Sunday, November 28, 2004

ok so after I wrote that post yesterday I was feeling a bit ridiculous and out of control, so I spent sometime praying and it was really good. I have been in a bit of a rut with the whole prayer thing recently, but it just flowed very naturally. I started off just praying about "stuff" that happened yesterday and just totally handing it over to God and just claiming that I am not in control. I am NOT the control princess. Nor do I have any desire to be. This is something that is definitely way out of my control, but I think I'm just going to have to keep verbalizing that to God. daily. Hourly possibly. So yeah after that I've just had a whole lot of peace about it...whatever "it" is. We talked for a while today and yeah it was just really good, and I don't know I just have a definite peace about where ever this goes. It will be nice once the semester is over and there's no school and no classes and he'll be around and we can hang out more. blah.

Oh and for the record...this is a very shameful moment for me...I actually fell asleep while watching Hillsong last night. So I don't know if Brian had any ironic prophetic words for me. And speaking of bed, I think I'm going to start making my way there now.
Peace out, Napoleon.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

wow. I have no idea what is going on. What's awkward about the whole situation is that it doesn't feel awkward. This should feel awkward. But it feels ok...in a weird way.
I'm sorry, I know this sounds very cryptic or something. Or not. I don't know. I always get this way when I've spent time with him. Him being a friend that I've know for too long to be feeling "this way" about.
We went to starbucks and talked for like 5 hours. And there were very few silences within that time. And the ones that were there weren't awkward. But still, to be able to carry on lively conversation for 5 hours. Well that was just at starbucks. then we went to his house for a while. Then I came home and talked to krys for a while, then after that we ended up talking for like another hour. That's alot of talking.
I don't know. I knew we were going to hang out today and I was praying this morning that God would make things clear one way or the other. I don't feel clear. Actually, maybe I do feel clear. I'd be ok if this went somewhere. Which is weird to even say or think about. And yet i'd be ok with it.
And he looked good today. Which I especially can not believe, because...I don't know maybe I've just never thought of him that way.
Ok this is dumb, I'm going to watch Hillsong on tv. Maybe Brian will have another ironically prophetic word for me tonight.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Guestbook (pornbook?!) gone. Bam. Gotta love how I can bust in here. - Krystle

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Sometimes I wish I could just say, "Fuck it" and walk away from people and relationships. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. Sometimes I wish I was as independant as I pretend to be. I've had a couple random conversations about this topic recently. A couple nights ago a friend basically was saying the same thing. Relationships are hard, and sometimes you wish you could just run away. Last week I got into a really interesting conversation with my vocal coach and she was single for like 10 years before she got remarried and she was saying how during those years she realized how deeply God placed the need for relationship in us. It is in the fiber of our being. She was a single mom, alone, blah blah and wanted to toughen up and do it on her own, but the need lingered.
Sometimes I wish I didn't need people. I know I need God, and I'm ok with that, but people...why do I need people? People screw you over. People flake out. People aren't reliable. People disappoint. The people that are closest to you are generally the source of the greatest love and the greatest pain in life. Why? I know that all of these things are just as applicable to me as the next person. So why do we need people? Why can't we just live in this super spiritual, commune with God who doesn't screw us over, flake out, up and leave, or disappoint and not have to know all the shit that comes along with human relationships.
The other problem is that I know, and when I say know I mean KNOW that I pretty much have some of the best friends in the WORLD. Honestly I am so blessed with the people God has placed in my life. And the majority of the time things are good. But it's those other few times when things are hard, and painful, and distant, and broken, and shitty that you just want to walk away and become a hermit.
I don't know. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I think I'm going to go sit with my emotions for a while and hopefully be able to have another week as good as this past one.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I bought the new Keane cd today at Target for $7. I would highly recommend you go do the same. Seriously such a good album. Now I'm just waiting for John Butler Trio to make it out here. I saw this thing on MTV that they have released an ep here and are going to have a full length out some time in 2005. I was way excited when I heard they were finally making it out here. They are way too good to not
And now I have a little moral question I would like to pose to you all. Feel free to leave your opinions in the comments. (Don't use the guestbook. I really need to get rid of that thing *cough cough*) anyway...
Suppose you are in a store and you are deciding if you want to buy a product. Let's say, the product is something like chapstick. You aren't sure if you want to buy the product so you "test" it to see if it is indeed what you are wanting to buy. After testing the product you decide that is is in fact NOT what you are wanting. Considering the nature of the product, what do you do? Do you wipe it off and put it back? No harm done. Or do you feel you should buy the product since you "used" it. Even though it was really just a "test". Let me know what you think.

