Wednesday, June 30, 2004

So guess who didn't go to work today. oh yeaaaaaaaah.
Well not so much. This damn pink eye won't go away. It was getting better but then yesterday afternoon and this morning it got so much worse. So my boss wouldn't let me come in, cause she's afraid I'm going to infect the whole office and then they'll really be screwed. Don't know if I'm going in tomorrow. It really depends on how I feel in the morning. I'm doing ok right now, but it hasn't really been good all day. So lame, seriously.

I must say, the break has been nice. I was starting to go psycho and counting the hours until I leave for AZ. 1 month and 7 days. orrr 37 days. that's not a lot. I can make it. Lord...help me make it. We have this monday off for 4th of July so that will help too.

So today I was so lazy. soooooo lazy. I watched Kissing Jessica Stein 3 times. Once with commentary, which was fabulous. Seriously, this is my new favorite movie. I don't think I've ever had a favorite movie before. I mean I go in phases, Shrek, Finding Nemo, Two Weeks Notice. Then there's always they classics I can watch a million times, Grease, Apollo 13, Clueless (yes it's a classic), You've Got Mail. But I wouldn't say any of them are my favorite. My Fair Lady is my favorite musical, Beauty and the Beast is my favorite disney movie, Dumb and Dumber is my favorite idiotic movie. But there's never been an over all, hands down, flat out this is my favorite movie. And I think this one might be it. So watching it with the commentary really inspired me to write, cause it was the two girls who play the main characters and wrote and produced the movie comentating. And it was like here is how our dream came to be. Very inspiring. It made me want to be a playwrite. I don't think that's happening. But I did write a lot this afternoon. I'm not sure what I'm writing. It's too long to be an article, too short to be a book, it's not fiction, or biographical, or self-help, or "christian living" (what kind of genre is that anyway?) we'll see. I'd like to write a book one day.

So I did that, I played a lot of piano, and did some really Spirit lead praying which is always refreshing. I'm so excited to go home. Have I said that yet? sigh. I'm also insanely jealous of all these people going to australia. And all these people getting married. Today I talked to a friend from YWAM who was telling me about the thousands of people from my DTS that are either allready married, or are getting married. I SO WANT TO BE MARRIED. Not just dating, courting, in a relationship. I want to be married. How ridiculous is that? Seriously. I'm way too young. Way way too young. But I feel so ready. If that's ever possible. At bible study a couple weeks ago, the week I lead worship, we were talking about the service that morning and all the girls were like "It was so awesome, blah blah blah". And then this one girl started on this tangent about "I saw you up there and was thinking, man some guy is going to be SO lucky to get her. She's such a catch". And I was like, wow, I have to idea what to do with that. But before I could say anything the two other girls chimed in and were like "yeah totally". One of them was like, yeah I was thinking that too, but like how you are going to get the man that we are all going to want. And I was like "What the hell!" I didn't say that tho, cause then they probably would have just recanted their statements. But seriously it was so out of the blue, but I totally took it and claimed it as prophecy from the Lord. ha.

Well I think I might go to bed a bit early and try to get some rest so I can get better and go to work tomorrow.
37 days

Monday, June 28, 2004

I just watched one of Michael Moore's first movies on the Independant Film Channel. It was called The Big One and was basically his book tour for "Downsize This" video taped. I've never seen a MM movie before. Basically cause I thought he must be some crazy liberal, left-wing, commie, jerk.
He's actually probably a lot more patriotic than I care to be, and one of the more compassionate guys out there. I was seriously blown away. Not to mention that this doco and the book and everything was about the evils of corporate America...which REALLY motivates me to go to work tomorrow. One of his big things was to go to companies that were downsizing or had recently downsized during a year of record profits and give them one of those huge ceremonial check type things. Except he wrote the check for like 80 cents and said it was to pay the first hour of labor for their first employee at their new plant in mexico. My company totally out sources a huge portion of it's customer service to Mexico. Which is actually really funny because they aren't all fluent english speakers. One of the ladies I work with a lot speaks fluent spanish, and refuses to speak to them in spanish. I love it. Anyway...

I found this really interesting website this evening when I was doing some research on ministries that serve homosexuals. I think there's about 2. Anyway, don't judge this book by it's cover, cause of all the sites I went through, I think this one actually had the best content. It could definitely use some design help, but I'm kind of a form over funtion girl anyway. So the site isStonewall Revisited You should check it out.

And now I'm checking out.
Peace out.
Out.

If anyone was scared for life by my guestbook, I'm sorry and I fixed it. If you didn't be glad.

More after work...

Sunday, June 27, 2004

I think I'm about to be really honest (and really long winded). And I might get some crap for it...or not. But I'm ok with that.

