Monday, October 31, 2005

It seems like I've been feeling things at a deeper level recently. I don't really know how to express it. Things have been effecting me at a new level. A deeper level that has been emotionally draining me.

Over the weekend I saw the movie "Prime" and it completely ruined me for like two days. Kind of like "The Notebook" did, but this movie was no where near the intensity of that one. Except that it brought to life in the most beautiful way one of my greatest fears. If I really went into it, I'd ruin the movie for you, which I definitely don't want to do because you need to see it...whoever "you" are. But it was like if you were to take a fear or nightmare, blow it up and put it on a movie screen and just watch it play out. When I walked out of the theater I felt as if I'd walked through it myself and was just completely exhausted. I don't generally feel that deeply about things that actually do happen to me, and the level of emotions that I was dealing with caught me completely off guard.

Last night after a youth meeting a few of us went over to Kim and Jared's for the weekly Extreme Home Makeover and Grey's Anatomy viewing. And last night they just happened to be more heartwrenching than normal, if that's even possible for Extreme... Again, like the movie theater, I left feeling completely drained and exhausted not knowing where all this feeling is coming from.

As I've been processing this I've been thinking a lot about Zach Braff's character in "Garden State" (wow...there is an insane amount of media being discussed here, maybe this is the root of my issue...). I think it's a good comparison for some reason though. When he decides to go off his meds he starts to feel for the first time, and not just happiness and excitement, but all the hurt and pain and deep things of life as well. I haven't been on anti-depressents or anything of the like, but I honestly feel like some dam that was preventing me from truely getting in touch with what's going on has just been demolished and my emotions have been set free; rushing around on every whim and feeling that comes along.

Today I found out about this incredible tragedy And again it's like there is this feeling of intense grief and sorrow in the pit of my stomach. Deeper than usual, more intense than normal.

I have a suspision that this is all somehow connected back to God. Maybe all of those prayers over the years to become more broken hearted towards the lost are being answered. Maybe there is a gift of compassion being birthed in me, which is also something I've desired. Maybe there was some sort of stronghold preventing me from honestly facing and dealing with my emotions that has been overcome. I don't know. I guess I'll wait and see where all of this goes. If it's been an unusually high surge of hormones or if there is something more significant happening.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I had a conversation with a friend a couple days ago that was quite random and unexpected. I wasn't sure at first why she wanted to talk with me but I really think she just wanted someone to listen to her. She and her boyfriend are completely living in sin, and justifying it and pretending they're actually happy. The dullness in her eyes speaks the truth of her hurt and pain.

I've heard about a couple of other friends that are in serious relationships and not handling it so well. They've gone back on all the principles they claimed to want to uphold in their relationships and again, are able to justify it all.

I've found myself wondering if godly relationships exsist anymore? Does anyone "make it to marriage"? Or does everyone just get so blinded by lust that they can write anything off. It's made me increasingly thankful for my nearly 23 years of singleness because I don't want to go there. It could be my emotions talking, but I think I would honestly rather stay single than to get in a relationship and compromise everything I believe is true. I'm not just talking in terms of sex, but even just little things that I really want to experience inside of marriage. I'm too fragile and insecure to hand those things to someone who hasn't given me a ring and promised me forever.

In all of this I have found myself running even harder after my Jesus and thanking him over and over and over again for his favor on my life that has protected me from so much hurt and pain and regret. That's the only way I know how to explain it. If it were up to me I'd have given in a long time ago.

Friday, October 14, 2005

So I've been having weird dreams recently.
Like really weird.

Monday night I had a dream that I was "found" by a former boyfriend/husband/one-night-stand and my now 3 year old daughter saying that they wanted me to be a part of their lives. I had absolutely no recollection of either of them, of the fact that I had had a baby, of the fact that I had been in a relationship, or any of that. So this guy is holding this (gorgeous) 3 year old telling me that all this happened, and how could I forget it, and that they didn't want anything from me, just my involvement in their lives. So I go along with it, even though I still have no memory of any of it.
Of course I woke up completely freaking out, because what if I really do have a kid out there somewhere and I've just blocked it from my memory. Eventually when I came out of my half sleep state, I convinced myself that no matter how hard I tried I could not forget pregnancy or birth or the events that would lead me there.

