Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Holy crap I have to vent.  I'm at work.  It's slow today.  That's not why I'm venting.  And also, because I know at least what one person will be thinking, no one can see my monitor.  It faces a 2nd story window.  Anyway, venting...there is this girl who is a newish temp who likes to touch me.  Seriously.  It pisses me off.  And if I wasn't leaving in a week and a half I would probably complain about it cause it's totally in appropriate.  I don't even know this girl.  She doesn't even like me, and usually is really bitchy towards me.  But she likes to come along when I'm standing at the fax machine or talking to someone and poke me in the side, or like tap her fingers on my back when she's passing by.  GOOD LORD, DON'T FREAKING TOUCH ME! 
The other night, Liene said she's probably possessed.  I agreed, but think it would probably be frowned upon to perform an exorcism at work.
It's not like I'm even an anti-touch person.  I'm not like the most touchy feely person ever, but I've definitely gotten over a lot of my awkwardnesses in that area.  But you don't touch people in the work place.  Especially people you don't know, and especially not like that.  If you've worked with someone for years, and they're having a bad day, or a break down, or something that's one thing, but not this.

oo...ok I have work now...later.

ok well I fixed the "block quote" thing.  But the rest of my formatting is screwed up and I don't know why, or how to fix it.  So if you know anything about that and would like to help me, I'll give you all my secret info so you can bust into my account.

On another note, I found the RADDEST web site today.
It's the best online radio site I've run across.  They have the best fave so far being "OZ Rock".  Seriously, all the great music we don't get over here in the Crap Music States of America.  And the other cool thing is if there is a band or artist in their pre-set play list that you don't want to listen to, you can "deselect" them and some what personalize your own play list. awesome.  Check them out.  It's totally free.  Lots of good jazz, modern rock, indie rock, standards, etc. too.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Someone at work asked me if I was excited to get back to school.  What came out of my mouth shocked even me.  Here's what I said: (Right now I'm going to use the new block quote button just for curiosities sake.) 
"I'm not so excited to get back to school, but I am excited to stop having to pretend to be an adult in a corporate environment.  I want to be a kid again." I can't get it to un block quote.  ha.  Anyway... I actually said that to someone.  And she laughed, but with hesitation.  She wasn't like a boss or anyone with too much power so it was probably ok.  But I think that statement was far more telling than I realized at the time.  I've been thinking about it since yesterday when the discussion took place.  I think I pushed my self to grow up too fast.  Those four years out of high school, that most middle class American kids dedicate to college, are such great transitional years.  You gradually get introduced to being an adult.  I mean I'm sure there are people who party their way through school and end up possibly less mature than when they entered, but for the most part students who desire to succeed in life end up graduating having a better grasp on adulthood than when they entered.  I haven't had those years.  I thought I was ready to be an adult when I graduated high school.  Afterall, I was eighteen and the government said I was an adult.  I could feed myself, dress myself, drive myself, work for myself, and could do everything else that indicates adulthood.  I was smart, mature, and could trick a lot of people into thinking I was older than I actually was.  But that was the problem.  It was all just a trick.  My insides hadn't caught up to my outsides.  It's like that movie with Robin Williams...I don't remember what it's called, and I don't think I ever actually saw it.  But he has a disease where he grows really fast, and so he looks 30 but is really only 10 or something.  I had to pretend I was an adult because the choices I made after high school were adult descisions.  Kids don't graduate and move overseas...twice.  They graduate, don't make a choice, go to college, study something they hate, choose to study something else, hate it, change again...all the while paying $28,000 a year.  I think I did a really good job last year of pretending to be grown up.  I went to school full time, worked part time, somehow supported myself, paid all my own expenses, and impressed a lot of people by my incredible maturity and ability to act so old at such a young age.  My job this summer has brought me to the breaking point.  I've had to dress, act, and talk like a corporate zombie and after only two months, I'm screaming to get out.  I'm not asking for less responsibility, or to return to a junior high maturity level...God forbid.  And maybe I'm not even resisting "Adult World" (Mean Girls anyone?), more like dreading the idea of becoming like the adults I see around me.  I don't regret any of the things I've done since high school, and there's no way in the world I would trade them in for a more "traditional" route through my twenties.  But I do wish I would have somehow been able to avoid Adult World for a while longer.  It's harsh out here.  I don't know how to navigate these waters, and I feel like I've been thrown in "sink or swim".  A part of me feels like I will at least be recieving a life boat in the next few weeks.  Not that things are going to get easier, I don't think that at all.  I think things are going to get much more difficult than perhaps they've ever been...yesssssssssssssssss.  But I feel like for the first time in a while I'm at least going to have the freedom to be me.  No more pretending to be a "suit", no more faking that I have it all together when I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  And maybe a bit of a chance to learn more about being grown up before actually having to be there.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