I just watched this movie this afternoon called, "Kissing Jessica Stein". Now if you've seen this movie, or know about it, let me preface this by saying, I had NO CLUE what this movie was about. "Bad move...so why did you watch it?", you say. Well I remember hearing about the movie when it first came out and just thought, "that is the coolest name for a movie". I have no idea why. It's not like, "Napoleon Dynamite", now that's a cool title. I don't know, I just always liked the title. Even when I saw it in Blockbuster I'd think, "that sounds like a good movie cause the title is so cool". Never mind I never bothered to find out if it was any good. So this afternoon it was on HBO, and I happened to turn it on right as it was starting so I watched it. I'm trying to figure out how to summarize it quickly so I can get on with my point. I guess it's about a thirtysomething who is unlucky in love and everyone is telling her that she's too picky about her men and needs to compromise. (which right there I had major issues with) Anyway, she answers a personal ad for "a women seeking a women" though she is very straight. Ends up in a serious some what long term relationship with the "personal ad lady" who eventually dumps her and they end up being best friends and Jessica Stein gets back together with the guy she should have been with all along. I probably totally just botched that up, but you at least get the jist.

I absolutely loved this movie.

First of all, it was so well acted, and so well written. It was hilarious and smart and witty and for a movie about lesbians surprisingly not "PC". Example: the girlfriend is having a conversation with a couple of gay co-workers, and one is mad at her because she is dating a straight woman and you "can't just go gay" and he uses an illustration saying how he couldn't just "go black". And she comes back and says, "Yeah, because you weren't born black." Implying gay is a choice. What was the last movie out of hollywood to even go there? Yeah I don't know either. Then again I don't watch a lot of movies.

Anyway, blah blah blah, still not to my point.

So I'm watching this movie and putting it into the context of the book on modesty that I've been reading and wondering what types of things these two girls went through as kids and what their story is. I was realizing how incredibly naieve I am, and how on one hand that's not necessarily a bad thing, but on the other hand, I think I'm a lot more out of touch with the world than I'd like to admit. Some people might think that's good too. The world is an evil, sinful, horrible place. The more I'm beginning to realize how evil, sinful, and horrible of a place it is, the more God is softening my heart for the evil, horrible, and sinful people that populate it.
Humans are really good at decieving themselves. I know because I do it all the time. I tell myself speeding isn't a sin, that white lies don't count, and that chocolate chip cookies are good for me. And when I'm away from God, I tell myself that it's ok even though I know it's miserable. The only reason I know it's miserable though, is because I've been on the not miserable side. If you've never experienced "great" then of course you're going to settle for "good" not knowing what you're missing. Today people are desperately trying to convince themselves that they are happy. And I think a lot of them truly believe they are happy, only because they've never known the Joy of the Lord.

So I'm watching, forgetting that it's a movie and that these are not real people, and wishing that I could be in their lives and show them real love.

Ok rewind. I've never understood the Christians that stand around with signs that say "God hates fags". Cause I'm pretty sure he doesn't. My first interaction with homosexuals that I can remember was in jr. high when our youth pastor took a few of us into downtown phoenix for an AIDS march, i think we were supposed to be raising support for a christian organization that helped babies born with HIV because their moms were infected. So I mean eighth grade, not a super high maturity level, and having been raised inside the very tight walls of an evangelical family and church family this was like...weird. However, out of the few of us that even chose to go (cause there were going to be "gay" people there you know) I was the one who seemed to be the least reactive. I remember a couple of kids in particular who totally lost it once we got back to the church. Like screaming. Their family left the church shortly thereafter. For other reasons I'm sure. Anyway then I went through my phase of using "gay" as a derrogatory adjective and thinking "that's so gross" because I was a christian and that's what you were supposed to think. (Tangent: I've noticed "gay" making a come back in the highschoolers at Lake Ridge and it's really lame.) So then in highschool there were these girls in a couple of my classes who were "together". It kind of creeped me out, but they were normal enough otherwise. One of them was my partner for drivers ed so I kind of had to get over it just to combat my own insecurities and weird factor. Since then God has continued to use other situations to rid me of my homophobia and really see gay people through His eyes. You can't really live in Sydney for any ammount of time and be a homophobe. Even within the Hillsong bubble.

So I'm watching, forgetting that it's a movie and that these are not real people, and wishing that I could be in their lives and show them real love. (yeah i copy and pasted that)

I would love for God to allow me to be involved in some kind of ministry to homosexuals. not the kind that tries to make them straight, or tell them that they're going to hell, but just the kind that shows them love. I don't even know if that exists. Or if that's even a ministry or if it's just relationship building. Or if those two things are synoymous. Ministry and relationship building. But I'd like to be involved in it. I don't know if there is a spiritual gift of homosexual tolerance (quite differant to acceptance might I add) but if there is I think I might have it, cause I know a lot of Christians, esp. here in dallas that would probably lean more towards the picketing side than the loving side. At this point I have no idea how that will ever fit into my life at all. Like how is God going to encorporate that into the things he's already shown me for the future? And that's why He's God.

Do I recommend the movie? Yes and no. It's called, "Kissing Jessica Stein" for a reason. And there's not just kissing. If you can honestly say that that would be within God's "what is permissible for me" boundaries in your life then I'd say go for it and have you finger on the fast forward button. If not, then don't cause it will definitely be a stumbling block.

