quite to the point of forgetting your faithfulness.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Ok so I thought I'd do something crazy and change my template.
It was a very difficult move. Mostly because I've been spoiled and have never had to have a stock template. (If you happen to be on summer break and doing nothing, I wouldn't be opposed to a new one.) But the final descision came when I realized that I'm tired of having a black template. It's been black for a loooooooong time, and even before blogger my dx was black for a while there. So here's the new me. I'm very much in a pink phase so I thought this was only appropriate. Hope you like it.
The unfortunate thing is that I think with blogger comments you have to be a blogger member to leave comments which isn't cool. Soooooooo maybe if you're on summer break and have nothing to do you can change that, or add a guest book or something.

I'm putting this link in here so i don't loose it again. It's hard to remember exactly what google searches you do to find something. If you want to randomly learn arabic, you can follow this link.babel arabic

So my new favorite channel on tv is LinkTV. It's on Dish network, like up in the 9000 somewhere. It's kind of like a cool PBS. Tons of cool documentries and world music videos. French rap is funny. Just lots of cool stuff. News shows from around the world (they all hate us). Well today I watched the tail end of this musical about an Australian girl that ran away from home and then died. Usually musicals are light hearted, so I wasn't sure how they could turn such a depressing story into a musical. I missed most of it, so that question still lingers, but at the end they were at the funeral for this girl in the outback and there were these wide panning views of the geography, and I almost started crying! I miss australia SO MUCH. And it's totally something I can't explain. It's like my heart hurts because I just want to be there. I remember everyday walking down Norwest to college or church or work and, really a business park isn't the most picturesque place. But these massive eucalyputus trees lined the walk way and all the freaky colorful birds would fly around, and it smelled so good, and even if I felt like I was in a sauna I would find my self thinking, "I am so lucky to be living here. I love this country." I've never missed America like I miss OZ. Why can't I live there for the rest of my life? It's not fair. I was reading this morning, I haven't read in DAYS I get a lot of work done when I'm not "working". I'm reading this book Inside Afghanistan, about a christian aid worker who staid there through 9/11 and stuff. Well he had a long winding road before he got to Afghanistan, which was his ultimate dream, and part of his time was spent in Uzebekistan, where he had gotten a decent grasp on the language there. Well when he got to his "post" in Northern Afghanistan he found out that the team he was working with there were all Uzbeks, and he was so excited because he said his heart felt at home with them. And this is a southern boy from North Carolina! (Miracles do happen.) I could totally empathize with those feelings. I don't feel at home here. Definitely not in TX, but in the US in general. When I start thinking about it, like I am now, this heaviness just settles and I know I'm not supposed to be here long term. It was an easy feeling to live with a couple years ago when I was in Mesa, cause I knew I'd be leaving soon. I have no idea how long I'm going to be here at this point so I guess I mostly just try not to think about it.

I think it was in an article I read on Relevant recently where someone reference C.S. Lewis' theory on time. How as humans, we never feel comfortable living within the contraints of time because we were created for eternity. I LOVE that. It makes me think of the Delirious song, "Heaven is my home". But that still doesn't help me answer why I don't feel at home in this country but I do in another. I wonder if I'll ever feel as at home in another country as I do in Aus.

I'm hungry. It's almost 1pm and I'm still in my pajamas. Who wants to go to work with perks like these?

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Wow...props to Blogger on the new digs. Like always, it'll take some getting used to, but I think I'm going to like getting used to this. I also LOVE the new email-to-blogger feature. I will definitely be using that.

I've basicaly had a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head the past couple days, but haven't had a chance to get them out here goes.