I've been reading a book on writing.  It's called "Beyond the Words"  and I guess is a follow up to the first book this lady wrote.  It's pretty good, but my problem right now is with the words.  I"m not beyond them, I need them.  Once I have the words then I can move beyond them.  I have this perfectionist side to me, that scares even me at times, and it won't allow me to write things unless I know it's good.  The exception of course would be here, which is why I think I love blogging so much.  For some reason it's the area that I can truely just relax, release, and process in.  I've been learning to let myself be bad at things though.  You have to start out being bad at things before you can be good at them.  Right now I'm trying to teach myself some jazz piano, and it's BAD.  Not Michael Jackson bad, but finger nails on a chalkboard bad.  I wish I could remember the name of the person that said, "Jazz is playing all the wrong notes at all the right times".  But when you're learning how to put those wrong notes together in the right way, it sounds like crap.  But I'm allowing myself to sound like crap because I really like playing, and I really want to see if I can become semi-successfull in this endevor.  It's so hard though, to realize that I can't be good at everything right now. 
Another example.  I've decided that I need to start running.  Now I walk all the time, and have done so for, well I guess since I moved to Sydney and didn't have a car.  But I came back here with no money for a gym memebership and thought, well at least I can walk.  SO I walked.  Now I run.  Kind of.  I'm a horrible runner.  I mean BAD.  And as of yet, I still can't run my whole route.  I will say though that it's at about 60/40 right now, which to me feels like a huge acomplishment.  But I've discovered that I don't hate running as much as I thought I did.  It feels really good, and I really wish I could call myself a "runner".  Like you know those people that you talk to and they're like "Yeah I went for a 5 mile jog today".   And you're like "what the hell you freak, I watched 5 episodes of 'I Love the 90's' today".  But it was so hard to let my self even start running because I knew I would be bad at it.  And I  was a good walker, so why give up something you're good at for something you're going to suck at?  I don't know.  But it's been a running theme this year.  And it's been incredibly freeing.  It kind of ties in with being able to admit that I'm wrong.  Which has just been a recent development over the past couple years.  It's so good though, when you realize you've made improvements and that you don't suck so bad.

And now I have to go give a guitar lesson, which is another area I'm working REALLY fast to not suck at because in a couple months I"m going to have to be fairly competent at it. 

Friday, July 23, 2004

So much to little time.

I decided today that I'm definitely too weak to cop it in the corporate world.  Spiritually speaking.  I end up going two opposite ways...totally joining in and embracing the way they view or becoming extrememly introverted and shying away from even the most surface conversation.  If you are a Christian and you have the gift to be able to live out your faith boldly, and relevantly in the corporate world.... DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The rest of us can't, we need people called to that mission field as well.  Part of me wishes I was, and part of me is glad that I'm not.

I finally closed out my australian savings account today.  How funny is that.  I've been meaning to this whole time, but just never got around to it.  I bought a calling card today so I could check up on krys and I thought, hey I should call and get my money.  My hard earned $20.70 AUS.  Which is almost $15.00 US.  I must say I'm quite a fan of the exchange rate when it's coming this way.  At least it's better than it used to be.  But not as good as it used to be if you're going the other way.  So yeah in a couple days that money will be in my St. George account, which I still have my eftpos (debit) card for and I will desperately try not to spend it all in one place.  Actually that sounds like a nearly full tank of gas, so maybe I will spend it all in one place.  But then if you think about it, buying gas isn't really spending it all in one place cause you drive all around.  Riiiiiiiiiight.