And now I'm going grocery shopping cause I'm almost out of food.
peace.

I went to Morning Star Church this morning. Seriously, I've considered staying in Dallas just so I could go there. It's such a great church. Definitely the friendliess church I've been to around here.

My eyes are still killing me. It's so hard not to touch them. I feel like a little kid. I'm getting better at putting the drops in. Sometimes they land on my eyelid and i just kind of tilt my head around until it gets into my eye. Whatever works.

I'm giving a girl a guitar lesson in about 10 minutes. I have NO idea how this is going to work. She's a college student and a niece of this lady that goes to Lake Ridge. She's played piano forever, so it will help to not have to go over "this is a staff". But still I have no idea. I pretty much told her that flat out too, and she was cool with it. So I'm excited to just kind of use her as a guinea pig to figure out how to give lessons, cause it's something that I would like to start doing, and most likely will start doing in the fall with some church stuff. And even after I told her I had no idea what I'd be doing, she still said she wanted to pay me! $10 for 30 minutes every week. What kind of college student is she? The even funnier thing is that I haven't been able to replace my D string that I broke last week in church so I'm going to be trying to teach someone guitar on a gimp guitar. right. I'll let you know how that goes. latah.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

So hey everybody, guess what???
I've got pink eye! and not just in one eye, but both! yay!
I have no idea how I got it. Even the doctor this morning was like, this is really weird. Yeah, can I just say that the greatest idea in the world is to have dr's offices open on a saturday. Last night my mom told me that if I woke up and my eye wasn't better that I had to go to the dr, and me trying to avoid going to the dr cause I really don't like it at all said, "but dr's aren't open on saturdays". Well the guy that plays drums at church owns his own clinic aaand it's open on saturday mornings. So I lost that battle, but it's hecka better than having to take time off work on monday to go in. So I'm getting a prescription filled for eye drops, which could be interesting because I am so crap at eye drops. Basically anything going near my eyes freaks me out. I would so rather go to the dentist than the opthomologist. You know when they blow air into your eyes? That always takes like 10 times for me, and the lady that does it always gets really pissy. And since I'm the only one around here, and there's no one to hold my eyes open...it could be interesting.

I had a dream last night that I was engaged to the most gorgeous man. I was really upset when I woke up and it was just a dream. Not just gorgeous hot, but gorgeous godly. I don't know who this man was, but if he exsists, I would definitely like to meet him. And he was really big...not like tall, or fat, or scary weight lifter, but more rugby player or something and that's a quality that's on my "not neccesary but preferred list". well not really a list cause it's not written, but it's in there. there being my head. Since i'm not the most petite girl in the world I would really like to have a man that is big and at can make me feel safe and protected. And the guy, in the dream, drove a really hot mustang. Like a really nice fixed up classic one. And we were at the beach I think. It was a super dream.

Last night this girl claire and I hung out. It was really cool. There was a free concert at the dallas museum of art and it was soooooo good. Not just any concert by Branford Marsailis and his jazz quartet. Since my dad plays sax, I pretty much grew up listening to this guys records (yeah records) so it was really cool to see him live. Jazz blows my mind. Claire is a music major too so it was really cool to be there with someone who could appreciate it. I also wish my brother and dad and krystle could have been there. random? maybe, but I know they all would have loved it. Oh and leah...she's fun to go to stuff like that with. Not like "oh and leah" like I forgot her...um, never mind.

Um so now I'm off to decontaminate my home from my pink eye germs so we can have sunday school here tomorrow.

hasta.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Yeah. Relevant is back. Seriously go check it out. I'm so glad they've returned.

And also, TGIF. hallelujah

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Ok so I walked Chip, played some piano, and got a mint oreo blizzard from DQ. I'm totally in a mint oreo phase right now. I think I'm ready to blog some more.

So yeah if you hadn't noticed, Relevant had been in a bit of a slump lately. I would like to say that in my opinion, the batch of articles they had up today dug them sufficiently out of said slump. What more stimulation do you need than thinking about Christian ghettos and being a coffee snob. So if you haven't checked it out, you should.

Last night I had the weirdest set of dreams. It think it was 2 or 3 consecutively that were a mish mash of australian places (hillsong) with Mesa friends and family. As I told Krys, my poor subconsious is so confused.

People ask me if I miss Hillsong/Sydney all the time. And I do. ANd I don't. But I think today, maybe for the first time, I was able to put all of my contradicting longings into one complete thought. More than missing it, or wanting to be back there, I think I am jealous of the people who are still allowed to be there. My time there was obviously over. I felt it was cut short. Gods timing is not our own. And truthfully I wouldn't want to be there for all the money in the world, because that's not where God wants me right now. I don't forsee that door opening up for a while. Not never, just not for a while. And that hurts. Cause I miss it.

