Tuesday, December 28, 2004

I have the kind of headache I get when I've been thinking too much. Pressure camps out right on each temple and across the middle of my forehead. My stomache has the semi-queesy feeling it gets when I am stressed, and my jaw aches like I've been clenching it for hours. I'm sure I have a river of tears just waiting for some emotional dam to burts, but my eyes are so dry that I actually purposfully did not buy waterproof mascara the other day because it was cheaper and when are my eyes ever going to be wet?

I'm frustrated with the world. Every time I check smh.com.au or turn on CNN the tsunami death tolls have more than doubled. 10,000 - 25,000 - 55,000. I haven't checked since I've been home tonight because I just don't want to know. I can't process it right now, and I feel utterly helpless. If I had the opportunity, I would go. I would leave tonight and go pick up rubbish if that's what needs to be done. Deliver body bags, mourn with women who lost their husband and children all in the same day, help people get clean water, I don't care. I really want to be there. I almost feel guilty sitting here in my bed, blessed beyond my own comprehension. I'm sure that is a sign of an unhealthy perspective on whatever, but that's how I feel. It's not fair. I have done nothing to deserve this life. I am better than I deserve. It's too much to process.

I'm frustrated with myself. The things I want to do I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I continue doing. Or something like that. There was a time when I would have considered my self a pretty emotionally stable person. Maybe I was decieving myself, maybe I was surpressing my true emotions, or maybe I actually was. Recently, with in the past year, I feel like a bloody emotional basket case. I am constantly up and down, and the most ridiculous things can throw me into a tailspin. The thing is, the up's never feel quite up enough, and the down's always feel pretty down. I once heard depression described as emotional highs and lows that never quite breakthrough to true happiness. Or something like that. It's actually kind of hard to put into written word, because the person who explained it to me used a lot of hand motions.

I'm frustrated with friends. I feel like there is no depth right now. With anyone. And maybe that's just me and where I'm at, but it goes both ways. I've also been feeling like it's kind of hard for people to pick you up when you're down if they're all down to. What's going on God? I feel like a crap friend because I've lost touch with people I definitely should stay in contact with. Those that I do get to interact with regularly, I've been starting to realize that I'm pretty damn selfish in my relationships with them because I'm constantly trying to fit them around my life, needs, wants, etc. I haven't really prayed for anyone in a long time. I often throw up the, "God heal L" or the "Give so and so wisdom" or "Provide this for them", but when it comes to really praying and interceeding it's been a long time. And that's crap. And would also probably go back to the selfish thing.

There's so much going on that I just want to shut down and not deal with it all. There has to be a stem to all this. Some common root that it's all flowing out of. There has to be like one weed I can pull that will kill the whole system hey? What is it? What is this? I hate this. I want out of this...whatever it is. I want to really live again. I feel like that hasn't happened for a long time.

Monday, December 13, 2004

This is part two of the entry below. Just fyi.

Part of the reason that "settling" (for lack of a better term) is so hard to accept is because the love of Christ ruins us. Any other love falls immesurably short of His. I know I went on a rant in the previous entry about how hard it is to know and really feel God's love. But there are moments, however few and far between, when the manifestation of His love is more real than anything I could touch of feel in that moment. I had one of those moments this morning. And it was then that I realized why the mediocre "nice guy" will never do. Obviously, any love we recieve from humans will pale in comparison to God's love for us. God's love is unconditional, and that's the thing that makes it so powerful, so attractive, and so uncompareable. Humans are incapable of loving unconditionally. Even the purest of human love is based on some sort of merit or condition. But there is another ingredient that tends to set God's love apart that I think can actually be found in human love as well. Not only is Jesus' love pure and unconditional, but it is passionate beyond the capabilities of our imagination. In those few moments where God's love has been clearly felt in my life, I knew that His love wasn't mediocre, it wasn't luke warm, it was full on passionate, undying love. And that is what I'm afraid of compromising in a marriage relationship. I'm afraid of accepting a lesser, more practical, more "laid back" love. I don't want laid back. I want passion. And not just physical lust, or a feeling that dissappears with "I do", but a passion that is there even in the darkest of valleys, the most intense disagreements, the most tragic, and unexcpected circumstances.
I don't think this is too much to hope for, or too high a standard. There are many things that can be compromised; I don't have to marry an Australian, or a man with curly hair, or a fabulous musician, or someone older than me, but I don't think I can live without passion. I know I don't want to.
Again, this is all processing...if anyone wants to open up a discussion about any of this I'd be more than happy to jump in.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