So I did check up on krys...and leah, but only by default, not that I didn't want to...anyway.  I'm jealous, but my heart isn't hurting, which is good.  I think it's too excited for AZ.  Which will happen 2 weeks from tomorrow. yessssssssssssssssssssssssss.  Although i will say that I had a dream last night that I flew to Sydney.  It was weird cause my friend Kate got married, and so I felt that GOd said it was ok to go down there for that, but not to do anything or see anyone related to Hillsong.  Which was weird, since that's how I know Kate.  And in my dream, the flight was so fast, and I was flying with a guy.  Like he was with me, we were going together.  I dunno, it was a nice dream.
Oh so cute.  I was talking to the cute little aussie customer service girl at ING when I was closing out my account, and I gave her my new mailing address and she pronounced Mesa like meh-sah instead of may-sa, and Mesquite like mess-quit instead of mes-keet.  It was funny.  I laughed.  But not at her cause I felt bad...poor woman, I had to tell her I was from Texas.  I'm not from Texas.  But she probabaly got off and was like "I had a Texan on the phone".  And I probably sounded like one too, cause I do.  Sometimes. 

I bought my first car insurance policy today.  Very exciting.  I can't believe I've gone all these years of driving and never once had to pay my parents for insurance.  They are cool like that sometimes.  Either that or just forgetful.  I'm sure at some point they told me I would have to pay them something.  But hey, I'm not going to remind them right?  But yeah it was so super cheap and I can transfer is to AZ when I get there.  Something like $245 for 6 months.  I couldn't believe it. 

And on that note I think I"m going to go buy some more text books on  Woo hoo!  I think buying text books is equal to buying bridesmaid dresses.  You pay an exorbadant ammount of money for something you only use once.  Lame.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

I went to tower records today to buy the new Jamie Cullum cd.  I've been wanting it for ages, and they have it on sale for $8.99 this week.  I highly recommend it.  He's kind of a British male version of Norah Jones, with a Harry Conick Jr. twist thrown in.  Really good stuff.  Amazing voice.  And all recorded in analog.  If you care.  I also got Stephen Duloiasdjopaien  cd called Me Died Blue...I've ben wanting that for ages.  And that's not really his last name, but it's close.  He's the former lead singer of Burlap to Cashmere.  I would also highly recommend this cd.
I would also highly recommend that you go visit  This guy has an amazing guitar curriculum, and it's all free.  And I'm ripping it all off for my students.   I'll probably make some modifications here and there, but seriously, it's really good and really thourough.  He's got an awesome series on Improvisation if you're like me and past the basics, and yet not genius enough to figure the cool stuff out by yourself.  But yeah at least go to his website since I'm taking all his stuff.  ha.  Not taking credity for it though.  I left the copyrights on there.  But seriously, why reinvent the wheel???  I mean really.

This won't be long...I have to go make lesson plans for guitar stuff.  I have no idea how to do that.
You should go read that article.  Hmmm, I don't like how there is not an option to give your link a title and not have that ugly nasty long thing there.  Anyway, it's a super good article.
And right now, I would like to celebrate and thank God for good music, cheap clothes from the Gap, amazing friends, and jazz.  That might be like good music, but it deserves it's own catagory right now.  I would also like to celebrate for orange juice which I love.
And I'm off....wish me luck.

Friday, July 16, 2004

oh my I've missed you so.  And LOOK! there are new "things" at the top.  I can pick a new font. And I can change the size. And I can make it bold or itallic.  OO OO and I can change the color!  Wooooooow.  I love blogger.  I'll never leave you for so long again.
Ok.  Well that was fun.  I actually quite like this font and size and color the best.  For now.  Man it's totally like a word tool bar up there.  You can justify, use numbers or bullet points or spell check...which I won't be using so don't get your hopes up.  Oh and now krystle is on the phone so I'm going to go and finish this later I promise.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

I was trying to go for a whole week without writing in here. Why would I torture myself like that? I am blog dependant. The funny thing is that even when I don't physically write, I still blog in my head. Sometimes it helps, but then whatever random thing I'm thinking at that moment doesn't really get written down somewhere concretely. Whatever.

So there's this song in Kissing Jessica Stein called "Crazy Eyes" by this mad jazz trio out of new york. Dave's True Story and the first line is something like "You have a green eye, and the other one is blue". Something like that. It's about a person with two different colored eyes anyway. This morning I woke up and my right eye was BLOOD red. And I laughed and started singing, "I have a red eye.." When I got over the humor of it, I realized that it actually looked like shite and didn't feel much better and I should probably have it looked at again. So on my way to worked I called the dr and made an appt for this afternoon. She gave me allergy drops and said if it doesn't get better in 2 days to go to an eye dr. I'm praying these things work cause guess who has no eye insurance. I doubt I could even afford an office visit.

The reason I didn't want to write for a week is because I'm trying to save my words for "real" writing. The problem is, I've found, when I have all this other stuff waiting to get out, I can't focus on "real" writing.