On the other hand, my heart also hurts with anticipation for getting back to Mesa and "my" church there. It's weird cause in a way it will be like walking into a new church altogether. I'm just starting to realize this. By time I get back it will have been 20 months since I was there for any significant ammount of time. I know how much I've changed in that time, and I know people there have changed as well. I'm excited, and slightly nervous. I just don't want to go in with a lot of assumptions ya know. I want to go in allowing for the change that's taken place.

Well I have yet to touch on modesty. That shall have to wait. Praise God that tomorrow is friday!

I'm totally going through blogger withdrawls. I haven't been able to write for a few days, so I'm kind of scared about what might come out.
I guess I'll start with last sunday since Jack is saying I'm not nice. It seems so long ago. I guess the reason I didn't write about it sooner, is cause it was such and exhausting experience and I hate rehashing things like that cause then I just end up feeling exhausted again. Leading worship always drains me. Every time I've ever lead worship I just absolutely crash for the end of the day. Anyway...sunday was good. There were two services, and first service is notorious for being asleep. Which they were. And it kind of freaked me out, cause we were so pumped and had so much energy..then to get up there and be greeted with a sea of stone faces...it was rough. I also broke my brand new D string (randomly) so I had to lead 2 songs guitarless...which was weird. There were a couple cracky/croaky vocals as well...too damn early to sing. I was really shaken up though and after we went off stage I just went into the bathroom and talked to God. Or pretty much just told him, "I'm so not going back out there" "And I'm not talking about Job again, cause people looked at me like I was a lunatic" Choosing obedience is so flipping hard. When you know there is somethign God is telling you to do but it goes against every ounce of humanity in you. Second service was hecka better. I went back up, I talked about Job. We were all more awake, and man we were just such a team. Like in first service when I lost my guitar, Ben totally took the lead and just ran with it and I mean the way we all gelled is a freaking miracle of God for only having had two rehersals and for most people only meeting eachother that week. Anyway, second service, people were a lot more responsive and there was just a lot more freedom and yeah. It was really good. I found out at bible study sunday night that one of my friends grandpa's was really challenged by the Job blurb. I was like some 80 year old man who has seen more life than I ever may, who has recently just gone through several rounds battling cancer, was challenged by something I said. Ok.
I definitely question whether or not I have what it takes to do that for the rest of my life. I mean I know I will always be involved with leading worship through music in someway, but it will definitely take a strength that comes from God.

There's a lot more I want to say. I need to talk about Relevant (it's so back in full force), about modesty and femininity, Mesa, faith and the lack there of, work, my crazy dreams. I just don't really want to right now. I'll get to it. Um, that, and my dog is like standing here begging me to take him on a walk. And since my family is gone this week and he is my only friend, I shall oblige.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

