Sunday, October 17, 2004

There are about five other things I can think of off the top of my head that I should be doing right now. I'm sure if I thought longer or harder there would be more. The voice of Productivity in my head is telling me not to do this, but I know I need to write. Where do I even start?
God is good. I know I write about this probably too much, but I can't help it. God has blessed me with the most amazing friends in the world. Seriously. If there is someone out there that has a better network of friends than I, well I can't even imagine that really. This past week I missed my friends on the other side of the world and wanted to be with them so bad that it hurt. And yet at the same time, I'm so not used to living in the same city as my best friend, and seeing her everyday that I found myself thinking, "When is she going home?" Except she is home. And I'm home. And I get to see her everyday. And it's the hugest blessing in the world. Sometimes I don't think I'd be alive if it wasn't for the grace God has shown me through my friends. I used to be really co-dependant on my friends. Like really unhealthily so. Sometimes I still wonder if I am. But I can tell that God has done a radical work of purging this tendancy from my life. The one blatantly obvious way He has shown this to me recently is through L. A possible and quite unexpected suitor has recently entered the picture. He's a good guy. A great guy, and if this is God, I think it's a really good thing. And if there is something there, and if in many MANY years it does work out, I could not be happier for her. Or him. Quite honestly, I would be a bit jealous because he has beautiful curly hair, but when he gives me hugs, it's like hugging my brother so that's pretty much a huge turn off right there. But I was thinking about this whole thing the other day and just praising God for the stuff He's done in me, and that I can be potentially happy about the potential suitor and not ridiculously possesive like I think I would have been even a couple years ago.

God continues to do seriously amazing and crazy things at our church. I love my church. I love it so much. I love the people, I love the leaders, I love the vision. That's another way I can tell God has seriously done some work in me. Two years ago I was counting the days until I was going to be able to leave not only the church but the country. I know the only way I will every leave this body again is if I am being commissioned by them to go out.

This summer we are going to be doing a girls' retreat for the high school girls. I'm so pumped already. My friend KrystyKay that I roomed with in Sydney is coming home this year and I asked her to come down to speak for our retreat in the summer and she nearly peed her pants with excitement. One thing that we really want to do at this retreat is for all of the leaders to give a testimony of something God has given them victory over in their lives. I think it will shock and encourage the girls to know that their leaders have dealt with serious suicide, eatting disorder, abuse, and sexual issues. I've been thinking, and really I should probably be praying, but at this point I've only been thinking about talking about some of my struggles with homosexuality. And seriously right now, there is no way in hell I could stand in front of that group of girls and tell that story. No way. I know that it would probably be a huge encouragement to some of them. It would possibly even open a door for breakthrough in their lives. I don't know. I just don't think I could do it. And I probably haven't prayed about it because I'm afraid of what God would tell me to do...

Right now I'm in the middle of a hard core "I want to be married" season. It's horrible. I keep asking God to take it away and quit playing games with my heart. It's too much right now. In some ways I feel so ready and in other I feel like I never will be. But the desire is so strong. I so long to be able to serve him, and love him, and support him, and grow and stretch with him, and for God to use us, and take us crazy places and ask us to do crazy things. I want to know that feeling of being completely at home with someone. I think I feel most like that with Jesus, but not even completely because hello, it's God we're talking about. There is always that sense of awe, and reverence, and holiness in the back of my head. And yet I know the love of my husband will never measure the love of Christ. I guess it's kind of hard to explain. But I want that, and I want him, and is it possible to miss someone you don't even know? And I want sex. I definitely want sex. This is probably the thought I'm struggling the most with. How do you curb those desires when they obviously can't be fulfilled? God take them away. Just for now. Just until the moment after I say, "I do". Whenever the hell that will be. I want a man, and I want marriage, and I even want kids. Not now, not soon, but eventually. I like the thought of having kids. shocking.

I watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" last night. Jim Carry was damn hot. But that movie was whack. I think if I watch it again it would be good, now that I kind of know what is going on. It's such a real movie. In that it deals with the reality of being human. there aren't alot of movies like that. Anything with Hilary Duff is automatically not real. I don't think Hillary Duff is real. I think she is the most recent product of the Disney "Imagineers". At least the animatrons in the Pirates of the Carribean ride can act.

I feel like I should be done writing, but I also feel like there's something that hasn't come out yet.

Sometimes I scare myself. I can be really crazy in the head sometimes and get really twisted up in some weird world that doesn't exsist. Sometimes I wonder if I have a disorder. Or if it's just human but no one talks about feeling crazy. Especially Christians. Gosh. I'm so bleeping sick of smiling fake ass Christians. Seriously. Life is not that good. Being a Christian on earth is not all smiles. Life sucks sometimes. Life is good beyond comprehension sometimes. But gosh. Come to terms with reality people. I can't even listen to Christian radio anymore. It makes me want to puke. It makes me hurt for all the broken, desperate, hurting lives in the world that think that is what Christianity is about. You aren't a Christian if you don't know the motions to "Big House" by Audio Adreneline. I'm reading this amazing book about a British guy who travelled through Afghanistan. Actually I've been reading it for far too long, but that's another story entirely. When he spent some time in Herat, the only place he could find to stay was at some sort of Christian missionary compound. Now before I get to out of control, I have to say that any Christian that chooses to uproot their family and move to such a hurting nation to try and bring Christ's hope gets mad props in my book. I definitely can not dissrespect that. However...these people were so fake to him. The "swaying, singing Christians" as he described them. He couldn't wait to sneak out of the house in the morning to avoid them, and would sit on the front stairs late at night agonizing over going back in to the house because "they" would be there. AHHHHHH!!! Do you see how bleeping wrong this is. So wrong. The world should be drawn to us. They shouldn't want to spend time with us. They should be intrigued and curious, and wonder why we give a damn. They should not want to run from the plastic people. So clean and sterile that surely they have never even had need for a shower. Gosh. I am a sinner. I am broken, and I hurt. I have shit in my life that is not yet dealt with. By the grace of God, I have been saved from a lot more tragedy and heart break and crap than most people, but I'm not plastic! I'm not always smiling. I get depressed and I don't know why. I feel attack and oppression from the enemy. I fall back into habits that were of my old man and wonder how God can possibly love me still after doing it yet again. I think rock and roll really can sooth the soul and I don't think Repbulican is synonymous with Christian. I know I am called to ministry and sometimes I honestly wish I weren't simply for the stereotypes and perceptions full time ministry holds. Jesus was so real. He ate with prostitutes. I don't even know a prostitute. He healed lepers. I've never even given money to a Vet with a "Need money for food" sign. Jesus drank wine. I love wine! He challenged the religious authorities. The plastic people. He challenged them and told them they were fake. White washed. All appearances. He was human and knew that people couldn't be that happy and smily all the time. He also knew that the most important thing He could do on earth was spend time with His Father. I have yet to fully grasp that concept. I know it's important. I know I need to spend time with God. I even like spending time with Him usually. But to have it be the one thing constantly on my mind, that I yearn for and can't get enough of. I'm not there. And I hate that we sang a Michael W. Smith song in church today. I don't hate MWS. I hate that the chorus to one of his songs was the best illustration we could come up with for needing to pray for people. That's stupid. Why didn't we put a picture up there of a kid with a gun in his mouth. I think he could probably use some prayer. What about a picture of a pastor getting off to some porn in his office at church while his wife is at home fixing him dinner. They could probably use prayer. No, all we had was nasally MWS urging us to "Pray for me, and I'll pray for you". lame.
I love Jesus. I love love love Jesus. I love his grace. I love his faithfulness. I love Him. I love that He is not plastic, and that I don't have to be plastic with Him. And I love that this rant was not one bit offensive to Him. Thank you, Lord.