Sunday, November 07, 2004

I'm so tired. I should be napping. I can't really fall asleep though. I'm a horrible napper. Although I'm great at typing with my eyes closed as I am currently doing.
We sang a great classic song in church today, "And that my soul knows very well". What is funny is that I was listening to my Hillsong collection cd this morning while I was getting ready for church and it had that song on it. random. Or not. Anyway. I was thinking as I was singing that song, "My soul does know well". If I take time to stop and to try and turn my head off, my soul knows well the love of Christ. My soul can testify to countless times of faithfulness, mercy, grace, compassion, unmerited favor, and unconditional love. My soul knows Jesus. My soul is engaged and connects easily with His Spirit.
What does it take to get your soul to talk with your head? Seriously. I feel like I've been in this horrible intellectual and mental state, where I've been questioning everything recently. Does God really love me? How can He? I can be so c-r-a-p-p-y. I take advantage of Him. I bring Him my wish list and offer little to nothing in return. I sing worship songs with the same mouth that I judge and talk badly about His children. Then I'll be lead to some scripture and be assured of the love and forgiveness of God, but then I wonder if He actually likes me, or if He's just putting up with me because He's God and He has to. How is it that my head does not understand the things my heart and soul so easily connect with?
It's actually really frustrating right now, and I feel like there is some kind of barrier preventing me from getting over it.
So a few entries back I mentioned a book I was reading, but couldn't talk about it. That's because it was a gift for someone who reads this and I didn't want to ruin it. The book is called, "Searching for God Knows What" and it's the brand new book by Donald Miller (of Blue Like Jazz fame). I highly recommend this book to everyone. It's a bit hard to track down at the moment because it seriously like just came out sometime in October, but if you can find it, buy it quickly and read it slowly. The basic theme of the book is that we have boiled God down to a list of do's and don'ts and like "bullet point" religion, when really relationship with God is more like a Shakespeare play than anything.
The last chapter was my favorite. If you haven't read the last chapter L, I'm going to ruin it...or you could just not read this, and go finish the book, then come back. It took apart the famous "Romeo and Juliet" and revealed how there is tons of symbolism in it that refers to relationship with Christ and some of the issues the church in Shakespeares day was dealing with. But what was amazing is how Miller was able to use that to describe how our relationship with Christ is a love story. An amazing, passionate, intimate, desperate love story and how we have turned it into an impersonal and dead sermon outline, or something of the like.
My soul knows this well. My soul knows the romance, it senses the reality of the love of Christ. But my head either doesn't get it, or is much more vulnerable to the lies of the enemy. Maybe it's both. One of the lies that I am being fed constantly right now is that I am undesireable and unlovable. It could be a time of the month thing. It could have to do with the fact that I have this really cool budding relationship between two of the coolest people on earth in my face daily. It could be a lack of spiritual discipline. It could be all that plus the enemy, plus the shit the media feeds us, though by the grace of God the most tv I've watched for a month was the bloody election night coverage...i don't know. But my soul knows that it's a lie. My soul knows it is loved more intimately by it's savior than any man will ever be able to. My soul knows it is more secure, safe, and provided for in the arms of Christ than it would be in the strongest human arms. My head doesn't believe. And unfortunately for me, I am a thinker and my head dictates a lot of my emotions and how I feel.
I will never, ever forget Leah's signature on the old Knapp board. "Put your faith in the facts and the feelings will follow." I don't even know if I've ever told her that. That small and ridiculously alliterate phrase has pulled me through a lot of spiritual numbness. That's what I'm doing right now. Constantly feeding my self the facts, the truth of the love of Christ, hoping and praying that soon I will feel that love. That soon I'll be able to be secure in that love. That soon I won't be trying to fulfill my needs with the love of man, but I'll be flourishing in the love of Christ. I want to be caught up in that romance. I really do. I really really desire that. I don't know how that happens though. And I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread.
Something I heard a lot last year at Hills was that when you feel like quitting, breakthrough is around the corner. I hope so. Because I'm not sure how long I can hang in there without it.