So tomorrow I'm leading worship. At Lake Ridge. I'm wondering if I'm going to get my dad fired. The music's a little louder (not a lot cause they have such a crap sound system), and a lot more guitar driven (cause we actually have guitarists that can play), and a lot more rock based (cause we're young ya know), however...IT SOUNDS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. I have never lead a group of musicians that is 1. this talented, 2. this willing to speak up when they have new ideas, and flow with the ideas that I throw out 3. this spiritually mature and 4. this flexible, and this willing to sacrifice their time.
Because we are all pretty much busy working people, there were huge scheduling conflicts as far as practice times went. So we got one in last sunday after church. So we'd all already been there for probably 3ish hours, then had about a 2 hour rehersal. They were so cool with it. Then when we were talking over practicing this week, the only night we could all make it was friday night. Everyone was so willing to give up their friday night to practice. Unheard of. Not only did we practice last night, we ended up practicing for 3 hours. I felt like I was at Hillsong again. But everyone just wanted to keep going over stuff to make sure we were solid and really prepared. Never have I had someone else ask me if we could go over a song again. I'm always the one that's like "Come onnnnnnn, one more time." I feel totally blessed, and spoiled.
And when I say that it sounds so good, it sounds SO GOOD. Not even considering that we are a team that has only met together within the past week. Some people hadn't even met eachother before, and we've only had 2 practices. IT's just so totally a God thing. And we laaaaaaaaughed. Oh my gosh, the funniest people.
I've noticed a lot of differences in my leadership and stuff too. It's been sooooooooooooooooo long since I've done anything like this. Not counting the couple times I've lead for high school or whatever, but I dunno that doesn't really count. I'm talking about leading a service. I think the biggest thing I've noticed in myself is a new level of confidence, which totally stems from a more solid understanding of who I am in Christ. I used to be soooo threatened by other people who were more talented or more knowledgeable musically than I. I felt like because I was the leader that I had to be the best or something. I had to have it all. There were probably some pride issues at work there too. But I've noticed this past week just the ability to say "I have no idea, what do you think..." or for instance we're doing this song for offertory that is pretty much all picking. They're easy chords and stuff, and I can play it but 1. I can't play it and sing at the same time, and 2. My guitar sounds pretty crap compared to the other guys beautiful Taylor. So this guy starts playing full on John Mayer stuff for sound check and I'm like DUDE...you are so playing that song! He can play it better, his guitar sounds better, and he can sing beautifully at the same time. A couple years ago, I never would have admitted any of that I don't think. I guess it's just being confident in the talents God has given me and those He hasn't and also knowing that my worth doesn't come from those talents. I can't even tell you how freeing that is.
I'm really excited for tomorrow. Really really. If you read this in time, and think about it, I would totaly covet your prayers. I guess the thing I'm most concerned about is that simply because this is going to be differant than usual that people will be distracted and see it as a performance. I just want there to be such a presence of God and such a sense of humility and sincerity in worship that people are drawn into worshiping Him. Also, I am concerned about some backlash from the older, more conservative, more reluctant to change people. I'm not having them sit during the "slow" songs (gasp) and just dumb stuff like that, that is so engrained in their tradition, and "that's the way it's always been, that's the way it should be" thinking.
So yeah...that's all for now. I actually have to go down to church and fix some powerpoint slides that were wrong. And how am I going to get to church? By driving my car of course. =) I'm so loving it.
Oh by the way, if anyone wants to fly one way to Texas and then drive to AZ with me in august so I don't have to drive alone, you're more than welcome. Or if you live in Texas and want to drive to AZ then fly back, that is also an option. =) Latahs.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Sooooooooo I'm on hold with my crap cell phone company. Correction, my mom's crap cell phone company. We got a monster of a bill. Some of it is straight up my fault...kind of...but that's a long story. For that you can reference the "Cell Phone Bill War" of about a month ago. Anyway they charged me for text messaging...MY PHONE CAN'T EVEN TEXT MESSAGE. They also charged me for roaming calls in Houston, when my phone said it WASN'T roaming. what the bleep. So I figured I would take this time to be productive and blog. Mean while I'm getting a massive kink in my neck.
Where do I begin?? It's been such a long time.
I'm doing really good. Really really really good. I don't know how to expound on that, except to say that God is good, and faithful. aaaaaaaaaand now I have a live body talking to me on the phone telling me that my phone CAN text message. Jesus give me grace.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Well I have good news. However, I'm in sensativity training, so I'm not going to go all hog wild about it.
I bought a car today. First, that's a really weird thing to say. Second, it's just an absolute testimony to God's faithfulness. My mom even said so, and that's amazing.
After work tonight, my dad and I looked at about 4-5 cars. They were all a good price, but all would have needed to have some work done. And all had well over 100,000 miles. I had called earlier on a Saturn that was for sale, and we were in the area so we went and took a look at it. Can I just say that it is EXACTLY what I have been wanting this entire time that I have been looking at and thinking about buying a car. Exactly. It is in such good shape, relatively low miles for the year, it's a 1995, well maintained, and the abundance of God's blessing manifested it self in the form of an awesome cd player. hallelujah. And seriously...got such a good deal on it.

And the best thing, is that finally...FINALLY I can put this whole car saga to rest, and get on with my life. Like registering for classes. Yeah, you'll be hearing all about that soon enough. As for now, I need to go straighten my hair.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Praise the Lord, we sold the Probe.
There's a lot of other stuff I need to get out, but it will have to wait. Right now I'm looking at what classes I'm going to take next semester so I can enroll soon, and I'm looking at cars. And I need to go to bed, but I'm kinda buzzing right now. I'm sure if I tried I would crash hard though.
Yeah there's a lot to say. I'll get back to you.

Saturday, June 12, 2004


Did I mention that he's a musical genius too? Well he is. Just genius in general. This is our newly painted red music room, a big step for my mom who thinks painting things beige is extreme. Posted by Hello


He is a total model. My mom was reading him a book, and I was just going to take a picture of it, and he turns right as I'm taking it and says "CHEEEEEEEESE". Posted by Hello


Ah! I'm just so in love with this kid. I don't even really know what else to say. A picture is worth 1,000 words. Posted by Hello


Still at the rodeo. The hat didn't last that long. Really, I think it just distracted from his cuteness. Good thing that old lady in the background was posing. Posted by Hello


How cute is this kid. This was at the rodeo on friday night. My mom bought him that cowboy hat, and he kept saying "Howdy partner!" Posted by Hello

Thursday, June 10, 2004

I just listened to the clips from the new Hills cd. sigh. About 10 of the 15 songs we were singing while I was still there. Which makes me happy. I so have this urge to pre-order it, but it's flipping $20US and I know that when it's released here, I could probably get it on sale at Family Christian for $10. Will my Hillsong loyalty win out over my "frugality"? Will Batman destroy the evil villain for good? Stay tuned. Same blogger time, same blogger place.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I miss Hillsong so much. Like it doesn't ever really go away, it just ebbs and flows. I miss it, especially when I get emails from people telling me all that is going on. It kills me. What's even harder is that I'm not feeling called back there in the slightest. At least not anytime soon. I mean who knows what will happen 10 years down the road. People keep asking "When are you coming back to college, blah blah blah". It's like they are all expecting me to come back. My friend Krysty Kay has even started burping out loud in my honor! This is the girl who used to claim she never farted or burped. When I watch hills tv, it's so surreal. When I see the worship center, it's like, home and I find myself thinking about being there on whatever the proceeding sunday will be. Cause I forget that I don't go to church there any more. I so wish God would release me to go back there. My visa is still good until January. I know I'm in Dallas for a reason. But I was in Sydney for a reason too. Why can't I still be in Sydney for a reason? Blah blah blah. I think I'm going to bed, cause I need to be awake for work tomorrow. (That last sentence was slightly laced with sarcasm.)

