Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I'm not sure where this entry is going to go, but I'm feeling the need big time. I would probably write this all out in my paper journal but that would take forever and a day.

Sunday was a big day in the life of Trinity Baptist Church. I don't know if it was the first time anything like this has happened, but I would probably bet it was. Our worship pastor's wife, who has been suffering with Fibromialga and like some myofacial blah blah blah I can't pronounce stuff, was pretty much totally healed. Like the sickness progressive and there is no cure for it, and it hardens up all your joints and tissues pretty much and is really painful from what I understand. And to make a really long story short, after all was said and done, she was moving more freely and smiling and feeling less pain than she had in a year and a half. It was awesome. On the other hand, since sunday, I feel like everything I believe and know has been thrown into a blender on super-ridiculously-fast speed and just keeps whirring around in my brain. There has been no rest. Even while I'm asleep it's still spinning. I keep trying to get into the Bible, knowing that that always brings a halt to my speculations and questions with solid, timeless truth. But even that has been stirring up more questions and more blending. If it doesn't stop soon I'm afraid my brain is just going to be one soupy puree and I'll just lie in bed all day paralyzed by my overthinking.
Part of it is really weird because I knew God was going to do something "out of the box" last sunday. He had been pressing that upon me so heavily all week. I think in my mind I had built it up to be something else, and so when everything started "happening" during the last song after the sermon, I knew that it was what God had been preparing me for, but not what I had hoped for I guess. Which sounds lame to say, but is true I guess.
I'm finding it really hard to seperate the emotional from the spiritual right now. How is faith different from just really really wanting God to do something. Faith is based on some aspect of God's truth you say. Ok, well Jesus says some pretty crazy stuff that can be totally misinterpreted. How many horribly wrong "health and wealth" prechers stand on the truth of "Ask and you shall recieve". That is a truth that you can put your faith in. But somewhere there is a line that we cross into our own desires. And I'm having a hard time determining whether I"m truely having faith or if I'm just wanting something so badly that I've convinced myself it's faith. I'd been praying for Denise for a while, not as long as some, but we talked a few weeks ago, and ever since then I really have been praying and believing she would be healed. Her faith for it was huge, and she knew she would be healed eventually. She also has some theological ideas about healing that I necessarily wouldn't agree with. For instance, the thought that anyone can be healed by faith. Or by just believing. To that I say, ok what about Liene who's been sick for 2 years and I know there are people believing for her healing. I think Nate put it into good words the other day when we were talking about all of this that subscribing to that type of thought is a beliefe of bondage that makes the gospel about man, and not about the grace of God. It's really dangerous.
We prayed for Liene on sunday, and God did something. She was feeling crap all that morning, and the pain that she'd had in her back for ages was gone. And yet she's still not sleeping well and felt crap yesterday morning. So was that healing just for that day? Is there some cosmic process at work? If God doesn't intend to ever fully heal her on this earth, is it wrong to keep praying and believing and having faith for that since you would be having faith for something that was outside the will of God? What about all the people that have told me that it absolutely is the will of God for people to be healed. What about the pastor at Hillsong whose mom had breast cancer and they prayed and believed for years for her healing and as they were in the hospital still praying, and still believing she died.
In some ways I wish I could think, well God can heal but he's much more concerned about the heart, and about our spirits, and about seeing people saved. But what about sickness that prevents people from being a part of all that. Or is it a matter of us just knowing that God is bigger than we can imagine, and works in ways we will never comprehend and where we see sickness and defeat He is working and using that person still?
I feel like this whole debate within myself is consuming me, and using up all of my mental, emotional, and spiritual energy. I don't think that's healthy because there is so much more to God, so much more to following Christ, so much more to reaching the world than just physical healing. Again, I'm sure some would disagree, but Jesus' ministry was not a "healing ministry". He did heal people, but he also taught, and ate with people, and spent intimate time with His Father, and spoke against injustice, and did a million other things.
I want the blender to be unplugged and taken to a field with a baseball bat "Office Space" style. Even if I don't have answers to my questions, I just want to be able to rest in God's goodness and move on.
Jesus, show me your truth. I don't think I'll ever fully understand in this life, but help me to get some perspective and make your priorities my priorities.