Thursday, June 24, 2004

I'm totally going through blogger withdrawls. I haven't been able to write for a few days, so I'm kind of scared about what might come out.
I guess I'll start with last sunday since Jack is saying I'm not nice. It seems so long ago. I guess the reason I didn't write about it sooner, is cause it was such and exhausting experience and I hate rehashing things like that cause then I just end up feeling exhausted again. Leading worship always drains me. Every time I've ever lead worship I just absolutely crash for the end of the day. Anyway...sunday was good. There were two services, and first service is notorious for being asleep. Which they were. And it kind of freaked me out, cause we were so pumped and had so much energy..then to get up there and be greeted with a sea of stone faces...it was rough. I also broke my brand new D string (randomly) so I had to lead 2 songs guitarless...which was weird. There were a couple cracky/croaky vocals as well...too damn early to sing. I was really shaken up though and after we went off stage I just went into the bathroom and talked to God. Or pretty much just told him, "I'm so not going back out there" "And I'm not talking about Job again, cause people looked at me like I was a lunatic" Choosing obedience is so flipping hard. When you know there is somethign God is telling you to do but it goes against every ounce of humanity in you. Second service was hecka better. I went back up, I talked about Job. We were all more awake, and man we were just such a team. Like in first service when I lost my guitar, Ben totally took the lead and just ran with it and I mean the way we all gelled is a freaking miracle of God for only having had two rehersals and for most people only meeting eachother that week. Anyway, second service, people were a lot more responsive and there was just a lot more freedom and yeah. It was really good. I found out at bible study sunday night that one of my friends grandpa's was really challenged by the Job blurb. I was like some 80 year old man who has seen more life than I ever may, who has recently just gone through several rounds battling cancer, was challenged by something I said. Ok.
I definitely question whether or not I have what it takes to do that for the rest of my life. I mean I know I will always be involved with leading worship through music in someway, but it will definitely take a strength that comes from God.

There's a lot more I want to say. I need to talk about Relevant (it's so back in full force), about modesty and femininity, Mesa, faith and the lack there of, work, my crazy dreams. I just don't really want to right now. I'll get to it. Um, that, and my dog is like standing here begging me to take him on a walk. And since my family is gone this week and he is my only friend, I shall oblige.