Monday, June 07, 2004

So i'm not sure what the deal is with my posts publishing twice. Definitely annoying. I think I deleted all the copies. Let me know if weird stuff keeps happening.

So here's the other thing. God is freakyweirdcool. Not to be confused with TLC's "crazysexycool". Although He probably fits that bill too.

This day was just so all over the map. I can tell He's doing something. I don't know what it is. But I'm comming alive again. I don't want to share this story cause, I dunno why, but I feel kind of compelled to so I guess I will. On my way home from work today, L called with some really shite news. I was kinda ok while I was talking to her, but then when we hung up, I totally lost it. (In case you were wondering, I would not reccomend crying and driving in rush hour traffic.) When I answered the phone she said, "So I won the crappiest day award", and I mean as much as I can't even put myself in her shoes, when you're friends you do carry eachothers burdens. Anyways, I lost it, crying in traffic thinking, "God what the hell. This is so not right, SO NOT RIGHT OR FAIR OR GOOD OR BLESSED OR ANYTHING OF YOU!!!!" I thought of Job, and maybe it's good that she's not married right now, cause that would probably be stripped away too. I probably spent about 5 minutes, not being angry at God, but just so overwhelmed with "I don't understand". Sometimes that's harder than anger, cause it's easy to put blame somewhere, but when you feel that there is no apparent reason for certain circumstance your head just hurts. So after I realized that I should compose myself so I didn't wreck the car out of no where I just started singing, "My hope is in the name of the Lord, where my help comes from Your my strength my song." It wasn't even like I was singing, it was like someone was using my vocal chords and singing with them. I haven't even heard or thought of that song at all in the longest time. So then it just stopped after that first line...BUT I was reminded of what I had read in Darls' book "Kiss of Heaven" that I'm sadly still in the middle of, when she was talking about praising God as a form of warfare. Not focusing on cursing Satan, but lifting up God's name. I'm telling you, if there would have been an unbeliver in my car, I could have given an altar call, and they would have been saved. The presence of the Holy Spirit was physically tangible. I just started singing that song, and I started out quite, but then for some reason i just started screaming it. I'm not joking people, driving down the freeway screaming worship songs...people probably just thought I was talking on my hands free. After a couple times through it just turned into a stream of another language comming out my mouth, still at the top of my lungs. Screaming! Then probably like 10ish minutes before I got home, I seriously FELT the presence of the HS. It was this crazing tingling, that started in my fingers then like crawled up through my arms. Again, tingling hands and arms not so good for driving, but I figured God was driving by that point. It just kills me how out of the box God is. Totally no box what-so-ever. So as I'm rounding the corner on to my street, stil screaming, still tingling, I'm like dude I need to stop, my family is going to freak. I was so overwhelmed though. I mean for 1.It's been a long time. 2.I never, ok not never maybe 2 times before have I actually FELT the presence of God. He doesn't touch me, He talks to me, and today he wasn't talking to me, he was touching me. In my car. On the freeway. I can't get over it hey. My arms were still freaking out for about 20 minutes after I got in the house. I was thinking as I was talking to the fam...what would they say if I told them the Holy Spirit was "closer than my skin" right now.

Like I said. Something is happening. It's good. That's really all I know.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

if you live in the DFW area and want to get a really good deal on a really hot car you should go to cars.com and buy mine. =)

I love and hate when God starts pounding you with confirmation about something. I love it because it reminds me of His faithfulness and grace. I hate it because then the ball is in my court to obey. He can show me a path all He wants but I have to do the walking.
The thing is tho, the more God confirms, the more the passion and desire builds with in me. Sometimes I wonder if it's just the idea and pursuit of something new that I get excited about. Going somewhere new, doing something different, experiencing a different culture. But I think God has been putting an honest compassion and love in my heart.
One of the things I love about having my aunt and uncle around is that we actually talk. We communicate. Even the 4 memebers of my family. Maybe it's just having new blood around. Anyway, after lunch today my dad, uncle, and I sat around and talked for a really long time. The conversation wove in and out of many topics, but at one oint we were talking about the war. My aunt wasn't in on the conversation but had walked into the room at that moment, and said something like "We should just nuke the whole area". I got so so so mad. I mean, mad. It was just such an ignorant, American, blanket statement. Yes, let's just kill millions of innocent people. That's a super idea. Some other stuff she said about religion in that area, and belifes just really upset me. Like 1. How can you belive the American media, and 2. Christians can be/ have been asses too.