John Eldredge, in his book "Wild At Heart", talks briefly (in a book primarily about issuses men face) about what he calls, "the question at the core of every woman". It's the question women start struggling with as little girls. Sometimes we don't even know the question is there; we have been so afraid to face the truth of it's answer that we bury it underneath work, family, church service, and other good things. All women want to know, "Am I beautiful?". The question takes on many other forms such as, "Do you love me?", "Do you want me?", "Am I worthy of pursuing?" but it all boils down to beauty.
This question has resurfaced in my life. I've dealt with it off and on after first having it pin pointed through "Wild At Heart". When it comes up, I'm usually pretty good at burying it with one or all of the things listed above because it's just too painful to deal with. And when I think about it I feel like a crazy person being pulled by two equally strong opinions: the world and God's Word. Is it heresy to say that the world can be as strong as the truth of scripture? Probably. I know it's not really true, but it feels true. How can I believe that I am my Beloved's and His desire is for me, when I am daily bombarded by messages that tell me I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, strong enough, thin enough, rich enough, stylish enough, pretty enough...the list goes on.
I want to believe that I'm beautiful. And not just in the eyes of friends who know and love me. But by strangers I pass by, acquaintances at school, family members that criticise, and hopefully one day a man. I'm not defining beauty strictly by appearances, although that is an aspect, but I want to know that I am worth knowing. That I am worth time and effort by others. That there is something magnetic and attractive about me that people want to get to know. The irony is that, that beauty, those qualities come from knowing who I am in Christ. Knowing that I am my Beloved's. Knowing that I am desireable enough not just for a man, but for the Son of Man to die for my life. Why do I continue to seek and crave the approval of man when I already have all the approval I'll ever need from man's Creator. In the words of Eddie Izzard, "It makes no sense".
I don't know where a solution to this problem will come from. No doubt more time in Scripture and in God's presence would help. But those things have been on the increase in my life recently and I'm still questioning. Is there something in us that actually needs man's approval to feel the truth of God's approval realized? It sounds ridiculous. Why would God make us like that, if anyone knows how fickle men are He should. Can't he just like put some sort of stamp or seal of approval on us, or better yet some how bridge the gap between what our heads know about the truth of His love and what our hearts feel?
Along with all of this thinking, the issue of my standards for a future husband have come up. I have high standards, unashamedly. I don't want to marry down, and contrary to what a wise pastor told me last week, I don't believe that I have to. But I have an overwhelming fear that I will compromise. I'm afraid that I'll get to a certain point in life and be so desperate for companionship, marriage, family, and intimacy that I'll lower my standards. I'm afraid of marrying a "nice guy", someone I have things in common with, someone who will be faithful and take care of me, someone who doesn't rock the boat, someone who is just a good friend but not a passionate lover. Is that too much to ask for today? I want a man that is intelligent yet humble, hilariously funny but serious when appropriate, someone who is extroverted and people oriented and works to pull those qualities out of me, someone who I can argue with and disagree with but still know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he loves me deeply, a man who not only thinks I'm beautiful but tells me so even when we're old and wrinkled. I need a man who is strong willed enough to manage my strong willed personality, I need a man who is just as passionate as I am about seeing the dreams God has placed in my heart come to fruition, I need a man who drinks and swears and watches the Simpsons and can make my grandma think he's as innocent as a lamb. Is any of this even possible? Should I lower the bar? What's so bad about being a "nice guy" anyway. What does it matter if my husband stops pursuing me after we're married if he's faithful, reliable, and stable? I know the answers to these questions are going to have to come before I can ever embark upon any type of serious relationship because I don't want them to be answered by a man. I want them to be answered by the Holy Spirit and confirmed by a man.
This is all a bit much for a sick girl who has to sing at 9 in the morning. Since when does a sweating fever accompany a head cold? Pray that I can squeak out some kind of on pitch noise.
And if anyone ever wants to try an hash some of this stuff out with me I would be more than happy to talk in circles with you. Since that's usually what ends up happening. =)
Good night.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