Monday, November 15, 2004

where to start hey?
For those of you who were concerned about the recent barrage of swear words and negative thoughts in previous entries...thanks and I'm ok. And for the 2 hour call from Sydney I am ever grateful.
There was a lot of crying this weekend and a lot of feeling like a crazy person, but there was also just a ton of grace and seriously I think somewhere in the drama God broke through. If you ever feel like a crazy person you should check out Psalm 34. Honestly that is my anchor right now. check it out.
On the other hand, because yesterday and today have been good days...the best in a couple weeks...the cynic in me is waiting for the crash. you know? The shitty days can't be that far off, because really I got feeling better way too soon and way to easily.
GOd has also been bringing me through James. Actually i just finished it. And it's all about patitence and perseverence. So that's what I'm doing. I'm not making any big descisions right now, I'm not going to make any drastic changes, I am going to pursue God more and hope that with some faith and perseverence this season will work itself out.

On a much lighter note...I found out that my brother, my amazing brother, took 13th in the Texas All-State orchestra. 13th! Out of like hundreds that auditioned. They only chose 24 so he's like right in the middle of the people that made it, but still...out of hundreds of kids from all over Texas, my brother got in. I'm so proud. Now I just have to convince my parents to fly me to San Antonio in February for the concert. They'll do it.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

This is in reply to L's comment cause I think this will be too long to leave in a comment.

So just for general knowledge, our church just bought some property that is adjacent to where we currently are. The property has 2 living units (small houses, apartments, whatev) and a storage unit already built on it. Now that we have acquired such a prime piece of property, the dilema we have is deciding what to do with it.

People like L, who are too spiritual for their own good (that's a joke) want to turn it into some kind of crisis care, blah blah blah place. That's nice. I however, disagree. Well kind of.
I think that would be a good thing to do with the place, and I won't be disappointed if that's something that ends up happening, BUT considering the location of it and everything I would much, MUCH rather see it become some sort of community center or something. Afterschool programs for kids, tutoring, classes for parents, turn it into a cafe/music/artsy fartsy place for friday/saturday night. I'm thinking multipurpose. But definitely a place to serve and reach out and make the community feel welcome. There are so many apartment/townhouse complexes within walking distance, and especially considering the bus depot going in across the street I think this would be a much better use of the space. I'm going to get on that committee damn it.

In other news, I went to IKEA today. This may not seem like a big deal, but it's the first IKEA in AZ and it opened yesterday. Today is a holiday, and the place was a freaking ridiculous mad house. Lots of fun though. I'm kind of exhausted now though. I love being in crowds, but they do wear me out quickly. And now I'm going to a sale at a boutique store owned by a couple ladies at my church, and then to prayer. I'm going to need prayer.

I think I'm going to write a book on how to continue to be a good friend when your best friend gets a boyfriend. How is that for a title. Actually I wish that book was already out there. I'd go buy it.