If the same discussion would have taken place a year ago, I definitely think my response would have been different. Just bein' honest. Me and Andre 3K.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Alright so I think I figured out photoblogging... all on my own. =) I want to be really girly about that picture and talk about how fat I look. But I won't cause no one likes hearing about that. Anyway, I just wanted to expirament with photoblogging, and that was a good excuse.

So my aunt, uncle, and cousin are here. The cutest, smartest 2 and a half year old IN THE WORLD. I'm sure there will be lots of pictures of him posted in the next few days. And Liene is still not here. Just in case you were wondering if she came back. She didn't. Jerk. Kidding.

I also owe you, my blog audience, a story about a poetry reading at a cafe that involved a big black man singing in his boxers. Well...
Tuesday night L and I decide that we want to go out for the night. Or maybe I said "We are not staying at my house." I don't remember. Anyway we decided to go to this cafe place in a section of Dallas called Deep Ellum. It's kind of known as the "artsy" part of town. Lots of clubs, cafes, "weird" stores, etc. It's also in the ghetto. Anyway, we found the cafe we had intended on going to called Cafe Brazil, but then found a cooler one called Insomnia. Yeah, which would you rather go to. So we go there and really there's nothing happening, caues it's like 8pm on a stormy tuesday night. But we get some coffees and sit down and chat. Good chats. Good times. (Here I would like to write a little aside and say how it's totally a blessing and a curse to have friends that know you well and are able and willing to speak the truth in love into your life.) So we find out that at 9pm every tuesday they have poetry readings. And you have to understand how great this is, cause L HATES poetry. So I was laughing. I don't think they actually started the thing until closer to 10ish. ANyway, it was storming so bad that the guy running the cafe LOCKED the front door cause the hinge was broken and the door kept opening and slamming shut with the wind, and rain was comming in, etc. So there we sit, trapped in a cafe with poetry readings. So this HUGE black guy came in and was a "regular" as far as I could tell, his name was Robert, and he had just walked from his church to the cafe. Or so he said. So Robert said he wanted to sing tonight, even though it was poetry night, and the guy running the show who was a grown up Steven Steinbrink said "Ok". Someone started the thing with an original and then Robert came up to sing...in his green boxers. He apologized and said his jeans were drying after having walked to the cafe in the rain. He said he was a God fearing man and was ashamed for singing in public in his boxers. He didn't look ashamed. He proceded to sing two "songs" (i don't think they had a definite melody...maybe he was singing in the Spirit) one when he had first started dating his most recent girlfriend, and the second from 3 mos. later when she left him without a word. It was really weird, and I didn't know whether to laugh, or cry, or say "get a grip man". We sat around for a bit longer until L couldn't take anymore then we drove home in the most ridiculous rain ever. The End.

I'm going to go say good night to Nathan.


Leah wanted to see my short hair. So it's not THAT short, but hello short for me. And this is when it's straight...it's like half this short curly. Those are also my new glasses for those who haven't seen them. Posted by Hello

Thursday, June 03, 2004

I'm stealing this from L but it's really really funny and you should try it. I didn't get around to it until just now, but I needed that laugh.

Go to Google

Type in "weapons of mass destruction" as your search

Click the "I'm feeling lucky" button NOT the google search button and read the warning. Hilaaaaaarious.


So it's almost 6:00pm, I've been at work all day, and I"m still not awake. I hate the transition from vacation mode to work mode. hate. Who wants to wake up a 6am when the day before I didn't wake up until nearly lunch time. booooo. But I did it, and I got to work and did NOTHING ALL DAY. So annoying. There was so much nothing to do that they sent me home an hour early. I was hoping to get home early to work on the car, but alas and alack traffic held me back. wiggy wack. jack. don't give me no smack. or I'll knock you off track. freestylin and I don't lack an abundance of rhymes I wish I was black.

Anyway, I also feel like I'm missing my right arm, or those little kickable dogs that follow you around and bite your heals. Not that there is a comparison b/w a best friend and a limb, or a dog, but that's just how I feel. It's amazing how quickly you adapt to situations and then when things return to "normal" you feel like something is wrong.

So I got my hair cut. Not just trimmed. Cut. It's short. Too short. But it'll grow back. Wiggy wack. When the lady cut it, I had her straighten it...it got kinda screwed yesterday so I did it curly this morning which made it that much more shorter. I have layers in the front that won't go into a pony tail. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that it's not what I was expecting at all. I think I'm definitely going to have to wear it straight more often until it grows out a bit cause it's just like..so short. I don't know if my hair has been this short since the "Great Mistake of Sixth Grade". If you didn't know me then...which none of you did...be glad. They called me mop head.

Um so I think I'm gonna go. Oh but first I have a cd rec. You should DEFINITELY get the new Passion: Hymns cd. Even if it's just for the last track. But the rest of the cd is really good as well. I really love hyms, mostly cause the words are so meaningful, and a lot of these songs are arranged or instrumented in a more palatable way. Good stuff. Aight peace out dawg.

I'm stealing this from L but it's really really funny and you should try it. I didn't get around to it until just now, but I needed that laugh.

