Saturday, July 02, 2005

So I've broken down my Flourish processing into subjects and things because to sit and think that I need to process this whole huge event of my life is just too overwhelming.

The frist thing that I've really been processing and trying to get my head around is the whole leadership aspect for me. This was the first major thing I've ever been theeee leader for. Like descisions came down to me. I was responsible for 24 other women. It may not sound like that big of an issue, but it was heavy man. And on top of that I was leading worship, doing budget stuff, and trying to find time to hang out with girls and stuff...yeah it was heavy. But, it was so amazing. It was amazing how dependant I HAD to be on God. Stuff would come up and I wouldn't know what to do, and I'd just get really quiet, and God would speak. It was like, all weekend I had this direct line, and stuff was coming out of me that I didn't even know was in me! Probably cause it wasn't in me, it was just flowing through me straight from the Source, you know? Like this one conflict came up with the leaders, and I was just like, whoah what the heck. So I walked away on my own for a couple minutes, and I'm not kidding, God says, "So, what are you going to do now leader?". Like totally giving me a hard time and stuff! Actually not. It was good. Because I laughed, and I reeeeeeeeeally needed to laugh at that point. Which He knew. But then He just showed me what to do, and completely enabled and empowered me to lead with grace, humility, discernment, wisdom, obedience, etc. All these things that I so long for, long that they would mark my life.
Just as I'm writing this I was reminded of something that I heard many times at Hills. When you're in the "squeeze" of life, what comes out of you is the real you. And I'm really not like sitting here bragging about me, I'm sitting here in awe of God, and the crazy work He has done in my life, that when I was feeling pressed on SO many sides last weekend, I didn't lose the plot. HE came out of me. That's deep.
By "accident" our theme song for the weekend became Chris Tomlin's "How Great is our God". I still sing that everyday because, it's so simple, but sometimes that's all you can say. How, GREAT is our God. That He takes lives and totally transforms and does amazing things and uses broken vessels, and redeems horrible situations. wow.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand.
Ok, so a lot of amazing things happened last weekend. And not just last weekend, but the whole journey leading up to last weekend was so God. And what has totally been spinning me out is this whole leadership thing. But it's not just a leadership thing. There is this thing in me that is so excited about the whole pastoring and shepherding side of ministry. Honestly, the highlight of Flourish for me wasn't seeing the girls change, it was seeing God minister through my leaders. Seeing my leaders being sensative to the Spirit and seeing God working through them to speak into and change the girls lives. I could pin point specific things in each leader over the weekend that just made my heart burst with joy and praise God. There's one leader in particular though, who seriously God just did this extreme makeover and she is on a totally different track. To see her go from a Christian, raised in the church, worked in ministry, control freak, good wife, strong leader, etc. to - woman of God, daughter of the King, led by the Spirit, prayer warrior, secure in her identity in Christ, full of faith, and on and on...that was amazing. That makes me sing, "how great is our God". So now, this whole past week, I've been dealing with this pastoring/shepherding thing as I call it. It is SO in me. Like I can tangibly feel it. I can hardly keep my self from thinking about it. And I can't stop wondering why God is raising up these desires, yet very obviously keeping me planted at Trinity for this season. Like I've said before that I wanted to be a worship pastor and stuff, and I didn't know how that worked with being at Trinity, but it's like the intensity was just turned to 11 and this thing is huge. I spent like a really long time the other day just dreaming about the possibility of taking over when Nate leaves. My head says, "Woman you must have lost your fool mind", but my spirit just becomes alive and God keeps saying, "Dream bigger" and it's completely out of control.
So yeah, this has become a pretty big thing for me. And I have no idea what it means, or what to do with it, or where to go. I do know though, that these gifts and desires aren't meant to sit around until hell freezes over and trinity hires a woman pastor, or until God leads me to a different church. There are ways to use them NOW. There are things I can be doing to use, and grow the things God stirred up inside of me last weekend. Now the challenge lies in finding those ways and means.
I could go on and on and on about this.
But I won't. Though, I'm sure it will come up again.
But now I'm on to the next subject. That would be Krysty Kay. Gorgeous woman of God. That will come a bit later on though. yeah.

Just a side note, everyone should be onto www.hillsongconference.com this week. You can watch my beloved live. I'll leave it up to you determine what I mean by "beloved". =)