Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Love.
God is love. Love is a choice. Love is patient. Love hurts. Love puts others first. The greatest of these is love. Love doesn't boast. Love is with out conditions. Love is a verb (I had to say it).

Why is it so bloody hard for me to get a grasp on love? All I'm called to do is love God and love people. I pretty much fail at this every day. God has been hammering me with love recently. It's everywhere. Not even joking. It's in every message, every verse, every song, ever conversation. And I've been realizing why I struggle so much with loving God and loving people is because even though I know in my head that God loves me, deep down in whatever part of you that tells your soul and your spirit what is truth, I still think it's up to me to earn God's love. I still think that every time I screw up, lack discipline, swear, don't pray, listen to emenem, watch a retarded show in VH1, tune out a sermon, or whatever that God is like somehow loving me less. That I am some how less worthy of his love. That some how when I do good things I rack up spiritual brownie points and God loves me more. I wish I knew where this twisted and completely crap thinking came from. I wish I could find the root of it and dig it out and start over and plant in my spirit what I know is the truth of God's love for me. That nothing I do or don't do changes his unconditional, undeserved, unending love for me. I wonder if it comes from always feeling like I have to please my parents or earn their approval. That probably has something to do with it. I just wish I could GET IT! I wish I could get God's love. I mean even if I just got like a small understanding of it, but that at least that part was like woven into the fiber of my being so I didn't struggle with all of this all of the time. So I didn't deal with not loving people, or so that I didn't feel like I don't actually know what I mean when I say "I love God".

I know He loves me. I know He does. The insane way He has been working in my life the past 3 weeks is proof enough of that. But I don't feel like it's a part of me. I read the best verse today in Psalm 130. I've been reading the New Living Translation, which is amazing and highly recommended. But it basically says, "O Lord, if you kept a record of sins, who would survive?" That's paraphrased off the top of my head because I'm too lazy to try and bury my Bible out from underneath all the junk that has accumulated on my bed today. But I've been thinking about that verse and meditating on it. If God kept a record of our sins, like if there were some tally system for being "ok with God" NO ONE would survive. No one would win. We would never get enough tallies. That's how HUGE God's love is. It covers the fact that we couldn't even survive if it wasn't for His love. And I just struggle with getting that.

Help me to get it, Lord. Give me some divine impartation or like some divine soul tattoo or something that just some how triggers to all of the parts of me that I am loved by you. Regardless.