Thursday, June 16, 2005

wow.
These past few days have been a blur of amazing God times, amazing God stories, pain, joy, hope, serious spiritual warfare, friends, fighting complacency, creativity, letting go, patience, incredible breathrough, "Holy Spirit coolness", and a handfull of a few other emotions and experiences. Like water aerobics.
8 days to go before Flourish is unveiled to the unsuspecting girls of Trinity. I have been blessed to work with the most incredible team of women on this retreat. I know God has something big for next weekend, because he has already changed our lives just through this 5 month journey of prayer and planning. It's all coming together, and it is definitely already more than I could have asked or imagined. God never fails us. Or just fails period.
I truely do feel just this complex mix of emotions and thoughts. I'm SO excited, slightly scared, so full of faith, yet tempted to doubt the unkown, I'm exhausted and I can't sleep so good these days, I feel like I have more to say to God and more desire to listen than I have in months but my flesh is so weak right now. That was possibly the worst run on sentence yet to hit this blog. I think part of it as well is feeling the pressure of being the leader of all this craziness. People are answering to me, and like asking me before they make desicisions, and the weight of this retreat is on my shoulders. I am the youngest person on this team. Sans KK, but she has yet to join our team in the flesh, though she is very much a part. I don't even remember how I got in charge! I've tried to back out as being seen as "the leader". I really don't want to run a personality centered ministry. And honestly, these women that have jumped on the Flourish band wagon are flipping amazing. They could all be heading up their own thing, and yet God has brought us all together to use us for one really kick ass thing. I don't understand it. And I don't think it's an issue of feeling inadequate because I am, and all this is really on God's back, and I know He's got it taken care of. I don't know. I got accused this week of not delgating enough, of taking too much on myself, of wanting to do everything alone. Actually I got that from more than one person this week. Maybe it's true. I'm really really realy really working on letting go. And the first comment really blindsided me because I feel like I have been doing an ok job of handing things over to others. There's always room for improvement, but I really feel like everyone has their piece of the puzzle and they are doing an excellant job with it. I honestly have no desire to control the whole of this retreat and where it may go in the future. I do feel like this is something God may use me in for a long time. Another scary thought. But I want it to be His. It has to be or we might as well sit around and paint our nails and eat chocolate and watch Bridget Jones or something. And that's not going to change lives and lead girls closer to their Savior.
8 days. And there is something within me screaming at me to run away. Leave before you see the reality of this dream. Disappear before it all hits the fan, your hope is lost for good, and you completely give up on God. It's a lot easier to serve God with the head knowledge that He leads us to step out in faith rather than actually stepping out in faith.
Lord, give me peace.
I know this is you.
I know it's not going to hit the fan.
I know you are big enough to hold me. To keep me steadfast. To increase my faith. To carry me through.
I know you've already changed my life through this unborn retreat.
I know you will change each person there.
Lord, keep me healthy. I don't ask that often. I probably should ask that more. But I need to be healthy for this weekend. I need rest to stay healthy. Give me rest and sleep.
I need more of You. A lot more. More love, more grace, more faith, more love, more peace, more strength, more humility, more love, a lot more love.