Saturday, April 09, 2005

11:41 AM.
Still in my pajamas.
Life is good.

I've been looking forward to this Saturday for a long time. It's the first Saturday in I'm not sure how long where I don't HAVE to be anywhere. Not even tonight. I can do whatever I want to. This morning I really wanted to spend some hard core time with God. It's amazing how when you plan towards something like that, it's almost like God just can't wait and He just shows up and blows you away. It definitely wasn't what I expected, but it was totally what I needed. I started out just by sitting down with my (new) guitar, playing a new favorite progression and just singing whatever came out. *Tangent* Yes, new guitar. Ali C., you always knew I wanted to be just like you when I grew up. Well my first step was to buy your guitar. And I did. And I love it. Except for a buzz on the 2nd string 3rd fret which I still haven't figured out how to fix, I'm in love. *End Tangent* It was amazing what came out during that time. I need to do that more often. I was going to say "worship" like that more often. But I really think it was more like prayer. Not that prayer can't be worship, but you know. There was repentence, and thanksgiving, and pouring out my heart, and God responded and encouraged me, and it was so good.
Thing have been getting heavy. There's a lot going on. And I think a lot of burdens I have been bearing unecessarily. Yesterday was a day out of that book you read as a kid, "Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day". And at one point I went to the bathroom at work and just broke down in the stall and cried out, "Jesus, I do NOT want to slip back into depression". Cause that's where I feel I've been heading. And it totally freed me this morning to just be honest before Him, and let His Spirit minister to me.
After that God lead me to start going through the notes from my Leadership Development class I had at Hills with Catrina Henderson. Which again, was not what I expected, but totally needed. I've been struggling a lot with leadership I'm under, but also with being a leader myself. I've been feeling a serious lack of any type of leadersip training in my life, and I've been looking to the people above me for it, and getting frustrated that it's not there. I do think it is the responsibility of leaders to train and encourage those under them, but at the same time if you're not getting it, find it for yourself. Feed yourself, let the Holy Spirit teach you. I've missed that boat recently. So yeah, started going through these notes and was just totally encouraged.
There are a few areas where I have leadership responsibilities right now, but the one that is closest to my heart is for the girl's retreat we are planning for our Senior High girls this summer. There's a core group of ladies who have been praying and planning for this retreat, and I could write a book about the vision, expectation, and dreams we have for it. I don't really know how but I am the leader of this group. Honestly, I can't remember how I got in that position. Maybe it was just because I was the first to suggest it? Though I don't think I was. I dunno. Anyway, somehow I landed there, and just in the past couple weeks I've really been starting to feel the weight of that. Being raised in mainstream evangelical churches, I never really saw a model of strong leadership until I went to Hills. Because my whole life, churches have always been overly democratic, voteing on everything, forming committees for every event, and seeing arguements over the smallest descisions. So even though my thinking regarding leadership has changed a lot, I'm still in a church that operates in a different way, and I keep wanting to defer to that comfort. When there are 5 women, it's so much easier to talk about a descision until a conclusion is reached because then no one can take the blame. But when there is definitely one leader, it's your head. The stuff I read through this morning was so encouraging. And honestly, I am so blessed to be leading this team of women. I also felt like God was encouraging me, that by our "little" (I really don't think it's little at all, but that is kind of the perception from people on the outside.) girl's retreat having such a strong and Biblical model of leadership, team work, submission, encouragement, etc. that it can really be an example to the rest of the church. Not that anyone really notices us right now, but I really have a feeling that when we come back from this retreat with girl's who left broken and are now whole, and see the FRUIT of what God has done through us and in their lives, then they will notice.

I think I'm going to start reading through my Hills notes more often. They feed a side of my Spirit that doesn't get fed at Trinity. They teach me in ways I don't get taught here. I can just read through them and remember the passion, energy, conviction, and urgency with which they were first given and it inspires me to keep going. It's amazing how God's truth, even when given by other people and not necessarily directly from Him or from His Word, is still alive. I read the truth in these notes and they are alive. God's truth is alive.

Well, even though I don't have to be anywhere today, there are some things I have to do. Like learn French, German, and Italian. Ah the joys of being a vocal major. Adieu.