I've been writing a lot about faith. Faith is a weird thing you know. In our sophisticated and scientific age so many people have tried to claim that faith is only for the uneducated, or people who aren't in tune with themselves and need a crutch to help them through. I think it's pretty obvious that humans were created with a need to have faith in something, unfortunately it's usually the wrong thing. Even though they don't admit it, I think most people know intuitively that this world and this life is way too much for them to wade through on their own. So they put faith in their intelligence, career, in their wealth, or talent, or popularity, or beauty, or whatever. Look around, and you'll notice that everyone has faith in something.
And funny how that's not even close to the aspect of faith I've been "marinating" on. (At least I know Tara will laugh at that.)
I've been thinking more personally about how my faith changed, evolved, and grew over my year in Sydney. It's been really interesting disecting all these bits and pieces of me. Hm, that sounds like a good title for a cd or something. "Bits and pieces of me" or "Me Disected", I'm all over the place. And um, I'm going to have to end this for now, cause dinner is on and I'm starving. But I'll be back. It's good to be back.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

I'm going to Celebrate Freedom in a few minutes. I'm not really super excited about it. It's basically this huge free christian music festival. What's not to be excited about you ask? The artists are some of the most sought after in the CCM world. SCC, POG, AA, FFH...if you knew instantly who all those people/groups were, you should really listen to more Outkast. I'm just not so into that whole scene anymore. Anyway.. I almost backed out on the people I"m going with, but something is compelling me to go. Sometimes I really hate that sense. That's what brought me back to the States and sometimes I'm still mad about it. But usually when I follow that prompting, there is something on the other side that God knows about and I don't. A conversation, an observation, a lesson to be learned, a life to be influenced. Who knows. My eyes are feeling better but i really don't want them to flair up again, I'd much rather stay home and read and write and play. But I'm going...and It will be good.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

I think I'm going crazy. Like possible clinically insane. Seriously, just look at my posts for the past week. How unstable am I? I stayed home from work again today. Well I was going to go in this afternoon, but I don't know if that's going to happen. All I needed was to get my prescrpition refilled. It's taken like 4 hours. Seriously, then I got to the pharmacy, and what I thought was going to be $10 like last time was like $45 so the lady told me to go home and call my insurance company. SO I did that and the lady told me why I had to pay $45 dollars but I didn't understand what the hell she was telling me. Seriously I've never been on such a crap insurance plan in all my life. That sounds so middle class America of me. And I'm glad I do have insurance. Really glad. But geeze, can't they make insurance plans user friendly? come on. so i had my prescrption sent to wal-mart right. The real wal-mart not the Neighborhood Wal-Mart grocery store. When I walked in I think I started having a panic attack. I think that's only the 3rd or 4th time I've been in a real wal-mart since I've been back. It still freaks me out. There is something inherantly evil about that store. I feel like walking in there is like walking into the book 1984. I think I stopped breathing while I was in there or something. And I looked at the faces of everyone that was in there and they all looked like mine. Or at least looked like mine felt. Which was, "Get me the hell out of here". Like they all know they are miserable shopping at wal-mart. They all feel the evilness too. But it's cheap, so we go right? ANd now, praise the Lord, there is one on every street corner, so it's convenient. And I mean really, who doesn't want to go grocery shopping while getting their oil changed? There's something very, very wrong. I almost started crying in the store. I told you I'm going nuts. Maybe this is why I need to work, stay distracted and entertained. If left alone with myself for too long I start to go crazy. Last night I couldn't fall asleep because I had too many ideas floating around. Too many ideas and no idea how to get them out of me. It was like constipation of the imagination. Crap, I should just become a rapper with rhymes like that. Seriously though...they were all in my head, a million of them...some of them were good...and no skills to put them any where. SO they just kept swirlling and it felt like there was a tornado in my brain. I must have fallen asleep at some point. I think I need to collaborate with someone. Ya know? Need someone who's smarter than me, more talented than me, more experienced than me to like bounce stuff off of, and let them rub off on me. I'm just too...I don't know creative? psychotic? ADHD for normal jobs. I should go to AZ next week. I shouldn't wait until August. I should go now, pass my family on the road and tell them, I'm leaving.
But no, I have to go back to wal-mart. Back to get my freaking $45 dollar eye drops. They better work. The funny thing is my eyes are feeling ok right now. They haven't felt this good in a week. Pray that I don't vomit in there. And stay away from wal-mart...far, far away.