Monday, November 08, 2004

Today is so fucked. Or maybe it's been like this since February and I'm just now realizing it. A friend asked me how I was tonight and I told her straight up that I was bad. She's a good friend and can take stuff like that. We talked for a while and it was good. I told her I was starting to wonder if I need to go see a dr to see if I might have some sort of treatable depression. She said she felt the same way for about a year when she first moved here..and really after being gone for nearly 2 years it is like moving here for the first time. Especially without the fam and stuff. That was encouraging. I still wonder about the depression thing though. It runs in the family. I told her tonight that I wasn't like suicidal or anything, but then I questioned that when I was driving home tonight. It would have been so easy. Honestly I've thought about it more in the past month than I have since I dunno some phase in high school maybe. I'm hoping that's what this is. A phase. It's been a fucking long one though.
I feel so alone. Constantly. Even when I'm with people. I feel like no one gives a fuck. I feel like I don't give a fuck and I hate that. I feel like I have no passion, no motivation, no drive for anything. And that's so unlike me. Last year I was so full of life and vision and energy and dreams. I have a hard time remembering my dreams right now. Everyday it's a battle just to drag my ass out of bed and face the day.
I try to be spiritual about it all and say, "Jesus is all I need". But something is still missing. I have Jesus. I know I have Jesus. My soul knows very well. So if I have Jesus, and He is all I need, then why do I feel so shit? Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel alone? Why do I feel like sometimes it would actually be better if I wasn't here.
It's so depressing that all my friends I graduated high school with will be done with their bachelors next semester. Done with college. They can quit now. They can enter the real world. Some of them are ridiculous and thinking of going on to grad school, but that is their choice. I'm never going to be done with school. I don't even know why I'm trying. Other than that is pretty much that one thing that I'm certain God wants me doing right now.
I was telling my friend that obviously, i'm not like super super depressed because I do get out of bed, and I laugh...loud enough to scare little children apparently...but I don't even think I know the joy of the Lord right now you know? I have moments of happiness but I don't sense a lasting joy and peace. Everything is just overshadowed by this dark cloud. It's stuipd and I hate it and I don't know how to break through it.
Put your faith in the facts and the feelings will follow.
I have no feeling. I can't cry. I've been trying to cry for a couple months now. I cried all the time last year. I can't make myself cry. I think I shed one tear driving home tonight. That was an acomplishment. I was thinking of the movie "Garden State" and how the guy when off his meds so he could feel...I wonder if meds can make you feel. Seriously, go read my blog from a year ago when I was in AZ and went to l's mri test with her. I'm not that person. I wish I was.
This is stupid, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm going to go try and sleep which I'm sure will just result in not sleeping and weird half conscious dreams about Darlene Zchech.