So then Tuesday night I had another disturbing dream. Not quite as earth shattering, or dramatic but disturbing nonetheless.

This Sunday Darlene and Brian and Bobbie are going to be at Phx 1st and I'm Sooooooooooo excited because it's going on 2 years since I've been in a church service with them. So in my dream I am sent to save seats for our big group that is going. I save a couple rows, until the people who get bussed in for church arrive. These little hispanic kids take one of my rows and I try explaining to them that they are saved. And they were being like really bratty to me and I was getting really frustrated, so I just hauled off and slapped them. How horrible is that! They left after that, but I was still quite shocked at my abusive behaviour. In church even!

Friday, October 07, 2005

So it looks like there are going to be a lot of changes coming my way in the next few months.
More changes? Yeah, I know. God wasn't kidding when He spoke to me back in late June or early July about major changes happening this year. I can't really talk too much about it right now, but I'm excited. And scared.

I'm just really really blown away by God right now. And blown away by what happens when you just go hard after Him. When you throw aside all fears, doubts, logic, selfish ambition and just decide to live your life pursuing him. And not the safe way to pursue God. I'm having a hard time describing this. But you know inside yourself when you are truely completely sold out to God, or when you faking yourself into thinking you are. I"m not talking about people who just go to church, or just do minimal things. I'm talking about people who think they want to spend their life serving God whether in church, or parachurch ministries, or missions, or whatever. You can be in ministry and not be completely laying everything down to follow Jesus. I know because I've done it. And over the past few days I've been feeling a shifting in my spirit. Like I can't lie to myself anymore. I am laying it all out on the line and waiting to see what God is going to do with this life. I have no idea what my future looks like. But I know it's good. I have no savings, I have no retirement plan, I have no financial security as the world looks at it. But I have no doubt that I'm going to have my needs met everyday. I can tell something has changed, and it started with letting go of fear. Fear and faith can not coexsist.

Quit faking it people. If you want God, go for him. If you don't, then quit pretending. He already knows, and you're just making yourself go crazy.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I've been blogging in my head a lot recently because I haven't had the time to sit down and actually write. I don't really have much time now, but I have to start somewhere.

So I heard some of the most exciting news that I've heard in a long time on Sunday. My good friend and future in-laws are coming to Phoenix. Yes, Darlene and Brian and Bobbie will all be here on October 16th at Phoenix 1st. Oh the rapturous joy that filled my soul. I guess Darlene and Bobbie are here all that weekend for a women's conference at Phx 1st. However, our women's conference is that same weekend up in Prescott. So I'll make it down the mountain just in time for the evening service to meet up with my friends and future relatives. =) If anyone wants to meet up with me there give me a holla.

On a related subject, last night a few of us Hillsong people that are now Latitude people all got together at our worship pastor's house last night to watch the God He Reigns DVD. I did end up compromising my position on "All for Love", but only slightly. The vocals of the "island boys" are no doubt amazing (it'd be better if they could find the melody) but there is still no excuse for that horrible elevator music instrumental arrangement behind them. If you haven't seen the DVD you need to get it and see it if only for the opening. It made me cry. Seriously like...if you can watch that and not want to fall on your knees before God then you might need to have some demons cast out of you or something. I don't know.

Speaking of my worship pastor (Marianne), I love her. I am constantly thanking God for this church and these people and my leaders and especially the WACA people. I just glean off of Marianne. And for whatever reason, she has broken all convention and put me on BV's already. This past Tuesday was my first time singing at Elevate (women's ministry) and then she asked me again to sing on Sunday. So fun. So incredible to be handed and trusted with that position. Even though I've been leading worship since I was like 14 or something, I got up there and felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I attribute some of it to the absence of my guitar. But there's a huge difference between leading worship in a Baptist church where you basically just sing songs and a spirit lead church where you actually have to be dependant upon the Holy Spirit. So this is going to become a big thing. I think song writing is too. God has like been pouring out songs to me recently. Good ones. Ones that I'm excited to share. A few of us are going to be getting together soon and workshopping a bunch of stuff. Again, how have I been privileged to be a part of this? I don't know.

We'll call this the end of part one.