I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to cop it as a music major. I decided this afternoon on the drive home from IKEA to switch majors and go to Southwestern and do Christian counseling. Seriously so much more usable. Well that's not the only reason, but anyway...then I realized that to really do anything as far as counseling goes you need a masters. Then I said hell no. Besides that I think I need more counseling than to be doing any right now.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I'll try not to swear in the first sentence of this entry.
Good job.
So today my Hotmail account got upgraded! 250MB baby. Heck yes. I was at work when I first saw it and the ladies in the office must have thought I was crazy. Really, I'm not that hard to please. So everyone send me lots of pictures and long ass emails so I can take my new limit for a test drive.
I'm very excited that tomorrow is Veteran's Day. Basically because thousands (millions?) of men died for America I get to have no class, sleep in, and go to the brand new Ikea in tempe. yesssssssss.
And now I think I'm going to go finish my Afghanistan book. It's only taken me forever. Granted I've ready quite a few other books in the mean time...but I'm ready to give this one back to L since it was a present for her and everything. I really want to go there some day. Maybe for a year. A year in Kabul. Maybe that's what I'll do when I finish bloody college. Go spend a year teaching music in Kabul. That is unless I convince our church to turn our new property into a coffee shop and let me run that.
The dreams are starting to be pulled out of the sand.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Today was less fucked than yesterday, but I've still seen better days.
Actually this morning was pretty much just a continuation of yesterday. And I had to go to my first two classes this morning because I had bloody tests. Both of which I'm sure I did quite well on. Anyway, so after my classes I usually practice for an hour and a half before my next class. So today I go sit down in the practice room and just start crying. I couldn't sing. I couldn't play. Like I literally couldn't, and I also had no desire to. You know things are not good when melanie can't/won't sing. Generally I can't stop myself from singing. Kind of like the kid in About a Boy...strummin my pain with his fingers. Anyway, so I said mahalo y mahalo I'm going to go talk to liene. That actually helped a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm just bitching to her with no result, but it helped to bring a lot of clarity to some stuff. We'll see.
I just want Jesus.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Today is so fucked. Or maybe it's been like this since February and I'm just now realizing it. A friend asked me how I was tonight and I told her straight up that I was bad. She's a good friend and can take stuff like that. We talked for a while and it was good. I told her I was starting to wonder if I need to go see a dr to see if I might have some sort of treatable depression. She said she felt the same way for about a year when she first moved here..and really after being gone for nearly 2 years it is like moving here for the first time. Especially without the fam and stuff. That was encouraging. I still wonder about the depression thing though. It runs in the family. I told her tonight that I wasn't like suicidal or anything, but then I questioned that when I was driving home tonight. It would have been so easy. Honestly I've thought about it more in the past month than I have since I dunno some phase in high school maybe. I'm hoping that's what this is. A phase. It's been a fucking long one though.
I feel so alone. Constantly. Even when I'm with people. I feel like no one gives a fuck. I feel like I don't give a fuck and I hate that. I feel like I have no passion, no motivation, no drive for anything. And that's so unlike me. Last year I was so full of life and vision and energy and dreams. I have a hard time remembering my dreams right now. Everyday it's a battle just to drag my ass out of bed and face the day.
I try to be spiritual about it all and say, "Jesus is all I need". But something is still missing. I have Jesus. I know I have Jesus. My soul knows very well. So if I have Jesus, and He is all I need, then why do I feel so shit? Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel alone? Why do I feel like sometimes it would actually be better if I wasn't here.
It's so depressing that all my friends I graduated high school with will be done with their bachelors next semester. Done with college. They can quit now. They can enter the real world. Some of them are ridiculous and thinking of going on to grad school, but that is their choice. I'm never going to be done with school. I don't even know why I'm trying. Other than that is pretty much that one thing that I'm certain God wants me doing right now.
I was telling my friend that obviously, i'm not like super super depressed because I do get out of bed, and I laugh...loud enough to scare little children apparently...but I don't even think I know the joy of the Lord right now you know? I have moments of happiness but I don't sense a lasting joy and peace. Everything is just overshadowed by this dark cloud. It's stuipd and I hate it and I don't know how to break through it.
Put your faith in the facts and the feelings will follow.
I have no feeling. I can't cry. I've been trying to cry for a couple months now. I cried all the time last year. I can't make myself cry. I think I shed one tear driving home tonight. That was an acomplishment. I was thinking of the movie "Garden State" and how the guy when off his meds so he could feel...I wonder if meds can make you feel. Seriously, go read my blog from a year ago when I was in AZ and went to l's mri test with her. I'm not that person. I wish I was.
This is stupid, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm going to go try and sleep which I'm sure will just result in not sleeping and weird half conscious dreams about Darlene Zchech.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

