Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I'm learning a lot about myself these days.
I'm learning that I'm still a lot more closed off than I thought. Though I have definitely made great strides in this area in the past 4 years or so. It's been coming at me from all directions. In relationships, through the amazing book "Captivating", through Sara Groves, and today through my voice teacher who told me I was closed off and needed to become more vulnerable.
I've taken the principle of guarding your heart to an extreme that I don't think was ever intended. Because there is guarding your heart and then there is covering it in concrete, wrapping chains around it, and padlocking it shut.
It's an ongoing process though. Unwrapping the chains and chipping away at the concrete. I guess I just didn't realize that and assumed it had all been taken care of. There's also the parallel process of continuing to realize your identity in Christ. I say it's parallel because we close our selves off because vulnerability leaves us open to being hurt by people. But when we are gaining our worth and value and purpose from God then the thoughts and opinions of people around us hold less importance in telling us who we are. I don't know if we can ever be completely free from "fearing man". But I know the more I know God, the more I know who I am, and the less I care about what people say about me.
I'm interested to see where all this is going. What it's leading to. What the next level of openess feels like and looks like.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Some of you may have heard that last Sunday my car got broken into at church and my cd player got ripped out. Well this week I have really out done myself.

I decided I would park in the front lot this week just for safety's sake. However I never park in the front lot and am not familiar with it...that combined with the blinding morning sun provided a lot of entertainment for people coming to church. I somehow managed to drive my car over not one, but two concrete parking barriers and a pole with a handicapped parking sign on it. I just plowed the sucker over. And I honestly was completely blinded to the whole thing. I didn't even know what had actually happened until I got out of my car and saw that my two front wheels were completely off the ground. I called a tow truck to come lift it off as to prevent any more damage from happening, and miraculously enough my car is running and driving fine. I love how Jesus protects me and has favor on me even in the midst of my own mistakes.

My only regret is that I didn't have a camera with me to take a picture of the whole scene. It was honestly hilarious.

Next Sunday I will be driving to church in faith that nothing will happen to me or my car.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

It was time for a change. Since my personal template designer is in the midst of a storm, I went with a ready made. It seems more appropriate for my mood these days. Summer is gone (though you'd never know, it's still 90 degrees here. Not even joking.). The days are shorter. I get more melancholic during fall and winter. If I struggle with depression it's usually during this half of the year.

Speaking of depression I realized that it's two years ago this month that my restraunt in Sydney closed. The event that triggered a series of downward spiraling events that eventually lead to my return to the States. And two years later I'm still dealing with this in some capacity.

All this to say, change is upon us.