Monday, May 17, 2004

I"ve never considered myself the type of person who lives a fearful life. There aren't many things that scare me. I'm not afraid of heights, speed, flying, or airline food. I"m not afraid of lonliness, or death, or eternal singlesness. I don't like pain (physical or otherwise), but I don't think I'm afraid of it to the point where I live a life trying to escape it. I'm not afraid of driving in DFW rush hour traffic, or being in front of large groups of people or even speaking in front of those large groups. And the list goes on.
However, there are a few things that I'm obsessivly afraid of happening in my life. This is one of the biggies. I'm afraid that one day I could be writing a version of this man's personal story.

One of the few things that has stuck with me beyond my YWAM days was something our speakers on the topic of relationships said. It was something to the effect of, "Men struggle with what they see; women struggle with what their mind sees." And for me at least, that is the absolute truth. I am glad that I can say (cautiously and humbly) that I have never intentionally looked at porn. And that the one time I accidently found it while cleaning out files on a computer (long story) the Holy Spirit jumped out of me and immediately closed the window. Even during the few short minutes it took me to delete those files though, there was a war raging inside me. I can still hear the enemy trying to seduce me with cries of "curiosity". I can hardly remember a time when the power of God was more real to me.

Since that breif moment, I haven't been tempted by porn. The bigger struggle exists in my mind, where my imagination runs wild and loves to create impossible and probably ungodly standards for a potential future husband to live up to. I'm not really into reading fiction, but I know a lot of women get hooked into reading slutty romance novels. My weakness lies in chick flicks. Movies that depict perfect and therefore unattainable "lust" relationships. There doesn't even have to be sex in a movie. I'm pretty sure there's no sex in "While you were sleeping", but depending on my spiritual and emotional health at the moment, that movie could probably bring serious destruction. But if it all just stays in your head, and you know it's just fantasy then that's ok, right?

There's a passage of scripture in the New Testament (don't ask me where...maybe James? who knows.) That talks about temptation leading to thoughts that mull around in your head, then thoughts turning into thoughts of action, then actually turning into the action itself. I'm sure I screwed that up, but you get the picture. If temptation gets a foot hold in our life somewhere, thoughts don't stay thoughts for long. I know this is true. And I'm so afraid of the havoc that could wreak on a life that is purposed to succeed and glorify Christ. Crashing in a flaming ball of addiction and sin is not how I want to go. Not that I want to speak this prophetically into my life in anyway, but I'd much rather go as a flaming ball of flesh and fire for the gospel of Christ. In reality I'd rather not see either.

Some people hold the belief that the things you fear in life will eventually come true cause you put all your energy into thinking about those things. I'm hoping and praying that the opposite is true. I'd much rather be made aware of all the sinful desires of my heart, those things I fear could take me out of the race too soon, and be aware that they are there so I can 1) commit them to God and ask for help, 2) watch for warning signs and 3) have my friends and sisters in Christ hold me accountable.

Like I mentioned a couple posts ago, this looks like an issue that is going to try and turn grey on us. We like terms because it gives us a place to put blame besides our selves. People no longer lack self-control, they are sex addicts. Heaven forbid we deny ourselves the "right" to having the internet in our homes and work places, because we might (or might not) look at inappropriate stuff.
I'm not saying that real problems don't exsist, I'm just saying that we live in a Prozac happy world. We want a quick fix without digging up rotten roots. I think this is one issue that, as much as it tries to go grey, will always be black and white in my book.

Lord, save me from myself. I know my flesh, and where it could lead me. Teach me to find strength, self-control, complete satisfaction, and unconditional love in You. Don't let me walk this road.