Tuesday, May 25, 2004

I think I might be at one of the worst places emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually that I've ever been in my life. All at the same time, I feel like every part of my being is shutting down. I feel like those rip off hallow eggs you get at easter. There's nothing inside me right now, it's all rotted away and all that's left is like my brain stem that knows to tell what remains to wake up when my alarm goes off, drive to crap jobs on deadly freeways, and go to sleep after dinner. I know there are seasons in life, deserts and valleys we all travel though. But man, this is a bad one. One of the most scary things for someone who strongly believes in the sanctity of life and the value of humanity is when thoughts of not wanting to be here creep in. Don't pretend like you haven't thought about it. Everyone does when life sucks. I'm not suicidal, and frankly I'm to much of a wuss to ever carry anything out if I was. Although I did tell Joan I would slit my wrists and jump off a building if Diana DiGarmo won American Idol. Tangent.

Emotionally I'm completely lonely and sick of it. I enjoy time by myself, but I'm going on 4 months without any real friends, and that's out of control. I'm also drained from trying to maintain good relationships with each of my family memebers whilst living with them. Not an easy task. Let me quote Sara Groves in reference to an incident last night over a cell phone bill, "We just had a world war three/here in our kitchen/ we both (all) thought the meanest things/and then we both (all) said them/ we shot at eachother till we lost ammunition..." In the midst of all of that, my mom, in her anger revealed that for some reason she's really mad at me that I talk on the phone to friends at night. Gosh, she's like the only person I "hang out" with, if you even want to call it that. I clean the woman's house for her with out ever being asked, I clean HER bedroom, I make HER dinner as well as clean the kitchen. What the hell does she want from me?????? My dad is getting senial, and though he has a great heart, I know he hates the position he's in. The church is stuck, and pretends like they want to move forward, but they can all his ideas. My dad's a lot like me (or visa versa) and tends to be very melancholic and introspective so he's quiet and contemplative a lot of the time. My dad and I have almost never fought, definitely never like my mom and I, but the last couple weeks there have be a couple of "heated discussions" and I hate that. And all you really need to say about Matt is that he's 17. Why my parents loved me through those years I'll never know. I love my family and I'm thankful for everything they've done for me, but they're driving me crazy.

Mentally, it feels as if my thoughts are consumed with things in this world. Money, debt, cars, how to get more money to pay off more debt to buy a better car. How did I get here? I've never held these things close to my heart. I'm seriously easy to please, low maintenence, and I'm honestly happy with that. So why all of asudden the desire for more? And why does it seem to consume me? My dad put money down on a car today. It's a good car for cheap, and I'll probably end up having him fix a few minor problems and reselling it for quite a bit more. I like the idea of making money, but, I don't like that I have to use my credit card to do it. It stresses me out. What if it doesn't sell? What if I buy it, invest a couple hundred into it, then end up stuck with it? I'll still have gotten a good deal, but it's a good deal I can't really afford right now. But my dad thinks it's a good idea, so I'll go along with it. And who knows I might end up making a couple k's. Which would be good. Also, the whole job situation is annoying and stressing me out a bit right now. I have a job locked in for the summer which is like HUGE HUGE HUGE blessing, but I won't start into that until next week after L goes back home. However, until then, they want to keep me on as a "floating temp" to help out whomever needs help with whatever random projects. Usually this has been looking like frantic people needing help so badly, but not having the time to train anyone, so they just throw you into the deep end and yell at you when you screw up. First, I hate screwing up. Second, I hate being critisized. Third, I hate being critisized for screwing up on something someone didn't tell me how to do properly. I'm not going to complain cause I guess I could be sitting around on my butt not making any money this week. But I think I wouldn't have lost my sanity in such a short ammount of time.

Physically, I'm rediculously out of shape. My mom's got a magnet on the fridge that says, "I wish I was at the weight I was when I thought I was fat." Or something cutesy like that. I've been told I was fat and overweight for as long as I can remember. Even when I was probably in my best shape playing and training for sports in high school, I was always the "big" girl. Oh how I would love to back to those days of "bigness". I feel like I'm fighting an unwinnable battle. I eat healthy and exercise. I don't jump on to diet band wagons because when I do they never work, and I miss chocolate and coffee. Speaking of coffee, I've given up caffine completely and only drink decaf any more because I was drinking such large ammounts that it was wreaking havoc on my insides. Every morning I jump out of bed and do 20 minutes of yoga before I do anything else then in the evenings I go on jogs, or walks...depending on how ambitious I'm feeling. Usually it's a combination of the two. That probably happens b/w 3-5 times a weeks depending on what else is happening. I got a flat iron for my birthday, and wore my hair straight yesterday. The only problem is that my curly hair is actually quite well proportioned with my body and straight hair makes me look even fatter. What's a girl to do!?!

As if this hasn't been long enough, I could write a book on the state, or lack thereof of my spiritual health. This morning on the drive to work I started wondering if I met myself and I was someone else, if I would consider myself a Christian. I think I decided I would be "backslidden" or some other great religious term. My spirit's dry, and the gifts the Spirit has given me are all but dry too. When I do talk to God, He doesn't talk back. I automatically tune out in church, a couple people have approached me about leading worship, but it's really like the furthest thing from my mind. There are even few of my christian cd's I can listen to without gagging. (Although I will say that I just got the new Jeremy Camp worship cd from Sal for my birthday, and I was very excited about it. I haven't listened to it yet, but when I get a chance it's going straight into my cd player. Thanks friend.) I read through a few old blogs from about a year ago and I have come 180 degrees...but for the worse. I was listening to John Reuben the other day (one none gagging cd right now) and once again his song "Hindsight" totally summed up my feelings right now.

"i screamed to god out of frustration after another day of waking and hating the fact that i'm still where i'm at what's the point of all of this cuz i'm not seeming to find it is it meaningless i search the reason behind it because these moments seem to drag on forever and these years on end seem to have never been this desperation has formed repetition within to insecure to pretend and i'm too weak to defend here it comes again all in my world again left with no direction no beginning no end the days blend together and the weather never changes numb to the outcome but yet not quite painless aimless to whether or not i made a mistake and if so how far is too far before it's too late should i wait but then what would be too long to reverse the effects if i was wrong"

This needs to end. I need to do stuff. But I needed to vent.