Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I'm not sure where this entry is going to go, but I'm feeling the need big time. I would probably write this all out in my paper journal but that would take forever and a day.

Sunday was a big day in the life of Trinity Baptist Church. I don't know if it was the first time anything like this has happened, but I would probably bet it was. Our worship pastor's wife, who has been suffering with Fibromialga and like some myofacial blah blah blah I can't pronounce stuff, was pretty much totally healed. Like the sickness progressive and there is no cure for it, and it hardens up all your joints and tissues pretty much and is really painful from what I understand. And to make a really long story short, after all was said and done, she was moving more freely and smiling and feeling less pain than she had in a year and a half. It was awesome. On the other hand, since sunday, I feel like everything I believe and know has been thrown into a blender on super-ridiculously-fast speed and just keeps whirring around in my brain. There has been no rest. Even while I'm asleep it's still spinning. I keep trying to get into the Bible, knowing that that always brings a halt to my speculations and questions with solid, timeless truth. But even that has been stirring up more questions and more blending. If it doesn't stop soon I'm afraid my brain is just going to be one soupy puree and I'll just lie in bed all day paralyzed by my overthinking.
Part of it is really weird because I knew God was going to do something "out of the box" last sunday. He had been pressing that upon me so heavily all week. I think in my mind I had built it up to be something else, and so when everything started "happening" during the last song after the sermon, I knew that it was what God had been preparing me for, but not what I had hoped for I guess. Which sounds lame to say, but is true I guess.
I'm finding it really hard to seperate the emotional from the spiritual right now. How is faith different from just really really wanting God to do something. Faith is based on some aspect of God's truth you say. Ok, well Jesus says some pretty crazy stuff that can be totally misinterpreted. How many horribly wrong "health and wealth" prechers stand on the truth of "Ask and you shall recieve". That is a truth that you can put your faith in. But somewhere there is a line that we cross into our own desires. And I'm having a hard time determining whether I"m truely having faith or if I'm just wanting something so badly that I've convinced myself it's faith. I'd been praying for Denise for a while, not as long as some, but we talked a few weeks ago, and ever since then I really have been praying and believing she would be healed. Her faith for it was huge, and she knew she would be healed eventually. She also has some theological ideas about healing that I necessarily wouldn't agree with. For instance, the thought that anyone can be healed by faith. Or by just believing. To that I say, ok what about Liene who's been sick for 2 years and I know there are people believing for her healing. I think Nate put it into good words the other day when we were talking about all of this that subscribing to that type of thought is a beliefe of bondage that makes the gospel about man, and not about the grace of God. It's really dangerous.
We prayed for Liene on sunday, and God did something. She was feeling crap all that morning, and the pain that she'd had in her back for ages was gone. And yet she's still not sleeping well and felt crap yesterday morning. So was that healing just for that day? Is there some cosmic process at work? If God doesn't intend to ever fully heal her on this earth, is it wrong to keep praying and believing and having faith for that since you would be having faith for something that was outside the will of God? What about all the people that have told me that it absolutely is the will of God for people to be healed. What about the pastor at Hillsong whose mom had breast cancer and they prayed and believed for years for her healing and as they were in the hospital still praying, and still believing she died.
In some ways I wish I could think, well God can heal but he's much more concerned about the heart, and about our spirits, and about seeing people saved. But what about sickness that prevents people from being a part of all that. Or is it a matter of us just knowing that God is bigger than we can imagine, and works in ways we will never comprehend and where we see sickness and defeat He is working and using that person still?
I feel like this whole debate within myself is consuming me, and using up all of my mental, emotional, and spiritual energy. I don't think that's healthy because there is so much more to God, so much more to following Christ, so much more to reaching the world than just physical healing. Again, I'm sure some would disagree, but Jesus' ministry was not a "healing ministry". He did heal people, but he also taught, and ate with people, and spent intimate time with His Father, and spoke against injustice, and did a million other things.
I want the blender to be unplugged and taken to a field with a baseball bat "Office Space" style. Even if I don't have answers to my questions, I just want to be able to rest in God's goodness and move on.
Jesus, show me your truth. I don't think I'll ever fully understand in this life, but help me to get some perspective and make your priorities my priorities.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