You're everythingI could want
That I could need
If I could seeYou want me
Could I believe?'
Cause You're perfectly all I want, all I need
If I could just feel Your touch Could I be free?
Why do You shine so? Can a blind man see?
Why do You call? Do You beckon me?
Can the deaf hear the voice of love?
Would You have me come? Can the cripple run?
Are You the one?

To raise me up From this grave
Touch my tongue And then I'll sing
Heal my limbs Then joyfully I'll run to You

'Cause You're everything
And I'm alive and I'll sing
And I'm alive and I'm free

Generally, I'm not a fan of putting up songs anymore. But sometimes a song is so a part of me during a certain season, that nothing else could express what I'm feeling better. I think this David Crowder song sums me up pretty good right now.

I'm already anticipating that my song for next week will be the "Hallelujah" chorus. After juries on Monday, I am dooooooooooone. hallelujah!

Thursday, December 02, 2004

We are so close to the end of the semester I can taste it. Oh how I long for december 14th. Today my theory teacher gave us our TAKE HOME theory exam. take home! I was floored. She totally doesn't seem like the type to do something that nice, but she did, and I'm so happy. Not only that but we have a whole week to do it! Odds are that I will totally forget to do it. Let's hope not. My grade in that class is good but not that good. My AP exam is next week, and then I'm done except for vocal juries on the 13th. It will be so glorious to only have to think about work for a month. Especially since Dec/Jan is like one of the busiest times.
So yeah. Things are good. Really good. Better than they've been for a long time I'd say. God's been showing me a lot, and some of it has been hard, but mostly it's just been really amazing stuff about himself. I like those times. Enough about me God, let's talk about you.

Oh! I used my milk foamer this morning. A-freaking-mazing. The only problem was that I didn't realize how much is actually foams the milk. I put probably filled the mug a little over a quarter full, and pretty much got a whole mug of foam. All this for the low IKEA price of 99cents. Seriously, how good is that. If anyone wants me to take them on a field trip to that lovely store, I will be more than happy to chaperone.

Off to choir...hasta.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I think I'm going to move to Tempe. I"m going to move to about Warner and I-10. Do you think they'll notice if I move into IKEA? I LOVE that store. I went tonight accidently. I started out going to Old Navy on Stapley, after that I ended up driving west because traffic was so bad, so I decided to go to Ross at Mills to look for a jacket that I really wanted. ( I totally found the jacket, and it had just be reduced to $18. awesome.) So then I realized I was down there anway, and I didn't have anything to do tonight, and I'd been wanting to go to IKEA to look around for christmas gifts....so I went. It was great. I LOVE that store. Oh wait, I already said that. I skipped the 2nd floor this time, and went straight to the marketplace or whatever it's called. I got presents for the cousins, christmas cards, gifts for all the ladies in the office, wrapping paper, batteries, and the COOLEST THING EVER, it's this little mini drink mixer that foams milk for coffee. It was only 99cents. Dang, I should have got my mom one. Guess I'll have to go back! Darn. So yeah I was there for a couple hours, then I got lost in phoenix because I missed the turn off for the 60 east. Anyway, it was great fun. I love spending money on other people. I really do. I hate it though when it's like out of obligation, but none of this was so it was cool just looking for stuff that I knew these people would enjoy.
I think I'm going to go to sleep now...8am class...woo hoo.