I'm so tired. I should be napping. I can't really fall asleep though. I'm a horrible napper. Although I'm great at typing with my eyes closed as I am currently doing.
We sang a great classic song in church today, "And that my soul knows very well". What is funny is that I was listening to my Hillsong collection cd this morning while I was getting ready for church and it had that song on it. random. Or not. Anyway. I was thinking as I was singing that song, "My soul does know well". If I take time to stop and to try and turn my head off, my soul knows well the love of Christ. My soul can testify to countless times of faithfulness, mercy, grace, compassion, unmerited favor, and unconditional love. My soul knows Jesus. My soul is engaged and connects easily with His Spirit.
What does it take to get your soul to talk with your head? Seriously. I feel like I've been in this horrible intellectual and mental state, where I've been questioning everything recently. Does God really love me? How can He? I can be so c-r-a-p-p-y. I take advantage of Him. I bring Him my wish list and offer little to nothing in return. I sing worship songs with the same mouth that I judge and talk badly about His children. Then I'll be lead to some scripture and be assured of the love and forgiveness of God, but then I wonder if He actually likes me, or if He's just putting up with me because He's God and He has to. How is it that my head does not understand the things my heart and soul so easily connect with?
It's actually really frustrating right now, and I feel like there is some kind of barrier preventing me from getting over it.
So a few entries back I mentioned a book I was reading, but couldn't talk about it. That's because it was a gift for someone who reads this and I didn't want to ruin it. The book is called, "Searching for God Knows What" and it's the brand new book by Donald Miller (of Blue Like Jazz fame). I highly recommend this book to everyone. It's a bit hard to track down at the moment because it seriously like just came out sometime in October, but if you can find it, buy it quickly and read it slowly. The basic theme of the book is that we have boiled God down to a list of do's and don'ts and like "bullet point" religion, when really relationship with God is more like a Shakespeare play than anything.
The last chapter was my favorite. If you haven't read the last chapter L, I'm going to ruin it...or you could just not read this, and go finish the book, then come back. It took apart the famous "Romeo and Juliet" and revealed how there is tons of symbolism in it that refers to relationship with Christ and some of the issues the church in Shakespeares day was dealing with. But what was amazing is how Miller was able to use that to describe how our relationship with Christ is a love story. An amazing, passionate, intimate, desperate love story and how we have turned it into an impersonal and dead sermon outline, or something of the like.
My soul knows this well. My soul knows the romance, it senses the reality of the love of Christ. But my head either doesn't get it, or is much more vulnerable to the lies of the enemy. Maybe it's both. One of the lies that I am being fed constantly right now is that I am undesireable and unlovable. It could be a time of the month thing. It could have to do with the fact that I have this really cool budding relationship between two of the coolest people on earth in my face daily. It could be a lack of spiritual discipline. It could be all that plus the enemy, plus the shit the media feeds us, though by the grace of God the most tv I've watched for a month was the bloody election night coverage...i don't know. But my soul knows that it's a lie. My soul knows it is loved more intimately by it's savior than any man will ever be able to. My soul knows it is more secure, safe, and provided for in the arms of Christ than it would be in the strongest human arms. My head doesn't believe. And unfortunately for me, I am a thinker and my head dictates a lot of my emotions and how I feel.
I will never, ever forget Leah's signature on the old Knapp board. "Put your faith in the facts and the feelings will follow." I don't even know if I've ever told her that. That small and ridiculously alliterate phrase has pulled me through a lot of spiritual numbness. That's what I'm doing right now. Constantly feeding my self the facts, the truth of the love of Christ, hoping and praying that soon I will feel that love. That soon I'll be able to be secure in that love. That soon I won't be trying to fulfill my needs with the love of man, but I'll be flourishing in the love of Christ. I want to be caught up in that romance. I really do. I really really desire that. I don't know how that happens though. And I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread.
Something I heard a lot last year at Hills was that when you feel like quitting, breakthrough is around the corner. I hope so. Because I'm not sure how long I can hang in there without it.