A huge pet peeve of mine is when people think they've got all the answers. I hate that. Unfortuately it falls into that catagory of, "The things you hate in other people are things that are true about yourself." I act like I know what I'm talking about a lot of the time, and because I can be stubborn I don't like to back down. I"m learning though, and I think it's getting better. It really really bothers me though, when it comes to "gray" areas. Things that just can't be completely figured out in our humaness. I was watching Oprah today, and it was a show on transgender CHILDREN. Like little little kids that thought they were trapped in a body of the wrong sex. This one kid was born a girl, but always felt like a boy, and was suicidal at the age of 6 because she/he could be her/himself. The parents decided to let her/him start living as a boy and the depression lifted, suicidal thoughts were gone, and the "boy" blossomed as a person. I hated that my dad was watching this with me cause I know what he was thinking, and I know he thought he was right. Maybe he was, but I hate his attitude about stuff like that. There was some psychologist lady on the show that had all the scientific "facts" about what's going on with these kids and I'm sure she doesn't know what she's talking about either. The thing that bothered me the most was seeing the pain in the kids and parents eyes. You could tell they were suffereing. So I decided to blame it on the devil. He's a good out when you feel unjustice in a situation.
All the kids on the show, boys and girls said "My insides didn't match my outsides". Maybe they are possessed by a demon(s) that make them feel that way. I believe that's totally possible. Maybe it's the further consequences of thousands of years of sin being built upon sin. The generations are suffering. I mean if these kids were older I would blame it on the media, but when a four year old boy says he wishes his testicles would fall off so he could be a girl...I'm pretty sure he didn't pick that up on Barney. (though you never know these days). Or maybe the scientific stuff the "psycho" lady was saying is true. I personally have always struggled with the thought of people being born contrary to how God created man and woman (ex. People being "born" gay). But hello, we've kind of strayed a long ways from the Garden of Eden. Maybe people are being born with the problems as I said before, as a result of our sinful nature. I just don't think this is something we will ever be able to come to factual conclusions on. It's beyond us. We don't like to accept that not everything can be explained.

I was thinking today about hip-hop. I really like hip-hop. I love Outkast. I LOVE Alicia Keys. Missy, Kellis... I love Usher and Beyonce and Jean Paul. (Side note: Snoop was hilarious on SNL last weekend. He said white people need to stop saying "fo shizzle my nizzle" and go back to pig latin or some "white" language). But here's the exception to my love. I hate how allllllllllllllll hip-hop songs are about sex. Is it just me, or is there alot more to talk about in life than doing it? Or how hot a girl is, or how crazy a guy makes you, or how they all want to get on you. I mean even songs that are awesome like the new Outkast single "Roses" is about a girl. If you have any connection to the hip-hop industry no matter how big or small, I have a message and would be stoked if you could pass it on... "GET SOME NEW MATERIAL". Sex is played out. There is no shock factor, goodonya if you got 50 girls in one night (not really), I"m sorry your boyfriend left you...again, but freakin heck. I don't even care what people start rapping about as long as it is new. Politics, rain forests, what happened to the ghetto and shooting police? Let's go back to Coolio and "Gangstas Paradise" or Beastie Boys and "You gotta fight..." Someone could start writing about the unjustice that's been happeneing on American Idol this season and how apparently america has all gone deaf. Well I guess a song wouldn't really help if we're all deaf. But seriously AMERICA...YOU ARE VOTING OUT THE BEST PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????? That's all I'm asking. Let's start branching out with our rhymes. I'll do my part if you do yours. word.

um, well I honestly had a few more subjects that I thought I needed to rant about, but they have all escaped me. Which is probably good for you. It also means I"ll probably be back tomorrow. Pray that I get called into work though...seriously.


Thursday, May 06, 2004

I've had a revelation today. It was while I was standing over the copy machine for about 30 minutes making a million copies of invoices and printouts and other random accounts stuff.
I am not an office person.
Shocking but true. And how did I come to recieve this revelation you may ask yourself? Well you see, the copy machine here is pretty ghetto and kind of loud. BUT it has a GREAT beat. And so (enter moment of total dorkiness) I found myself totally into this copying because of the beat this machine had.
So, since I'm in my hip hop stage, the first thing that came to mind was, wow this could be a could rap loop. But then I was getting bored with the machine beat and the beat box in my head so I decided I could use the machine as a drum track for any style of music. Then I proceeded to put the beat underneath a country, rock, and big band song and then, my copying was done. And I was sad. Cause that was the highlight of my day.
I've known for a few months now that I don't actually enjoy working in an office environment, but it wasn't until today that I realized I didn't enjoy it because it totally doesn't suit my personality or strengths one bit. And I was SOOOOOOOO happy to realize this. There is light at the end of the tunnel! I am not going to be shuffeling papers and answering phones and doing nothing forever. Hallelujah!

I remember in eighth grade in my ELP English/History class they made us take those personality tests that are supposed to tell you what careers you would be good at. All of my top ones were in some sort of service industry. Social work, tourism/hospitality, teaching, food service, etc. I remember that my mom wasn't happy because that meant I was destined to a life of not earning much money, and not being considered upper crust in society. In eighth grade I had even less idea what I wanted to do with my life than I do now but I do remember thinking, "I can do better than these options". True be told I'm a pretty confident (egotistical, whatever) person and I truely believe that if I wanted to do something, I could do it. If I wanted to become a CEO I could, doctor sure, lawyer obviously. I still believe that. I don't know, maybe it's the American in me. But I think that this is how a lot of people live and plan their lives now. They look at what they could be, they look at the money they could make, and they go for that. Killing their soul, their body, their personality, and those around them in the process. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't fit. But if you work hard enough, and wear the sqare shape away, you can eventually force the peg in the hole.

