Monday, October 31, 2005

It seems like I've been feeling things at a deeper level recently. I don't really know how to express it. Things have been effecting me at a new level. A deeper level that has been emotionally draining me.

Over the weekend I saw the movie "Prime" and it completely ruined me for like two days. Kind of like "The Notebook" did, but this movie was no where near the intensity of that one. Except that it brought to life in the most beautiful way one of my greatest fears. If I really went into it, I'd ruin the movie for you, which I definitely don't want to do because you need to see it...whoever "you" are. But it was like if you were to take a fear or nightmare, blow it up and put it on a movie screen and just watch it play out. When I walked out of the theater I felt as if I'd walked through it myself and was just completely exhausted. I don't generally feel that deeply about things that actually do happen to me, and the level of emotions that I was dealing with caught me completely off guard.

Last night after a youth meeting a few of us went over to Kim and Jared's for the weekly Extreme Home Makeover and Grey's Anatomy viewing. And last night they just happened to be more heartwrenching than normal, if that's even possible for Extreme... Again, like the movie theater, I left feeling completely drained and exhausted not knowing where all this feeling is coming from.

As I've been processing this I've been thinking a lot about Zach Braff's character in "Garden State" (wow...there is an insane amount of media being discussed here, maybe this is the root of my issue...). I think it's a good comparison for some reason though. When he decides to go off his meds he starts to feel for the first time, and not just happiness and excitement, but all the hurt and pain and deep things of life as well. I haven't been on anti-depressents or anything of the like, but I honestly feel like some dam that was preventing me from truely getting in touch with what's going on has just been demolished and my emotions have been set free; rushing around on every whim and feeling that comes along.

Today I found out about this incredible tragedy And again it's like there is this feeling of intense grief and sorrow in the pit of my stomach. Deeper than usual, more intense than normal.

I have a suspision that this is all somehow connected back to God. Maybe all of those prayers over the years to become more broken hearted towards the lost are being answered. Maybe there is a gift of compassion being birthed in me, which is also something I've desired. Maybe there was some sort of stronghold preventing me from honestly facing and dealing with my emotions that has been overcome. I don't know. I guess I'll wait and see where all of this goes. If it's been an unusually high surge of hormones or if there is something more significant happening.