Sunday, November 21, 2004

Sometimes I wish I could just say, "Fuck it" and walk away from people and relationships. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. Sometimes I wish I was as independant as I pretend to be. I've had a couple random conversations about this topic recently. A couple nights ago a friend basically was saying the same thing. Relationships are hard, and sometimes you wish you could just run away. Last week I got into a really interesting conversation with my vocal coach and she was single for like 10 years before she got remarried and she was saying how during those years she realized how deeply God placed the need for relationship in us. It is in the fiber of our being. She was a single mom, alone, blah blah and wanted to toughen up and do it on her own, but the need lingered.
Sometimes I wish I didn't need people. I know I need God, and I'm ok with that, but people...why do I need people? People screw you over. People flake out. People aren't reliable. People disappoint. The people that are closest to you are generally the source of the greatest love and the greatest pain in life. Why? I know that all of these things are just as applicable to me as the next person. So why do we need people? Why can't we just live in this super spiritual, commune with God who doesn't screw us over, flake out, up and leave, or disappoint and not have to know all the shit that comes along with human relationships.
The other problem is that I know, and when I say know I mean KNOW that I pretty much have some of the best friends in the WORLD. Honestly I am so blessed with the people God has placed in my life. And the majority of the time things are good. But it's those other few times when things are hard, and painful, and distant, and broken, and shitty that you just want to walk away and become a hermit.
I don't know. I don't know if any of this makes sense. I think I'm going to go sit with my emotions for a while and hopefully be able to have another week as good as this past one.