Thursday, September 09, 2004

I need to blog. Like an old fashioned, rambling on, processing, venting, destressing blog. The only problem is, where do I begin?
Let's begin with God. Since he's the Alpha and Omega, that's got to be a good place right? I need more of God. I need much much more of God. I have had so many challenging conversations with people recently about faith, belief and unbelief, the state of the church, yadda yadda, and I'm feeling like I've been far too complacent for far too long. My days are full and busy and could be fuller and busier if I so chose, but there is not time to NOT spend time in prayer and in the Word. I've been so slack on that, and God is kicking my ass. I will see people healed, I will see broken people made whole, I will see the church restored but God can only use me in those things to the extent at which I will allow him to use me. I need to get sin out of my life. Honestly, I struggle with lust a lot. It's always been a struggle for me, and there have been seasons where it's been worse than others. Right now it's not particularly bad or good, but it needs to be gone. I know that ultimately God gives us the power to overcome our crap, but right now I'm not even choosing to overcome. I'm just letting thoughts come in and freely roam my mind with out taking them captive. I need to be far more diligent in this area than I have been.
Every thursday night there is a group of women from church that get together to pray. I invited myself a long tonight and it was really good but there were only like 5 people there, which was actually more than expected. To me that seems so wrong. We need to be praying!!!! Yes on our own, but together, corporately, congregationally, in small groups. We are a body and we need to all be communicating with our Brain. I'm as guilty of not doing this as anyone else, but seriously, I'm fired up. Not fired up excited, but fired up angry I think. I don't even know where I'm going with this. On to the next...

There was a bombing at the Australian Embassy in Jakarta today. It made me so home sick for Sydney. I feel like such a rootless child. Actually, I saw the movie Garden State a couple weeks ago, and it deals a lot with growing up and losing that sense of home. I really really really am missing Sydney though. I don't know why that feels like home to me. I am home. Mesa is home. AZ is home. I'm not Australian, as much as I beg God for an Aussie husband so I can at least have aussie babies, I am not aussie. But I miss it, and right now it hurts that I can't be there, and that I have no idea what most of my friends are up to down there, and that it's so damn far away. Why couldn't it be like England. Or even Japan. Japan is so way closer than Sydney. I was watching christian tv while eatting my dinner tonight and this pastor from aussie was on and he was from Sydney and talking about his church and about all this stuff, and he was from the North Shore and it made me think of kate, and I hate that I can envision all of this stuff in my mind and feel so close, like I could just drive over to Sydney, and yet be so freaking far away. It actually hurts right now.

Don't you hate how you always end up hurting the people you love the most. I hate that. It seriously makes me want to crawl into a hole and die, or disappear. Like I wish there was some word beyond "sorry" because for some reason sorry sounds so hollow and lame. I said something stupid today and pretty much got hung up on, and later had to listen to my best friend say "I just never expected that from you". Good Lord, I think I would seriously rather be shot than hear that. I don't know if it's just part of my personality type or if it's the whole human race but I honestly would rather some harm come to me than to hurt someone I love. There is nothing worse to me than dissappointing someone. I remember a few years ago a friends aunt died, maybe great aunt, I dunno, and I said something really stupid in regards to that and she called me out on it and it's the same feeling I had then that I have tonight. Just this sick to your stomach, I-would-give-anything-to-take-back-the-last-5-minutes feeling. On the up side, I'm so thankful to have friends that forgive me when I'm an ass and will take the hard route of talking things through rather than just shutting off.

So I dont know how well this whole living situation is going to work out. We are very different personalities. I'm trying to make it work cause I'm so damn sick of moving around all the time, but I don't know.

This month I will make my last payment on all my Australia debt.

I had a dream last night about coming "out" to my dad about speaking in tounges. It was horrifying. I think he disowned me.

I think I'm ready for bed...I'm starting to fall asleep. Thank you Jesus for the people at blogger who allow me to write and help keep me sane.
Guten Nacht