Monday, July 11, 2005

Today is the first day that I've ever seriously considered leaving my church. I know I've talked about it before, and I've thought about it before, but now I'm praying about it and praying for huge amounts of wisdom and guidance.

A couple weeks ago God spoke pretty clearly to me about shifts that are going to take place in my life this year. It doesn't really make sense if you can't see the hand motions. It's all about the hand motions. It was actually through a series of events and different things that this came out, and one of the events was a sermon I heard T.D. Jakes preach. He was talking about the Israelites walking in circles in the desert for so many odd years because that's what God had told them to do, but then God told them to take a new direction. And just applied it to the "circles" we walk in our life when really God has been trying to tell us that He's taking a new direction. I initially thought God was speaking specifically to the area of education in my life. And I was like, Oh no Lord, please do not make me have to start over with a new degree or some new direction. I just want to keep walking in circles and get done with this whole college thing. But over the days and weeks this whole church thing has really surfaced, and honestly caught me completely off guard. I came back from Sydney, basically for this church. I mean there were definitely other factors, like running out of money, but I really felt like God was calling me to my church, to plant there, to lead there, to do whatever I could do, whatever He could do through me to see this church really come to life and start winning our community for Jesus. So for me to even consider, to even think that God might be taking me in a new direction is a huge shift for me. I have no idea what's going to happen. It's scarey. I can't imagine living in Mesa and not being at my church. And because I'm human, I think about what other people would think. Mostly, would they be hurt? I'm so involved, and in some highly visible areas of ministry, this definitely isn't something that I want to draw attention to myself or negative attention to the leadership of our church. If it happens, it's going to have to be a completely God ordained, organized, and orchestrated situation. I don't want to leave on bad terms. Nate keeps saying he's going to be here for 2 more years. In my flesh, that seems like a good amount of time, as well as a natural transition. There's a part of me that's even saying I know I will leave at some point. The "forever" factor isn't present. Basically unless God radically changes, and I mean radically, and that's totally not beyond Him, or radically changes my heart it will happen. Lord, help me, guide me. I need a lot of wisdom. And right now I need a better attitude and outlook.