Sunday, August 21, 2005

One of the hardest days of my life.
I went to church today...but not at Trinity. Because Trinity's not my church any more. Latitude is. And I love it. I LOVE IT. But it was hard. When Kim saw me this morning she smiled and said, "Welcome home." And I burst into tears. Which surprised even me. She totally understood though. Everyone understood. Everyone asked how I was doing knowing it was my first official Sunday there and everyone understood my mixed emotions. I talked to Christina about youth stuff and was just honest and told her that I miss my kids and I don't feel like I can jump into a new youth group right now. She looked at me like I was crazy and said she never even expected me to get involved right away and that I needed time to fully release stuff from Trinity and to take whatever time that was.
I went to both services. I was planning on doing that anyway, but I think God had something more than I knew in that. I had to just sit through the first service to receive, to be ministered to, to let a healing process begin, to just be completely filled. That's not usually how I walk into church. I don't go to church to get from God, I go to church to give to God. I get during the week alone with Him, so I can give on Sunday. But I had to allow my self to realize how completely empty I was and to just let the Holy Spirit minister to me. And I could honestly feel things fall off me at different times during the service and freedom beginning to creep in. The second service I gave...I had something to give.
There's this girl Lindsey at church that I think I may become good friends with. She's only 18 and I think she even just graduated from high school, but I don't know...we click for some reason. She is an intern at the church, and is in love with Jesus. I don't know what it is, because even her personality is not one that I'm generally drawn to, but there's like a really sweet, gentleness in her that I like.
There are some amazing worship songs coming out of this house. It blows me away actually. WE are recording an album on September 17th and it's going to be good.
Honestly, I don't think I even knew how much my kids at Trinity were a part of my life. Basically they were my life. I dont know how I didn't realize that, but I guess you realize the importance of things when all of a sudden they're gone. Not that my kids are gone, but it's different. They aren't my life anymore. I've known some of those kids since they were like 7 and now they're like driving. It's going to be different.
I was debating this morning on whether or not to keep doing Adopt-A-Block on wednesdays now that school is starting and my day is going to pretty much be school and work. If I do AAB it means I will only be able to work about 2 hours on Wed. Which means I'll be missing out on 2 hours of work. Which is $20 a week I won't have. I'd pretty much resigned myself to not doing AAB on wednesday, but to continue on saturdays. Driving to church I knew that I wasn't supposed to do that, but in my flesh just felt like I had to. That's like $80 a month. And in light of the insurance bill I just received, that's a lot of money. Interesting how the message today was titled "How Big is Your God?". And was all about trusting God. The guy that spoke was a guest and I actually knew him from my days in FCA in high school and he is doing some radical stuff for God and the last four years has been living totally on faith. And the stories of God's provision just totally made me feel like the most faithless person out there. At one point he needed $5500 to come in in one day to pay bills and stuff and it did. It all came in. In one day. All I need is like $300 something dollars to pay insurance and I still have a couple weeks before it's due. And this guy LIVES by God's provision. And he has a wife and three kids! And that's how they live! Incredible. So here's what God says to me, "If you can't 'sacrifice' $80 a month for one of your dreams (AAB) then it must not really be that big of a dream". I'm not going to be sacrificing anything. God is going to make up the gap financially...some how...and there will be lives changed every Wednesday afternoon on Alpine and Alder streets in Mesa, AZ.