I'd like to talk to the person that decided being a doctor, lawyer, or businessman deserves more clout and money than a teacher, policeman, pastor, or social worker. I think this might be headed towards some kind of utopian communistic statement. Which we already know looks really good on paper, but really bad in real life. I guess I'm just thankful that I have come to the point where I can be comfortable in my skin. I want to be the best I can be, not the best someone else can be. And I think I'd like it if people started respecting eachother more. Just because someone has 12 or 8 or 2 or 0 years of education, I think we all deserve the same level of respect. Am I wrong? Is there a reason that I should treat the immigrant janitors that clean up here worse than Execs? I can't think of any reason to. I think I would like to raise my kids in a different country where there is more respect. I've always wanted to raise my kids in a different country, although I don't think Australia is on the list of countries with respectful cultures. Ha. Definitely not.

You wanna hear a really bad story? It'll have to be quick cause I'm off in a few minutes.
So last night I got called to lead worship at youth group...that's a whole story unto itself which is not this story. So I didn't stay after the music because it was almost 8pm and I hadn't eaten dinner, my back was killing me, aaaaaaaaaaand it was the Dateline NBC Friends special. So I chucked my guitar in the back of the truck, but on the way home I stopped by this deli place to put in an application for some weekend work. I thought about putting my guitar in my cab, but i was going to be in there for like 30 seconds and couldn't be bothered. I went back out, looked for my guitar and..........
it was still there. But then I was driving home and talking on the phone to Liene and I forgot about my guitar. Plus by this time I was SUPER hungry, it was after 8, and I was laughing so I just ran into the house. Leaving my truck parked on the street, with my guitar in the open bed...all night long. Had NO idea.
So this morning I drive to work, and this building has a parking garage but it sucks so I always park on the street. I get out of my truck, and look in the bed, and scream. My guitar was still there, with a lovely coat of dew on the top of the case from sitting there ALL NIGHT LONG. So it's been in the cab of my truck all day while I've been at work. I"m kind of hoping that a robber walks by my truck, sees the guitar case and steals it because then I might be able to get a new car AND a new guitar. I have yet to open the guitar case and see if any moisture or anything got in. Lets hope not. So that's my story, and now it's time to leave. At least I didn't run it over... =)

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

This is a bit of God Chicks from her chapter on friendship and is a shout out to YOU. I laughed hard core. You know who you (plural?) are. =)

"Melancholy personality types are faithful and devoted friends, being moved to tears with compassion. Most have a very dry sense of humor and can keep you laughing at any time. When they send you an e-mail, it is gramatically correct, with no misspelled words-they actually use spell check! (They probably invented it!)...They tend to be pessimistic, often seeing the glass half empty. And because they like perfection and life certainly isn't perfect, they can become depressed when life and other people don't measure up to what they expect or want."

What's up party's been a while. See the problem is that I had a job last week where they actually made me work. Rude. And actually I'm going back there tomorrow. They really liked me, and I really liked them, it's a really cool office but they kind of make their temps do really crappy jobs. I'm not complaining. I promise. I'm hugely thankful. I'd rather be doing sucky stuff in a good environment than good stuff in a crap environment. And they have Starbucks coffee there, which is always a plus. But for today, and yesterday, I'm at another "nothing" job. I have really been quite productive. My arabic is progressing, and I was able to do some seriously good bible studying at work. I definitely recommend You can do all kinds of keyword or scripture searches, and they seriously have EVERY translation. Well, maybe not every, but a lot. All the ones you would probably want NIV, NKJV, AMP, MSG, NLT, NASB, and NIV-UK which I find particularly interesting. Plus a lot of translations I've never used. I've been reading through Mark, and man, it should be subtitled "You can't put Jesus in a box". The Guy is all over the map. In chapter 4 alone he does 2 healings and 1 exorcism. He never uses the same method twice. He tells the lady her faith healed her, the religious guy to not speak of his daughter that was brought to life, but tells the guy that was delivered to go home and tell everyone. ???? I love that you can't pin Jesus down. Because it's just further proof that he is so infinitely beyond us. You can pretty much label humans. As much as we try to be hard core and talk crap about not being able to be labeled we can be. We are predictable creatures of habit, which is probably why we like to try look for some kind of "formula" for healing and deliverence not to mention evangelism, prayer, the perfect church, etc. It's such a sticky area cause you have all the theologians and scholars giving definitions to everything and on the opposite side you have all the airy fairies saying God is in the trees and I think Jesus pretty much hits every point in between the two extremes. John defines him as "the Word" and "Love". Paul talks about His Spirit alive within us. No wonder people who are anti-christian say it's contraditory. Anyway, blah blah blah. If you haven't read Mark in a while, it's a good one. And it's decently short so if you go to you can like read it in a bunch of different versions, which is always fun.