I need to blog. Like an old fashioned, rambling on, processing, venting, destressing blog. The only problem is, where do I begin?
Let's begin with God. Since he's the Alpha and Omega, that's got to be a good place right? I need more of God. I need much much more of God. I have had so many challenging conversations with people recently about faith, belief and unbelief, the state of the church, yadda yadda, and I'm feeling like I've been far too complacent for far too long. My days are full and busy and could be fuller and busier if I so chose, but there is not time to NOT spend time in prayer and in the Word. I've been so slack on that, and God is kicking my ass. I will see people healed, I will see broken people made whole, I will see the church restored but God can only use me in those things to the extent at which I will allow him to use me. I need to get sin out of my life. Honestly, I struggle with lust a lot. It's always been a struggle for me, and there have been seasons where it's been worse than others. Right now it's not particularly bad or good, but it needs to be gone. I know that ultimately God gives us the power to overcome our crap, but right now I'm not even choosing to overcome. I'm just letting thoughts come in and freely roam my mind with out taking them captive. I need to be far more diligent in this area than I have been.
Every thursday night there is a group of women from church that get together to pray. I invited myself a long tonight and it was really good but there were only like 5 people there, which was actually more than expected. To me that seems so wrong. We need to be praying!!!! Yes on our own, but together, corporately, congregationally, in small groups. We are a body and we need to all be communicating with our Brain. I'm as guilty of not doing this as anyone else, but seriously, I'm fired up. Not fired up excited, but fired up angry I think. I don't even know where I'm going with this. On to the next...

There was a bombing at the Australian Embassy in Jakarta today. It made me so home sick for Sydney. I feel like such a rootless child. Actually, I saw the movie Garden State a couple weeks ago, and it deals a lot with growing up and losing that sense of home. I really really really am missing Sydney though. I don't know why that feels like home to me. I am home. Mesa is home. AZ is home. I'm not Australian, as much as I beg God for an Aussie husband so I can at least have aussie babies, I am not aussie. But I miss it, and right now it hurts that I can't be there, and that I have no idea what most of my friends are up to down there, and that it's so damn far away. Why couldn't it be like England. Or even Japan. Japan is so way closer than Sydney. I was watching christian tv while eatting my dinner tonight and this pastor from aussie was on and he was from Sydney and talking about his church and about all this stuff, and he was from the North Shore and it made me think of kate, and I hate that I can envision all of this stuff in my mind and feel so close, like I could just drive over to Sydney, and yet be so freaking far away. It actually hurts right now.

Don't you hate how you always end up hurting the people you love the most. I hate that. It seriously makes me want to crawl into a hole and die, or disappear. Like I wish there was some word beyond "sorry" because for some reason sorry sounds so hollow and lame. I said something stupid today and pretty much got hung up on, and later had to listen to my best friend say "I just never expected that from you". Good Lord, I think I would seriously rather be shot than hear that. I don't know if it's just part of my personality type or if it's the whole human race but I honestly would rather some harm come to me than to hurt someone I love. There is nothing worse to me than dissappointing someone. I remember a few years ago a friends aunt died, maybe great aunt, I dunno, and I said something really stupid in regards to that and she called me out on it and it's the same feeling I had then that I have tonight. Just this sick to your stomach, I-would-give-anything-to-take-back-the-last-5-minutes feeling. On the up side, I'm so thankful to have friends that forgive me when I'm an ass and will take the hard route of talking things through rather than just shutting off.

So I dont know how well this whole living situation is going to work out. We are very different personalities. I'm trying to make it work cause I'm so damn sick of moving around all the time, but I don't know.

This month I will make my last payment on all my Australia debt.

I had a dream last night about coming "out" to my dad about speaking in tounges. It was horrifying. I think he disowned me.

I think I'm ready for bed...I'm starting to fall asleep. Thank you Jesus for the people at blogger who allow me to write and help keep me sane.
Guten Nacht