Go to Google

Type in "weapons of mass destruction" as your search

Click the "I'm feeling lucky" button NOT the google search button and read the warning. Hilaaaaaarious.


So it's almost 6:00pm, I've been at work all day, and I"m still not awake. I hate the transition from vacation mode to work mode. hate. Who wants to wake up a 6am when the day before I didn't wake up until nearly lunch time. booooo. But I did it, and I got to work and did NOTHING ALL DAY. So annoying. There was so much nothing to do that they sent me home an hour early. I was hoping to get home early to work on the car, but alas and alack traffic held me back. wiggy wack. jack. don't give me no smack. or I'll knock you off track. freestylin and I don't lack an abundance of rhymes I wish I was black.

Anyway, I also feel like I'm missing my right arm, or those little kickable dogs that follow you around and bite your heals. Not that there is a comparison b/w a best friend and a limb, or a dog, but that's just how I feel. It's amazing how quickly you adapt to situations and then when things return to "normal" you feel like something is wrong.

So I got my hair cut. Not just trimmed. Cut. It's short. Too short. But it'll grow back. Wiggy wack. When the lady cut it, I had her straighten it...it got kinda screwed yesterday so I did it curly this morning which made it that much more shorter. I have layers in the front that won't go into a pony tail. It's not that I don't like it, it's just that it's not what I was expecting at all. I think I'm definitely going to have to wear it straight more often until it grows out a bit cause it's just like..so short. I don't know if my hair has been this short since the "Great Mistake of Sixth Grade". If you didn't know me then...which none of you did...be glad. They called me mop head.

Um so I think I'm gonna go. Oh but first I have a cd rec. You should DEFINITELY get the new Passion: Hymns cd. Even if it's just for the last track. But the rest of the cd is really good as well. I really love hyms, mostly cause the words are so meaningful, and a lot of these songs are arranged or instrumented in a more palatable way. Good stuff. Aight peace out dawg.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

I'm feeling a slight bit like Donkey right now...

"I'm all aloooooooooone, there's no one here besiiiiide meee".

Yeah, sing a sad song, Liene's gone and now it's back to the real world. I'm going to try and not go off on too huge of a winge but, you have no idea how sick I am of saying "good bye" to people. I feel like for the past 3 years all I've been doing is saying good bye. It sucks a lot. A LOT. I'm over it. It's time to say "hi" and stick around in one place for a while. I think that's one thing about marriage that is appealing to me right now. Even if you get annoyed at eachother once in a while, at least there is someone you won't have to say good bye to. I think after I dropped L off I cried maybe 5 tears...not that I was counting, there would have been more except I was trying to navigate my way around a strange city. Actually last night before I went to bed, I wrote some stuff in my jounal that didn't end up half bad (we went to this cafe that had a poetry reading night last night, so I was in a really weird mood). I might get that up sometime...but it's kinda sad. Anyway...

I have to have to have to write about the cafe last night, and liene, you are not allowed to until I get a chance to, but I have to go to bed cause, damn it, I have to wake up in the morning. What is that about????? Night.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

This is me having nothing of super importance to say, but having blog withdrawls. I love my blog. (}) Anyway, um, I did want to say thanks to everyone who emailed, called and commented after the depressing post. And thanks for not going crazy and telling me I'm not saved or something whack. I'm actually feeling really really good right now. Sunday I (we) went to Morning Star for church...I love that church. I seriously think I might start going there on a regular basis. I know a lot of my "valley issues" right now have to do with personal descisions and stuff, but I think a lot of it also has to do with a crappy church and no solid teaching. So I was kind of bummed cause their senior pastor (who is awesome) wasn't preaching that morning, but as per usual God knew what was up. This guy spoke about being people of great faith, not worrying, doubting, building yourself up, etc. Ok rewind before that tho...we sang an old skool United Live song (old skool as in 2001 off the Best Friend album) I think it's called "Fall on us Lord", I dunno...but it was weird cause Bec Mesiti wrote it and I like know her, and it was weird to be on the other side of the world singing a song written by someone you kinda know. Anyway...it's all about the Holy Spirit, and after we sang it (the first time) the pastors wife got up and totally had this word about people needing to open back up to the Holy Spirit. How we go through times where we act like teeagers, and we don't want to listen to Him and just want to do our own thing. Funny how at that point I was still acting like that...God get off my back already...I'm going to figure this out ok. Right. It did start breaking some walls down though. That combined with the sermon chisled a sizable crack in the concrete that's been put around my spirit. I've been in the Word a bit the past couple days and God's been speaking to me, and I've actually had a couple moments in the shower or while I was reading where I'd just start praying and tongues and not be able to stop. My chest is starting to feel lighter, and I'm starting to remember what life is all about. All this combined with laughing A LOT with liene has made for a fantastic week. And as much as I really really really don't want her to go (or actually want to go with her) I'm excited for this summer, and working, and I dunno what really. Going to the Hillsong tour? ha. Anyway, I'm out for now. Just needed to write. Hasta.