Sunday, July 25, 2004

I've been reading a book on writing.  It's called "Beyond the Words"  and I guess is a follow up to the first book this lady wrote.  It's pretty good, but my problem right now is with the words.  I"m not beyond them, I need them.  Once I have the words then I can move beyond them.  I have this perfectionist side to me, that scares even me at times, and it won't allow me to write things unless I know it's good.  The exception of course would be here, which is why I think I love blogging so much.  For some reason it's the area that I can truely just relax, release, and process in.  I've been learning to let myself be bad at things though.  You have to start out being bad at things before you can be good at them.  Right now I'm trying to teach myself some jazz piano, and it's BAD.  Not Michael Jackson bad, but finger nails on a chalkboard bad.  I wish I could remember the name of the person that said, "Jazz is playing all the wrong notes at all the right times".  But when you're learning how to put those wrong notes together in the right way, it sounds like crap.  But I'm allowing myself to sound like crap because I really like playing, and I really want to see if I can become semi-successfull in this endevor.  It's so hard though, to realize that I can't be good at everything right now. 
Another example.  I've decided that I need to start running.  Now I walk all the time, and have done so for, well I guess since I moved to Sydney and didn't have a car.  But I came back here with no money for a gym memebership and thought, well at least I can walk.  SO I walked.  Now I run.  Kind of.  I'm a horrible runner.  I mean BAD.  And as of yet, I still can't run my whole route.  I will say though that it's at about 60/40 right now, which to me feels like a huge acomplishment.  But I've discovered that I don't hate running as much as I thought I did.  It feels really good, and I really wish I could call myself a "runner".  Like you know those people that you talk to and they're like "Yeah I went for a 5 mile jog today".   And you're like "what the hell you freak, I watched 5 episodes of 'I Love the 90's' today".  But it was so hard to let my self even start running because I knew I would be bad at it.  And I  was a good walker, so why give up something you're good at for something you're going to suck at?  I don't know.  But it's been a running theme this year.  And it's been incredibly freeing.  It kind of ties in with being able to admit that I'm wrong.  Which has just been a recent development over the past couple years.  It's so good though, when you realize you've made improvements and that you don't suck so bad.

And now I have to go give a guitar lesson, which is another area I'm working REALLY fast to not suck at because in a couple months I"m going to have to be fairly competent at it.