Tuesday, December 28, 2004

I have the kind of headache I get when I've been thinking too much. Pressure camps out right on each temple and across the middle of my forehead. My stomache has the semi-queesy feeling it gets when I am stressed, and my jaw aches like I've been clenching it for hours. I'm sure I have a river of tears just waiting for some emotional dam to burts, but my eyes are so dry that I actually purposfully did not buy waterproof mascara the other day because it was cheaper and when are my eyes ever going to be wet?

I'm frustrated with the world. Every time I check smh.com.au or turn on CNN the tsunami death tolls have more than doubled. 10,000 - 25,000 - 55,000. I haven't checked since I've been home tonight because I just don't want to know. I can't process it right now, and I feel utterly helpless. If I had the opportunity, I would go. I would leave tonight and go pick up rubbish if that's what needs to be done. Deliver body bags, mourn with women who lost their husband and children all in the same day, help people get clean water, I don't care. I really want to be there. I almost feel guilty sitting here in my bed, blessed beyond my own comprehension. I'm sure that is a sign of an unhealthy perspective on whatever, but that's how I feel. It's not fair. I have done nothing to deserve this life. I am better than I deserve. It's too much to process.

I'm frustrated with myself. The things I want to do I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I continue doing. Or something like that. There was a time when I would have considered my self a pretty emotionally stable person. Maybe I was decieving myself, maybe I was surpressing my true emotions, or maybe I actually was. Recently, with in the past year, I feel like a bloody emotional basket case. I am constantly up and down, and the most ridiculous things can throw me into a tailspin. The thing is, the up's never feel quite up enough, and the down's always feel pretty down. I once heard depression described as emotional highs and lows that never quite breakthrough to true happiness. Or something like that. It's actually kind of hard to put into written word, because the person who explained it to me used a lot of hand motions.

I'm frustrated with friends. I feel like there is no depth right now. With anyone. And maybe that's just me and where I'm at, but it goes both ways. I've also been feeling like it's kind of hard for people to pick you up when you're down if they're all down to. What's going on God? I feel like a crap friend because I've lost touch with people I definitely should stay in contact with. Those that I do get to interact with regularly, I've been starting to realize that I'm pretty damn selfish in my relationships with them because I'm constantly trying to fit them around my life, needs, wants, etc. I haven't really prayed for anyone in a long time. I often throw up the, "God heal L" or the "Give so and so wisdom" or "Provide this for them", but when it comes to really praying and interceeding it's been a long time. And that's crap. And would also probably go back to the selfish thing.

There's so much going on that I just want to shut down and not deal with it all. There has to be a stem to all this. Some common root that it's all flowing out of. There has to be like one weed I can pull that will kill the whole system hey? What is it? What is this? I hate this. I want out of this...whatever it is. I want to really live again. I feel like that hasn't happened for a long time.