Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I'm learning a lot about myself these days.
I'm learning that I'm still a lot more closed off than I thought. Though I have definitely made great strides in this area in the past 4 years or so. It's been coming at me from all directions. In relationships, through the amazing book "Captivating", through Sara Groves, and today through my voice teacher who told me I was closed off and needed to become more vulnerable.
I've taken the principle of guarding your heart to an extreme that I don't think was ever intended. Because there is guarding your heart and then there is covering it in concrete, wrapping chains around it, and padlocking it shut.
It's an ongoing process though. Unwrapping the chains and chipping away at the concrete. I guess I just didn't realize that and assumed it had all been taken care of. There's also the parallel process of continuing to realize your identity in Christ. I say it's parallel because we close our selves off because vulnerability leaves us open to being hurt by people. But when we are gaining our worth and value and purpose from God then the thoughts and opinions of people around us hold less importance in telling us who we are. I don't know if we can ever be completely free from "fearing man". But I know the more I know God, the more I know who I am, and the less I care about what people say about me.
I'm interested to see where all this is going. What it's leading to. What the next level of openess feels like and looks like.