The book of the week is God Chicks by Holly Wagner. It's ok. She's definitely a better speaker than writer. But I'm trying to teach my self how to read faster and this is a good book for that. I'm hoping that one day I can read as fast as Liene or krys. I'm a ridiculously slow reader for all the books I have yet to get through.

Um I have a few new favorite songs. If you haven't heard them, you definitely should. The first is "My Band" by D12 (Emenem's new group). It makes me laugh. The second song makes me laugh even more and I have to wear a diaper if I watch the video. "Roses", the new single by Outkast. They are brilliant and need Jesus. Basically the chorus is something like, "I know you prolly thank that yo sh- don't stank/but if you get a little closer you find/roses really smell like poo poo" Trust me, if you haven't heard it, it's good. I"m definitely going through a huge hip hop stage. There's some good stuff happening in rock, like Jet and Hoobastank. Oh man, ok another new favorite song is the new Hoobastank song, "The Reason". I heard it 3 times on the way home yesterday. Surprisingly good lyrics. "I've found a reason for me/ to change who I used to be,/ a reason to start over new/and the reason is you/ I've found a reason to show/ a side of me you didn't know/ a reason for all that I do/ and the reason is you". Obviously sung to a girl, but I think it's great. Definitely better than so many horrible songs that are SO degrading to women. As much as I like the beats in "take that and rewind it back", it still kind of shocks me that it's acceptable for songs like that to get airplay. Though I guess the booty smacking is probably consentual since she asks for one more dance. Same with Maroon 5, I love the beat and the instrumentation but not so keen on the words. Anyway...that's all for the Melanie Music Update. (And I can hear Leah and krys saying "thank God, the girl must have lost all sense of good music".) I promise I haven't. I'm listening to Caedmon's Call right now, does that make up for it?

I would now like to commemorate a milestone in my relationship with my dad. Last night, we were talking about Iraq and politics, and we *gasp* agreed on something! My dad and I rarely agree when it comes to politics. This is the guy that only listens to talk radio and thinks Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity are brilliant. He believes in big cars, big guns, big companies, big tax breaks, capitalism, and privatized medical care. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he votes party lines. (Side note: my dad's never been out of America, well except for Canada but that was for like a week.) Anyway, we usually clash on a lot of things mostly having to do with cars, guns, health care, and the war. We clash on the war a lot. Let me just say, I respect Bush as the president, I support him because of his position. I think it's good we got Sadaam, I think it's good that the grip of the Taliban has been weakened over Afghanistan. I despise the military personel who were cruel enough to torture the Iraqi prisoners the way they did, and STUPID enough to take pictures of it. Did they think they'd put it on their mantle when they got back home? So now a hand full of people have ruined any progress we had made in the region, have thrown the reputation of America further down the crapper, and according to one analyst have set us back TWENTY years. (Not surprisingly, some, if not all are from TX...)
So my dad and I were talking about this, and I wasnt' surprised that he was furious with the military for all this crap, he is a human, but he actually started to break and agree that we might be going about this whole war thing wrong. !!!!! He agreed that our efforts to create a peaceful, stable, democratic nation in a region that has been divided and warring since the beginning of time is probably futile. Not saying that we just give up and pull out, but that Bush and his leadership may need to modify their goals and tactics. Something else we were talking about was the oppression that is rampant in the ME countries that are stable, with decent economies. He proposed the idea that democracy only works when people have a mutual respect for eachother and are somewhat united. And the reason why the gov'ts have to be so controlling and dictatorial is because there isn't the level of respect and unity in the region. If there wasn't control, there would be chaos. Like when the USSR dissovled and Bosnia and Sarejevo went nuts on eachother. I dunno, I've just never thought of it from that pov before. So that was interesting.

Well I think this is freaking long and random, and it's also officially time for me to pee. =)

Saturday, May 01, 2004

As much as I'd like to, I actually can't disagree with this article. However, I would agree that the hours would have to be skewed by the huge ammount of part-time laborers in aus. It's the people with "normal" and "stable" jobs that probably fit the lazy aussie sterotype more.